第 32 节
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不受约束 更新:2021-05-04 17:22 字数:9176
dropped it。
‘My dear Jane!’ cried my mother。
‘Good heavens; Clara; do you see?’ exclaimed Miss Murdstone。
‘See what; my dear Jane?’ said my mother; ‘where?’
‘He’s got it!’ cried Miss Murdstone。 ‘The boy has got the baby!’
She was limp with horror; but stiffened herself to make a dart
at me; and take it out of my arms。 Then; she turned faint; and was
so very ill that they were obliged to give her cherry brandy。 I was
solemnly interdicted by her; on her recovery; from touching my
brother any more on any pretence whatever; and my poor mother;
who; I could see; wished otherwise; meekly confirmed the
interdict; by saying: ‘No doubt you are right; my dear Jane。’
On another occasion; when we three were together; this same
dear baby—it was truly dear to me; for our mother’s sake—was the
innocent occasion of Miss Murdstone’s going into a passion。 My
mother; who had been looking at its eyes as it lay upon her lap;
said:
‘Davy! come here!’ and looked at mine。
I saw Miss Murdstone lay her beads down。
‘I declare;’ said my mother; gently; ‘they are exactly alike。 I
suppose they are mine。 I think they are the colour of mine。 But
they are wonderfully alike。’
‘What are you talking about; Clara?’ said Miss Murdstone。
‘My dear Jane;’ faltered my mother; a little abashed by the
harsh tone of this inquiry; ‘I find that the baby’s eyes and Davy’s
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are exactly alike。’
‘Clara!’ said Miss Murdstone; rising angrily; ‘you are a positive
fool sometimes。’
‘My dear Jane;’ remonstrated my mother。
‘A positive fool;’ said Miss Murdstone。 ‘Who else could compare
my brother’s baby with your boy? They are not at all alike。 They
are exactly unlike。 They are utterly dissimilar in all respects。 I
hope they will ever remain so。 I will not sit here; and hear such
comparisons made。’ With that she stalked out; and made the door
bang after her。
In short; I was not a favourite with Miss Murdstone。 In short; I
was not a favourite there with anybody; not even with myself; for
those who did like me could not show it; and those who did not;
showed it so plainly that I had a sensitive consciousness of always
appearing constrained; boorish; and dull。
I felt that I made them as uncomfortable as they made me。 If I
came into the room where they were; and they were talking
together and my mother seemed cheerful; an anxious cloud would
steal over her face from the moment of my entrance。 If Mr。
Murdstone were in his best humour; I checked him。 If Miss
Murdstone were in her worst; I intensified it。 I had perception
enough to know that my mother was the victim always; that she
was afraid to speak to me or to be kind to me; lest she should give
them some offence by her manner of doing so; and receive a
lecture afterwards; that she was not only ceaselessly afraid of her
own offending; but of my offending; and uneasily watched their
looks if I only moved。 Therefore I resolved to keep myself as much
out of their way as I could; and many a wintry hour did I hear the
church clock strike; when I was sitting in my cheerless bedroom;
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wrapped in my little great…coat; poring over a book。
In the evening; sometimes; I went and sat with Peggotty in the
kitchen。 There I was comfortable; and not afraid of being myself。
But neither of these resources was approved of in the parlour。 The
tormenting humour which was dominant there stopped them
both。 I was still held to be necessary to my poor mother’s training;
and; as one of her trials; could not be suffered to absent myself。
‘David;’ said Mr。 Murdstone; one day after dinner when I was
going to leave the room as usual; ‘I am sorry to observe that you
are of a sullen disposition。’
‘As sulky as a bear!’ said Miss Murdstone。
I stood still; and hung my head。
‘Now; David;’ said Mr。 Murdstone; ‘a sullen obdurate
disposition is; of all tempers; the worst。’
‘And the boy’s is; of all such dispositions that ever I have seen;’
remarked his sister; ‘the most confirmed and stubborn。 I think; my
dear Clara; even you must observe it?’
‘I beg your pardon; my dear Jane;’ said my mother; ‘but are you
quite sure—I am certain you’ll excuse me; my dear Jane—that you
understand Davy?’
‘I should be somewhat ashamed of myself; Clara;’ returned Miss
Murdstone; ‘if I could not understand the boy; or any boy。 I don’t
profess to be profound; but I do lay claim to common sense。’
‘No doubt; my dear Jane;’ returned my mother; ‘your
understanding is very vigorous—’
‘Oh dear; no! Pray don’t say that; Clara;’ interposed Miss
Murdstone; angrily。
‘But I am sure it is;’ resumed my mother; ‘and everybody knows
it is。 I profit so much by it myself; in many ways—at least I ought
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to—that no one can be more convinced of it than myself; and
therefore I speak with great diffidence; my dear Jane; I assure
you。’
‘We’ll say I don’t understand the boy; Clara;’ returned Miss
Murdstone; arranging the little fetters on her wrists。 ‘We’ll agree;
if you please; that I don’t understand him at all。 He is much too
deep for me。 But perhaps my brother’s penetration may enable
him to have some insight into his character。 And I believe my
brother was speaking on the subject when we—not very
decently—interrupted him。’
‘I think; Clara;’ said Mr。 Murdstone; in a low grave voice; ‘that
there may be better and more dispassionate judges of such a
question than you。’
‘Edward;’ replied my mother; timidly; ‘you are a far better judge
of all questions than I pretend to be。 Both you and Jane are。 I only
said—’
‘You only said something weak and inconsiderate;’ he replied。
‘Try not to do it again; my dear Clara; and keep a watch upon
yourself。’
My mother’s lips moved; as if she answered ‘Yes; my dear
Edward;’ but she said nothing aloud。
‘I was sorry; David; I remarked;’ said Mr。 Murdstone; turning
his head and his eyes stiffly towards me; ‘to observe that you are of
a sullen disposition。 This is not a character that I can suffer to
develop itself beneath my eyes without an effort at improvement。
You must endeavour; sir; to change it。 We must endeavour to
change it for you。’
‘I beg your pardon; sir;’ I faltered。 ‘I have never meant to be
sullen since I came back。’
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‘Don’t take refuge in a lie; sir!’ he returned so fiercely; that I
saw my mother involuntarily put out her trembling hand as if to
interpose between us。 ‘You have withdrawn yourself in your
sullenness to your own room。 You have kept your own room when
you ought to have been here。 You know now; once for all; that I
require you to be here; and not there。 Further; that I require you
to bring obedience here。 You know me; David。 I will have it done。’
Miss Murdstone gave a hoarse chuckle。
‘I will have a respectful; prompt; and ready bearing towards
myself;’ he continued; ‘and towards Jane Murdstone; and towards
your mother。 I will not have this room shunned as if it were
infected; at the pleasure of a child。 Sit down。’
He ordered me like a dog; and I obeyed like a dog。
‘One thing more;’ he said。 ‘I observe that you have an
attachment to low and common company。 You are not to associate
with servants。 The kitchen will not improve you; in the many
respects in which you need improvement。 Of the woman who
abets you; I say nothing—since you; Clara;’ addressing my mother
in a lower voice; ‘from old associations and long…established
fancies; have a weakness respecting her which is not yet
overcome。’
‘A most unaccountable delusion it is!’ cried Miss Murdstone。
‘I only say;’ he resumed; addressing me; ‘that I disapprove of
your preferring such company as Mistress Peggotty; and that it is
to be abandoned。 Now; David; you understand me; and you know
what will be the consequence if you fail to obey me to the letter。’
I knew well—better perhaps than he thought; as far as my poor
mother was concerned—and I obeyed him to the letter。 I retreated
to my own room no more; I took refuge with Peggotty no more;
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but sat wearily in the parlour day after day; looking forward to
night; and bedtime。
What irksome constraint I underwent; sitting in the same
attitude hours upon hours; afraid to move an arm or a leg lest Miss
Murdstone should complain (as she did on the least pretence) of
my restlessness; and afraid to move an eye lest she should light on
some look of dislike or scrutiny that would find new cause for
complaint in mine! What intolerable dulness to sit listening to the
ticking of the clock; and watching Miss Murdstone’s little shiny
steel beads as she strung them; and wondering whether she would
ever be married; and if so; to what sort of unhappy man; and
cou