第 6 节
作者:垃圾王      更新:2022-04-21 11:07      字数:8672
  We had paused in our walk。 He stood nervously prodding the hard wet
  sand with his walking…stick。
  〃In a way;〃 he said; 〃your theory was quite right。 Butit didn't go far
  enough。   It's   not   only  possible;   it's   a   fact;  that   I  didn't   see   those   signs   in
  those hands。 I never examined those hands。 They weren't there。 _I_ wasn't
  there。 I haven't an uncle in Hampshire; even。 I never had。〃
  I; too; prodded the sand。
  〃Well;〃 I said at length; 〃I do feel rather a fool。〃
  〃I've no right even to beg your pardon; but''
  〃Oh; I'm not vexed。 OnlyI rather wish you hadn't told me this。〃
  〃I wish I hadn't had to。 It was your kindness; you see; that forced me。
  By trying to take an imaginary load off my conscience; you laid a very real
  one on it。〃
  〃I'm  sorry。  But   you;  of   your   own   free   will;   you know;  exposed   your
  conscience to me last year。 I don't yet quite understand why you did that。〃
  〃No;  of   course   not。   I   don't   deserve   that   you   should。   But   I   think   you
  will。 May I explain? I'm afraid I've talked a great deal already about my
  influenza; and I sha'n't be able to keep it out of my explanation。 Well; my
  weakest pointI told you this last year; but it happens to be perfectly true
  that    my   weakest     pointis    my    will。  Influenza;     as  you    know;    fastens
  unerringly   on   one's   weakest   point。   It   doesn't   attempt   to   undermine   my
  imagination。   That   would   be   a   forlorn   hope。   I   have;   alas!   a   very   strong
  imagination。       At   ordinary     times    my    imagination      allows    itself  to   be
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  governed by my will。 My will keeps it in check by constant nagging。 But
  when      my    will  isn't  strong    enough      even    to  nag;   then   my    imagination
  stampedes。        I  become      even    as   a  little  child。   I   tell  myself     the   most
  preposterous   fables;   andthe   trouble   isI   can't   help   telling   them   to   my
  friends。 Until I've thoroughly shaken off influenza; I'm not fit company for
  any one。 I perfectly realize this; and I have the good sense to go right away
  till I'm quite well again。 I come here usually。 It seems absurd; but I must
  confess   I   was   sorry   last   year   when   we   fell   into   conversation。   I   knew   I
  should very soon be letting myself go; or; rather; very soon be swept away。
  Perhaps I ought to have warned you; butI'm a rather shy man。 And then
  you   mentioned   the   subject   of   palmistry。   You   said   you   believed   in   it。   I
  wondered   at   that。   I  had   once   read   Desbarolles's   book   about   it;   but   I   am
  bound to say I thought the whole thing very great nonsense indeed。〃
  〃Then;〃 I gasped; 〃it isn't even true that you believe in palmistry?〃
  〃Oh; no。 But I wasn't able to tell you that。 You had begun by saying
  that you believed in palmistry; and then you proceeded to scoff at it。 While
  you scoffed I saw myself as a man with a terribly good reason for NOT
  scoffing;   and   in   a   flash   I   saw  the   terribly   good   reason;   I   had   the   whole
  storyat least I had the broad outlines of itclear before me。〃
  〃You hadn't ever thought of it   before?〃 He shook his head。 My  eyes
  beamed。 〃The whole thing was a sheer improvisation?〃
  〃Yes;〃 said Laider; humbly; 〃I am as bad as all that。 I don't say that all
  the details of the story I told you that evening were filled in at the very
  instant   of   its   conception。   I   was   filling   them   in   while   we   talked   about
  palmistry  in   general;   and   while   I   was   waiting   for   the   moment   when   the
  story   would   come   in   most   effectively。 And   I've   no   doubt   I   added   some
  extra touches in the course of the actual telling。 Don't imagine that I took
  the    slightest    pleasure     in   deceiving      you。   It's  only    my    will;   not    my
  conscience;   that   is   weakened   after   influenza。   I   simply   can't   help   telling
  what     I've   made    up;   and    telling   it  to  the  best   of   my   ability。   But    I'm
  thoroughly ashamed all the time。〃
  〃Not of your ability; surely?〃
  〃Yes; of that; too;〃 he said; with his sad smile。 〃I always feel that I'm
  not doing justice to my idea。〃
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  〃You are too stern a critic; believe me。〃
  〃It is very kind of you to say that。 You are very kind altogether。 Had I
  known that you were so essentially a man of the world; in the best sense of
  that   term;   I   shouldn't   have   so   much   dreaded   seeing   you   just   now   and
  having   to   confess   to   you。   But   I'm   not   going   to   take   advantage   of   your
  urbanity and   your   easy…going   ways。  I   hope   that some   day  we   may  meet
  somewhere when I haven't had influenza and am a not wholly undesirable
  acquaintance。 As it is; I refuse to let you associate with me。 I am an older
  man than you; and so I may without impertinence warn you against having
  anything to do with me。〃
  I deprecated this advice; of course; but for a man of weakened will he
  showed great firmness。
  〃You;〃 he said; 〃in your heart of hearts; don't want to have to walk and
  talk continually with a person who might at any moment try to bamboozle
  you with some ridiculous tale。 And I; for my part; don't want to degrade
  myself   by   trying   to   bamboozle   any   one;   especially   one   whom   I   have
  taught to see through me。 Let the two talks we have had be as though they
  had not been。 Let us bow to each other; as last year; but let that be all。 Let
  us follow in all things the precedent of last year。〃
  With   a   smile   that   was   almost gay  he   turned   on   his heel;   and   moved
  away with a step that was almost brisk。 I was a little disconcerted。 But I
  was also more than a little glad。 The restfulness of silence; the charm of
  libertythese things   were not;  after  all; forfeit。  My heart   thanked   Laider
  for that; and throughout the week I loyally seconded him in the system he
  had laid down for us。 All was as it had been last year。 We did not smile to
  each other; we merely bowed; when we entered or left the dining…room or
  smoking…room; and when we met on the wide…spread sands or in that shop
  which had a small and faded but circulating library。
  Once or twice in the course of the week it did occur to me that perhaps
  Laider had told the simple truth at our first interview and an ingenious lie
  at our second。 I frowned at this possibility。 The idea of any one wishing to
  be quit of ME was most distasteful。 However; I was to find reassurance。
  On the last evening of my stay I suggested; in the small smoking…room;
  that he and I should; as sticklers for precedent; converse。 We did so very
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  pleasantly。     And    after  a  while   I  happened      to  say   that  I  had  seen   this
  afternoon a great number of sea…gulls flying close to the shore。
  〃Sea…gulls?〃 said Laider; turning in his chair。
  〃Yes。    And    I  don't   think   I  had    ever   realized   how     extraordinarily
  beautiful they are when their wings catch the light。〃
  Laider threw a quick glance at me and away from me。
  〃You think them beautiful?〃
  〃Surely。〃
  〃Well;   perhaps   they   are;   yes;   I   suppose   they   are。   ButI   don't   like
  seeing them。 They always remind me of somethingrather an awful thing…
  …that once happened to me。〃
  IT was a very awful thing indeed。
  End    of  The    Project    Gutenberg      Etext   of  A。   V。   Laider;   by   Max
  Beerbohm
  Note:    I  have   closed   contractions     in  the  text;  e。g。;  〃does    n't〃  has
  become 〃doesn't〃 etc。; in addition; on page 18; paragraph 3; line 5; I have
  changed 〃Dyott〃 to 〃Dyatt〃
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