第 16 节
作者:
风雅颂 更新:2021-10-16 18:44 字数:9321
space; in so far as they were the stuff of my consciousness;
underwent an enormous extension。 Thus; without opening my eyes to
verify; I knew that the walls of my narrow cell had receded until it
was like a vast audience…chamber。 And while I contemplated the
matter; I knew that they continued to recede。 The whim struck me
for a moment that if a similar expansion were taking place with the
whole prison; then the outer walls of San Quentin must be far out in
the Pacific Ocean on one side and on the other side must be
encroaching on the Nevada desert。 A companion whim was that since
matter could permeate matter; then the walls of my cell might well
permeate the prison walls; pass through the prison walls; and thus
put my cell outside the prison and put me at liberty。 Of course;
this was pure fantastic whim; and I knew it at the time for what it
was。
The extension of time was equally remarkable。 Only at long
intervals did my heart beat。 Again a whim came to me; and I counted
the seconds; slow and sure; between my heart…beats。 At first; as I
clearly noted; over a hundred seconds intervened between beats。 But
as I continued to count the intervals extended so that I was made
weary of counting。
And while this illusion of the extension of time and space persisted
and grew; I found myself dreamily considering a new and profound
problem。 Morrell had told me that he had won freedom from his body
by killing his bodyor by eliminating his body from his
consciousness; which; of course; was in effect the same thing。 Now;
my body was so near to being entirely dead that I knew in all
absoluteness that by a quick concentration of will on the yet…alive
patch of my torso it; too; would cease to be。 Butand here was the
problem; and Morrell had not warned me: should I also will my head
to be dead? If I did so; no matter what befell the spirit of
Darrell Standing; would not the body of Darrell Standing be for ever
dead?
I chanced the chest and the slow…beating heart。 The quick
compulsion of my will was rewarded。 I no longer had chest nor
heart。 I was only a mind; a soul; a consciousnesscall it what you
willincorporate in a nebulous brain that; while it still centred
inside my skull; was expanded; and was continuing to expand; beyond
my skull。
And then; with flashings of light; I was off and away。 At a bound I
had vaulted prison roof and California sky; and was among the
stars。 I say 〃stars〃 advisedly。 I walked among the stars。 I was a
child。 I was clad in frail; fleece…like; delicate…coloured robes
that shimmered in the cool starlight。 These robes; of course; were
based upon my boyhood observance of circus actors and my boyhood
conception of the garb of young angels。
Nevertheless; thus clad; I trod interstellar space; exalted by the
knowledge that I was bound on vast adventure; where; at the end; I
would find all the cosmic formulae and have made clear to me the
ultimate secret of the universe。 In my hand I carried a long glass
wand。 It was borne in upon me that with the tip of this wand I must
touch each star in passing。 And I knew; in all absoluteness; that
did I but miss one star I should be precipitated into some
unplummeted abyss of unthinkable and eternal punishment and guilt。
Long I pursued my starry quest。 When I say 〃long;〃 you must bear in
mind the enormous extension of time that had occurred in my brain。
For centuries I trod space; with the tip of my wand and with
unerring eye and hand tapping each star I passed。 Ever the way grew
brighter。 Ever the ineffable goal of infinite wisdom grew nearer。
And yet I made no mistake。 This was no other self of mine。 This
was no experience that had once been mine。 I was aware all the time
that it was I; Darrell Standing; who walked among the stars and
tapped them with a wand of glass。 In short; I knew that here was
nothing real; nothing that had ever been nor could ever be。 I knew
that it was nothing else than a ridiculous orgy of the imagination;
such as men enjoy in drug dreams; in delirium; or in mere ordinary
slumber。
And then; as all went merry and well with me on my celestial quest;
the tip of my wand missed a star; and on the instant I knew I had
been guilty of a great crime。 And on the instant a knock; vast and
compulsive; inexorable and mandatory as the stamp of the iron hoof
of doom; smote me and reverberated across the universe。 The whole
sidereal system coruscated; reeled and fell in flame。
I was torn by an exquisite and disruptive agony。 And on the instant
I was Darrell Standing; the life…convict; lying in his strait…jacket
in solitary。 And I knew the immediate cause of that summons。 It
was a rap of the knuckle by Ed Morrell; in Cell Five; beginning the
spelling of some message。
And now; to give some comprehension of the extension of time and
space that I was experiencing。 Many days afterwards I asked Morrell
what he had tried to convey to me。 It was a simple message; namely:
〃Standing; are you there?〃 He had tapped it rapidly; while the
guard was at the far end of the corridor into which the solitary
cells opened。 As I say; he had tapped the message very rapidly。
And now behold! Between the first tap and the second I was off and
away among the stars; clad in fleecy garments; touching each star as
I passed in my pursuit of the formulae that would explain the last
mystery of life。 And; as before; I pursued the quest for centuries。
Then came the summons; the stamp of the hoof of doom; the exquisite
disruptive agony; and again I was back in my cell in San Quentin。
It was the second tap of Ed Morrell's knuckle。 The interval between
it and the first tap could have been no more than a fifth of a
second。 And yet; so unthinkably enormous was the extension of time
to me; that in the course of that fifth of a second I had been away
star…roving for long ages。
Now I know; my reader; that the foregoing seems all a farrago。 I
agree with you。 It is farrago。 It was experience; however。 It was
just as real to me as is the snake beheld by a man in delirium
tremens。
Possibly; by the most liberal estimate; it may have taken Ed Morrell
two minutes to tap his question。 Yet; to me; aeons elapsed between
the first tap of his knuckle and the last。 No longer could I tread
my starry path with that ineffable pristine joy; for my way was
beset with dread of the inevitable summons that would rip and tear
me as it jerked me back to my straitjacket hell。 Thus my aeons of
star…wandering were aeons of dread。
And all the time I knew it was Ed Morrell's knuckle that thus
cruelly held me earth…bound。 I tried to speak to him; to ask him to
cease。 But so thoroughly had I eliminated my body from my
consciousness that I was unable to resurrect it。 My body lay dead
in the jacket; though I still inhabited the skull。 In vain I strove
to will my foot to tap my message to Morrell。 I reasoned I had a
foot。 And yet; so thoroughly had I carried out the experiment; I
had no foot。
Nextand I know now that it was because Morrell had spelled his
message quite outI pursued my way among the stars and was not
called back。 After that; and in the course of it; I was aware;
drowsily; that I was falling asleep; and that it was delicious
sleep。 From time to time; drowsily; I stirredplease; my reader;
don't miss that verbI STIRRED。 I moved my legs; my arms。 I was
aware of clean; soft bed linen against my skin。 I was aware of
bodily well…being。 Oh; it was delicious! As thirsting men on the
desert dream of splashing fountains and flowing wells; so dreamed I
of easement from the constriction of the jacket; of cleanliness in
the place of filth; of smooth velvety skin of health in place of my
poor parchment…crinkled hide。 But I dreamed with a difference; as
you shall see。
I awoke。 Oh; broad and wide awake I was; although I did not open my
eyes。 And please know that in all that follows I knew no surprise
whatever。 Everything was the natural and the expected。 I was I; be
sure of that。 BUT I WAS NOT DARRELL STANDING。 Darrell Standing had
no more to do with the being I was than did Darrell Standing's
parchment…crinkled skin have aught to do with the cool; soft skin
that was mine。 Nor was I aware of any Darrell Standingas I could
not well be; considering that Darrell Standing was as yet unborn and
would not be born for centuries。 But you shall see。
I lay with closed eyes; lazily listening。 From without came the
clacking of many hoofs moving orderly on stone flags。 From the
accompanying jingle of metal bits of man…harness and steed…harness I
knew some cavalcade was passing by on the street beneath my windows。
Also; I wondered idly who it was。 From somewhereand I knew where;
for I knew it was from the inn yardcame the ring and stamp of
hoofs and an impatient neigh that I recognized as belonging to my
waiting horse。