第 149 节
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intercourse—which I trust will never be disturbed!—we draw a
line。 On one side of this line;’ said Mr。 Micawber; representing it
on the desk with the office ruler; ‘is the whole range of the human
intellect; with a trifling exception; on the other; is that exception;
that is to say; the affairs of Messrs Wickfield and Heep; with all
belonging and appertaining thereunto。 I trust I give no offence to
the companion of my youth; in submitting this proposition to his
cooler judgement?’
Though I saw an uneasy change in Mr。 Micawber; which sat
tightly on him; as if his new duties were a misfit; I felt I had no
right to be offended。 My telling him so; appeared to relieve him;
and he shook hands with me。
‘I am charmed; Copperfield;’ said Mr。 Micawber; ‘let me assure
you; with Miss Wickfield。 She is a very superior young lady; of very
remarkable attractions; graces; and virtues。 Upon my honour;’
said Mr。 Micawber; indefinitely kissing his hand and bowing with
his genteelest air; ‘I do Homage to Miss Wickfield! Hem!’
‘I am glad of that; at least;’ said I。
‘If you had not assured us; my dear Copperfield; on the occasion
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of that agreeable afternoon we had the happiness of passing with
you; that D。 was your favourite letter;’ said Mr。 Micawber; ‘I
should unquestionably have supposed that A。 had been so。’
We have all some experience of a feeling; that comes over us
occasionally; of what we are saying and doing having been said
and done before; in a remote time—of our having been
surrounded; dim ages ago; by the same faces; objects; and
circumstances—of our knowing perfectly what will be said next; as
if we suddenly remembered it! I never had this mysterious
impression more strongly in my life; than before he uttered those
words。
I took my leave of Mr。 Micawber; for the time; charging him
with my best remembrances to all at home。 As I left him; resuming
his stool and his pen; and rolling his head in his stock; to get it into
easier writing order; I clearly perceived that there was something
interposed between him and me; since he had come into his new
functions; which prevented our getting at each other as we used to
do; and quite altered the character of our intercourse。
There was no one in the quaint old drawing…room; though it
presented tokens of Mrs。 Heep’s whereabouts。 I looked into the
room still belonging to Agnes; and saw her sitting by the fire; at a
pretty old…fashioned desk she had; writing。
My darkening the light made her look up。 What a pleasure to be
the cause of that bright change in her attentive face; and the object
of that sweet regard and welcome!
‘Ah; Agnes!’ said I; when we were sitting together; side by side;
‘I have missed you so much; lately!’
‘Indeed?’ she replied。 ‘Again! And so soon?’
I shook my head。
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‘I don’t know how it is; Agnes; I seem to want some faculty of
mind that I ought to have。 You were so much in the habit of
thinking for me; in the happy old days here; and I came so
naturally to you for counsel and support; that I really think I have
missed acquiring it。’
‘And what is it?’ said Agnes; cheerfully。
‘I don’t know what to call it;’ I replied。 ‘I think I am earnest and
persevering?’
‘I am sure of it;’ said Agnes。
‘And patient; Agnes?’ I inquired; with a little hesitation。
‘Yes;’ returned Agnes; laughing。 ‘Pretty well。’
‘And yet;’ said I; ‘I get so miserable and worried; and am so
unsteady and irresolute in my power of assuring myself; that I
know I must want—shall I call it—reliance; of some kind?’
‘Call it so; if you will;’ said Agnes。
‘Well!’ I returned。 ‘See here! You come to London; I rely on you;
and I have an object and a course at once。 I am driven out of it; I
come here; and in a moment I feel an altered person。 The
circumstances that distressed me are not changed; since I came
into this room; but an influence comes over me in that short
interval that alters me; oh; how much for the better! What is it?
What is your secret; Agnes?’
Her head was bent down; looking at the fire。
‘It’s the old story;’ said I。 ‘Don’t laugh; when I say it was always
the same in little things as it is in greater ones。 My old troubles
were nonsense; and now they are serious; but whenever I have
gone away from my adopted sister—’
Agnes looked up—with such a Heavenly face!—and gave me
her hand; which I kissed。
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‘Whenever I have not had you; Agnes; to advise and approve in
the beginning; I have seemed to go wild; and to get into all sorts of
difficulty。 When I have come to you; at last (as I have always done);
I have come to peace and happiness。 I come home; now; like a
tired traveller; and find such a blessed sense of rest!’
I felt so deeply what I said; it affected me so sincerely; that my
voice failed; and I covered my face with my hand; and broke into
tears。 I write the truth。 Whatever contradictions and
inconsistencies there were within me; as there are within so many
of us; whatever might have been so different; and so much better;
whatever I had done; in which I had perversely wandered away
from the voice of my own heart; I knew nothing of。 I only knew
that I was fervently in earnest; when I felt the rest and peace of
having Agnes near me。
In her placid sisterly manner; with her beaming eyes; with her
tender voice; and with that sweet composure; which had long ago
made the house that held her quite a sacred place to me; she soon
won me from this weakness; and led me on to tell all that had
happened since our last meeting。
‘And there is not another word to tell; Agnes;’ said I; when I had
made an end of my confidence。 ‘Now; my reliance is on you。’
‘But it must not be on me; Trotwood;’ returned Agnes; with a
pleasant smile。 ‘It must be on someone else。’
‘On Dora?’ said I。
‘Assuredly。’
‘Why; I have not mentioned; Agnes;’ said I; a little embarrassed;
‘that Dora is rather difficult to—I would not; for the world; say; to
rely upon; because she is the soul of purity and truth—but rather
difficult to—I hardly know how to express it; really; Agnes。 She is
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a timid little thing; and easily disturbed and frightened。 Some time
ago; before her father’s death; when I thought it right to mention
to her—but I’ll tell you; if you will bear with me; how it was。’
Accordingly; I told Agnes about my declaration of poverty;
about the cookery…book; the housekeeping accounts; and all the
rest of it。 ‘Oh; Trotwood!’ she remonstrated; with a smile。 ‘Just
your old headlong way! You might have been in earnest in striving
to get on in the world; without being so very sudden with a timid;
loving; inexperienced girl。 Poor Dora!’
I never heard such sweet forbearing kindness expressed in a
voice; as she expressed in making this reply。 It was as if I had seen
her admiringly and tenderly embracing Dora; and tacitly
reproving me; by her considerate protection; for my hot haste in
fluttering that little heart。 It was as if I had seen Dora; in all her
fascinating artlessness; caressing Agnes; and thanking her; and
coaxingly appealing against me; and loving me with all her
childish innocence。
I felt so grateful to Agnes; and admired her so! I saw those two
together; in a bright perspective; such well…associated friends;
each adorning the other so much!
‘What ought I to do then; Agnes?’ I inquired; after looking at the
fire a little while。 ‘What would it be right to do?’
‘I think;’ said Agnes; ‘that the honourable course to take; would
be to write to those two ladies。 Don’t you think that any secret
course is an unworthy one?’
‘Yes。 If you think so;’ said I。
‘I am poorly qualified to judge of such matters;’ replied Agnes;
with a modest hesitation; ‘but I certainly feel—in short; I feel that
your being secret and clandestine; is not being like yourself。’
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‘Like myself; in the too high opinion you have of me; Agnes; I
am afraid;’ said I。
‘Like yourself; in the candour of your nature;’ she returned;
‘and therefore I would write to those two ladies。 I would relate; as
plainly and as openly as possible; all that has taken place; and I
would ask their permission to visit sometimes; at their house。
Considering that you are young; and striving for a place in life; I
think it would be well to say that you would readily abide by any
conditions they might impose upon you。 I would entreat them not
to dismiss your request; without a reference to Dora; and to
discuss it with her when they should think the time suitable。 I
would not be too vehement;’ said Agnes; gently; ‘or propose too
much。 I would trust to my fidelity and perseverance—and to Dora。’
‘But if they were to frighten Dora a