第 28 节
作者:猫王      更新:2021-02-27 00:40      字数:9315
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  all; this is   your home   just   as   much   as   mine。 You'll be   comfortable here。
  You'll be spared at least the worst privations。〃
  He   went   to   the   drawer   in   which   he   kept   his   money   and   took   out
  several bank…notes。
  〃I would like to give you half what I've got here。〃
  He put them on the table。        Neither Strickland nor his wife spoke。
  Then he recollected something else。
  〃Will you pack up my clothes and leave them with the concierge? I'll
  come and fetch them to…morrow。〃             He tried to smile。〃 Good…bye; my dear。
  I'm grateful for all the happiness you gave me in the past。〃
  He walked out and closed the door behind him。               With my mind's eye I
  saw Strickland throw his hat on a table; and; sitting down; begin to smoke
  a cigarette。
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  Chapter XXIX
  I kept silence for a little while; thinking of what Stroeve had told me。
  I   could   not   stomach   his   weakness;   and   he   saw   my   disapproval。      〃You
  know   as   well   as   I   do   how   Strickland   lived;〃   he   said   tremulously。    〃I
  couldn't let her live in those circumstances  I simply couldn't。〃
  〃That's your business;〃 I answered。
  〃What would  have done?〃 he asked。
  〃She   went   with   her   eyes   open。     If   she   had   to   put   up   with   certain
  inconveniences it was her own lookout。〃
  〃Yes; but; you see; you don't love her。〃
  〃Do you love her still?〃
  〃Oh;   more   than   ever。     Strickland   isn't   the   man   to   make   a   woman
  happy。 It can't last。     I want her to know that I shall never fail her。〃
  〃Does that mean that you're prepared to take her back?〃
  〃I shouldn't hesitate。      Why; she'll want me more than ever then。 When
  she's   alone   and   humiliated   and   broken   it   would   be   dreadful   if   she   had
  nowhere to go。〃
  He seemed to bear no resentment。             I suppose it was commonplace in
  me   that   I   felt   slightly   outraged   at   his   lack   of   spirit。   Perhaps   he   guessed
  what was in my mind; for he said:
  〃I couldn't expect her to love me as I loved her。 I'm a buffoon。                    I'm
  not   the   sort   of   man   that   women   love。   I've   always   known   that。  I   can't
  blame her if she's fallen in love with Strickland。〃
  〃You certainly have less vanity than any man I've ever known;〃 I said。
  〃I   love   her   so   much   better   than   myself。 It   seems   to   me   that   when
  vanity comes into love it can only be because really you love yourself best。
  After all; it constantly happens that a man when he's married falls in love
  with somebody else; when he gets over it he returns to his wife; and she
  takes him back;  and everyone thinks it very  natural。                Why  should it be
  different with women?〃
  〃I dare say that's logical;〃 I smiled; 〃but most men are made differently;
  and they can't。〃
  But while I talked to Stroeve I was puzzling over the suddenness of the
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  whole      affair。   I   could    not   imagine     that  he   had   had    no   warning。      I
  remembered         the   curious    look   I  had    seen   in   Blanche     Stroeve's    eyes;
  perhaps   its   explanation   was   that   she   was   growing   dimly   conscious   of   a
  feeling in her heart that surprised and alarmed her。
  〃Did   you   have   no   suspicion   before   to…day   that   there   was   anything
  between them?〃 I asked。
  He did not answer for a while。             There was a pencil on the table; and
  unconsciously he drew a head on the blotting…paper。
  〃Please say so; if you hate my asking you questions;〃 I said。
  〃It   eases   me   to   talk。  Oh;   if   you   knew   the   frightful   anguish   in   my
  heart。〃     He threw the pencil down。             〃Yes; I've known it for a fortnight。
  I knew it before she did。〃
  〃Why on earth didn't you send Strickland packing?〃
  〃I couldn't believe it。        It seemed so improbable。 She couldn't bear the
  sight of him。       It was more than improbable; it was incredible。                 I thought
  it   was   merely   jealousy。  You   see;   I've   always   been   jealous;   but   I   trained
  myself   never   to   show   it;   I   was   jealous   of   every   man   she   knew;   I   was
  jealous of you。        I knew she didn't love me as I loved her。 That was only
  natural; wasn't it?       But she allowed me to love her; and that was enough
  to make me happy。           I forced myself to go out for hours together in order
  to   leave   them   by   themselves;   I   wanted   to   punish   myself   for   suspicions
  which were   unworthy of   me; and   when I   came back   I found they  didn't
  want me  not Strickland; he didn't care if I was there or not; but Blanche。
  She shuddered when I went to kiss her。 When at last I was certain I didn't
  know   what   to   do;   I   knew   they'd   only   laugh   at   me   if   I   made   a   scene。   I
  thought if   I  held   my tongue  and pretended   not to   see;  everything   would
  come      right。   I   made     up   my    mind    to  get   him   away     quietly;   without
  quarrelling。      Oh; if you only knew what I've suffered!〃
  Then   he   told   me   again   of   his   asking   Strickland   to   go。   He   chose   his
  moment carefully; and tried to make his request sound casual; but he could
  not master the trembling of his voice; and he felt himself that into words
  that he wished to seem jovial and friendly there crept the bitterness of his
  jealousy。     He had not expected Strickland to take him up on the spot and
  make his preparations to go there and then; above all; he had not expected
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  his wife's decision to go with him。 I saw that now he wished with all his
  heart that he had held his tongue。         He preferred the anguish of jealousy to
  the anguish of separation。
  〃I wanted to kill him; and I only made a fool of myself。〃
  He was silent for a long time; and then he said what I knew was in his
  mind。
  〃If   I'd   only  waited;  perhaps it   would have   gone   all   right。  I   shouldn't
  have been so impatient。         Oh; poor child; what have I driven her to?〃
  I shrugged my shoulders; but did not speak。               I had no sympathy for
  Blanche Stroeve; but knew that it would only pain poor Dirk if I told him
  exactly what I thought of her。
  He    had   reached    that  stage   of  exhaustion    when     he  could   not   stop
  talking。    He   went   over   again   every   word   of   the   scene。   Now   something
  occurred to him that he had not told me before; now he discussed what he
  ought   to   have   said   instead   of   what   he   did   say;   then  he   lamented  his
  blindness。     He regretted that he had done this; and blamed himself that he
  had omitted the other。 It grew later and later; and at last I was as tired as
  he。
  〃What are you going to do now?〃 I said finally。
  〃What can I do? I shall wait till she sends for me。〃
  〃Why don't you go away for a bit?〃
  〃No; no; I must be at hand when she wants me。〃
  For the present he seemed quite lost。           He had made no plans。 When I
  suggested that he should go to bed he said he could not sleep; he wanted to
  go out and walk about the streets till day。 He was evidently in no state to
  be left alone。 I persuaded him to stay the night with me; and I put him into
  my own bed。        I had a divan in my sitting…room; and could very well sleep
  on that。    He was by now so worn out that he could not resist my firmness。
  I gave him a sufficient dose of veronal to insure his unconsciousness for
  several hours。 I thought that was the best service I could render him。
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  Chapter XXX
  But the bed I made up for myself was sufficiently uncomfortable to
  give me a wakeful night; and I thought a good deal of what the unlucky
  Dutchman had told me。           I was not so much puzzled by Blanche Stroeve's
  action; for I saw in that merely the result of a physical appeal。                  I do not
  suppose she had ever really cared for her husband; and what I had taken
  for love was no more th