第 66 节
作者:吹嘻      更新:2021-11-05 20:37      字数:9322
  〃Piqued by her tone and look; I disavowed the existence of any
  claims upon my attention; and to prove the sincerity of my words; I
  persisted in addressing my attentions to her。  Once or twice I
  fancied I caught flying glances; in which some of the company
  criticised my conduct; and Ottilie also seemed to me unusually
  quiet。  But her manner; though quiet; was untroubled and unchanged。
  I talked less to her than usual; partly because I talked so much to
  Agalma; and partly because I felt that Agalma's eyes were on us。
  But no shadow of 'temper' or reserve darkened our interchange of
  speech。
  〃On our way back; I know not what devil prompted me to ask Agalma
  whether she had really been in earnest in her former allusion to
  'somebody。'
  〃'Yes;' she said; 'I was in earnest then。'
  〃'And now?'
  〃'Now I have doubts。  I may have been misinformed。  It's no concern
  of mine; anyway; but I had been given to understand。  However; I
  admit that my own eyes have not confirmed what my ears heard。'
  〃This speech was irritating on two separate grounds。  It implied
  that people were talking freely of my attachment; which; until I
  had formally acknowledged it; I resented as an impertinence; and it
  implied that; from personal observation; Agalma doubted Ottilie's
  feelings for me。  This alarmed my quick…retreating pride!  I; too;
  began to doubt。  Once let loose on that field; imagination soon saw
  shapes enough to confirm any doubt。  Ottilie's manner certainly had
  seemed less tendernay; somewhat indifferentduring the last few
  days。  Had the arrival of that heavy lout; her cousin; anything to
  do with this change?
  〃Not to weary you by recalling all the unfolding stages of this
  miserable story with the minuteness of detail which my own memory
  morbidly lingers on; I will hurry to the catastrophe。  I grew more
  and more doubtful of the existence in Ottilie's mind of any feeling
  stronger than friendship for me; and as this doubt strengthened;
  there arose the flattering suspicion that I was becoming an object
  of greater interest to Agalma; who had quite changed her tone
  towards me; and had become serious in her speech and manner。  Weeks
  passed。  Ottilie had fallen from her pedestal; and had taken her
  place among agreeable acquaintances。  One day I suddenly learned
  that Ottilie was engaged to her cousin。
  〃You will not wonder that Agalma; who before this had exercised
  great fascination over me; now doubly became an object of the most
  tender interest。  I fell madly in love。  Hitherto I had never known
  that passion。  My feeling for Ottilie I saw was but the
  inarticulate stammerings of the mighty voice which now sounded
  throught the depths of my nature。  The phrase; madly in love; is no
  exaggeration; madness alone knows such a fever of the brain; such a
  tumult of the heart。  It was not that reason was overpowered; on
  the contrary; reason was intensely active; but active with that
  logic of flames which lights up the vision of maniacs。
  〃Although; of course; my passion was but too evident to every one;
  I dreaded its premature avowal; lest I should lose her; and almost
  equally dreaded delay; lest I should suffer from that also。  At
  length the avowal was extorted from me by jealousy of a brilliant
  PoleKorinskiwho had recently appeared in our circle; and was
  obviously casting me in the shade by his superior advantages of
  novelty; of personal attraction; and of a romantic history。  She
  accepted me; and now; for a time; I was the happiest of mortals。
  The fever of the last few weeks was abating; it gave place to a
  deep tide of hopeful joy。  Could I have died then!  Could I have
  even died shortly afterwards; when I knew the delicious mystery of
  a jealousy not too absorbing!  For you must know that my happiness
  was brief。  Jealousy; to which all passion of a deep and exacting
  power is inevitably allied; soon began to disturb my content。
  Agalma had no tenderness。  She permitted caresses; never returned
  them。  She was ready enough to listen to all my plans for the
  future; so long as the recital moved amid details of fortune and
  her position in societythat is; so long as her vanity was
  interested; but I began to observe with pain that her thoughts
  never rested on tender domesticities and poetic anticipations。
  This vexed me more and more。  The very spell which she exercised
  over me made her want of tenderness more intolerable。  I yearned
  for her lovefor some sympathy with the vehement passion which was
  burning within me; and she was as marble。
  〃You will not be surprised to hear that I reproached her bitterly
  for her indifference。  That is the invariable and fatal folly of
  loversthey seem to imagine that a heart can be scolded into
  tenderness!  To my reproaches she at first answered impatiently
  that they were unjust; that it was not her fault if her nature was
  less expansive than mine; and that it was insulting to be told she
  was indifferent to the man whom she had consented to marry。  Later
  she answered my reproaches with haughty defiance; one day
  intimating that if I really thought what I said; and repented our
  engagement; it would be most prudent for us to separate ere it was
  too late。  This quieted me for a while。  But it brought no balm to
  my wounds。
  〃And now fresh tortures were added。  Korinski became quite marked
  in his attentions to Agalma。  These she received with evident
  delight; so much so; that I saw by the glances of others that they
  were scandalized at it; and this; of course; increased my pain。  My
  renewed reproaches only made her manner colder to me; to Korinski
  it became what I would gladly have seen towards myself。
  〃The stress and agitation of those days were too much for me。  I
  fell ill; and for seven weeks lay utterly prostrate。  On
  recovering; this note was handed to me。  It was from Agalma。〃
  Bourgonef here held out to me a crumpled letter; and motioned that
  I should open it and read。  It ran thus:
  〃I have thought much of what you have so often said; that it would
  be for the happiness of both if our unfortunate engagement were set
  aside。  That you have a real affection for me I believe; and be
  assured that I once had a real affection for you; not; perhaps; the
  passionate love which a nature so exacting as yours demands; and
  which I earnestly hope it may one day find; but a genuine affection
  nevertheless; which would have made me proud to share your lot。
  But it would be uncandid in me to pretend that this now exists。
  Your incessant jealousy; the angry feelings excited by your
  reproaches; the fretful irritation in which for some time we have
  lived together; has completely killed what love I had; and I no
  longer feel prepared to risk the happiness of both of us by a
  marriage。  What you said the other night convinces me that it is
  even your desire our engagement should cease。  It is certainly
  mine。  Let us try to think kindly of each other and meet again as
  friends。
  AGALMA LIEBENSTEIN。〃
  When I had read this and returned it to him; he said:
  〃You see that this was written on the day I was taken ill。  Whether
  she knew that I was helpless I know not。  At any rate; she never
  sent to inquire after me。  She went off to Paris; Korinski followed
  her; andas I quickly learned on going once more into society
  they were married!  Did you ever; in the whole course of your
  experience; hear of such heartless conduct?〃
  Bourgonef asked this with a ferocity which quite startled me。  I
  did not answer him; for; in truth; I could not see that Agalma had
  been very much to blame; even as he told the story; and felt sure
  that could I have heard her version it would have worn a very
  different aspect。  That she was cold; and disappointed him; might
  be true enough; but there was no crime; and I perfectly understood
  how thoroughly odious he must have made himself to her by his
  exactions and reproaches。  I understood this; perhaps; all the
  better; because in the course of his narrative Bourgonef had
  revealed to me aspects of his nature which were somewhat repulsive。
  Especially was I struck with his morbid vanity; and his readiness
  to impute low motives to others。  This unpleasant view of his
  charactera character in many respects so admirable for its
  generosity and refinementwas deepened as he went on; instead of
  awaiting my reply to his question。
  〃For a wrong so measureless; you will naturally ask what
  measureless revenge I sought。〃
  The idea had not occurred to me; indeed I could see no wrong; and
  this notion of revenge was somewhat startling in such a case。
  〃I debated it long;〃 he continued。  〃I felt that since I was
  prevented from arresting any of the evil to myself; I could at
  least mature my plans for an adequate discharge of just
  retributions on her。  It reveals the impotence resulting from the
  trammels of modern civilization; that while the possibilities of
  wrong are infinite; the openings for