The　Essays　of　Montaigne；　V17
  by　Michel　de　Montaigne
  Translated　by　Charles　Cotton
  Edited　by　William　Carew　Hazilitt
  1877
  CONTENTS　OF　VOLUME　17。
  IX。　　　Of　Vanity
  CHAPTER　IX
  OF　VANITY
  There　is；　peradventure；　no　more　manifest　vanity　than　to　write　of　it　so
  vainly。　　That　which　divinity　has　so　divinely　expressed　to　us　＇〃Vanity
  of　vanities：　all　is　vanity。〃Eccles。；　i。　2。＇　ought　to　be　carefully　and
  continually　meditated　by　men　of　understanding。　　Who　does　not　see　that　I
  have　taken　a　road；　in　which；　incessantly　and　without　labour；　I　shall
  proceed　so　long　as　there　shall　be　ink　and　paper　in　the　world？　　I　can　give
  no　account　of　my　life　by　my　actions；　fortune　has　placed　them　too　low：　I
  must　do　it　by　my　fancies。　　And　yet　I　have　seen　a　gentleman　who　only
  communicated　his　life　by　the　workings　of　his　belly：　you　might　see　on　his
  premises　a　show　of　a　row　of　basins　of　seven　or　eight　days'　standing；　it
  was　his　study；　his　discourse；　all　other　talk　stank　in　his　nostrils。
  Here；　but　not　so　nauseous；　are　the　excrements　of　an　old　mind；　sometimes
  thick；　sometimes　thin；　and　always　indigested。　　And　when　shall　I　have　done
  representing　the　continual　agitation　and　mutation　of　my　thoughts；　as　they
  come　into　my　head；　seeing　that　Diomedes　wrote　six　thousand　books　upon　the
  sole　subject　of　grammar？
  ＇It　was　not　Diomedes；　but　Didymus　the　grammarian；　who；　as　Seneca
  （Ep。；　88）　tells　us；　wrote　four　not　six　thousand　books　on　questions
  of　vain　literature；　which　was　the　principal　study　of　the　ancient
  grammarian。Coste。　　But　the　number　is　probably　exaggerated；　and　for
  books　we　should　doubtless　read　pamphlets　or　essays。＇
  What；　then；　ought　prating　to　produce；　since　prattling　and　the　first
  beginning　to　speak；　stuffed　the　world　with　such　a　horrible　load　of
  volumes？　　So　many　words　for　words　only。　　O　Pythagoras；　why　didst　not　thou
  allay　this　tempest？　　They　accused　one　Galba　of　old　for　living　idly；　he
  made　answer；　〃That　every　one　ought　to　give　account　of　his　actions；　but
  not　of　his　home。〃　　He　was　mistaken；　for　justice　also　takes　cognisance　of
  those　who　glean　after　the　reaper。
  But　there　should　be　some　restraint　of　law　against　foolish　and　impertinent
  scribblers；　as　well　as　against　vagabonds　and　idle　persons；　which　if　there
  were；　both　I　and　a　hundred　others　would　be　banished　from　the　reach　of　our
  people。　　I　do　not　speak　this　in　jest：　scribbling　seems　to　be　a　symptom　of
  a　disordered　and　licentious　age。　　When　did　we　write　so　much　as　since　our
  troubles？　when　the　Romans　so　much；　as　upon　the　point　of　ruin？　　Besides
  that；　the　refining　of　wits　does　not　make　people　wiser　in　a　government：
  this　idle　employment　springs　from　this；　that　every　one　applies　himself
  negligently　to　the　duty　of　his　vocation；　and　is　easily　debauched　from　it。
  The　corruption　of　the　age　is　made　up　by　the　particular　contribution　of
  every　individual　man；　some　contribute　treachery；　others　injustice；
  irreligion；　tyranny；　avarice；　cruelty；　according　to　their　power；　the
  weaker　sort　contribute　folly；　vanity；　and　idleness；　of　these　I　am　one。
  It　seems　as　if　it　were　the　season　for　vain　things；　when　the　hurtful
  oppress　us；　in　a　time　when　doing　ill　is　common；　to　do　but　what　signifies
  nothing　is　a　kind　of　commendation。　　'Tis　my　comfort；　that　I　shall　be　one
  of　the　last　who　shall　be　called　in　question；　and　whilst　the　greater
  offenders　are　being　brought　to　account；　I　shall　have　leisure　to　amend：
  for　it　would；　methinks；　be　against　reason　to　punish　little
  inconveniences；　whilst　we　are　infested　with　the　greater。　　As　the
  physician　Philotimus　said　to　one　who　presented　him　his　finger　to　dress；
  and　who　he　perceived；　both　by　his　complexion　and　his　breath；　had　an　ulcer
  in　his　lungs：　〃Friend；　it　is　not　now　time　to　play　with　your　nails。〃
  ＇Plutarch；　How　we　may　distinguish　a　Flatterer　from　a　Friend。＇
  And　yet　I　saw；　some　years　ago；　a　person；　whose　name　and　memory　I　have　in
  very　great　esteem；　in　the　very　height　of　our　great　disorders；　when　there
  was　neither　law　nor　justice；　nor　magistrate　who　performed　his　office；　no
  more　than　there　is　now；　publish　I　know　not　what　pitiful　reformations
  about　cloths；　cookery；　and　law　chicanery。　　Those　are　amusements　wherewith
  to　feed　a　people　that　are　ill…used；　to　show　that　they　are　not　totally
  forgotten。　　Those　others　do　the　same；　who　insist　upon　prohibiting
  particular　ways　of　speaking；　dances；　and　games；　to　a　people　totally
  abandoned　to　all　sorts　of　execrable　vices。　　'Tis　no　time　to　bathe　and
  cleanse　one's　self；　when　one　is　seized　by　a　violent　fever；　it　was　for　the
  Spartans　alone　to　fall　to　combing　and　curling　themselves；　when　they　were
  just　upon　the　point　of　running　headlong　into　some　extreme　danger　of　their
  life。
  For　my　part；　I　have　that　worse　custom；　that　if　my　slipper　go　awry；　I　let
  my　shirt　and　my　cloak　do　so　too；　I　scorn　to　mend　myself　by　halves。
  When　I　am　in　a　bad　plight；　I　fasten　upon　the　mischief；　I　abandon　myself
  through　despair；　I　let　myself　go　towards　the　precipice；　and；　as　they　say；
  〃throw　the　helve　after　the　hatchet〃；　I　am　obstinate　in　growing　worse；　and
  think　myself　no　longer　worth　my　own　care；　I　am　either　well　or　ill
  throughout。　　'T　is　a　favour　to　me；　that　the　desolation　of　this　kingdom
  falls　out　in　the　desolation　of　my　age：　I　better　suffer　that　my　ill　be
  multiplied；　than　if　my　well　had　been　disturbed。＇That；　being　ill；　I
  should　grow　worse；　than　that；　being　well；　I　should　grow　ill。＇　The　words
  I　utter　in　mishap　are　words　of　anger：　my　courage　sets　up　its　bristles；
  instead　of　letting　them　down；　and；　contrary　to　others；　I　am　more　devout
  in　good　than　in　evil　fortune；　according　to　the　precept　of　Xenophon；　if
  not　according　to　his　reason；　and　am　more　ready　to　turn　up　my　eyes　to
  heaven　to　return　thanks；　than　to　crave。　　I　am　more　solicitous　to　improve
  my　health；　when　I　am　well；　than　to　restore　it　when　I　am　sick；
  prosperities　are　the　same　discipline　and　instruction　to　me　that
  adversities　and　rods　are　to　others。　　As　if　good　fortune　were　a　thing
  inconsistent　with　good　conscience；　men　never　grow　good　but　in　evil
  fortune。　　Good　fortune　is　to　me　a　singular　spur　to　modesty　and
  moderation：　an　entreaty　wins；　a　threat　checks　me；　favour　makes　me　bend；
  fear　stiffens　me。
  Amongst　human　conditions　this　is　common　enough：　to　be　better　pleased　with
  foreign　things　than　with　our　own；　and　to　love　innovation　and　change：
  〃Ipsa　dies　ideo　nos　grato　perluit　haustu；
  Quod　permutatis　hora　recurrit　equis：〃
  ＇〃The　light　of　day　itself　shines　more　pleasantly　upon　us　because　it
  changes　its　horses　every　hour。〃　　Spoke　of　a　water　hour…glass；
  adds　　Cotton。＇
  I　have　my　share。　　Those　who　follow　the　other　extreme；　of　being　quite
  satisfied　and　pleased　with　and　in　themselves；　of　valuing　what　they　have
  above　all　the　rest；　and　of　concluding　no　beauty　can　be　greater　than　what
  they　see；　if　they　are　not　wiser　than　we；　are　really　more　happy；　I　do　not
  envy　their　wisdom；　but　their　good　fortune。
  This　greedy　humour　of　new　and　unknown　things　helps　to　nourish　in　me　the
  desire　of　travel；　but　a　great　many　more　circumstances　contribute　to　it；
  I　am　very　willing　to　quit　the　government　of　my　house。　　There　is；　I
  confess；　a　kind　of　convenience　in　commanding；　though　it　were　but　in　a
  barn；　and　in　being　obeyed　by　one's　people；　but　'tis　too　uniform　and
  languid　a　pleasure；　and　is；　moreover；　of　necessity　mixed　with　a　thousand
  vexatious　thoughts：　one　while　the　poverty　and　the　oppression　of　your
  tenants：　another；　quarrels　amongst　neighbours：　another；　the　trespasses
  they　make　upon　you　afflict　you；
  〃Aut　verberatae　grandine　vineae；
  Fundusque　mendax；　arbore　nunc　aquas
  Culpante；　nunc　torrentia　agros
  Sidera；　nunc　hyemes　iniquas。〃
  ＇〃Or　hail…smitten　vines　and　the　deceptive　farm；　now　trees　damaged
  by　the　rains；　or　years　of　dearth；　now　summer's　heat　burning　up　the
  petals；　now　destructive　winters。〃Horatius；　Od。；　iii。　I；　29。＇
  and　that　God　scarce　in　six　months　sends　a　season　wherein　your　bailiff　can
  do　his　business　as　he　should；　but　that　if　it　serves　the　vines；　it　spoils
  the　meadows：
  〃Aut　nimiis　torret　fervoribus　aetherius　sol；
  Aut　subiti　perimunt　imbres；　gelidoeque　pruinae；
  Flabraque　ventorum　violento　turbine　vexant；〃
  ＇〃Either　the　scorching　sun　burns　up　your　fields；　or　sudden　rains　or
  frosts　destroy　your　harvests；　or　a　violent　wind　carries　away　all
  before　it。〃Lucretius；　V。　216。＇
  to　which　may　be　added　the　new　and　neat…made　shoe　of　the　man　of　old；　that
  hurts　your　foot；
  ＇Leclerc　maliciously　suggests　that　this　is　a　sly　hit　at　Montaigne's
  wife；　the　man　of　old　being　the　person　mentioned　in　Plutarch's　Life
  of　Paulus　Emilius；　c。　3；　who；　when　his　friends　reproached　him　for
  repudiating　his　wife；　whose　various　merits　they　extolled；　pointed　to
  his　shoe；　and　said；　〃That　looks　a　nice　well…made　shoe　to　you；　but　I
  alone　know　where　it　pinches。〃＇
  and　that　a　stranger　does　not　understand　how　much　it　costs　you；　and　what
  you　contribute　to　maintain　that　show　of　order　that　is　seen　in　your
  family；　and　that　peradventure　you　buy　too　dear。
  I　came　late　to　the　government　of　a