第 96 节
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不受约束 更新:2021-05-04 17:23 字数:9251
him; ‘Neverberrer。’
A man; sitting in a pigeon…hole…place; looked out of the fog; and
took money from somebody; inquiring if I was one of the
gentlemen paid for; and appearing rather doubtful (as I remember
in the glimpse I had of him) whether to take the money for me or
not。 Shortly afterwards; we were very high up in a very hot
theatre; looking down into a large pit; that seemed to me to smoke;
the people with whom it was crammed were so indistinct。 There
was a great stage; too; looking very clean and smooth after the
streets; and there were people upon it; talking about something or
other; but not at all intelligibly。 There was an abundance of bright
lights; and there was music; and there were ladies down in the
boxes; and I don’t know what more。 The whole building looked to
me as if it were learning to swim; it conducted itself in such an
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unaccountable manner; when I tried to steady it。
On somebody’s motion; we resolved to go downstairs to the
dress…boxes; where the ladies were。 A gentleman lounging; full
dressed; on a sofa; with an opera…glass in his hand; passed before
my view; and also my own figure at full length in a glass。 Then I
was being ushered into one of these boxes; and found myself
saying something as I sat down; and people about me crying
‘Silence!’ to somebody; and ladies casting indignant glances at me;
and—what! yes!—Agnes; sitting on the seat before me; in the same
box; with a lady and gentleman beside her; whom I didn’t know。 I
see her face now; better than I did then; I dare say; with its
indelible look of regret and wonder turned upon me。
‘Agnes!’ I said; thickly; ‘Lorblessmer! Agnes!’
‘Hush! Pray!’ she answered; I could not conceive why。 ‘You
disturb the company。 Look at the stage!’
I tried; on her injunction; to fix it; and to hear something of
what was going on there; but quite in vain。 I looked at her again by
and by; and saw her shrink into her corner; and put her gloved
hand to her forehead。
‘Agnes!’ I said。 ‘I’mafraidyou’renorwell。’
‘Yes; yes。 Do not mind me; Trotwood;’ she returned。 ‘Listen!
Are you going away soon?’
‘Amigoarawaysoo?’ I repeated。
‘Yes。’
I had a stupid intention of replying that I was going to wait; to
hand her downstairs。 I suppose I expressed it; somehow; for after
she had looked at me attentively for a little while; she appeared to
understand; and replied in a low tone: ‘I know you will do as I ask
you; if I tell you I am very earnest in it。 Go away now; Trotwood;
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for my sake; and ask your friends to take you home。’
She had so far improved me; for the time; that though I was
angry with her; I felt ashamed; and with a short ‘Goori!’ (which I
intended for ‘Good night!’) got up and went away。 They followed;
and I stepped at once out of the box…door into my bedroom; where
only Steerforth was with me; helping me to undress; and where I
was by turns telling him that Agnes was my sister; and adjuring
him to bring the corkscrew; that I might open another bottle of
wine。
How somebody; lying in my bed; lay saying and doing all this
over again; at cross purposes; in a feverish dream all night—the
bed a rocking sea that was never still! How; as that somebody
slowly settled down into myself; did I begin to parch; and feel as if
my outer covering of skin were a hard board; my tongue the
bottom of an empty kettle; furred with long service; and burning
up over a slow fire; the palms of my hands; hot plates of metal
which no ice could cool!
But the agony of mind; the remorse; and shame I felt when I
became conscious next day! My horror of having committed a
thousand offences I had forgotten; and which nothing could ever
expiate—my recollection of that indelible look which Agnes had
given me—the torturing impossibility of communicating with her;
not knowing; Beast that I was; how she came to be in London; or
where she stayed—my disgust of the very sight of the room where
the revel had been held—my racking head—the smell of smoke;
the sight of glasses; the impossibility of going out; or even getting
up! Oh; what a day it was!
Oh; what an evening; when I sat down by my fire to a basin of
mutton broth; dimpled all over with fat; and thought I was going
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the way of my predecessor; and should succeed to his dismal story
as well as to his chambers; and had half a mind to rush express to
Dover and reveal all! What an evening; when Mrs。 Crupp; coming
in to take away the broth…basin; produced one kidney on a cheese…
plate as the entire remains of yesterday’s feast; and I was really
inclined to fall upon her nankeen breast and say; in heartfelt
penitence; ‘Oh; Mrs。 Crupp; Mrs。 Crupp; never mind the broken
meats! I am very miserable!’—only that I doubted; even at that
pass; if Mrs。 Crupp were quite the sort of woman to confide in!
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Chapter 25
GOOD AND BAD ANGELS
Iwas going out at my door on the morning after that
deplorable day of headache; sickness; and repentance; with
an odd confusion in my mind relative to the date of my
dinner…party; as if a body of Titans had taken an enormous lever
and pushed the day before yesterday some months back; when I
saw a ticket…porter coming upstairs; with a letter in his hand。 He
was taking his time about his errand; then; but when he saw me
on the top of the staircase; looking at him over the banisters; he
swung into a trot; and came up panting as if he had run himself
into a state of exhaustion。
‘T。 Copperfield; Esquire;’ said the ticket…porter; touching his hat
with his little cane。
I could scarcely lay claim to the name: I was so disturbed by the
conviction that the letter came from Agnes。 However; I told him I
was T。 Copperfield; Esquire; and he believed it; and gave me the
letter; which he said required an answer。 I shut him out on the
landing to wait for the answer; and went into my chambers again;
in such a nervous state that I was fain to lay the letter down on my
breakfast table; and familiarize myself with the outside of it a little;
before I could resolve to break the seal。
I found; when I did open it; that it was a very kind note;
containing no reference to my condition at the theatre。 All it said
was; ‘My dear Trotwood。 I am staying at the house of papa’s agent;
Mr。 Waterbrook; in Ely Place; Holborn。 Will you come and see me
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today; at any time you like to appoint? Ever yours affectionately;
AGNES。’
It took me such a long time to write an answer at all to my
satisfaction; that I don’t know what the ticket…porter can have
thought; unless he thought I was learning to write。 I must have
written half…a…dozen answers at least。 I began one; ‘How can I ever
hope; my dear Agnes; to efface from your remembrance the
disgusting impression’—there I didn’t like it; and then I tore it up。
I began another; ‘Shakespeare has observed; my dear Agnes; how
strange it is that a man should put an enemy into his mouth’—that
reminded me of Markham; and it got no farther。 I even tried
poetry。 I began one note; in a six…syllable line; ‘Oh; do not
remember’—but that associated itself with the fifth of November;
and became an absurdity。 After many attempts; I wrote; ‘My dear
Agnes。 Your letter is like you; and what could I say of it that would
be higher praise than that? I will come at four o’clock。
Affectionately and sorrowfully; T。C。’ With this missive (which I
was in twenty minds at once about recalling; as soon as it was out
of my hands); the ticket…porter at last departed。
If the day were half as tremendous to any other professional
gentleman in Doctors’ Commons as it was to me; I sincerely
believe he made some expiation for his share in that rotten old
ecclesiastical cheese。 Although I left the office at half past three;
and was prowling about the place of appointment within a few
minutes afterwards; the appointed time was exceeded by a full
quarter of an hour; according to the clock of St。 Andrew’s;
Holborn; before I could muster up sufficient desperation to pull
the private bell…handle let into the left…hand door…post of Mr。
Waterbrook’s house。
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The professional business of Mr。 Waterbrook’s establishment
was done on the ground…floor; and the genteel business (of which
there was a good deal) in the upper part of the building。 I was
shown into a pretty but rather close drawing…room; and there sat
Agnes; netting a purse。
She looked so quiet and good; and reminded me so strongly of
my airy fresh school days at Canterbury; and the sodden; smoky;
stupid wretch I had been the other night; that; nobody being by; I
yielded to my self…reproach and shame; and—in short; made a fool
of myself。 I cannot deny that I shed tears。