。　Every　moment　I　must　have　the　skill　to　snatch　out　of　that　vast　mass　of　material　what　is　most　important　and　necessary；　and；　as　rapidly　as　my　words　flow；　clothe　my　thought　in　a　form　in　which　it　can　be　grasped　by　the　monster's　intelligence；　and　may　arouse　its　attention；　and　at　the　same　time　one　must　keep　a　sharp　lookout　that　one's　thoughts　are　conveyed；　not　just　as　they　come；　but　in　a　certain　order；　essential　for　the　correct　composition　of　the　picture　I　wish　to　sketch。　Further；　I　endeavour　to　make　my　diction　literary；　my　definitions　brief　and　precise；　my　wording；　as　far　as　possible；　simple　and　eloquent。　Every　minute　I　have　to　pull　myself　up　and　remember　that　I　have　only　an　hour　and　forty　minutes　at　my　disposal。　In　short；　one　has　one's　work　cut　out。　At　one　and　the　same　minute　one　has　to　play　the　part　of　savant　and　teacher　and　orator；　and　it's　a　bad　thing　if　the　orator　gets　the　upper　hand　of　the　savant　or　of　the　teacher　in　one；　or　_vice　versa_。
  You　lecture　for　a　quarter　of　an　hour；　for　half　an　hour；　when　you　notice　that　the　students　are　beginning　to　look　at　the　ceiling；　at　Pyotr　Ignatyevitch；　one　is　feeling　for　his　handkerchief；　another　shifts　in　his　seat；　another　smiles　at　his　thoughts。　。　。　。　That　means　that　their　attention　is　flagging。　Something　must　be　done。　Taking　advantage　of　the　first　opportunity；　I　make　some　pun。　A　broad　grin　comes　on　to　a　hundred　and　fifty　faces；　the　eyes　shine　brightly；　the　sound　of　the　sea　is　audible　for　a　brief　moment。　。　。　。　I　laugh　too。　Their　attention　is　refreshed；　and　I　can　go　on。
  No　kind　of　sport；　no　kind　of　game　or　diversion；　has　ever　given　me　such　enjoyment　as　lecturing。　Only　at　lectures　have　I　been　able　to　abandon　myself　entirely　to　passion；　and　have　understood　that　inspiration　is　not　an　invention　of　the　poets；　but　exists　in　real　life；　and　I　imagine　Hercules　after　the　most　piquant　of　his　exploits　felt　just　such　voluptuous　exhaustion　as　I　experience　after　every　lecture。
  That　was　in　old　times。　Now　at　lectures　I　feel　nothing　but　torture。　Before　half　an　hour　is　over　I　am　conscious　of　an　overwhelming　weakness　in　my　legs　and　my　shoulders。　I　sit　down　in　my　chair；　but　I　am　not　accustomed　to　lecture　sitting　down；　a　minute　later　I　get　up　and　go　on　standing；　then　sit　down　again。　There　is　a　dryness　in　my　mouth；　my　voice　grows　husky；　my　head　begins　to　go　round。　。　。　。　To　conceal　my　condition　from　my　audience　I　continually　drink　water；　cough；　often　blow　my　nose　as　though　I　were　hindered　by　a　cold；　make　puns　inappropriately；　and　in　the　end　break　off　earlier　than　I　ought　to。　But　above　all　I　am　ashamed。
  My　conscience　and　my　intelligence　tell　me　that　the　very　best　thing　I　could　do　now　would　be　to　deliver　a　farewell　lecture　to　the　boys；　to　say　my　last　word　to　them；　to　bless　them；　and　give　up　my　post　to　a　man　younger　and　stronger　than　me。　But；　God；　be　my　judge；　I　have　not　manly　courage　enough　to　act　according　to　my　conscience。
  Unfortunately；　I　am　not　a　philosopher　and　not　a　theologian。　I　know　perfectly　well　that　I　cannot　live　more　than　another　six　months；　it　might　be　supposed　that　I　ought　now　to　be　chiefly　concerned　with　the　question　of　the　shadowy　life　beyond　the　grave；　and　the　visions　that　will　visit　my　slumbers　in　the　tomb。　But　for　some　reason　my　soul　refuses　to　recognize　these　questions；　though　my　mind　is　fully　alive　to　their　importance。　Just　as　twenty；　thirty　years　ago；　so　now；　on　the　threshold　of　death；　I　am　interested　in　nothing　but　science。　As　I　yield　up　my　last　breath　I　shall　still　believe　that　science　is　the　most　important；　the　most　splendid；　the　most　essential　thing　in　the　life　of　man；　that　it　always　has　been　and　will　be　the　highest　manifestation　of　love；　and　that　only　by　means　of　it　will　man　conquer　himself　and　nature。　This　faith　is　perhaps　naive　and　may　rest　on　false　assumptions；　but　it　is　not　my　fault　that　I　believe　that　and　nothing　else；　I　cannot　overcome　in　myself　this　belief。
  But　that　is　not　the　point。　I　only　ask　people　to　be　indulgent　to　my　weakness；　and　to　realize　that　to　tear　from　the　lecture…theatre　and　his　pupils　a　man　who　is　more　interested　in　the　history　of　the　development　of　the　bone　　medulla　than　in　the　　final　object　of　creation　would　be　equivalent　to　taking　him　and　nailing　him　up　in　his　coffin　without　waiting　for　him　to　be　dead。
  Sleeplessness　and　the　consequent　strain　of　combating　increasing　weakness　leads　to　something　strange　in　me。　In　the　middle　of　my　lecture　tears　suddenly　rise　in　my　throat；　my　eyes　begin　to　smart；　and　I　feel　a　passionate；　hysterical　desire　to　stretch　out　my　hands　before　me　and　break　into　loud　lamentation。　I　want　to　cry　out　in　a　loud　voice　that　I；　a　famous　man；　have　been　sentenced　by　fate　to　the　death　penalty；　that　within　some　six　months　another　man　will　be　in　control　here　in　the　lecture…theatre。　I　want　to　shriek　that　I　am　poisoned；　new　ideas　such　as　I　have　not　known　before　have　poisoned　the　last　days　of　my　life；　and　are　still　stinging　my　brain　like　mosquitoes。　And　at　that　moment　my　position　seems　to　me　so　awful　that　I　want　all　my　listeners　to　be　horrified；　to　leap　up　from　their　seats　and　to　rush　in　panic　terror；　with　desperate　screams；　to　the　exit。
  It　is　not　easy　to　get　through　such　moments。
  II
  After　my　lecture　I　sit　at　home　and　work。　I　read　journals　and　monographs；　or　prepare　my　next　lecture；　sometimes　I　write　something。　I　work　with　interruptions；　as　I　have　from　time　to　time　to　see　visitors。
  There　is　a　ring　at　the　bell。　It　is　a　colleague　come　to　discuss　some　business　matter　with　me。　He　comes　in　to　me　with　his　hat　and　his　stick；　and；　holding　out　both　these　objects　to　me；　says：
  〃Only　for　a　minute！　Only　for　a　minute！　Sit　down；　_collega_！　Only　a　couple　of　words。〃
  To　begin　with；　we　both　try　to　show　each　other　that　we　are　extraordinarily　polite　and　highly　delighted　to　see　each　other。　I　make　him　sit　down　in　an　easy…chair；　and　he　makes　me　sit　down；　as　we　do　so；　we　cautiously　pat　each　other　on　the　back；　touch　each　other's　buttons；　and　it　looks　as　though　we　were　feeling　each　other　and　afraid　of　scorching　our　fingers。　Both　of　us　laugh；　though　we　say　nothing　amusing。　When　we　are　seated　we　bow　our　heads　towards　each　other　and　begin　talking　in　subdued　voices。　However　affectionately　disposed　we　may　be　to　one　another；　we　cannot　help　adorning　our　conversation　with　all　sorts　of　Chinese　mannerisms；　such　as　〃As　you　so　justly　observed；〃　or　〃I　have　already　had　the　honour　to　inform　you〃；　we　cannot　help　laughing　if　one　of　us　makes　a　joke；　however　unsuccessfully。　When　we　have　finished　with　business　my　colleague　gets　up　impulsively　and；　waving　his　hat　in　the　direction　of　my　work；　begins　to　say　good…bye。　Again　we　paw　one　another　and　laugh。　I　see　him　into　the　hall；　when　I　assist　my　colleague　to　put　on　his　coat；　while　he　does　all　he　can　to　decline　this　high　honour。　Then　when　Yegor　opens　the　door　my　colleague　declares　that　I　shall　catch　cold；　while　I　make　a　show　of　being　ready　to　go　even　into　the　street　with　him。　And　when　at　last　I　go　back　into　my　study　my　face　still　goes　on　smiling；　I　suppose　from　inertia。
  A　little　later　another　ring　at　the　bell。　Somebody　comes　into　the　hall；　and　is　a　long　time　coughing　and　taking　off　his　things。　Yegor　announces　a　student。　I　tell　him　to　ask　him　in。　A　minute　later　a　young　man　of　agreeable　appearance　comes　in。　For　the　last　year　he　and　I　have　been　on　strained　relations；　he　answers　me　disgracefully　at　the　examinations；　and　I　mark　him　one。　Every　year　I　have　some　seven　such　hopefuls　whom；　to　express　it　in　the　students'　slang；　I　〃chivy〃　or　〃floor。〃　Those　of　them　who　fail　in　their　examination　through　incapacity　or　illness　usually　bear　their　cross　patiently　and　do　not　haggle　with　me；　those　who　come　to　the　house　and　haggle　with　me　are　always　youths　of　sanguine　temperament；　broad　natures；　whose　failure　at　examinations　spoils　their　appetites　and　hinders　them　from　visiting　the　opera　with　their　usual　regularity。　I　let　the　first　class　off　easily；　but　the　second　I　chivy　through　a　whole　year。
  〃Sit　down；〃　I　say　to　my　visitor；　〃what　have　you　to　tell　me？〃
  〃Excuse　me；　professor；　for　troubling　you；〃　he　begins；　hesitating；　and　not　looking　me　in　the　face。　〃I　would　not　have　ventured　to　trouble　you　if　it　had　not　been　。　。　。　I　have　been　up　for　your　examination　five　times；　and　have　been　ploughed。　。　。　。　I　beg　you；　be　so　good　as　to　mark　me　for　a　pass；　because　。　。　。〃
  The　argument　which　all　the　sluggards　bring　forward　on　their　own　behalf　is　always　the　same；　they　have　passed　well　in　all　their　subjects　and　have　only　come　to　grief　in　mine；　and　that　is　the　more　surprising　because　they　have　always　been　particularly　interested　in　my　subject　and　knew　it　so　well；　their　failure　has　always　been　entirely　owing　to　some　incomprehensible　misunderstanding。
  〃Excuse　me；　my　friend；〃　I　say　to　the　visitor；　〃I　cannot　mark　you　for　a　pass。　Go　and　read　up　the　lectures　and　come　to　me　again。　Then　we　shall　see。〃
  A　pause。　I　feel　an　impulse　to　torment　the　student　a　little　for　liking　beer　and　the　opera　better　than　science；　and　I　say；　with　a　sigh：
  〃To　my　mind；　the　best　thing　you　can　do　now　is　to　give　up　medicine　altogether。　If；　with　your　abilities；　you　cannot　succeed　in　passing　the　examination；　it's　evident　that　you　have　neither　the　desire　nor　the　vocation　for　a　doctor's　calling。〃
  The　sanguine　youth's　face　lengthens。
  〃Excuse　me；　professor；〃　he　laughs；　〃but　that　would　be　odd