第 22 节
作者:不言败      更新:2021-02-21 15:47      字数:9322
  point; and put off trifling details; until he could believe in it all。
  But that seemed utterly unattainable。 So it seemed to himself at
  least。 He could not imagine; for instance; that he would sometime
  leave off thinking; get up and simply go there。。。。 Even his late
  experiment (i。e。 his visit with the object of a final survey of the
  place) was simply an attempt at an experiment; far from being the real
  thing; as though one should say 〃come; let us go and try it… why dream
  about it!〃… and at once he had broken down and had run away cursing;
  in a frenzy with himself。 Meanwhile it would seem; as regards the
  moral question; that his analysis was complete; his casuistry had
  become keen as a razor; and he could not find rational objections in
  himself。 But in the last resort he simply ceased to believe in
  himself; and doggedly; slavishly sought arguments in all directions;
  fumbling for them; as though some one were forcing and drawing him
  to it。
  At first… long before indeed… he had been much occupied with one
  question; why almost all crimes are so badly concealed and so easily
  detected; and why almost all criminals leave such obvious traces? He
  had come gradually to many different and curious conclusions; and in
  his opinion the chief reason lay not so much in the material
  impossibility of concealing the crime; as in the criminal himself。
  Almost every criminal is subject to a failure of will and reasoning
  power by a childish and phenomenal heedlessness; at the very instant
  when prudence and caution are most essential。 It was his conviction
  that this eclipse of reason and failure of will power attacked a man
  like a disease; developed gradually and reached its highest point just
  before the perpetration of the crime; continued with equal violence at
  the moment of the crime and for longer or shorter time after;
  according to the individual case; and then passed off like any other
  disease。 The question whether the disease gives rise to the crime;
  or whether the crime from its own peculiar nature is always
  accompanied by something of the nature of disease; he did not yet feel
  able to decide。
  When he reached these conclusions; he decided that in his own case
  there could not be such a morbid reaction; that his reason and will
  would remain unimpaired at the time of carrying out his design; for
  the simple reason that his design was 〃not a crime。。。。〃 We will omit
  all the process by means of which he arrived at this last
  conclusion; we have run too far ahead already。。。。 We may add only that
  the practical; purely material difficulties of the affair occupied a
  secondary position in his mind。 〃One has but to keep all one's will
  power and reason to deal with them; and they will all be overcome at
  the time when once one has familiarised oneself with the minutest
  details of the business。。。。〃 But this preparation had never been
  begun。 His final decisions were what he came to trust least; and
  when the hour struck; it all came to pass quite differently; as it
  were accidentally and unexpectedly。
  One trifling circumstance upset his calculations; before he had even
  left the staircase。 When he reached the landlady's kitchen; the door
  of which was open as usual; he glanced cautiously in to see whether;
  in Nastasya's absence; the landlady herself was there; or if not;
  whether the door to her own room was closed; so that she might not
  peep out when he went in for the axe。 But what was his amazement
  when he suddenly saw that Nastasya was not only at home in the
  kitchen; but was occupied there; taking linen out of a basket and
  hanging it on a line。 Seeing him; she left off hanging the clothes;
  turned to him and stared at him all the time he was passing。 He turned
  away his eyes; and walked past as though he noticed nothing。 But it
  was the end of everything; he had not the axe! He was overwhelmed。
  〃What made me think;〃 he reflected; as he went under the gateway;
  〃what made me think that she would be sure not to be at home at that
  moment! Why; why; why did I assume this so certainly?〃
  He was crushed and even humiliated。 He could have laughed at himself
  in his anger。。。。 A dull animal rage boiled within him。
  He stood hesitating in the gateway。 To go into the street; to go for
  a walk for appearance sake was revolting; to go back to his room; even
  more revolting。 〃And what a chance I have lost for ever!〃 he muttered;
  standing aimlessly in the gateway; just opposite the porter's little
  dark room; which was also open。 Suddenly he started。 From the porter's
  room; two paces away from him; something shining under the bench to
  the right caught his eye。。。。 He looked about him… nobody。 He
  approached the room on tiptoe; went down two steps into it and in a
  faint voice called the porter。 〃Yes; not at home! Somewhere near
  though; in the yard; for the door is wide open。〃 He dashed to the
  axe (it was an axe) and pulled it out from under the bench; where it
  lay between two chunks of wood; at once before going out; he made it
  fast in the noose; he thrust both hands into his pockets and went
  out of the room; no one had noticed him! 〃When reason fails; the devil
  helps!〃 he thought with a strange grin。 This chance raised his spirits
  extraordinarily。
  He walked along quietly and sedately; without hurry; to avoid
  awakening suspicion。 He scarcely looked at the passers…by; tried to
  escape looking at their faces at all; and to be as little noticeable
  as possible。 Suddenly he thought of his hat。 〃Good heavens! I had
  the money the day before yesterday and did not get a cap to wear
  instead!〃 A curse rose from the bottom of his soul。
  Glancing out of the corner of his eye into a shop; he saw by a clock
  on the wall that it was ten minutes past seven。 He had to make haste
  and at the same time to go someway round; so as to approach the
  house from the other side。。。。
  When he had happened to imagine all this beforehand; he had
  sometimes thought that he would be very much afraid。 But he was not
  very much afraid now; was not afraid at all; indeed。 His mind was even
  occupied by irrelevant matters; but by nothing for long。 As he
  passed the Yusupov garden; he was deeply absorbed in considering the
  building of great fountains; and of their refreshing effect on the
  atmosphere in all the squares。 By degrees he passed to the
  conviction that if the summer garden were extended to the field of
  Mars; and perhaps joined to the garden of the Mihailovsky Palace; it
  would be a splendid thing and a great benefit to the town。 Then he was
  interested by the question why in all great towns men are not simply
  driven by necessity; but in some peculiar way inclined to live in
  those parts of the town where there are no gardens nor fountains;
  where there is most dirt and smell and all sorts of nastiness。 Then
  his own walks through the Hay Market came back to his mind; and for
  a moment he waked up to reality。 〃What nonsense!〃 he thought;
  〃better think of nothing at all!〃
  〃So probably men led to execution clutch mentally at every object
  that meets them on the way;〃 flashed through his mind; but simply
  flashed; like lightning; he made haste to dismiss this thought。。。。 And
  by now he was near; here was the house; here was the gate。 Suddenly
  a clock somewhere struck once。 〃What! can it be half…past seven?
  Impossible; it must be fast!〃
  Luckily for him; everything went well again at the gates。 At that
  very moment; as though expressly for his benefit; a huge waggon of hay
  had just driven in at the gate; completely screening him as he
  passed under the gateway; and the waggon had scarcely had time to
  drive through into the yard; before he had slipped in a flash to the
  right。 On the other side of the waggon he could hear shouting and
  quarrelling; but no one noticed hi