第 68 节
作者:绝对601      更新:2022-04-16 12:12      字数:9279
  kept him from trying to regain her when thrown in his way。
  From   that  period   his   penance   had   become   severe。   He   had   no
  sooner been free from the horror and remorse attending the first
  few days of Louisa’s accident; no sooner begun to feel himself alive
  again;     than   he   had   begun     to   feel  himself;   though     alive;   not  at
  liberty。
  “I   found;”     said   he;   “that   I  was    considered      by   Harville     an
  engaged   man!   That   neither   Harville   nor   his   wife   entertained   a
  doubt of our mutual attachment。 I was startled and shocked。 To a
  degree;     I  could    contradict   this   instantly;     but;  when     I  began    to
  reflect that others might have felt the same—her own family; nay;
  perhaps herself; I was no longer at my own disposal。 I was hers in
  honour if she wished it。 I had been unguarded。 I had not thought
  seriously   on     this   subject   before。    I  had   not   considered      that   my
  excessive      intimacy   must      have    its  danger    of   ill  consequence      in
  many ways; and that I had no  right  to  be   trying  whether  I   could
  attach  myself   to  either  of  the   girls;   at  the   risk   of   raising   even   an
  unpleasant       report;    were    there   no   other    ill  effects。  I  had   been
  grossly wrong; and must abide the consequences。”
  He found too late; in short; that he had entangled himself; and
  that   precisely   as   he   became   fully   satisfied   of   his   not   caring   for
  Louisa      at  all;  he  must    regard    himself     as  bound     to  her;   if  her
  sentiments        for   him     were     what     the    Harvilles     supposed。       It
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  determined him to leave Lyme; and   await  her  complete   recovery
  elsewhere。 He would gladly weaken; by any fair means; whatever
  feelings or speculations concerning him might exist; and he went;
  therefore;     to  his  brother’s;    meaning      after   a  while    to  return   to
  Kellynch; and act as circumstances might require。
  “I was six weeks with Edward;” said he; “and saw him happy。 I
  could have no other pleasure。 I deserved none。 He enquired after
  you  very  particularly;   asked   even   if   you   were   personally   altered;
  little suspecting that to my eye you could never alter。”
  Anne smiled; and let it pass。 It was too pleasing a blunder for a
  reproach。 It is something for a woman to be assured; in her eight…
  and…twentieth   year;       that   she   has   not   lost  one   charm     of  earlier
  youth; but the value of such homage was inexpressibly increased
  to Anne; by comparing it  with  former  words;   and  feeling  it  to  be
  the result; not the cause of a revival of his warm attachment。
  He had remained in Shropshire; lamenting the blindness of his
  own   pride;   and   the   blunders   of   his   own   calculations;   till   at   once
  released from Louisa by the astonishing and felicitous intelligence
  of her engagement with Benwick。
  “Here;” said he; “ended the worst of my state; for now I could at
  least  put   myself  in   the   way   of   happiness;   I   could   exert   myself;   I
  could   do   something。   But   to   be   waiting   so   long   in   inaction;   and
  waiting     only   for   evil;  had   been    dreadful。    Within     the  first  five
  minutes I said; ‘I will be at Bath on Wednesday;’ and I was。 Was it
  unpardonable   to  think it  worth  my  while   to  come?  and   to   arrive
  with  some   degree   of  hope?  You  were   single。  It  was   possible  that
  you    might     retain   the   feelings    of  the   past;  as   I  did;  and    one
  encouragement happened to be mine。 I could never doubt that you
  would   be   loved   and   sought   by   others;   but   I   knew   to   a   certainty
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  that you had refused one man; at least; of better pretensions than
  myself: and I could not help often saying; Was this for me?”
  Their first meeting in Milsom…street afforded much  to  be said;
  but the concert still more。 That evening seemed to be made up of
  exquisite   moments。   The   moment   of   her   stepping   forward   in   the
  Octagon      Room      to  speak    to  him;    the  moment       of  Mr。   Elliot’s
  appearing      and    tearing    her  away;    and    one   or  two   subsequent
  moments;   marked by  returning  hope   or  increasing  despondency;
  were dwelt on with energy。
  “To see you;” cried he; “in the midst of those who could not be
  my well…wishers; to see your cousin close by you; conversing and
  smiling; and feel all the horrible eligibilities and proprieties of the
  match! To consider it as the certain wish of every being who could
  hope to influence you! Even if your own feelings were reluctant or
  indifferent; to consider what powerful supports would be his! Was
  it not enough to make the fool of me which I appeared? How could
  I look on without agony? Was not the very sight of the friend who
  sat   behind   you;   was   not   the   recollection   of   what   had   been;   the
  knowledge of her influence; the indelible; immoveable impression
  of what persuasion had once done—was it not all against me?”
  “You   should   have   distinguished;”   replied   Anne。   “You   should
  not have suspected me now; the case is so different; and my age is
  so    different。   If  I  was   wrong     in   yielding   to   persuasion     once;
  remember that it was to persuasion exerted on the side of safety;
  not of risk。 When I yielded; I thought it was to duty;   but  no duty
  could be called in aid here。 In marrying a man indifferent to me;
  all risk would have been incurred; and all duty violated。”
  “Perhaps   I   ought   to   have   reasoned   thus;”   he   replied;   “but   I
  could not。 I could not derive benefit from the late knowledge I had
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  acquired   of   your   character。   I   could   not   bring   it   into   play;   it   was
  overwhelmed;   buried;   lost   in   those   earlier   feelings   which   I   had
  been smarting under year after year。 I could think of you only as
  one    who     had   yielded;    who    had    given   me    up;   who    had    been
  influenced by any one rather than by me。 I saw you with the very
  person who had guided you in that year of misery。 I had no reason
  to believe her of less authority now。—The force of habit was to be
  added。”
  “I   should     have    thought;”     said   Anne;    “that    my   manner       to
  yourself might have spared you much or all of this。”
  “No;    no!   your    manner     might    be   only    the  ease    which    your
  engagement   to   another   man   would   give。   I   left   you   in   this   belief;
  and yet—I was determined to see you again。 My spirits rallied with
  the   morning;   and   I   felt   that   I   had   still  a   motive  for   remaining
  here。”
  At last Anne was at  home   again;   and   happier  than any  one  in
  that   house   could   have   conceived。   All   the   surprise   and   suspense;
  and   every   other   painful   part   of   the   morning   dissipated   by   this
  conversation; she re…entered the house so happy as to be   obliged
  to   find   an   alloy   in   some   momentary   apprehensions   of   its   being
  impossible to last。 An interval of meditation; serious and grateful;
  was    the   best   corrective    of  everything      dangerous      in  such   high…
  wrought felicity; and she went to her room; and grew steadfast and
  fearless in the thankfulness of her enjoyment。
  The    evening     came;    the   drawing…rooms        were    lighted   up;   the
  company assembled。 It was but a card party; it was but a mixture
  of those who had never met before; and those who met too often—
  a commonplace business; too numerous for intimacy; too small for
  variety;   but   Anne   had   never   found   an   evening   shorter。   Glowing
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  and     lovely   in   sensibility    and   happiness;      and    more    generally
  admired than she thought about or cared for; she had cheerful or
  forbearing  feelings   for  every  creature   around   her。   Mr。