第 1 节
作者:美丽心点      更新:2022-04-08 21:02      字数:9322
  STAGE…LAND
  by Jerome K。 Jerome
  TO
  THAT HIGHLY RESPECTABLE BUT UNNECESSARILY
  RETIRING INDIVIDUAL;
  OF WHOM
  WE HEAR SO MUCH
  BUT
  SEE SO LITTLE;
  〃THE EARNEST STUDENT OF THE DRAMA;〃
  THIS
  (COMPARATIVELY) TRUTHFUL LITTLE BOOK
  IS LOVINGLY DEDICATED。
  CONTENTS。
  THE HERO
  THE VILLAIN
  THE HEROINE
  THE COMIC MAN
  THE LAWYER
  THE ADVENTURESS
  THE SERVANT GIRL
  THE CHILD
  THE COMIC LOVERS
  THE PEASANTS
  THE GOOD OLD MAN
  THE IRISHMAN
  THE DETECTIVE
  THE SAILOR
  STAGE…LAND。
  THE HERO。
  His name is George; generally speaking。  〃Call me George!〃 he says to
  the heroine。  She calls him George (in a very low voice; because she
  is so young and timid)。  Then he is happy。
  The stage hero never has any work to do。  He is always hanging about
  and getting into trouble。  His chief aim in life is to be accused of
  crimes he has never committed; and if he can muddle things up with a
  corpse in some complicated way so as to get himself reasonably
  mistaken for the murderer; he feels his day has not been wasted。
  He has a wonderful gift of speech and a flow of language calculated to
  strike terror to the bravest heart。  It is a grand thing to hear him
  bullyragging the villain。
  The stage hero is always entitled to 〃estates;〃 chiefly remarkable for
  their high state of cultivation and for the eccentric ground plan of
  the 〃manor house〃 upon them。  The house is never more than one story
  high; but it makes up in green stuff over the porch what it lacks in
  size and convenience。
  The chief drawback in connection with it; to our eyes; is that all the
  inhabitants of the neighboring village appear to live in the front
  garden; but the hero evidently thinks it rather nice of them; as it
  enables him to make speeches to them from the front doorstephis
  favorite recreation。
  There is generally a public…house immediately opposite。  This is
  handy。
  These 〃estates〃 are a great anxiety to the stage hero。  He is not what
  you would call a business man; as far as we can judge; and his
  attempts to manage his own property invariably land him in ruin and
  distraction。  His 〃estates;〃 however; always get taken away from him
  by the villain before the first act is over; and this saves him all
  further trouble with regard to them until the end of the play; when he
  gets saddled with them once more。
  Not but what it must be confessed that there is much excuse for the
  poor fellow's general bewilderment concerning his affairs and for his
  legal errors and confusions generally。  Stage 〃law〃 may not be quite
  the most fearful and wonderful mystery in the whole universe; but it's
  near itvery near it。  We were under the impression at one time that
  we ourselves knew somethingjust a littleabout statutory and common
  law; but after paying attention to the legal points of one or two
  plays we found that we were mere children at it。
  We thought we would not be beaten; and we determined to get to the
  bottom of stage law and to understand it; but after some six months'
  effort our brain (a singularly fine one) began to soften; and we
  abandoned the study; believing it would come cheaper in the end to
  offer a suitable reward; of about 50;000 pounds or 60;000 pounds; say;
  to any one who would explain it to us。
  The reward has remained unclaimed to the present day and is still
  open。
  One gentleman did come to our assistance a little while ago; but his
  explanations only made the matter more confusing to our minds than it
  was before。  He was surprised at what he called our density; and said
  the thing was all clear and simple to him。  But we discovered
  afterward that he was an escaped lunatic。
  The only points of stage 〃law〃 on which we are at all clear are as
  follows:
  That if a man dies without leaving a will; then all his property goes
  to the nearest villain。
  But if a man dies and leaves a will; then all his property goes to
  whoever can get possession of that will。
  That the accidental loss of the three…and…sixpenny copy of a marriage
  certificate annuls the marriage。
  That the evidence of one prejudiced witness of shady antecedents is
  quite sufficient to convict the most stainless and irreproachable
  gentleman of crimes for the committal of which he could have had no
  possible motive。
  But that this evidence may be rebutted years afterward; and the
  conviction quashed without further trial by the unsupported statement
  of the comic man。
  That if A forges B's name to a check; then the law of the land is that
  B shall be sentenced to ten years' penal servitude。
  That ten minutes' notice is all that is required to foreclose a
  mortgage。
  That all trials of criminal cases take place in the front parlor of
  the victim's house; the villain acting as counsel; judge; and jury
  rolled into one; and a couple of policemen being told off to follow
  his instructions。
  These are a few of the more salient features of stage 〃law〃 so far as
  we have been able to grasp it up to the present; but as fresh acts and
  clauses and modifications appear to be introduced for each new play;
  we have abandoned all hope of ever being able to really comprehend the
  subject。
  To return to our hero; the state of the law; as above sketched;
  naturally confuses him; and the villain; who is the only human being
  who does seem to understand stage legal questions; is easily able to
  fleece and ruin him。  The simple…minded hero signs mortgages; bills of
  sale; deeds of gift; and such like things; under the impression that
  he is playing some sort of a round game; and then when he cannot pay
  the interest they take his wife and children away from him and turn
  him adrift into the world。
  Being thrown upon his own resources; he naturally starves。
  He can make long speeches; he can tell you all his troubles; he can
  stand in the lime…light and strike attitudes; he can knock the villain
  down; and he can defy the police; but these requirements are not much
  in demand in the labor market; and as they are all he can do or cares
  to do; he finds earning his living a much more difficult affair than
  he fancied。
  There is a deal too much hard work about it for him。  He soon gives up
  trying it at all; and prefers to eke out an uncertain existence by
  sponging upon good…natured old Irish women and generous but
  weak…minded young artisans who have left their native village to
  follow him and enjoy the advantage of his company and conversation。
  And so he drags out his life during the middle of the piece; raving at
  fortune; raging at humanity; and whining about his miseries until the
  last act。
  Then he gets back those 〃estates〃 of his into his possession once
  again; and can go back to the village and make more moral speeches and
  be happy。
  Moral speeches are undoubtedly his leading article; and of these; it
  must be owned; he has an inexhaustible stock。  He is as chock…full of
  noble sentiments as a bladder is of wind。  They are weak and watery
  sentiments of the sixpenny tea…meeting order。  We have a dim notion
  that we have heard them before。  The sound of them always conjures up
  to our mind the vision of a dull long room; full of oppressive
  silence; broken only by the scratching of steel pens and an occasional
  whispered 〃Give us a suck; Bill。  You know I always liked you;〃 or a
  louder 〃Please; sir; speak to Jimmy Boggles。  He's a…jogging my
  elbow。〃
  The stage hero; however; evidently regards these meanderings as gems
  of brilliant thought; fresh from the philosophic mine。
  The gallery greets them with enthusiastic approval。  They are a
  warm…hearted people; galleryites; and they like to give a hearty
  welcome to old friends。
  And then; too; the sentiments are so good and a British gallery is so
  moral。  We doubt if there could be discovered on this earth any body
  of human beings half so moralso fond of goodness; even when it is
  slow and stupidso hateful of meanness in word or deedas a modern
  theatrical gallery。
  The early Christian martyrs were sinful and worldly compared with an
  Adelphi gallery。
  The stage hero is a very powerful man。  You wouldn't think it to look
  at him; but you wait till the heroine cries 〃Help!  Oh; George; save
  me!〃 or the police attempt to run him in。  Then two villains; three
  extra hired ruffians and four detectives are about his
  fighting…weight。
  If he knocks down less than three men with one blow; he fears that he
  must be ill; and wonders 〃Why this strange weakness?〃
  The hero has his own way of making love。  He always does it from
  behind。  The girl turns away from him when he begins (she being; as we
  have said; shy and timid); and he takes hold of her hands and breathes
  his attachment down her back。
  The stage hero always wears patent…leather boots; and they are always
  spotlessly clean。  Sometimes he is rich and lives in a room with seven
  doors to it; and at other times he is starving in a garret; but in
  either event he still wears brand…new patent…leather boots。
  He might raise at least three…and…sixpence on those boots; and when
  the baby is crying for food; it occurs to us that it would be better
  if; instead of praying to Heaven; he took off those boots and pawned
  them; but this does not seem to occur to him。
  He crosses the A