第 85 节
作者:
寻找山吹 更新:2021-02-27 02:13 字数:9322
than ever; but her manner implied the pressure of control; and her voice
was not quite steady as she greeted me。
〃You've been away a long time;〃 I said。
〃The dressmakers;〃 she answered。 Her colour rose a little。 〃I thought
they'd never get through。〃
〃But why didn't you drop me a line; let me know when you were coming?〃 I
asked; taking a chair beside her; and laying my hand on hers。 She drew
it gently away。
〃What's the matter?〃 I asked。
〃I've been thinking it all overwhat we're doing。 It doesn't seem
right; it seems terribly wrong。〃
〃But I thought we'd gone over all that;〃 I replied; as patiently as I
could。 〃You're putting it on an old…fashioned; moral basis。〃
〃But there must be same basis;〃 she urged。 〃There are responsibilities;
obligationsthere must be!that we can't get away from。 I can't help
feeling that we ought to stand by our mistakes; and by our bargains; we
made a choiceit's cheating; somehow; and if we take thiswhat we want…
…we shall be punished for it。〃
〃But I'm willing to be punished; to suffer; as I told you。 If you loved
me〃
〃Hugh!〃 she exclaimed; and I was silent。 〃You don't understand;〃 she
went on; a little breathlessly; 〃what I mean by punishment is
deterioration。 Do you remember once; long ago; when you came to me
before I was married; I said we'd both run after false gods; and that we
couldn't do without them? Well; and now this has come; it seems so
wonderful to me; coming again like that after we had passed it by; after
we thought it had gone forever; it's opened up visions for me that I
never hoped to see again。 It ought to restore us; dearthat's what I'm
trying to sayto redeem us; to make us capable of being what we were
meant to be。 If it doesn't do that; if it isn't doing so; it's the most
horrible of travesties; of mockeries。 If we gain life only to
have it turn into deathslow death; if we go to pieces again; utterly。
For now there's hope。 The more I think; the more clearly I see that we
can't take any step without responsibilities。 If we take this; you'll
have me; and I'll have you。 And if we don't save each other〃
〃But we will;〃 I said。
〃Ah;〃 she exclaimed; 〃if we could start new; without any past。 I married
Ham with my eyes open。〃
〃You couldn't know that he would becomewell; as flagrant as he is。 You
didn't really know what he was then。〃
〃There's no reason why I shouldn't have anticipated it。 I can't claim
that I was deceived; that I thought my marriage was made in heaven。 I
entered into a contract; and Ham has kept his part of it fairly well。 He
hasn't interfered with my freedom。 That isn't putting it on a high
plane; but there is an obligation involved。 You yourself; in your law
practice; are always insisting upon the sacredness of contract as the
very basis of our civilization。〃
Here indeed would have been a home thrust; had I been vulnerable at the
time。 So intent was I on overcoming her objections; that I resorted
unwittingly to the modern argument I had more than once declared in court
to be anathema…the argument of the new reform in reference to the common
law and the constitution。
〃A contract; no matter how seriously entered into at the time it was
made; that later is seen to violate the principles of humanity should be
void。 And not only this; but you didn't consent that he should disgrace
you。〃
Nancy winced。
〃I never told you that he paid my father's debts; I never told anyone;〃
she said; in a low voice。
〃Even then;〃 I answered after a moment; 〃you ought to see that it's too
terrible a price to pay for your happiness。 And Ham hasn't ever
pretended to consider you in any way。 It's certain you didn't agree that
he should dowhat he is doing。〃
〃Suppose I admitted it;〃 she said; 〃there remain Maude and your children。
Their happiness; their future becomes my responsibility as well as
yours。〃
〃But I don't love Maude; and Maude doesn't love me。 I grant it's my
fault; that I did her a wrong in marrying her; but she is right in
leaving me。 I should be doing her a double wrong。 And the children will
be happy with her; they will be well brought up。 I; too; have thought
this out; Nancy;〃 I insisted; 〃and the fact is that in our respective
marriages we have been; each of us; victims of our time; of our
education。 We were born in a period of transition; we inherited views of
life that do not fit conditions to…day。 It takes courage to achieve
happiness; initiative to emancipate one's self from a morality that
begins to hamper and bind。 To stay as we are; to refuse to take what is
offered us; is to remain between wind and water。 I don't mean that we
should do anythinghastily。 We can afford to take a reasonable time; to
be dignified about it。 But I have come to the conclusion that the only
thing that matters in the world is a love like ours; and its fulfilment。
Achievement; success; are empty and meaningless without it。 And you do
love meyou've admitted it。〃
〃Oh; I don't want to talk about it;〃 she exclaimed; desperately。
〃But we have to talk about it;〃 I persisted。 〃We have to thrash it out;
to see it straight; as you yourself have said。〃
〃You speak of convictions; Hugh;new convictions; in place of the old we
have discarded。 But what are they? And is there no such thing as
conscienceeven though it be only an intuition of happiness or
unhappiness? I do care for you; I do love you〃
〃Then why not let that suffice?〃 I exclaimed; leaning towards her。
She drew back。
〃But I want to respect you; too;〃 she said。
I was shocked; too shocked to answer。
〃I want to respect you;〃 she repeated; more gently。 〃I don't want to
think thatthat what we feel for each other isunconsecrated。〃
〃It consecrates itself;〃 I declared。
She shook her head。
〃Surely it has its roots in everything that is fine in both of us。〃
〃We both went wrong;〃 said Nancy。 〃We both sought to wrest power and
happiness from the world; to make our own laws。 How can we assert that
this is not merely a continuation of it?〃
〃But can't we work out our beliefs together?〃 I demanded。 〃Won't you
trust me; trust our love for one another?〃
Her breath came and went quickly。
〃Oh; you know that I want you; Hugh; as much as you want me; and more。
The time may come when I can't resist you。〃
〃Why do you resist me?〃 I cried; seizing her hands convulsively; and
swept by a gust of passion at her confession。
〃Try to understand that I am fighting for both of us!〃 she pleadedan
appeal that wrung me in spite of the pitch to which my feelings had been
raised。 〃Hugh; dear; we must think it out。 Don't now。〃
I let her hands drop。。。。
Beyond the range of hills rising from the far side of the Ashuela was the
wide valley in which was situated the Cloverdale Country Club; with its
polo field; golf course and tennis courts; and in this same valley some
of our wealthy citizens; such as Howard Ogilvy and Leonard Dickinson; had
bought 〃farms;〃 week…end playthings for spring and autumn。 Hambleton
Durrett had started the fashion。 Capriciously; as he did everything
else; he had become the owner of several hundred acres of pasture;
woodland and orchard; acquired some seventy…five head of blooded stock;
and proceeded to house them in model barns and milk by machinery; for
several months he had bored everyone in the Boyne Club whom he could
entice into conversation on the subject of the records of pedigreed cows;
and spent many bibulous nights on the farm in company with those
parasites who surrounded him when he was in town。 Then another interest
had intervened; a feminine one; of course; and his energies were
transferred (so we understood) to the reconstruction and furnishing of a
little residence in New York; not far from Fifth Avenue。 The farm
continued under the expert direction of a superintendent who was a
graduate of the State Agricultural College; and a select clientele; which
could afford to pay the prices; consumed the milk and cream and butter。
Quite consistent with their marital relations was the fact that Nancy
should have taken a fancy to the place after Ham's interest had waned。
Not that she cared for the Guernseys; or Jerseys; or whatever they may
have been; she evinced a sudden passion for simplicity;occasional
simplicity; at least;for a contrast to and escape from a complicated
life of luxury。 She built another house for the superintendent banished
him from the little farmhouse (where Ham had kept two rooms); banished
along with the superintendent the stiff plush furniture; the yellow…red
carpets; the easels and the melodeon; and decked it out in bright
chintzes; with wall…papers to match; dainty muslin curtains; and rag…
carpet rugs on the hardwood floors。 The pseudo…classic porch over the
doorway; which had suggested a cemetery; was removed; and a wide piazza
added; furnished with wicker lounging chairs and tables; and shaded with
gay awnings。
Here; to the farm; accompanied by a maid; she had been in the habit of
retiring from time to time; and here she came in early July。 Here;
dressed in the simplest linen gowns of pink or blue or white; I found a
Nancy magically restored to girlhood;anew Nancy; betrayi