There　is　another　class　of　birthdays　at　which　I　have　so　frequently
  assisted；　that　I　may　assume　such　birthdays　to　be　pretty　well　known
  to　the　human　race。　　My　friend　Mayday's　birthday　is　an　example。　　The
  guests　have　no　knowledge　of　one　another　except　on　that　one　day　in
  the　year；　and　are　annually　terrified　for　a　week　by　the　prospect　of
  meeting　one　another　again。　　There　is　a　fiction　among　us　that　we
  have　uncommon　reasons　for　being　particularly　lively　and　spirited　on
  the　occasion；　whereas　deep　despondency　is　no　phrase　for　the
  expression　of　our　feelings。　　But　the　wonderful　feature　of　the　case
  is；　that　we　are　in　tacit　accordance　to　avoid　the　subject　…　to　keep
  it　as　far　off　as　possible；　as　long　as　possible　…　and　to　talk　about
  anything　else；　rather　than　the　joyful　event。　　I　may　even　go　so　far
  as　to　assert　that　there　is　a　dumb　compact　among　us　that　we　will
  pretend　that　it　is　NOT　Mayday's　birthday。　　A　mysterious　and　gloomy
  Being；　who　is　said　to　have　gone　to　school　with　Mayday；　and　who　is
  so　lank　and　lean　that　he　seriously　impugns　the　Dietary　of　the
  establishment　at　which　they　were　jointly　educated；　always　leads　us；
  as　I　may　say；　to　the　block；　by　laying　his　grisly　hand　on　a　decanter
  and　begging　us　to　fill　our　glasses。　　The　devices　and　pretences　that
  I　have　seen　put　in　practice　to　defer　the　fatal　moment；　and　to
  interpose　between　this　man　and　his　purpose；　are　innumerable。　　I
  have　known　desperate　guests；　when　they　saw　the　grisly　hand
  approaching　the　decanter；　wildly　to　begin；　without　any　antecedent
  whatsoever；　'That　reminds　me　…　'　and　to　plunge　into　long　stories。
  When　at　last　the　hand　and　the　decanter　come　together；　a　shudder；　a
  palpable　perceptible　shudder；　goes　round　the　table。　　We　receive　the
  reminder　that　it　is　Mayday's　birthday；　as　if　it　were　the
  anniversary　of　some　profound　disgrace　he　had　undergone；　and　we
  sought　to　comfort　him。　　And　when　we　have　drunk　Mayday's　health；　and
  wished　him　many　happy　returns；　we　are　seized　for　some　moments　with
  a　ghastly　blitheness；　an　unnatural　levity；　as　if　we　were　in　the
  first　flushed　reaction　of　having　undergone　a　surgical　operation。
  Birthdays　of　this　species　have　a　public　as　well　as　a　private　phase。
  My　'boyhood's　home；'　Dullborough；　presents　a　case　in　point。　　An
  Immortal　Somebody　was　wanted　in　Dullborough；　to　dimple　for　a　day
  the　stagnant　face　of　the　waters；　he　was　rather　wanted　by
  Dullborough　generally；　and　much　wanted　by　the　principal　hotel…
  keeper。　　The　County　history　was　looked　up　for　a　locally　Immortal
  Somebody；　but　the　registered　Dullborough　worthies　were　all
  Nobodies。　　In　this　state　of　things；　it　is　hardly　necessary　to
  record　that　Dullborough　did　what　every　man　does　when　he　wants　to
  write　a　book　or　deliver　a　lecture；　and　is　provided　with　all　the
  materials　except　a　subject。　　It　fell　back　upon　Shakespeare。
  No　sooner　was　it　resolved　to　celebrate　Shakespeare's　birthday　in
  Dullborough；　than　the　popularity　of　the　immortal　bard　became
  surprising。　　You　might　have　supposed　the　first　edition　of　his　works
  to　have　been　published　last　week；　and　enthusiastic　Dullborough　to
  have　got　half　through　them。　　（I　doubt；　by　the　way；　whether　it　had
  ever　done　half　that；　but　that　is　a　private　opinion。）　　A　young
  gentleman　with　a　sonnet；　the　retention　of　which　for　two　years　had
  enfeebled　his　mind　and　undermined　his　knees；　got　the　sonnet　into
  the　Dullborough　Warden；　and　gained　flesh。　　Portraits　of　Shakespeare
  broke　out　in　the　bookshop　windows；　and　our　principal　artist　painted
  a　large　original　portrait　in　oils　for　the　decoration　of　the　dining…
  room。　　It　was　not　in　the　least　like　any　of　the　other　Portraits；　and
  was　exceedingly　admired；　the　head　being　much　swollen。　　At　the
  Institution；　the　Debating　Society　discussed　the　new　question；　Was
  there　sufficient　ground　for　supposing　that　the　Immortal　Shakespeare
  ever　stole　deer？　　This　was　indignantly　decided　by　an　overwhelming
  majority　in　the　negative；　indeed；　there　was　but　one　vote　on　the
  Poaching　side；　and　that　was　the　vote　of　the　orator　who　had
  undertaken　to　advocate　it；　and　who　became　quite　an　obnoxious
  character　…　particularly　to　the　Dullborough　'roughs；'　who　were
  about　as　well　informed　on　the　matter　as　most　other　people。
  Distinguished　speakers　were　invited　down；　and　very　nearly　came　（but
  not　quite）。　　Subscriptions　were　opened；　and　committees　sat；　and　it
  would　have　been　far　from　a　popular　measure　in　the　height　of　the
  excitement；　to　have　told　Dullborough　that　it　wasn't　Stratford…upon…
  Avon。　　Yet；　after　all　these　preparations；　when　the　great　festivity
  took　place；　and　the　portrait；　elevated　aloft；　surveyed　the　company
  as　if　it　were　in　danger　of　springing　a　mine　of　intellect　and
  blowing　itself　up；　it　did　undoubtedly　happen；　according　to　the
  inscrutable　mysteries　of　things；　that　nobody　could　be　induced；　not
  to　say　to　touch　upon　Shakespeare；　but　to　come　within　a　mile　of　him；
  until　the　crack　speaker　of　Dullborough　rose　to　propose　the　immortal
  memory。　　Which　he　did　with　the　perplexing　and　astonishing　result
  that　before　he　had　repeated　the　great　name　half…a…dozen　times；　or
  had　been　upon　his　legs　as　many　minutes；　he　was　assailed　with　a
  general　shout　of　'Question。'
  CHAPTER　XXI　…　THE　SHORT…TIMERS
  'Within　so　many　yards　of　this　Covent…garden　lodging　of　mine；　as
  within　so　many　yards　of　Westminster　Abbey；　Saint　Paul's　Cathedral；
  the　Houses　of　Parliament；　the　Prisons；　the　Courts　of　Justice；　all
  the　Institutions　that　govern　the　land；　I　can　find　…　MUST　find；
  whether　I　will　or　no　…　in　the　open　streets；　shameful　instances　of
  neglect　of　children；　intolerable　toleration　of　the　engenderment　of
  paupers；　idlers；　thieves；　races　of　wretched　and　destructive
  cripples　both　in　body　and　mind；　a　misery　to　themselves；　a　misery　to
  the　community；　a　disgrace　to　civilisation；　and　an　outrage　on
  Christianity。　…　I　know　it　to　be　a　fact　as　easy　of　demonstration　as
  any　sum　in　any　of　the　elementary　rules　of　arithmetic；　that　if　the
  State　would　begin　its　work　and　duty　at　the　beginning；　and　would
  with　the　strong　hand　take　those　children　out　of　the　streets；　while
  they　are　yet　children；　and　wisely　train　them；　it　would　make　them　a
  part　of　England's　glory；　not　its　shame　…　of　England's　strength；　not
  its　weakness　…　would　raise　good　soldiers　and　sailors；　and　good
  citizens；　and　many　great　men；　out　of　the　seeds　of　its　criminal
  population。　　Yet　I　go　on　bearing　with　the　enormity　as　if　it　were
  nothing；　and　I　go　on　reading　the　Parliamentary　Debates　as　if　they
  were　something；　and　I　concern　myself　far　more　about　one　railway…
  bridge　across　a　public　thoroughfare；　than　about　a　dozen　generations
  of　scrofula；　ignorance；　wickedness；　prostitution；　poverty；　and
  felony。　　I　can　slip　out　at　my　door；　in　the　small　hours　after　any
  midnight；　and；　in　one　circuit　of　the　purlieus　of　Covent…garden
  Market；　can　behold　a　state　of　infancy　and　youth；　as　vile　as　if　a
  Bourbon　sat　upon　the　English　throne；　a　great　police　force　looking
  on　with　authority　to　do　no　more　than　worry　and　hunt　the　dreadful
  vermin　into　corners；　and　there　leave　them。　　Within　the　length　of　a
  few　streets　I　can　find　a　workhouse；　mismanaged　with　that　dull
  short…sighted　obstinacy　that　its　greatest　opportunities　as　to　the
  children　it　receives　are　lost；　and　yet　not　a　farthing　saved　to　any
  one。　　But　the　wheel　goes　round；　and　round；　and　round；　and　because
  it　goes　round　…　so　I　am　told　by　the　politest　authorities　…　it　goes
  well。'
  Thus　I　reflected；　one　day　in　the　Whitsun　week　last　past；　as　I
  floated　down　the　Thames　among　the　bridges；　looking　…　not
  inappropriately　…　at　the　drags　that　were　hanging　up　at　certain
  dirty　stairs　to　hook　the　drowned　out；　and　at　the　numerous
  conveniences　provided　to　facilitate　their　tumbling　in。　　My　object
  in　that　uncommercial　journey　called　up　another　train　of　thought；
  and　it　ran　as　follows：
  'When　I　was　at　school；　one　of　seventy　boys；　I　wonder　by　what　secret
  understanding　our　attention　began　to　wander　when　we　had　pored　over
  our　books　for　some　hours。　　I　wonder　by　what　ingenuity　we　brought　on
  that　confused　state　of　mind　when　sense　became　nonsense；　when
  figures　wouldn't　work；　when　dead　languages　wouldn't　construe；　when
  live　languages　wouldn't　be　spoken；　when　memory　wouldn't　come；　when
  dulness　and　vacancy　wouldn't　go。　　I　cannot　remember　that　we　ever
  conspired　to　be　sleepy　after　dinner；　or　that　we　ever　particularly
  wanted　to　be　stupid；　and　to　have　flushed　faces　and　hot　beating
  heads；　or　to　find　blank　hopelessness　and　obscurity　this　afternoon
  in　what　would　become　perfectly　clear　and　bright　in　the　freshness　of
  to…morrow　morning。　　We　suffered　for　these　things；　and　they　made　us
  miserable　enough。　　Neither　do　I　remember　that　we　ever　bound
  ourselves　by　any　secret　oath　or　other　solemn　obligation；　to　find
  the　seats　getting　too　hard　to　be　sat　upon　after　a　certain　time；　or
  to　have　intolerable　twitches　in　our　legs；　rendering　us　aggressive
  and　malicious　with　those　members；　or　to　be　troubled　with　a　similar
  uneasiness　in　our　elbows；　attended　with　fistic　consequence