第 142 节
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impression that I was a Bandit; and we all three went in; as happy
and loving as could be。 I soon carried desolation into the bosom of
our joys—not that I meant to do it; but that I was so full of the
subject—by asking Dora; without the smallest preparation; if she
could love a beggar?
My pretty; little; startled Dora! Her only association with the
word was a yellow face and a nightcap; or a pair of crutches; or a
wooden leg; or a dog with a decanter…stand in his mouth; or
something of that kind; and she stared at me with the most
delightful wonder。
‘How can you ask me anything so foolish?’ pouted Dora。 ‘Love a
beggar!’
‘Dora; my own dearest!’ said I。 ‘I am a beggar!’
‘How can you be such a silly thing;’ replied Dora; slapping my
hand; ‘as to sit there; telling such stories? I’ll make Jip bite you!’
Her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me;
but it was necessary to be explicit; and I solemnly repeated:
‘Dora; my own life; I am your ruined David!’
‘I declare I’ll make Jip bite you!’ said Dora; shaking her curls; ‘if
you are so ridiculous。’
But I looked so serious; that Dora left off shaking her curls; and
laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder; and first looked
scared and anxious; then began to cry。 That was dreadful。 I fell
upon my knees before the sofa; caressing her; and imploring her
not to rend my heart; but; for some time; poor little Dora did
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nothing but exclaim Oh dear! Oh dear! And oh; she was so
frightened! And where was Julia Mills! And oh; take her to Julia
Mills; and go away; please! until I was almost beside myself。
At last; after an agony of supplication and protestation; I got
Dora to look at me; with a horrified expression of face; which I
gradually soothed until it was only loving; and her soft; pretty
cheek was lying against mine。 Then I told her; with my arms
clasped round her; how I loved her; so dearly; and so dearly; how I
felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement; because
now I was poor; how I never could bear it; or recover it; if I lost
her; how I had no fears of poverty; if she had none; my arm being
nerved and my heart inspired by her; how I was already working
with a courage such as none but lovers knew; how I had begun to
be practical; and look into the future; how a crust well earned was
sweeter far than a feast inherited; and much more to the same
purpose; which I delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence
quite surprising to myself; though I had been thinking about it;
day and night; ever since my aunt had astonished me。
‘Is your heart mine still; dear Dora?’ said I; rapturously; for I
knew by her clinging to me that it was。
‘Oh; yes!’ cried Dora。 ‘Oh; yes; it’s all yours。 Oh; don’t be
dreadful!’
I dreadful! To Dora!
‘Don’t talk about being poor; and working hard!’ said Dora;
nestling closer to me。 ‘Oh; don’t; don’t!’
‘My dearest love;’ said I; ‘the crust well…earned—’
‘Oh; yes; but I don’t want to hear any more about crusts!’ said
Dora。 ‘And Jip must have a mutton…chop every day at twelve; or
he’ll die。’
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I was charmed with her childish; winning way。 I fondly
explained to Dora that Jip should have his mutton…chop with his
accustomed regularity。 I drew a picture of our frugal home; made
independent by my labour—sketching in the little house I had
seen at Highgate; and my aunt in her room upstairs。
‘I am not dreadful now; Dora?’ said I; tenderly。
‘Oh; no; no!’ cried Dora。 ‘But I hope your aunt will keep in her
own room a good deal。 And I hope she’s not a scolding old thing!’
If it were possible for me to love Dora more than ever; I am sure
I did。 But I felt she was a little impracticable。 It damped my newborn ardour; to find that ardour so difficult of communication to
her。 I made another trial。 When she was quite herself again; and
was curling Jip’s ears; as he lay upon her lap; I became grave; and
said:
‘My own! May I mention something?’
‘Oh; please don’t be practical!’ said Dora; coaxingly。 ‘Because it
frightens me so!’
‘Sweetheart!’ I returned; ‘there is nothing to alarm you in all
this。 I want you to think of it quite differently。 I want to make it
nerve you; and inspire you; Dora!’
‘Oh; but that’s so shocking!’ cried Dora。
‘My love; no。 Perseverance and strength of character will
enable us to bear much worse things。’
‘But I haven’t got any strength at all;’ said Dora; shaking her
curls。 ‘Have I; Jip? Oh; do kiss Jip; and be agreeable!’
It was impossible to resist kissing Jip; when she held him up to
me for that purpose; putting her own bright; rosy little mouth into
kissing form; as she directed the operation; which she insisted
should be performed symmetrically; on the centre of his nose。 I
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did as she bade me—rewarding myself afterwards for my
obedience—and she charmed me out of my graver character for I
don’t know how long。
‘But; Dora; my beloved!’ said I; at last resuming it; ‘I was going
to mention something。’
The judge of the Prerogative Court might have fallen in love
with her; to see her fold her little hands and hold them up; begging
and praying me not to be dreadful any more。
‘Indeed I am not going to be; my darling!’ I assured her。 ‘But;
Dora; my love; if you will sometimes think;—not despondingly; you
know; far from that!—but if you will sometimes think—just to
encourage yourself—that you are engaged to a poor man—’
‘Don’t; don’t! Pray don’t!’ cried Dora。 ‘It’s so very dreadful!’
‘My soul; not at all!’ said I; cheerfully。 ‘If you will sometimes
think of that; and look about now and then at your papa’s
housekeeping; and endeavour to acquire a little habit—of
accounts; for instance—’
Poor little Dora received this suggestion with something that
was half a sob and half a scream。
‘—It would be so useful to us afterwards;’ I went on。 ‘And if you
would promise me to read a little—a little Cookery Book that I
would send you; it would be so excellent for both of us。 For our
path in life; my Dora;’ said I; warming with the subject; ‘is stony
and rugged now; and it rests with us to smooth it。 We must fight
our way onward。 We must be brave。 There are obstacles to be met;
and we must meet; and crush them!’
I was going on at a great rate; with a clenched hand; and a most
enthusiastic countenance; but it was quite unnecessary to
proceed。 I had said enough。 I had done it again。 Oh; she was so
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frightened! Oh; where was Julia Mills! Oh; take her to Julia Mills;
and go away; please! So that; in short; I was quite distracted; and
raved about the drawing…room。
I thought I had killed her; this time。 I sprinkled water on her
face。 I went down on my knees。 I plucked at my hair。 I denounced
myself as a remorseless brute and a ruthless beast。 I implored her
forgiveness。 I besought her to look up。 I ravaged Miss Mills’s workbox for a smelling…bottle; and in my agony of mind applied an
ivory needle…case instead; and dropped all the needles over Dora。 I
shook my fists at Jip; who was as frantic as myself。 I did every wild
extravagance that could be done; and was a long way beyond the
end of my wits when Miss Mills came into the room。
‘Who has done this?’ exclaimed Miss Mills; succouring her
friend。
I replied; ‘I; Miss Mills! I have done it! Behold the destroyer!’—
or words to that effect—and hid my face from the light; in the sofa
cushion。
At first Miss Mills thought it was a quarrel; and that we were
verging on the Desert of Sahara; but she soon found out how
matters stood; for my dear affectionate little Dora; embracing her;
began exclaiming that I was ‘a poor labourer’; and then cried for
me; and embraced me; and asked me would I let her give me all
her money to keep; and then fell on Miss Mills’s neck; sobbing as if
her tender heart were broken。
Miss Mills must have been born to be a blessing to us。 She
ascertained from me in a few words what it was all about;
comforted Dora; and gradually convinced her that I was not a
labourer—from my manner of stating the case I believe Dora
concluded that I was a navigator; and went balancing myself up
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and down a plank all day with a wheelbarrow—and so brought us
together in peace。 When we were quite composed; and Dora had
gone up…stairs to put some rose…water to her eyes; Miss Mills rang
for tea。 In the ensuing interval; I told Miss Mills that she was
evermore my friend; and that my heart must cease to vibrate ere I
could forget her sympathy。
I then expounded to Miss Mills what I had endeavoured; so very
unsuccessfully; to expound to Dora。 Miss Mills replied; on general
principles; that the Cottage of content was better