第 22 节
作者:
寻找山吹 更新:2021-02-27 02:12 字数:9322
however; were for annihilating it: although they took the other side of
the discussion of a subject of which none of us knew anything; their
attacks were but half…hearted; like me; they were still under the spell
exerted by a youthful training。
We were all of us aware of Ralph; who sat at some distance looking over
the pages of an English sporting weekly。 Presently he flung it down。
〃Haven't you found out yet that man created God; Hughie?〃 he inquired。
〃And even if there were a personal God; what reason have you to think
that man would be his especial concern; or any concern of his whatever?
The discovery of evolution has knocked your Christianity into a cocked
hat。〃
I don't remember how I answered him。 In spite of the superficiality of
his own arguments; which I was not learned enough to detect; I was
ingloriously routed。 Darwin had kicked over the bucket; and that was all
there was to it。。。。 After we had left the club both Conybear and Laurens
admitted they were somewhat disturbed; declaring that Ralph had gone too
far。 I spent a miserable night; recalling the naturalistic assertions he
had made so glibly; asking myself again and again how it was that the
religion to which I so vainly clung had no greater effect on my actions
and on my will; had not prevented me from lapses into degradation。 And I
hated myself for having argued upon a subject that was still sacred。 I
believed in Christ; which is to say that I believed that in some
inscrutable manner he existed; continued to dominate the world and had
suffered on my account。
To whom should I go now for a confirmation of my wavering beliefs? One
of the resultsit will be remembered of religion as I was taught it was
a pernicious shyness; and even though I had found a mentor and confessor;
I might have hesitated to unburden myself。 This would be different from
arguing with Ralph Hambleton。 In my predicament; as I was wandering
through the yard; I came across a notice of an evening talk to students
in Holder Chapel; by a clergyman named Phillips Brooks。 This was before
the time; let me say in passing; when his sermons at Harvard were
attended by crowds of undergraduates。 Well; I stood staring at the
notice; debating whether I should go; trying to screw up my courage; for
I recognized clearly that such a step; if it were to be of any value;
must mean a distinct departure from my present mode of life; and I recall
thinking with a certain revulsion that I should have to 〃turn good。〃 My
presence at the meeting would be known the next day to all my friends;
for the idea of attending a religious gathering when one was not forced
to do so by the authorities was unheard of in our set。 I should be
classed with the despised 〃pious ones〃 who did such things regularly。 I
shrank from the ridicule。 I had; however; heard of Mr。 Brooks from Ned
Symonds; who was by no means of the pious type; and whose parents
attended Mr。 Brooks's church in Boston。。。。 I left my decision in
abeyance。 But when evening came I stole away from the club table; on the
plea of an engagement; and made my way rapidly toward Holder Chapel。 I
had almost reached itwhen I caught a glimpse of Symonds and of some
others approaching;and I went on; to turn again。 By this time the
meeting; which was in a room on the second floor; had already begun。
Palpitating; I climbed the steps; the door of the room was slightly ajar;
I looked in; I recall a distinct sensation of surprise;the atmosphere
of that meeting was so different from what I had expected。 Not a 〃pious〃
atmosphere at all! I saw a very tall and heavy gentleman; dressed in
black; who sat; wholly at ease; on the table! One hand was in his
pocket; one foot swung clear of the ground; and he was not preaching; but
talking in an easy; conversational tone to some forty young men who sat
intent on his words。 I was too excited to listen to what he was saying;
I was making a vain attempt to classify him。 But I remember the thought;
for it struck me with force;that if Christianity were so thoroughly
discredited by evolution; as Ralph Hambleton and other agnostics would
have one believe; why should this remarkably sane and able…looking person
be standing up for it as though it were still an established and
incontrovertible fact?
He had not; certainly; the air of a dupe or a sentimentalist; but
inspired confidence by his very personality。 Youthlike; I watched him
narrowly for flaws; for oratorical tricks; for all kinds of histrionic
symptoms。 Again I was near the secret; again it escaped me。 The
argument for Christianity lay not in assertions about it; but in being
it。 This man was Christianity。。。。 I must have felt something of this;
even though I failed to formulate it。 And unconsciously I contrasted his
strength; which reinforced the atmosphere of the room; with that of Ralph
Hambleton; who was; a greater influence over me than I have recorded; and
had come to sway me more and more; as he had swayed others。 The strength
of each was impressive; yet this Mr。 Brooks seemed to me the bodily
presentment of a set of values which I would have kept constantly before
my eyes。。。。 I felt him drawing me; overcoming my hesitation; belittling
my fear of ridicule。 I began gently to open the doorwhen something
happened;one of those little things that may change the course of a
life。 The door made little noise; yet one of the men sitting in the back
of the room chanced to look around; and I recognized Hermann Krebs。 His
face was still sunken from his recent illness。 Into his eyes seemed to
leap a sudden appeal; an appeal to which my soul responded yet I hurried
down the stairs and into the street。 Instantly I regretted my retreat; I
would have gone back; but lacked the courage; and I strayed unhappily for
hours; now haunted by that look of Krebs; now wondering what the
remarkably sane…looking and informal clergyman whose presence dominated
the little room had been talking about。 I never learned; but I did live
to read his biography; to discover what he might have talked about;for
he if any man believed that life and religion are one; and preached
consecration to life's task。
Of little use to speculate whether the message; had I learned it then;
would have fortified and transformed me!
In spite of the fact that I was unable to relate to a satisfying
conception of religion my new…born determination; I made up my mind; at
least; to renounce my tortuous ways。 I had promised my father to be a
lawyer; I would keep my promise; I would give the law a fair trial; later
on; perhaps; I might demonstrate an ability to write。 All very
praiseworthy! The season was Lent; a fitting time for renunciations and
resolves。 Although I had more than once fallen from grace; I believed
myself at last to have settled down on my true coursewhen something
happened。 The devil interfered subtly; as usualnow in the person of
Jerry Kyme。 It should be said in justice to Jerry that he did not look
the part。 He had sunny…red; curly hair; mischievous blue eyes with long
lashes; and he harboured no respect whatever for any individual or
institution; sacred or profane; he possessed; however; a shrewd sense of
his own value; as many innocent and unsuspecting souls discovered as
early as our freshman year; and his method of putting down the
presumptuous was both effective and unique。 If he liked you; there could
be no mistake about it。
One evening when I was engaged in composing a theme for Mr。 Cheyne on no
less a subject than the interpretation of the work of William Wordsworth;
I found myself unexpectedly sprawling on the floor; in my descent kicking
the table so vigorously as to send the ink…well a foot or two toward the
ceiling。 This; be it known; was a typical proof of Jerry's esteem。 For
he had entered noiselessly; jerking the back of my chair; which chanced
to be tilted; and stood with his hands in his pockets; surveying the ruin
he had wrought; watching the ink as it trickled on the carpet。 Then he
picked up the book。
〃Poetry; you darned old grind!〃 he exclaimed disgustedly。 〃Say; Parry; I
don't know what's got into you; but I want you to come home with me for
the Easter holidays。 It'll do you good。 We'll be on the Hudson; you
know; and we'll manage to make life bearable somehow。〃
I forgot my irritation; in sheer surprise。
〃Why; that's mighty good of you; Jerry〃 I began; struggling to my feet。
〃Oh; rot!〃 he exclaimed。 〃I shouldn't ask you if I didn't want you。〃
There was no denying the truth of this; and after he had gone I sat for a
long time with my pen in my mouth; reflecting as to whether or not I
should go。 For I had the instinct that here was another cross…roads;
that more depended on my decision than I cared to admit。 But even then I
knew what I should do。 Ridiculous not toI told myself。 How could a
week or ten days with Jerry possibly affect my newborn; resolve?
Yet the prospect; now; of a visit to the Kymes' was by no means so
glowing as it once would have been。 For I had seen visions; I had
dreamed dreams; beheld a delectable country of my very own。 A year ago
nay; even a month agohow such an invitation would have gl