ectures　at　all。　But　the　people　who　do　go　to　a　lecture　and　who　get　tired　of　it；　presently　hold　it　as　a　sort　of　a　grudge　against　the　lecturer　personally。　In　reality　his　sufferings　are　worse　than　theirs。
  For　my　own　part　I　always　try　to　appear　as　happy　as　possible　while　I　am　lecturing。　I　take　this　to　be　part　of　the　trade　of　anybody　labelled　a　humourist　and　paid　as　such。　I　have　no　sympathy　whatever　with　the　idea　that　a　humourist　ought　to　be　a　lugubrious　person　with　a　face　stamped　with　melancholy。　This　is　a　cheap　and　elementary　effect　belonging　to　the　level　of　a　circus　clown。　The　image　of　〃laughter　shaking　both　his　sides〃　is　the　truer　picture　of　comedy。　　Therefore；　I　say；　I　always　try　to　appear　cheerful　at　my　lectures　and　even　to　laugh　at　my　own　jokes。　Oddly　enough　this　arouses　a　kind　of　resentment　in　some　of　the　audience。　〃Well；　I　will　say；〃　said　a　stern…looking　woman　who　spoke　to　me　after　one　of　my　lectures；　〃you　certainly　do　seem　to　enjoy　your　own　fun。〃　〃Madam；〃　I　answered；　〃if　I　didn't；　who　would？〃　But　in　reality　the　whole　business　of　being　a　public　lecturer　is　one　long　variation　of　boredom　and　fatigue。　So　I　propose　to　set　down　here　some　of　the　many　trials　which　the　lecturer　has　to　bear。
  The　first　of　the　troubles　which　any　one　who　begins　giving　public　lectures　meets　at　the　very　outset　is　the　fact　that　the　audience　won't　come　to　hear　him。　This　happens　invariably　and　constantly；　and　not　through　any　fault　or　shortcoming　of　the　speaker。
  I　don't　say　that　this　happened　very　often　to　me　in　my　tour　in　England。　In　nearly　all　cases　I　had　crowded　audiences：　by　dividing　up　the　money　that　I　received　by　the　average　number　of　people　present　to　hear　me　I　have　calculated　that　they　paid　thirteen　cents　each。　And　my　lectures　are　evidently　worth　thirteen　cents。　But　at　home　in　Canada　I　have　very　often　tried　the　fatal　experiment　of　lecturing　for　nothing：　and　in　that　case　the　audience　simply　won't　come。　A　man　will　turn　out　at　night　when　he　knows　he　is　going　to　hear　a　first　class　thirteen　cent　lecture；　but　when　the　thing　is　given　for　nothing；　why　go　to　it？
  The　city　in　which　I　live　is　overrun　with　little　societies；　clubs　and　associations；　always　wanting　to　be　addressed。　So　at　least　it　is　in　appearance。　In　reality　the　societies　are　composed　of　presidents；　secretaries　and　officials；　who　want　the　conspicuousness　of　office；　and　a　large　list　of　other　members　who　won't　come　to　the　meetings。　For　such　an　association；　the　invited　speaker　who　is　to　lecture　for　nothing　prepares　his　lecture　on　〃Indo…Germanic　Factors　in　the　Current　of　History。〃　If　he　is　a　professor；　he　takes　all　the　winter　at　it。　You　may　drop　in　at　his　house　at　any　time　and　his　wife　will　tell　you　that　he　is　〃upstairs　working　on　his　lecture。〃　If　he　comes　down　at　all　it　is　in　carpet　slippers　and　dressing　gown。　His　mental　vision　of　his　meeting　is　that　of　a　huge　gathering　of　keen　people　with　Indo…Germanic　faces；　hanging　upon　every　word。
  Then　comes　the　fated　night。　There　are　seventeen　people　present。　　The　lecturer　refuses　to　count　them。　He　refers　to　them　afterwards　as　〃about　a　hundred。〃　To　this　group　he　reads　his　paper　on　the　Indo…Germanic　Factor。　It　takes　him　two　hours。　When　he　is　over　the　chairman　invites　discussion。　　There　is　no　discussion。　The　audience　is　willing　to　let　the　Indo…Germanic　factors　go　unchallenged。　Then　the　chairman　makes　this　speech。　He　says：
  〃I　am　very　sorry　indeed　that　we　should　have　had　such　a　very　poor　'turn　out'　to…night。　I　am　sure　that　the　members　who　were　not　here　have　missed　a　real　treat　in　the　delightful　paper　that　we　have　listened　to。　I　want　to　assure　the　lecturer　that　if　he　comes　to　the　Owl's　Club　again　we　can　guarantee　him　next　time　a　capacity　audience。　And　will　any　members；　please；　who　haven't　paid　their　dollar　this　winter；　pay　it　either　to　me　or　to　Mr。　Sibley　as　they　pass　out。〃
  I　have　heard　this　speech　（in　the　years　when　I　have　had　to　listen　to　it）　so　many　times　that　I　know　it　by　heart。　I　have　made　the　acquaintance　of　the　Owl's　Club　under　so　many　names　that　I　recognise　it　at　once。　I　am　aware　that　its　members　refuse　to　turn　out　in　cold　weather；　that　they　do　not　turn　out　in　wet　weather；　that　when　the　weather　is　really　fine；　it　is　impossible　to　get　them　together；　that　the　slightest　counter…attraction；a　hockey　match；　a　sacred　concert；goes　to　their　heads　at　once。
  There　was　a　time　when　I　was　the　newly　appointed　occupant　of　a　college　chair　and　had　to　address　the　Owl's　Club。　It　is　a　penalty　that　all　new　professors　pay；　and　the　Owls　batten　upon　them　like　bats。　It　is　one　of　the　compensations　of　age　that　I　am　free　of　the　Owl's　Club　forever。　But　in　the　days　when　I　still　had　to　address　them；　I　used　to　take　it　out　of　the　Owls　in　a　speech；　delivered；　in　imagination　only　and　not　out　loud；　to　the　assembled　meeting　of　the　seventeen　Owls；　after　the　chairman　had　made　his　concluding　remarks。　It　ran　as　follows：
  〃Gentlemenif　you　are　such；　which　I　doubt。　I　realise　that　the　paper　which　I　have　read　on　〃Was　Hegel　a　deist？〃　has　been　an　error。　　I　spent　all　the　winter　on　it　and　now　I　realise　that　not　one　of　you　pups　know　who　Hegel　was　or　what　a　deist　is。　Never　mind。　It　is　over　now；　and　I　am　glad。　But　just　let　me　say　this；　only　this；　which　won't　keep　you　a　minute。　Your　chairman　has　been　good　enough　to　say　that　if　I　come　again　you　will　get　together　a　capacity　audience　to　hear　me。　　Let　me　tell　you　that　if　your　society　waits　for　its　next　meeting　till　I　come　to　address　you　again；　you　will　wait　indeed。　In　fact；　gentlemenI　say　it　very　franklyit　will　be　in　another　world。〃
  But　I　pass　over　the　audience。　Suppose　there　is　a　real　audience；　and　suppose　them　all　duly　gathered　together。　Then　it　becomes　the　business　of　that　gloomy　gentlemanfacetiously　referred　to　in　the　newspaper　reports　as　the　〃genial　chairman〃to　put　the　lecturer　to　the　bad。　In　nine　cases　out　of　ten　he　can　do　so。　Some　chairmen；　indeed；　develop　a　great　gift　for　it。　Here　are　one　or　two　examples　from　my　own　experience：
  〃Ladies　and　gentlemen；〃　said　the　chairman　of　a　society　in　a　little　country　town　in　Western　Ontario；　to　which　I　had　come　as　a　paid　（a　very　humbly　paid）　lecturer；　〃we　have　with　us　tonight　a　gentleman〃　（here　he　made　an　attempt　to　read　my　name　on　a　card；　failed　to　read　it　and　put　the　card　back　in　his　pocket）〃a　gentleman　who　is　to　lecture　to　us　on〃　（here　he　looked　at　his　card　again）〃on　Ancient　Ancient；I　don't　very　well　see　what　it　isAncient　Britain？　Thank　you；　on　Ancient　Britain。　　Now；　this　is　the　first　of　our　series　of　lectures　for　this　winter。　　The　last　series；　as　you　all　know；　was　not　a　success。　In　fact；　we　came　out　at　the　end　of　the　year　with　a　deficit。　So　this　year　we　are　starting　a　new　line　and　trying　the　experiment　of　cheaper　talent。〃
  Here　the　chairman　gracefully　waved　his　hand　toward　me　and　there　was　a　certain　amount　of　applause。　〃Before　I　sit　down；〃　the　chairman　added；　〃I'd　like　to　say　that　I　am　sorry　to　see　such　a　poor　turn…out　to…night　and　to　ask　any　of　the　members　who　haven't　paid　their　dollar　to　pay　it　either　to　me　or　to　Mr。　Sibley　as　they　pass　out。〃
  Let　anybody　who　knows　the　discomfiture　of　coming　out　before　an　audience　on　any　terms；　judge　how　it　feels　to　crawl　out　in　front　of　them　labelled　cheaper　talent。
  Another　charming　way　in　which　the　chairman　endeavours　to　put　both　the　speaker　for　the　evening　and　the　audience　into　an　entirely　good　humour；　is　by　reading　out　letters　of　regret　from　persons　unable　to　be　present。　This；　of　course；　is　only　for　grand　occasions　when　the　speaker　has　been　invited　to　come　under　very　special　auspices。　It　was　my　fate；　not　long　ago；　to　〃appear〃　（this　is　the　correct　word　to　use　in　this　connection）　in　this　capacity　when　I　was　going　about　Canada　trying　to　raise　some　money　for　the　relief　of　the　Belgians。　I　travelled　in　great　glory　with　a　pass　on　the　Canadian　Pacific　Railway　（not　since　extended：　officials　of　the　road　kindly　note　this）　and　was　most　generously　entertained　wherever　I　went。
  It　was；　therefore；　the　business　of　the　chairman　at　such　meetings　as　these　to　try　and　put　a　special　distinction　or　cachet　on　the　gathering。　This　is　how　it　was　done：
  〃Ladies　and　gentlemen；〃　said　the　chairman；　rising　from　his　seat　on　the　platform　with　a　little　bundle　of　papers　in　his　hand；　〃before　I　introduce　the　speaker　of　the　evening；　I　have　one　or　two　items　that　I　want　to　read　to　you。〃　Here　he　rustles　his　papers　and　there　is　a　deep　hush　in　the　hall　while　he　selects　one。　〃We　had　hoped　to　have　with　us　to…night　Sir　Robert　Borden；　the　Prime　Minister　of　this　Dominion。　I　have　just　received　a　telegram　from　Sir　Robert　in　which　he　says　that　he　will　not　be　able　to　be　here〃　（great　applause）。　　The　chairman　puts　up　his　hand　for　silence；　picks　up　another　telegram　and　continues；　〃Our　committee；　ladies　and　gentlemen；　telegraphed　an　invitation　to　Sir　Wilfrid　Laurier　very　cordially　inviting　him　to　be　here　to…night。　I　have　here　Sir　Wilfrid's　answer　in　which　he　says　that　he　will　not　be　able　to　be　with　us〃　（renewed　applause）。　　The　chairman　again　puts　up　his　hand　for　silence　and　goes　on；　picking　up　one　paper　after　another。　〃The　Minister　of　Finance　regrets　that　he　will　be　unable　to　come〃　（applause）。　〃Mr。　Rodolphe　Lemieux　（applause）　will　not　be　here　（great　applause）the　Mayor　of　Toronto　（applause）　is　detained　on　business　（wild　applause）the　Anglican　Bishop　of　the　Diocese　（applause）the　Principal　of　the　University　Colleg