第 85 节
作者:寻找山吹      更新:2021-02-27 02:13      字数:9322
  than ever; but her manner implied the pressure of control; and her voice
  was not quite steady as she greeted me。
  〃You've been away a long time;〃 I said。
  〃The dressmakers;〃 she answered。  Her colour rose a little。  〃I thought
  they'd never get through。〃
  〃But why didn't you drop me a line; let me know when you were coming?〃  I
  asked; taking a chair beside her; and laying my hand on hers。  She drew
  it gently away。
  〃What's the matter?〃  I asked。
  〃I've been thinking it all overwhat we're doing。  It doesn't seem
  right; it seems terribly wrong。〃
  〃But I thought we'd gone over all that;〃 I replied; as patiently as I
  could。  〃You're putting it on an old…fashioned; moral basis。〃
  〃But there must be same basis;〃 she urged。  〃There are responsibilities;
  obligationsthere must be!that we can't get away from。  I can't help
  feeling that we ought to stand by our mistakes; and by our bargains; we
  made a choiceit's cheating; somehow; and if we take thiswhat we want…
  …we shall be punished for it。〃
  〃But I'm willing to be punished; to suffer; as I told you。  If you loved
  me〃
  〃Hugh!〃 she exclaimed; and I was silent。  〃You don't understand;〃 she
  went on; a little breathlessly; 〃what I mean by punishment is
  deterioration。  Do you remember once; long ago; when you came to me
  before I was married; I said we'd both run after false gods; and that we
  couldn't do without them?  Well; and now this has come; it seems so
  wonderful to me; coming again like that after we had passed it by; after
  we thought it had gone forever; it's opened up visions for me that I
  never hoped to see again。  It ought to restore us; dearthat's what I'm
  trying to sayto redeem us; to make us capable of being what we were
  meant to be。  If it doesn't do that; if it isn't doing so; it's the most
  horrible of travesties; of mockeries。  If we gain life only to
  have it turn into deathslow death; if we go to pieces again; utterly。
  For now there's hope。  The more I think; the more clearly I see that we
  can't take any step without responsibilities。  If we take this; you'll
  have me; and I'll have you。  And if we don't save each other〃
  〃But we will;〃 I said。
  〃Ah;〃 she exclaimed; 〃if we could start new; without any past。  I married
  Ham with my eyes open。〃
  〃You couldn't know that he would becomewell; as flagrant as he is。  You
  didn't really know what he was then。〃
  〃There's no reason why I shouldn't have anticipated it。  I can't claim
  that I was deceived; that I thought my marriage was made in heaven。  I
  entered into a contract; and Ham has kept his part of it fairly well。  He
  hasn't interfered with my freedom。  That isn't putting it on a high
  plane; but there is an obligation involved。  You yourself; in your law
  practice; are always insisting upon the sacredness of contract as the
  very basis of our civilization。〃
  Here indeed would have been a home thrust; had I been vulnerable at the
  time。  So intent was I on overcoming her objections; that I resorted
  unwittingly to the modern argument I had more than once declared in court
  to be anathema…the argument of the new reform in reference to the common
  law and the constitution。
  〃A contract; no matter how seriously entered into at the time it was
  made; that later is seen to violate the principles of humanity should be
  void。  And not only this; but you didn't consent that he should disgrace
  you。〃
  Nancy winced。
  〃I never told you that he paid my father's debts; I never told anyone;〃
  she said; in a low voice。
  〃Even then;〃 I answered after a moment; 〃you ought to see that it's too
  terrible a price to pay for your happiness。  And Ham hasn't ever
  pretended to consider you in any way。  It's certain you didn't agree that
  he should dowhat he is doing。〃
  〃Suppose I admitted it;〃 she said; 〃there remain Maude and your children。
  Their happiness; their future becomes my responsibility as well as
  yours。〃
  〃But I don't love Maude; and Maude doesn't love me。  I grant it's my
  fault; that I did her a wrong in marrying her; but she is right in
  leaving me。  I should be doing her a double wrong。  And the children will
  be happy with her; they will be well brought up。  I; too; have thought
  this out; Nancy;〃 I insisted; 〃and the fact is that in our respective
  marriages we have been; each of us; victims of our time; of our
  education。  We were born in a period of transition; we inherited views of
  life that do not fit conditions to…day。  It takes courage to achieve
  happiness; initiative to emancipate one's self from a morality that
  begins to hamper and bind。  To stay as we are; to refuse to take what is
  offered us; is to remain between wind and water。  I don't mean that we
  should do anythinghastily。  We can afford to take a reasonable time; to
  be dignified about it。  But I have come to the conclusion that the only
  thing that matters in the world is a love like ours; and its fulfilment。
  Achievement; success; are empty and meaningless without it。  And you do
  love meyou've admitted it。〃
  〃Oh; I don't want to talk about it;〃 she exclaimed; desperately。
  〃But we have to talk about it;〃 I persisted。  〃We have to thrash it out;
  to see it straight; as you yourself have said。〃
  〃You speak of convictions; Hugh;new convictions; in place of the old we
  have discarded。  But what are they?  And is there no such thing as
  conscienceeven though it be only an intuition of happiness or
  unhappiness?  I do care for you; I do love you〃
  〃Then why not let that suffice?〃 I exclaimed; leaning towards her。
  She drew back。
  〃But I want to respect you; too;〃 she said。
  I was shocked; too shocked to answer。
  〃I want to respect you;〃 she repeated; more gently。  〃I don't want to
  think thatthat what we feel for each other isunconsecrated。〃
  〃It consecrates itself;〃 I declared。
  She shook her head。
  〃Surely it has its roots in everything that is fine in both of us。〃
  〃We both went wrong;〃 said Nancy。  〃We both sought to wrest power and
  happiness from the world; to make our own laws。  How can we assert that
  this is not merely a continuation of it?〃
  〃But can't we work out our beliefs together?〃 I demanded。  〃Won't you
  trust me; trust our love for one another?〃
  Her breath came and went quickly。
  〃Oh; you know that I want you; Hugh; as much as you want me; and more。
  The time may come when I can't resist you。〃
  〃Why do you resist me?〃 I cried; seizing her hands convulsively; and
  swept by a gust of passion at her confession。
  〃Try to understand that I am fighting for both of us!〃 she pleadedan
  appeal that wrung me in spite of the pitch to which my feelings had been
  raised。  〃Hugh; dear; we must think it out。  Don't now。〃
  I let her hands drop。。。。
  Beyond the range of hills rising from the far side of the Ashuela was the
  wide valley in which was situated the Cloverdale Country Club; with its
  polo field; golf course and tennis courts; and in this same valley some
  of our wealthy citizens; such as Howard Ogilvy and Leonard Dickinson; had
  bought 〃farms;〃 week…end playthings for spring and autumn。  Hambleton
  Durrett had started the fashion。  Capriciously; as he did everything
  else; he had become the owner of several hundred acres of pasture;
  woodland and orchard; acquired some seventy…five head of blooded stock;
  and proceeded to house them in model barns and milk by machinery; for
  several months he had bored everyone in the Boyne Club whom he could
  entice into conversation on the subject of the records of pedigreed cows;
  and spent many bibulous nights on the farm in company with those
  parasites who surrounded him when he was in town。  Then another interest
  had intervened; a feminine one; of course; and his energies were
  transferred (so we understood) to the reconstruction and furnishing of a
  little residence in New York; not far from Fifth Avenue。  The farm
  continued under the expert direction of a superintendent who was a
  graduate of the State Agricultural College; and a select clientele; which
  could afford to pay the prices; consumed the milk and cream and butter。
  Quite consistent with their marital relations was the fact that Nancy
  should have taken a fancy to the place after Ham's interest had waned。
  Not that she cared for the Guernseys; or Jerseys; or whatever they may
  have been; she evinced a sudden passion for simplicity;occasional
  simplicity; at least;for a contrast to and escape from a complicated
  life of luxury。  She built another house for the superintendent banished
  him from the little farmhouse (where Ham had kept two rooms); banished
  along with the superintendent the stiff plush furniture; the yellow…red
  carpets; the easels and the melodeon; and decked it out in bright
  chintzes; with wall…papers to match; dainty muslin curtains; and rag…
  carpet rugs on the hardwood floors。  The pseudo…classic porch over the
  doorway; which had suggested a cemetery; was removed; and a wide piazza
  added; furnished with wicker lounging chairs and tables; and shaded with
  gay awnings。
  Here; to the farm; accompanied by a maid; she had been in the habit of
  retiring from time to time; and here she came in early July。  Here;
  dressed in the simplest linen gowns of pink or blue or white; I found a
  Nancy magically restored to girlhood;anew Nancy; betrayi