I　could　read　it　for　myself　…　and　that　I　was　going　to　be　knouted　by
  a　noble　personage　in　a　fur　cap；　boots；　and　earrings；　who；　I　think；
  must　have　come　out　of　some　melodrama。
  Commend　me　to　the　beautiful　waters　among　these　mountains！　　Though　I
  was　not　of　their　mind：　　they；　being　inveterately　bent　on　getting
  down　into　the　level　country；　and　I　ardently　desiring　to　linger
  where　I　was。　　What　desperate　leaps　they　took；　what　dark　abysses
  they　plunged　into；　what　rocks　they　wore　away；　what　echoes　they
  invoked！　　In　one　part　where　I　went；　they　were　pressed　into　the
  service　of　carrying　wood　down；　to　be　burnt　next　winter；　as　costly
  fuel；　in　Italy。　　But；　their　fierce　savage　nature　was　not　to　be
  easily　constrained；　and　they　fought　with　every　limb　of　the　wood；
  whirling　it　round　and　round；　stripping　its　bark　away；　dashing　it
  against　pointed　corners；　driving　it　out　of　the　course；　and　roaring
  and　flying　at　the　peasants　who　steered　it　back　again　from　the　bank
  with　long　stout　poles。　　Alas！　concurrent　streams　of　time　and　water
  carried　ME　down　fast；　and　I　came；　on　an　exquisitely　clear　day；　to
  the　Lausanne　shore　of　the　Lake　of　Geneva；　where　I　stood　looking　at
  the　bright　blue　water；　the　flushed　white　mountains　opposite；　and
  the　boats　at　my　feet　with　their　furled　Mediterranean　sails；　showing
  like　enormous　magnifications　of　this　goose…quill　pen　that　is　now　in
  my　hand。
  …　The　sky　became　overcast　without　any　notice；　a　wind　very　like　the
  March　east　wind　of　England；　blew　across　me；　and　a　voice　said；　'How
  do　you　like　it？　　Will　it　do？'
  I　had　merely　shut　myself；　for　half　a　minute；　in　a　German　travelling
  chariot　that　stood　for　sale　in　the　Carriage　Department　of　the
  London　Pantechnicon。　　I　had　a　commission　to　buy　it；　for　a　friend
  who　was　going　abroad；　and　the　look　and　manner　of　the　chariot；　as　I
  tried　the　cushions　and　the　springs；　brought　all　these　hints　of
  travelling　remembrance　before　me。
  'It　will　do　very　well；'　said　I；　rather　sorrowfully；　as　I　got　out　at
  the　other　door；　and　shut　the　carriage　up。
  CHAPTER　VIII　…　THE　GREAT　TASMANIA'S　CARGO
  I　travel　constantly；　up　and　down　a　certain　line　of　railway　that　has
  a　terminus　in　London。　　It　is　the　railway　for　a　large　military
  depot；　and　for　other　large　barracks。　　To　the　best　of　my　serious
  belief；　I　have　never　been　on　that　railway　by　daylight；　without
  seeing　some　handcuffed　deserters　in　the　train。
  It　is　in　the　nature　of　things　that　such　an　institution　as　our
  English　army　should　have　many　bad　and　troublesome　characters　in　it。
  But；　this　is　a　reason　for；　and　not　against；　its　being　made　as
  acceptable　as　possible　to　well…disposed　men　of　decent　behaviour。
  Such　men　are　assuredly　not　tempted　into　the　ranks；　by　the　beastly
  inversion　of　natural　laws；　and　the　compulsion　to　live　in　worse　than
  swinish　foulness。　　Accordingly；　when　any　such　Circumlocutional
  embellishments　of　the　soldier's　condition　have　of　late　been　brought
  to　notice；　we　civilians；　seated　in　outer　darkness　cheerfully
  meditating　on　an　Income　Tax；　have　considered　the　matter　as　being
  our　business；　and　have　shown　a　tendency　to　declare　that　we　would
  rather　not　have　it　misregulated；　if　such　declaration　may；　without
  violence　to　the　Church　Catechism；　be　hinted　to　those　who　are　put　in
  authority　over　us。
  Any　animated　description　of　a　modern　battle；　any　private　soldier's
  letter　published　in　the　newspapers；　any　page　of　the　records　of　the
  Victoria　Cross；　will　show　that　in　the　ranks　of　the　army；　there
  exists　under　all　disadvantages　as　fine　a　sense　of　duty　as　is　to　be
  found　in　any　station　on　earth。　　Who　doubts　that　if　we　all　did　our
  duty　as　faithfully　as　the　soldier　does　his；　this　world　would　be　a
  better　place？　　There　may　be　greater　difficulties　in　our　way　than　in
  the　soldier's。　　Not　disputed。　　But；　let　us　at　least　do　our　duty
  towards　HIM。
  I　had　got　back　again　to　that　rich　and　beautiful　port　where　I　had
  looked　after　Mercantile　Jack；　and　I　was　walking　up　a　hill　there；　on
  a　wild　March　morning。　　My　conversation　with　my　official　friend
  Pangloss；　by　whom　I　was　accidentally　accompanied；　took　this
  direction　as　we　took　the　up…hill　direction；　because　the　object　of
  my　uncommercial　journey　was　to　see　some　discharged　soldiers　who　had
  recently　come　home　from　India。　　There　were　men　of　HAVELOCK's　among
  them；　there　were　men　who　had　been　in　many　of　the　great　battles　of
  the　great　Indian　campaign；　among　them；　and　I　was　curious　to　note
  what　our　discharged　soldiers　looked　like；　when　they　were　done　with。
  I　was　not　the　less　interested　（as　I　mentioned　to　my　official　friend
  Pangloss）　because　these　men　had　claimed　to　be　discharged；　when
  their　right　to　be　discharged　was　not　admitted。　　They　had　behaved
  with　unblemished　fidelity　and　bravery；　but；　a　change　of
  circumstances　had　arisen；　which；　as　they　considered；　put　an　end　to
  their　compact　and　entitled　them　to　enter　on　a　new　one。　　Their
  demand　had　been　blunderingly　resisted　by　the　authorities　in　India：
  but；　it　is　to　be　presumed　that　the　men　were　not　far　wrong；　inasmuch
  as　the　bungle　had　ended　in　their　being　sent　home　discharged；　in
  pursuance　of　orders　from　home。　　（There　was　an　immense　waste　of
  money；　of　course。）
  Under　these　circumstances　…　thought　I；　as　I　walked　up　the　hill；　on
  which　I　accidentally　encountered　my　official　friend　…　under　these
  circumstances　of　the　men　having　successfully　opposed　themselves　to
  the　Pagoda　Department　of　that　great　Circumlocution　Office　on　which
  the　sun　never　sets　and　the　light　of　reason　never　rises；　the　Pagoda
  Department　will　have　been　particularly　careful　of　the　national
  honour。　　It　will　have　shown　these　men；　in　the　scrupulous　good
  faith；　not　to　say　the　generosity；　of　its　dealing　with　them；　that
  great　national　authorities　can　have　no　small　retaliations　and
  revenges。　　It　will　have　made　every　provision　for　their　health　on
  the　passage　home；　and　will　have　landed　them；　restored　from　their
  campaigning　fatigues　by　a　sea…voyage；　pure　air；　sound　food；　and
  good　medicines。　　And　I　pleased　myself　with　dwelling　beforehand；　on
  the　great　accounts　of　their　personal　treatment　which　these　men
  would　carry　into　their　various　towns　and　villages；　and　on　the
  increasing　popularity　of　the　service　that　would　insensibly　follow。
  I　almost　began　to　hope　that　the　hitherto…never…failing　deserters　on
  my　railroad　would　by…and…by　become　a　phenomenon。
  In　this　agreeable　frame　of　mind　I　entered　the　workhouse　of
  Liverpool。　…　For；　the　cultivation　of　laurels　in　a　sandy　soil；　had
  brought　the　soldiers　in　question　to　THAT　abode　of　Glory。
  Before　going　into　their　wards　to　visit　them；　I　inquired　how　they
  had　made　their　triumphant　entry　there？　　They　had　been　brought
  through　the　rain　in　carts　it　seemed；　from　the　landing…place　to　the
  gate；　and　had　then　been　carried　up…stairs　on　the　backs　of　paupers。
  Their　groans　and　pains　during　the　performance　of　this　glorious
  pageant；　had　been　so　distressing；　as　to　bring　tears　into　the　eyes
  of　spectators　but　too　well　accustomed　to　scenes　of　suffering。　　The
  men　were　so　dreadfully　cold；　that　those　who　could　get　near　the
  fires　were　hard　to　be　restrained　from　thrusting　their　feet　in　among
  the　blazing　coals。　　They　were　so　horribly　reduced；　that　they　were
  awful　to　look　upon。　　Racked　with　dysentery　and　blackened　with
  scurvy；　one　hundred　and　forty　wretched　soldiers　had　been　revived
  with　brandy　and　laid　in　bed。
  My　official　friend　Pangloss　is　lineally　descended　from　a　learned
  doctor　of　that　name；　who　was　once　tutor　to　Candide；　an　ingenious
  young　gentleman　of　some　celebrity。　　In　his　personal　character；　he
  is　as　humane　and　worthy　a　gentleman　as　any　I　know；　in　his　official
  capacity；　he　unfortunately　preaches　the　doctrines　of　his　renowned
  ancestor；　by　demonstrating　on　all　occasions　that　we　live　in　the
  best　of　all　possible　official　worlds。
  'In　the　name　of　Humanity；'　said　I；　'how　did　the　men　fall　into　this
  deplorable　state？　　Was　the　ship　well　found　in　stores？'
  'I　am　not　here　to　asseverate　that　I　know　the　fact；　of　my　own
  knowledge；'　answered　Pangloss；　'but　I　have　grounds　for　asserting
  that　the　stores　were　the　best　of　all　possible　stores。'
  A　medical　officer　laid　before　us；　a　handful　of　rotten　biscuit；　and
  a　handful　of　split　peas。　　The　biscuit　was　a　honeycombed　heap　of
  maggots；　and　the　excrement　of　maggots。　　The　peas　were　even　harder
  than　this　filth。　　A　similar　handful　had　been　experimentally　boiled
  six　hours；　and　had　shown　no　signs　of　softening。　　These　were　the
  stores　on　which　the　soldiers　had　been　fed。
  'The　beef　…　'　I　began；　when　Pangloss　cut　me　short。
  'Was　the　best　of　all　possible　beef；'　said　he。
  But；　behold；　there　was　laid　before　us　certain　evidence　given　at　the
  Coroner's　Inquest；　holden　on　some　of　the　men　（who　had　obstinately
  died　of　their　treatment）；　and　from　that　evidence　it　appeared　that
  the　beef　was　the　worst　of　possible　beef！
  'Then　I　lay　my　hand　upon　my　heart；　and　take　my　stand；'　said
  Pangloss；　'by　the　pork；　which　was　the　best　of　all　possible　pork。'