第 114 节
作者:
恐龙王 更新:2021-02-21 15:32 字数:9322
state in which I then felt myself。 It is not improbable that my
energies had been overstrained during the work the progress of
which I have attempted to describe; and every one is aware that the
results of overstrained energies are feebleness and lassitude …
want of nourishment might likewise have something to do with it。
During my sojourn in the dingle; my food had been of the simplest
and most unsatisfying description; by no means calculated to
support the exertion which the labour I had been engaged upon
required; it had consisted of coarse oaten cakes and hard cheese;
and for beverage I had been indebted to a neighbouring pit; in
which; in the heat of the day; I frequently saw; not golden or
silver fish; but frogs and eftes swimming about。 I am; however;
inclined to believe that Mrs。 Herne's cake had quite as much to do
with the matter as insufficient nourishment。 I had never entirely
recovered from the effects of its poison; but had occasionally;
especially at night; been visited by a grinding pain in the
stomach; and my whole body had been suffused with cold sweat; and
indeed these memorials of the drow have never entirely disappeared
… even at the present time they display themselves in my system;
especially after much fatigue of body and excitement of mind。 So
there I sat in the dingle upon my stone; nerveless and hopeless; by
whatever cause or causes that state had been produced … there I sat
with my head leaning upon my hand; and so I continued a long; long
time。 At last I lifted my head from my hand; and began to cast
anxious; unquiet looks about the dingle … the entire hollow was now
enveloped in deep shade … I cast my eyes up; there was a golden
gleam on the tops of the trees which grew towards the upper parts
of the dingle; but lower down all was gloom and twilight … yet;
when I first sat down on my stone; the sun was right above the
dingle; illuminating all its depths by the rays which it cast
perpendicularly down … so I must have sat a long; long time upon my
stone。 And now; once more; I rested my head upon my hand; but
almost instantly lifted it again in a kind of fear; and began
looking at the objects before me … the forge; the tools; the
branches of the trees; endeavouring to follow their rows; till they
were lost in the darkness of the dingle; and now I found my right
hand grasping convulsively the three fore…fingers of the left;
first collectively; and then successively; wringing them till the
joints cracked; then I became quiet; but not for long。
Suddenly I started up; and could scarcely repress the shriek which
was rising to my lips。 Was it possible? Yes; all too certain; the
evil one was upon me; the inscrutable horror which I had felt in my
boyhood had once more taken possession of me。 I had thought that
it had forsaken me … that it would never visit me again; that I had
outgrown it; that I might almost bid defiance to it; and I had even
begun to think of it without horror; as we are in the habit of
doing of horrors of which we conceive we run no danger; and lo!
when least thought of; it had seized me again。 Every moment I felt
it gathering force; and making me more wholly its own。 What should
I do? … resist; of course; and I did resist。 I grasped; I tore;
and strove to fling it from me; but of what avail were my efforts?
I could only have got rid of it by getting rid of myself: it was a
part of myself; or rather it was all myself。 I rushed amongst the
trees; and struck at them with my bare fists; and dashed my head
against them; but I felt no pain。 How could I feel pain with that
horror upon me? And then I flung myself on the ground; gnawed the
earth; and swallowed it; and then I looked round; it was almost
total darkness in the dingle; and the darkness added to my horror。
I could no longer stay there; up I rose from the ground; and
attempted to escape。 At the bottom of the winding path which led
up the acclivity I fell over something which was lying on the
ground; the something moved; and gave a kind of whine。 It was my
little horse; which had made that place its lair; my little horse;
my only companion and friend in that now awful solitude。 I reached
the mouth of the dingle; the sun was just sinking in the far west
behind me; the fields were flooded with his last gleams。 How
beautiful everything looked in the last gleams of the sun! I felt
relieved for a moment; I was no longer in the horrid dingle。 In
another minute the sun was gone; and a big cloud occupied the place
where he had been: in a little time it was almost as dark as it
had previously been in the open part of the dingle。 My horror
increased; what was I to do? … it was of no use fighting against
the horror … that I saw; the more I fought against it; the stronger
it became。 What should I do: say my prayers? Ah! why not? So I
knelt down under the hedge; and said; 'Our Father'; but that was of
no use; and now I could no longer repress cries … the horror was
too great to be borne。 What should I do? run to the nearest town
or village; and request the assistance of my fellow…men? No! that
I was ashamed to do; notwithstanding the horror was upon me; I was
ashamed to do that。 I knew they would consider me a maniac; if I
went screaming amongst them; and I did not wish to be considered a
maniac。 Moreover; I knew that I was not a maniac; for I possessed
all my reasoning powers; only the horror was upon me … the
screaming horror! But how were indifferent people to distinguish
between madness and the screaming horror? So I thought and
reasoned; and at last I determined not to go amongst my fellow…men;
whatever the result might be。 I went to the mouth of the dingle;
and there; placing myself on my knees; I again said the Lord's
Prayer; but it was of no use … praying seemed to have no effect
over the horror; the unutterable fear appeared rather to increase
than diminish; and I again uttered wild cries; so loud that I was
apprehensive they would be heard by some chance passenger on the
neighbouring road; I therefore went deeper into the dingle。 I sat
down with my back against a thorn bush; the thorns entered my
flesh; and when I felt them; I pressed harder against the bush; I
thought the pain of the flesh might in some degree counteract the
mental agony; presently I felt them no longer … the power of the
mental horror was so great that it was impossible; with that upon
me; to feel any pain from the thorns。 I continued in this posture
a long time; undergoing what I cannot describe; and would not
attempt if I were able。 Several times I was on the point of
starting up and rushing anywhere; but I restrained myself; for I
knew I could not escape from myself; so why should I not remain in
the dingle? So I thought and said to myself; for my reasoning
powers were still uninjured。 At last it appeared to me that the
horror was not so strong; not quite so strong; upon me。 Was it
possible that it was relaxing its grasp; releasing its prey? Oh
what a mercy! but it could not be; and yet … I looked up to heaven;
and clasped my hands; and said; 'Our Father。' I said no more … I
was too agitated; and now I was almost sure that the horror had
done its worst。
After a little time I arose; and staggered down yet farther into
the dingle。 I again found my little horse on the same spot as
before。 I put my hand to his mouth … he licked my hand。 I flung
myself down by him; and put my arms round his neck; the creature
whinnied; and appeared to sympathise with me。 What a comfort to
have any one; even a dumb brute; to sympathise with me at such a
moment! I clung to my little horse; as if for safety and
protection。 I laid my head on his neck; and felt almost calm。
Presently the fear returned; but not so wild as before; it
subsided; came again; again subsided; then drowsiness came over me;
and at last I fell asleep; my head supported on the neck of the
little horse。 I awoke; it was dark; dark night … not a star was to
be seen … but I felt no fear; the horror had left me。 I arose from
the side of the little horse; and went into my tent; lay down; and
again went to sleep。
I awoke in the morning weak and sore; and shuddering at the
remembrance of what I had gone through on the preceding day; the
sun was shining brightly; but it had not yet risen high enough to
show its head above the trees which fenced the eastern side of the
dingle; on which account the dingle was wet and dank from the dews
of the night。 I kindled my fire; and; after sitting by it for some
time to warm my frame; I took some of the coarse food which I have
already mentioned; notwithstanding my late struggle; and the
coarseness of the fare; I ate with appetite。 My provisions had by
this time been very much diminished; and I saw that it wo