The　University　of　Hard　Knocks
  by　Ralph　Parlette
  The　School　That　Completes　Our　Education
  〃He　that　overcometh　shall　inherit　all　things；　and　I　will　be　his　God；　and　he　shall　be　my　son〃Revelation　21：7。
  〃Sweet　are　the　uses　of　adversity；　Which；　like　the　toad；　ugly　and　venomous；　Wears　yet　a　precious　jewel　in　his　head；　And　thus　our　life；　exempt　from　public　haunt；　Finds　tongues　in　trees；　books　in　running　brooks　Sermons　in　stones；　and　good　in　everything。〃
  Shakespeare
  Why　It　Is　Printed
  MORE　than　a　million　people　have　sat　in　audiences　in　all　parts　of　the　United　States　and　have　listened　to　〃The　University　of　Hard　Knocks。〃　It　has　been　delivered　to　date　more　than　twenty…five　hundred　times　upon　lyceum　courses；　at　chautauquas；　teachers'　institutes；　club　gatherings；　conventions　and　before　various　other　kinds　of　audiences。　Ralph　Parlette　is　kept　busy　year　after　year　lecturing；　because　his　lectures　deal　with　universal　human　experience。
  〃Can　I　get　the　lecture　in　book　form？〃　That　continuous　question　from　audiences　brought　out　this　book　in　response。　Here　is　the　overflow　of　many　deliveries。
  〃What　is　written　here　is　not　the　way　I　would　write　it；　were　I　writing　a　book；〃　says　Ralph　Parlette。　〃It　is　the　way　I　say　it。　The　lecture　took　this　unconscious　colloquial　form　before　audiences。　An　audience　makes　a　lecture；　if　the　lecture　survives。　I　wish　I　could　shake　the　hand　of　every　person　who　has　sat　in　my　audiences。　And　I　wish　I　could　tell　the　lecture　committees　of　America　how　I　appreciate　the　vast　amount　of　altruistic　work　they　have　done　in　bringing　the　audiences　of　America　together。　For　lecture　audiences　are　not　drawn　together；　they　are　pushed　together。〃
  The　warm　reception　given　〃The　University　of　Hard　Knocks〃　by　the　public；　has　encouraged　the　publishers　to　put　more　of　Mr。　Parlette's　lectures　into　book　form；　〃Big　Business〃　and　〃Pockets　and　Paradises〃　are　now　in　preparation　as　this；　the　third　edition　of　〃The　University　of　Hard　Knocks〃　comes　from　the　press。
  Contents
  SOME　PRELIMINARY　REMARKSThe　lecturer　the　delivery　wagonThe　sorghum　barrelAudience　must　have　place　to　put　lectureWhy　so　many　words
  The　University　of　Hard　Knocks
  I。　THE　BOOKS　ARE　BUMPSEvery　bump　a　lessonWhy　the　two　kinds　of　bumpsDescription　of　University〃Sweet　are　the　uses　of　Adversity〃Why　children　are　not　interested
  II。　THE　COLLEGE　OF　NEEDLESS　KNOCKS；　the　bumps　that　we　bump　intoGetting　the　coffee…potTeaching　a　wilful　childBumps　make　us　〃stop；　look；　listen〃Blind　man　learns　with　one　bumpGoing　up　requires　effortProdigals　must　be　bumpedThe　fly　and　the　sticky　fly…paper〃Removed〃　and　〃knocked　out〃
  III。　　THE　COLLEGE　OF　NEEDFUL　KNOCKS；　the　bumps　that　bump　into　usOur　sorrows　and　disappointmentsHow　the　piano　was　madeHow　the　〃red　mud〃　becomes　razor…bladesThe　world　our　mirrorThe　cripple　taught　by　the　bumpsEvery　bump　brings　a　blessingYou　are　never　down　and　out
  IV。　〃SHAKE　THE　BARREL〃How　we　decide　our　destiniesWhy　the　big　ones　shake　up　and　the　little　ones　shake　downThe　barrel　of　life　sorting　peopleHow　we　hold　our　places；　go　down；　go　upGood　luck　and　bad　luckThe　girl　who　went　upThe　man　who　went　downThe　fatal　rattleWe　must　get　ready　to　getTestimonials　and　press　noticesYou　cannot　uplift　people　with　derrickNo　laws　can　equalizeHelp　people　to　help　themselvesWe　cannot　get　things　till　we　get　ready　for　them
  V。　GOING　UPHow　we　become　greatWe　must　get　inside　greatness　There　is　no　topWe　make　ourselves　great　by　servicethe　first　step　at　handAll　can　be　greatestWhere　to　find　great　peopleA　glimpse　of　Gunsaulus
  VI。　THE　PROBLEM　OF　〃PREPAREDNESS〃Preparing　children　for　lifeMost　〃advantages〃　are　disadvantagesBuying　education　for　childrenThe　story　of　〃Gussie〃　and　〃Bill　Whackem〃Schools　and　books　only　give　better　tools　for　service〃Hard　knocks〃　graduates　Menace　of　America　not　swollen　fortunes　but　shrunken　souls　Children　must　have　struggle　to　get　strengthNot　packhorse　work　Helping　the　turkeys　killed　themthe　happiness　of　work　we　love　Amusement　drunkardsLure　of　the　cityStrong　men　from　the　country　Must　save　the　home　townsA　school　of　struggleNew　School　experiment
  VII。　THE　SALVATION　OF　A　〃SUCKER〃You　can't　get　something　for　nothingThe　fiddle　and　the　tuningHow　we　know　thingsTrimmed　at　the　shell　gameMy　〃fool　drawer〃Getting　〃selected　to　receive　1；000　per　cent〃You　must　earn　what　you　ownCommencement　orationsMy　maiden　sermonThe　books　that　live　have　been　livedSinger　must　live　songsSuccessful　songs　written　from　experienceTheory　and　practiceTuning　the　strings　of　life
  VIII。　LOOKING　BACKWARDMemories　of　the　price　we　payMy　first　school　teachingLoaning　the　deacon　my　moneyCalling　the　roll　of　my　schoolmatesAt　the　grave　of　the　boy　I　had　enviedWhy　Ben　Hur　won　the　chariot　racePulling　on　the　oar
  IX。　GO　ON　SOUTH！The　book　in　the　running　brookThe　Mississippi　keeps　on　going　south　and　growing　greaterWe　generally　start　well；　but　stopFew　go　on　southThe　plague　of　incompetentsToday　our　best　day；　tomorrow　to　be　betterBirthdays　are　promotionsI　am　just　beginningBernhardt；　Davis；　EdisonMoses　begins　at　eightyToo　busy　to　burySympathy　for　the　〃sob　squad〃Child　sees　worst　days；　not　bestWaiting　for　the　second　tableBetter　days　on　southOvercoming　obstacles　develops　powerGo　on　south　from　principle；　not　praiseDoing　duty　for　the　joy　of　itBecoming　the　〃Father　of　Waters〃Go　on　south　forever！
  X。　GOING　UP　LIFE'S　MOUNTAINThe　defeats　that　are　victories　Climbing　Mount　LoweGetting　above　the　clouds　into　the　sunshine　Each　day　we　rise　to　larger　visionGetting　above　the　night　into　the　eternal　dayGoing　south　is　going　upward
  Some　Preliminary　Remarks
  LADIES　and　Gentlemen：　I　do　not　want　to　be　seen　in　this　lecture。　I　want　to　be　heard。　I　am　only　the　delivery　wagon。　When　the　delivery　wagon　comes　to　your　house；　you　are　not　much　interested　in　how　it　looks；　you　are　interested　in　the　goods　it　brings　you。　You　know　some　very　good　goods　are　sometimes　delivered　to　you　in　some　very　poor　delivery　wagons。
  So　in　this　lecture；　please　do　not　pay　any　attention　to　the　delivery　wagonhow　much　it　squeaks　and　wheezes　and　rattles　and　wabbles。　Do　not　pay　much　attention　to　the　wrappings　and　strings。　Get　inside　to　the　goods。
  Really；　I　believe　the　goods　are　good。　I　believe　I　am　to　recite　to　you　some　of　the　multiplication　table　of　lifenot　mine；　not　yours　alone；　but　everybody's。
  Can　Only　Pull　the　Plug！
  Every　audience　has　a　different　temperature；　and　that　makes　a　lecture　go　differently　before　every　audience。　The　kind　of　an　audience　is　just　as　important　as　the　kind　of　a　lecture。　A　cold　audience　will　make　a　good　lecture　poor；　while　a　warm　audience　will　make　a　poor　lecture　good。
  Let　me　illustrate：
  When　I　was　a　boy　we　had　a　barrel　of　sorghum　in　the　woodshed。　When　mother　wanted　to　make　ginger…bread　or　cookies；　she　would　send　me　to　the　woodshed　to　get　a　bucket　of　sorghum　from　that　barrel。
  Some　warm　September　day　I　would　pull　the　plug　from　the　barrel　and　the　sorghum　would　fairly　squirt　into　my　bucket。　Later　in　the　fall　when　it　was　colder；　I　would　pull　the　plug　but　the　sorghum　would　not　squirt。　It　would　come　out　slowly　and　reluctantly；　so　that　I　would　have　to　wait　a　long　while　to　get　a　little　sorghum。　And　on　some　real　cold　winter　day　I　would　pull　the　plug；　but　the　sorghum　would　not　run　at　all。　It　would　just　look　out　at　me。
  I　discovered　it　was　the　temperature。
  I　have　brought　a　barrel　of　sorghum　to　this　audience。　The　name　of　the　sorghum　is　〃The　University　of　Hard　Knocks。〃　I　can　only　pull　the　plug。　I　cannot　make　it　run。　That　will　depend　upon　the　temperature　of　this　audience。　You　can　have　all　you　want　of　it；　but　to　get　it　to　running　freely；　you　will　have　to　warm　up。
  Did　You　Bring　a　Bucket？
  No　matter　how　the　sorghum　runs；　you　have　to　have　a　bucket　to　get　it。　How　much　any　one　gets　out　of　a　lecture　depends　also　upon　the　size　of　the　bucket　he　brings　to　get　it　in。　A　big　bucket　can　get　filled　at　a　very　small　stream。　A　little　bucket　gets　little　at　the　greatest　stream。　With　no　bucket　you　can　get　nothing　at　Niagara。
  That　often　explains　why　one　person　says　a　lecture　is　great；　while　the　next　person　says　he　got　nothing　out　of　it。
  What　It's　All　About
  Here　is　a　great　mass　of　words　and　sentences　and　pictures　to　express　two　or　three　simple　little　ideas　of　life；　that　our　education　is　our　growing　up　from　the　Finite　to　the　Infinite；　and　that　it　is　done　by　our　own　personal　overcoming；　and　that　we　never　finish　it。
  Have　you　noticed　that　no　sentence；　nor　a　million　sentences；　can　bound　life？　Have　you　noticed　that　every　statement　does　not　quite　cover　it？　No　statement；　no　library；　can　tell　all　about　life。　No　success　rule　can　alone　solve　the　problem。　You　must　average　it　all　and　struggle　up　to　a　higher　vision。
  We　are　told　that　the　stomach　needs　bulk　as　well　as　nutriment。　It　would　not　prosper　with　the　necessary　elements　in　their　condensed　form。　So　abstract　truths　in　their　lowest　terms　do　not　always　promote　mental　digestion　like　more　bulk　in　the　way　of　pictures　and　discussions　of　these　truths。　Here　is　bulk　as　well　as　nutriment。
  If　you　get　the　feeling　that　the　first　personal　pronoun　is　being　overworked；　I　remind　you　that　this　is　more　a　confession　than　a　lecture。　You　cannot　confess　without　referring　to　the　confesser。
  To　Everybody　in　My　Audience
  I　like　you　because　I　am　like　you。
  I　believe　in　you　because　I　believe