第 44 节
作者:
小秋 更新:2021-03-11 17:56 字数:9322
I gave his letters the kiss that bade him good…by。 That was the
time; I think; when my poor bruised heart got used to the pain; I
began to feel that there was one consolation still left for meI
might end in forgiving him。 Why do I tell you all this? I think
you must have bewitched me。 Is this really the first time I have
seen you?〃
She put her little trembling hand into mine; I lifted it to my
lips; and kissed it。 Sorely was I tempted to own that I had
pitied and loved her in her infancy。 It was almost on my lips to
say: 〃I remember you an easily…pleased little creature; amusing
yourself with the broken toys which were once the playthings of
my own children。〃 I believe I should have said it; if I could
have trusted myself to speak composedly to her。 This was not to
be done。 Old as I was; versed as I was in the hard knowledge of
how to keep the mask on in the hour of need; this was not to be
done。
Still trying to understand that I was little better than a
stranger to her; and still bent on finding the secret of the
sympathy that united us; Eunice put a strange question to me。
〃When you were young yourself;〃 she said; 〃did you know what it
was to love; and to be lovedand then to lose it all?〃
It is not given to many men to marry the woman who has been the
object of their first love。 My early life had been darkened by a
sad story; never confided to any living creature; banished
resolutely from my own thoughts。 For forty years past; that part
of my buried self had lain quiet in its graveand the chance
touch of an innocent hand had raised the dead; and set us face to
face again! Did I know what it was to love; and to be loved; and
then to lose it all? 〃Too well; my child; too well!〃
That was all I could say to her。 In the last days of my life; I
shrank from speaking of it。 When I had first felt that calamity;
and had felt it most keenly; I might have given an answer
worthier of me; and worthier of her。
She dropped my hand; and sat by me in silence; thinking。 Had
Iwithout meaning it; God knows!had I disappointed her?
〃Did you expect me to tell my own sad story;〃 I said; 〃as frankly
and as trustfully as you have told yours?〃
〃Oh; don't think that! I know what an effort it was to you to
answer me at all。 Yes; indeed! I wonder whether I may ask
something。 The sorrow you have just told me of is not the only
oneis it? You have had other troubles?〃
〃Many of them。〃
〃There are times;〃 she went on; 〃when one can't help thinking of
one's own miserable self。 I try to be cheerful; but those times
come now and then。〃
She stopped; and looked at me with a pale fear confessing itself
in her face。
〃You know who Selina is?〃 she resumed。 〃My friend! The only
friend I had; till you came here。〃
I guessed that she was speaking of the quaint; kindly little
woman; whose ugly surname had been hitherto the only name known
to me。
〃Selina has; I daresay; told you that I have been ill;〃 she
continued; 〃and that I am staying in the country for the benefit
of my health。〃
It was plain that she had something to say to me; far more
important than this; and that she was dwelling on trifles to gain
time and courage。 Hoping to help her; I dwelt on trifles; too;
asking commonplace questions about the part of the country in
which she was staying。 She answered absentlythen; little by
little; impatiently。 The one poor proof of kindness that I could
offer; now; was to say no more。
〃Do you know what a strange creature I am?〃 she broke out。 〃Shall
I make you angry with me? or shall I make you laugh at me? What I
have shrunk from confessing to Selinawhat I dare not confess to
my fatherI must; and will; confess to You。〃
There was a look of horror in her face that alarmed me。 I drew
her to me so that she could rest her head on my shoulder。 My own
agitation threatened to get the better of me。 For the first time
since I had seen this sweet girl; I found myself thinking of the
blood that ran in her veins; and of the nature of the mother who
had borne her。
〃Did you notice how I behaved upstairs?〃 she said。 〃I mean when
we left my father; and came out on the lauding。〃
It was easily recollected; I begged her to go on。
〃Before I went downstairs;〃 she proceeded; 〃you saw me look and
listen。 Did you think I was afraid of meeting some person? and
did you guess who it was I wanted to avoid?〃
〃I guessed thatand I understood you。〃
〃No! You are not wicked enough to understand me。 Will you do me a
favor? I want you to lo ok at me。〃
It was said seriously。 She lifted her head for a moment; so that
I could examine her face。
〃Do you see anything;〃 she asked; 〃which makes you fear that I am
not in my right mind?〃
〃Good God! how can you ask such a horrible question?
She laid her head back on my shoulder with a sad little sigh of
resignation。 〃I ought to have known better;〃 she said; 〃there is
no such easy way out of it as that。 Tell meis there one kind of
wickedness more deceitful than another? Can it be hid in a person
for years together; and show itself when a time of sufferingno;
I mean when a sense of injury comes? Did you ever see that; when
you were master in the prison?〃
I had seen itand; after a moment's doubt; I said I had seen it。
〃Did you pity those poor wretches?〃
〃Certainly! They deserved pity。〃
〃I am one of them!〃 she said。 〃Pity _me。_ If Helena looks at
meif Helena speaks to meif I only see Helena by accidentdo
you know what she does? She tempts me! Tempts me to do dreadful
things! Tempts me〃 The poor child threw her arms round my neck;
and whispered the next fatal words in my ear。
The mother! Prepared as I was for the accursed discovery; the
horror of it shook me。
She left me; and started to her feet。 The inherited energy showed
itself in furious protest against the inherited evil。 〃What does
it mean?〃 she cried。 〃I'll submit to anything。 I'll bear my hard
lot patiently; if you will only tell me what it means。 Where does
this horrid transformation of me out of myself come from? Look at
my good father。 In all this world there is no man so perfect as
he is。 And oh; how he has taught me! there isn't a single good
thing that I have not learned from him since I was a little
child。 Did you ever hear him speak of my mother? You must have
heard him。 My mother was an angel。 I could never be worthy of her
at my bestbut I have tried! I have tried! The wickedest girl in
the world doesn't have worse thoughts than the thoughts that have
come to me。 Since when? Since Helenaoh; how can I call her by
her name as if I still loved her? Since my sistercan she be my
sister; I ask myself sometimes! Since my enemythere's the word
for hersince my enemy took Philip away from me。 What does it
mean? I have asked in my prayersand have got no answer。 I ask
you。 What does it mean? You must tell me! You shall tell me! What
does it mean?〃
Why did I not try to calm her? I had vainly tried to calm herI
who knew who her mother was; and what her mother had been。
At last; she had forced the sense of my duty on me。 The simplest
way of calming her was to put her back in the place by my side
that she had left。 It was useless to reason with her; it was
impossible to answer her。 I had my own idea of the one way in
which I might charm Eunice back to her sweeter self。
〃Let us talk of Philip;〃 I said。
The fierce flush on her face softened; the swelling trouble of
her bosom began to subside; as that dearly…loved name passed my
lips! But there was some influence left in her which resisted me。
〃No;〃 she said; 〃we had better not talk of him。〃
〃Why not?〃
〃I have lost all my courage。 If you speak of Philip; you will
make me cry。〃
I drew her nearer to me。 If she had been my own child; I don't
think I could have felt for her more truly than I felt at that
moment。 I only looked at her; I only said:
〃Cry!〃
The love that was in her heart rose; and poured its tenderness
into her eyes。 I had longed to see the tears that would comfort
her。 The tears came。
There was silence between us for a while。 It was possible for me
to think。
In the absence of physical resemblance between parent and child;
is an unfavorable influence exercised on the tendency to moral
resemblance? Assuming the possibility of such a result as this;
Eunice (entirely unlike her mother) must; as I concluded; have
been possessed of qualities formed to resist; as well as of
qualities doomed to undergo; the infection of evil。 While;
therefore; I resigned myself to recognize the existence of the
hereditary maternal taint; I firmly believed in the
counterbalancing influences for good which had been part of the
girl's birthright。 They had been derived; perhaps; from the
better qualities in her father's nature; they had been certainly
developed by the tender care; the religious vigilance; which had
guarded the adopted child so lovingly in the Minister's
household; and they had served their purpose until time brought
with it the change; for which the tranquil domestic influences
were not prepared。 With the great; the vital transformation;
which marks the ripening of the girl into the woman's maturity of
thought and passion; a new power for Good; str