第 14 节
作者:猫王      更新:2021-02-27 00:39      字数:9321
  has sheltered it。
  But how strange it was that the creative instinct should seize upon this
  dull stockbroker; to his own ruin; perhaps; and to the misfortune of such as
  were   dependent   on   him;   and   yet   no   stranger   than   the   way   in   which   the
  spirit   of   God   has   seized   men;   powerful   and   rich;   pursuing   them   with
  stubborn vigilance till at last; conquered; they have abandoned the joy of
  the world and the love of women for the painful austerities of the cloister。
  Conversion may come under many shapes; and it may be brought about in
  many   ways。       With   some   men   it   needs   a   cataclysm;   as   a   stone   may   be
  broken   to   fragments   by   the   fury   of   a   torrent;   but   with   some   it   comes
  gradually; as a stone may be worn away by the ceaseless fall of a drop of
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  water。 Strickland had the directness of the fanatic and the ferocity of the
  apostle。
  But to my practical mind it remained to be seen whether the passion
  which   obsessed   him   would   be   justified   of   its   works。 When   I   asked   him
  what his brother…students at the night classes he had attended in London
  thought of his painting; he answered with a grin:
  〃They thought it a joke。〃
  〃Have you begun to go to a studio here?〃
  〃Yes。    The blighter came round this morning  the master; you know;
  when he saw my drawing he just raised his eyebrows and walked on。〃
  Strickland      chuckled。       He     did   not   seem     discouraged。      He    was
  independent of the opinion of his fellows。
  And it was just that which had most disconcerted me in my dealings
  with him。      When people say they do not care what others think of them;
  for the most part they deceive themselves。 Generally they mean only that
  they will do as they choose; in the confidence that no one will know their
  vagaries; and at the utmost only that they are willing to act contrary to the
  opinion of the majority because they are supported by the approval of their
  neighbours。       It   is   not   difficult   to   be   unconventional   in   the   eyes   of   the
  world   when   your   unconventionality  is but   the   convention   of   your   set。   It
  affords you then an inordinate amount of self…esteem。 You have the self…
  satisfaction   of   courage   without   the   inconvenience   of   danger。         But   the
  desire    for   approbation     is  perhaps     the  most    deeply    seated   instinct   of
  civilised man。 No one runs so hurriedly to the cover of respectability as
  the   unconventional   woman   who   has   exposed   herself   to   the   slings   and
  arrows   of   outraged   propriety。      I   do   not   believe   the   people   who   tell   me
  they do not care a row of pins for the opinion of their fellows。                   It is the
  bravado of ignorance。          They mean only that they do not fear reproaches
  for peccadillos which they are convinced none will discover。
  But here was a man who sincerely did not mind what people thought
  of   him;   and   so   convention   had   no   hold   on   him;   he   was   like   a   wrestler
  whose   body   is   oiled;   you   could   not   get   a   grip   on   him;   it   gave   him   a
  freedom which was an outrage。 I remember saying to him:
  〃Look here; if everyone acted like you; the world couldn't go on。〃
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  〃That's a damned silly thing to say。           Everyone doesn't want to act like
  me。     The great majority are perfectly content to do the ordinary thing。〃
  And once I sought to be satirical。
  〃You evidently don't believe in the maxim:               Act so that every one of
  your actions is capable of being made into a universal rule。〃
  〃I never heard it before; but it's rotten nonsense。〃
  〃Well; it was Kant who said it。〃
  〃I don't care; it's rotten nonsense。〃
  Nor with such a man could you expect the appeal to conscience to be
  effective。     You might as well ask for a rejection without a mirror。                I take
  it that conscience is the guardian in the individual of the rules which the
  community has evolved for its own preservation。                   It is the policeman in
  all our hearts; set there to watch that we do not break its laws。 It is the spy
  seated in the central stronghold of the ego。 Man's desire for the approval
  of his   fellows   is   so strong;  his   dread of   their censure so   violent;  that   he
  himself has brought his enemy within his gates; and it keeps watch over
  him; vigilant always in the interests of its master to crush any half…formed
  desire to break away from the herd。            It will force him to place the good of
  society     before   his   own。    It   is  the  very   strong    link  that   attaches   the
  individual      to  the   whole。    And     man;    subservient     to   interests   he   has
  persuaded himself are greater than his own; makes himself a slave to his
  taskmaster。      He   sits  him   in  a  seat  of  honour。     At    last;  like  a  courtier
  fawning   on   the   royal   stick   that   is   laid   about   his   shoulders;   he  prides
  himself on the sensitiveness of his conscience。 Then he has no words hard
  enough   for   the   man   who   does   not   recognise   its   sway;   for;   a   member   of
  society now; he realises accurately enough that against him he is powerless。
  When I saw that Strickland was really indifferent to the blame his conduct
  must excite; I could only draw back in horror as from a monster of hardly
  human shape。
  The last words he said to me when I bade him good…night were:
  〃Tell Amy it's no good coming after me。               Anyhow; I shall change my
  hotel; so she wouldn't be able to find me。〃
  〃My own impression is that she's well rid of you;〃 I said。
  〃My   dear   fellow;   I   only   hope   you'll   be   able   to   make   her   see   it。   But
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  women are very unintelligent。〃
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  Chapter XV
  When I reached London I found waiting for me an urgent request that
  I should go to Mrs。 Strickland's as soon after dinner as I could。                   I found
  her   with   Colonel   MacAndrew   and   his   wife。   Mrs。   Strickland's   sister   was
  older than she; not unlike her; but more faded; and she had the efficient air;
  as though she carried the British Empire in her pocket; which the wives of
  senior officers acquire from the consciousness of belonging to a superior
  caste。    Her manner was brisk; and her good…breeding scarcely concealed
  her   conviction   that   if   you   were   not   a   soldier   you   might   as   well   be   a
  counter…jumper。        She hated the Guards; whom she thought conceited; and
  she could not trust herself to speak of their ladies; who were so remiss in
  calling。 Her gown was dowdy and expensive。
  Mrs。 Strickland was plainly nervous。
  〃Well; tell us your news;〃 she said。
  〃I saw your husband。          I'm afraid he's quite made up his mind not to
  return。〃     I paused a little。    〃He wants to paint。〃
  〃What      do   you    mean?〃      cried   Mrs。    Strickland;     with    the   utmost
  astonishment。
  〃Did you never know that he was keen on that sort of thing。〃
  〃He must be as mad as a hatter;〃 exclaimed the Colonel。
  Mrs。    Strickland     frowned     a  little。  She    was    searching     among     her
  recollections。
  〃I   remember   before   we   were   married he   used   to   potter about   with   a
  paint…box。      But you never saw such daubs。             We used to chaff him。          He
  had absolutely no gift for anything like that。〃
  〃Of course it's only an excuse;〃 said Mrs。 MacAndrew。
  Mrs。   Strickland   pondered   deeply   for   some   time。       It   was   quite   clear
  that   she   could   not   make   head   or   tail   of   my  announcement。   She   had   put
  some     order    into  the   drawing…room       by   now;   her   housewifely      instincts
  having   got   the   better   of   her   dismay;   and   it   no   longer   bore   that   deserted
  look; like a furnished house long to let; which I had noticed on my first
  visit after the catastrophe。        But now that I had seen Strickland in Paris it
  was   difficult   to   imagine   him   in   those   surroundings。