If　I　had　schoolmasters；　my　benevolent　friend；　do　you　imagine　I　would　set　them　on　teaching　a　set　of　unteachables；　who　as　you　perceive　have　already　made　up　their　mind　that　black　is　white；that　the　Devil　namely　is　the　advantageous　Master　to　serve　in　this　world？　　My　esteemed　Benefactor　of　Humanity；　it　shall　be　far　from　me。　　Minds　open　to　that　particular　conviction　are　not　the　material　I　like　to　work　upon。　　When　once　my　schoolmasters　have　gone　over　all　the　other　classes　of　society　from　top　to　bottom；　and　have　no　other　soul　to　try　with　teaching；　all　being　thoroughly　taught；I　will　then　send　them　to　operate　on　_these_　regiments　of　the　line：　then；　and；　assure　yourself；　never　till　then。　　The　truth　is；　I　am　sick　of　scoundreldom；　my　esteemed　Benefactor；　it　always　was　detestable　to　me；　and　here　where　I　find　it　lodged　in　palaces　and　waited　on　by　the　benevolent　of　the　world；　it　is　more　detestable；　not　to　say　insufferable　to　me　than　ever。
  Of　Beneficence；　Benevolence；　and　the　people　that　come　together　to　talk　on　platforms　and　subscribe　five　pounds；　I　will　say　nothing　here；　indeed　there　is　not　room　here　for　the　twentieth　part　of　what　were　to　be　said　of　them。　The　beneficence；　benevolence；　and　sublime　virtue　which　issues　in　eloquent　talk　reported　in　the　Newspapers；　with　the　subscription　of　five　pounds；　and　the　feeling　that　one　is　a　good　citizen　and　ornament　to　society；concerning　this；　there　were　a　great　many　unexpected　remarks　to　be　made；　but　let　this　one；　for　the　present　occasion；　suffice：
  My　sublime　benevolent　friends；　don't　you　perceive；　for　one　thing；　that　here　is　a　shockingly　unfruitful　investment　for　your　capital　of　Benevolence；　precisely　the　worst；　indeed；　which　human　ingenuity　could　select　for　you？　〃Laws　are　unjust；　temptations　great；〃　&c。　&c。：　　alas；　I　know　it；　and　mourn　for　it；　and　passionately　call　on　all　men　to　help　in　altering　it。　　But　according　to　every　hypothesis　as　to　the　law；　and　the　temptations　and　pressures　towards　vice；　here　are　the　individuals　who；　of　all　the　society；　have　yielded　to　said　pressure。　　These　are　of　the　worst　substance　for　enduring　pressure！　　The　others　yet　stand　and　make　resistance　to　temptation；　to　the　law's　injustice；　under　all　the　perversities　and　strangling　impediments　there　are；　the　rest　of　the　society　still　keep　their　feet；　and　struggle　forward；　marching　under　the　banner　of　Cosmos；　of　God　and　Human　Virtue；　these　select　Few；　as　I　explain　to　you；　are　they　who　have　fallen　to　Chaos；　and　are　sworn　into　certain　regiments　of　the　line。　　A　superior　proclivity　to　Chaos　is　declared　in　these；　by　the　very　fact　of　their　being　here！　　Of　all　the　generation　we　live　in；　these　are　the　worst　stuff。　　These；　I　say；　are　the　Elixir　of　the　Infatuated　among　living　mortals：　　if　you　want　the　worst　investment　for　your　Benevolence；　here　you　accurately　have　it。　　O　my　surprising　friends！　　Nowhere　so　as　here　can　you　be　certain　that　a　given　quantity　of　wise　teaching　bestowed；　of　benevolent　trouble　taken；　will　yield　zero；　or　the　net　_Minimum_　of　return。　　It　is　sowing　of　your　wheat　upon　Irish　quagmires；　laboriously　harrowing　it　in　upon　the　sand　of　the　seashore。　O　my　astonishing　benevolent　friends！
  Yonder；　in　those　dingy　habitations；　and　shops　of　red　herring　and　tobacco…pipes；　where　men　have　not　yet　quite　declared　for　the　Devil；　there；　I　say；　is　land：　　here　is　mere　sea…beach。　　Thither　go　with　your　benevolence；　thither　to　those　dingy　caverns　of　the　poor；　and　there　instruct　and　drill　and　manage；　there　where　some　fruit　may　come　from　it。　　And；　above　all　and　inclusive　of　all；　cannot　you　go　to　those　Solemn　human　Shams；　Phantasm　Captains；　and　Supreme　Quacks　that　ride　prosperously　in　every　thoroughfare；　and　with　severe　benevolence；　ask　them；　What　they　are　doing　here？　　They　are　the　men　whom　it　would　behoove　you　to　drill　a　little；　and　tie　to　the　halberts　in　a　benevolent　manner；　if　you　could！　　〃We　cannot；〃　say　you？　　Yes；　my　friends；　to　a　certain　extent　you　can。　　By　many　well…known　active　methods；　and　by　all　manner　of　passive　methods；　you　can。　　Strive　thitherward；　I　advise　you；　thither；　with　whatever　social　effort　there　may　lie　in　you！　　The　well…head　and　〃consecrated〃　thrice…accursed　chief　fountain　of　all　those　waters　of　bitterness；it　is　they；　those　Solemn　Shams　and　Supreme
  Quacks　of　yours；　little　as　they　or　you　imagine　it！　　Them；　with　severe　benevolence；　put　a　stop　to；　them　send　to　their　Father；　far　from　the　sight　of　the　true　and　just；if　you　would　ever　see　a　just　world　here！
  What　sort　of　reformers　and　workers　are　you；　that　work　only　on　the　rotten　material？　　That　never　think　of　meddling　with　the　material　while　it　continues　sound；　that　stress　it　and　strain　it　with　new　rates　and　assessments；　till　once　it　has　given　way　and　declared　itself　rotten；　whereupon　you　snatch　greedily　at　it；　and　say；　Now　let　us　try　to　do　some　good　upon　it！　　You　mistake　in　every　way；　my　friends：　　the　fact　is；　you　fancy　yourselves　men　of　virtue；　benevolence；　what　not；　and　you　are　not　even　men　of　sincerity　and　honest　sense。　　I　grieve　to　say　it；　but　it　is　true。　Good　from　you；　and　your　operations；　is　not　to　be　expected。　　You　may　go　down！
  Howard　is　a　beautiful　Philanthropist；　eulogized　by　Burke；　and　in　most　men's　minds　a　sort　of　beatified　individual。　　How　glorious；　having　finished　off　one's　affairs　in　Bedfordshire；　or　in　fact　finding　them　very　dull；　inane；　and　worthy　of　being　quitted　and　got　away　from；　to　set　out　on　a　cruise；　over　the　Jails　first　of　Britain；　then；　finding　that　answer；　over　the　Jails　of　the　habitable　Globe！　　〃A　voyage　of　discovery；　a　circum…navigation　of　charity；　to　collate　distresses；　to　gauge　wretchedness；　to　take　the　dimensions　of　human　misery：〃　　really　it　is　very　fine。　　Captain　Cook's　voyage　for　the　Terra　Australis；　Ross's；　Franklin's　for　the　ditto　Borealis：　men　make　various　cruises　and　voyages　in　this　world；for　want　of　money；　want　of　work；　and　one　or　the　other　want；which　are　attended　with　their　difficulties　too；　and　do　not　make　the　cruiser　a　demigod。　　On　the　whole；　I　have　myself　nothing　but　respect；　comparatively　speaking；　for　the　dull　solid　Howard；　and　his　〃benevolence；〃　and　other　impulses　that　set　him　cruising；　Heaven　had　grown　weary　of　Jail…fevers；　and　other　the　like　unjust　penalties　inflicted　upon　scoundrels；for　scoundrels　too；　and　even　the　very　Devil；　should　not　have　_more_　than　their　due；and　Heaven；　in　its　opulence；　created　a　man　to　make　an　end　of　that。　　Created　him；　disgusted　him　with　the　grocer　business；　tried　him　with　Calvinism；　rural　ennui；　and　sore　bereavement　in　his　Bedfordshire　retreat；and；　in　short；　at　last　got　him　set　to　his　work；　and　in　a　condition　to　achieve　it。　　For　which　I　am　thankful　to　Heaven；　and　do　also；with　doffed　hat；　humbly　salute　John　Howard。　　A　practical　solid　man；　if　a　dull　and　even　dreary；　〃carries　his　weighing…scales　in　his　pocket：〃　　when　your　jailer　answers；　〃The　prisoner's　allowance　of　food　is　so　and　so；　and　we　observe　it　sacredly；　here；　for　example；　is　a　ration。〃〃　Hey！　　A　ration　this？〃　and　solid　John　suddenly　produces　his　weighing…scales；　weighs　it；　marks　down　in　his　tablets　what　the　actual　quantity　of　it　is。　　That　is　the　art　and　manner　of　the　man。　　A　man　full　of　English　accuracy；　English　veracity；　solidity；　simplicity；　by　whom　this　universal　Jail…commission；　not　to　be　paid　for　in　money　but　far　otherwise；　is　set　about；　with　all　the　slow　energy；　the　patience；　practicality；　sedulity　and　sagacity　common　to　the　best　English　commissioners　paid　in　money　and　not　expressly　otherwise。
  For　it　is　the　glory　of　England　that　she　has　a　turn　for　fidelity　in　practical　work；　that　sham…workers；　though　very　numerous；　are　rarer　than　elsewhere；　that　a　man　who　undertakes　work　for　you　will　still；　in　various　provinces　of　our　affairs；　do　it；　instead　of　merely　seeming　to　do　it。　　John　Howard；　without　pay　in　money；　_did_　this　of　the　Jail…fever；　as　other　Englishmen　do　work；　in　a　truly　workmanlike　manner：　　his　distinction　was　that　he　did　it　without　money。　　He　had　not　500　pounds　or　5；000　pounds　a　year　of　salary　for　it；　but　lived　merely　on　his　Bedfordshire　estates；　and　as　Snigsby　irreverently　expresses　it；　〃by　chewing　his　own　cud。〃　　And；　sure　enough；　if　any　man　might　chew　the　cud　of　placid　reflections；　solid　Howard；　a　mournful　man　otherwise；　might　at　intervals　indulge　a　little　in　that　luxury。No　money…salary　had　he　for　his　work；　he　had　merely　the　income　of　his　properties；　and　what　he　could　derive　from　within。　　Is　this　such　a　sublime　distinction；　then？　　Well；　let　it　pass　at　its　value。　　There　have　been　benefactors　of　mankind　who　had　more　need　of　money　than　he；　and　got　none　too。　　Milton；　it　is　known；　did　his　_Paradise　Lost_　at　the　easy　rate　of　five　pounds。　　Kepler　worked　out　the　secret　of　the　Heavenly　Motions　in　a　dreadfully　painful　manner；　〃going　over　the　calculations　sixty　times；〃　and　having　not　only　no　public　money；　but　no　private　either；　and；　in　fact；　writing　almanacs　for　his　bread…and…water；　while　he　did　this　of　the　Heavenly　Motions；　having　no　Bedfordshire　estates；　nothing　but　a　pension　of　18　pounds　（which　they　would　not　pay　him）；　the　valuable　faculty　of　writing　almanacs；　and　at　length　the　invaluable　one　of　dying；　when　the　Heavenly　bodies　were　vanquished；　and　battle's　conflagration　had　collapsed　into　cold　dark　ashes；　and　the　starvation　reached　too　high　a　pitch　for　the　poor　man。
  Howard　is　not　the　only　benefactor　that　has　worked　without　money　for　us；　th