第 114 节
作者:恐龙王      更新:2021-02-21 15:32      字数:9322
  state in which I then felt myself。  It is not improbable that my
  energies had been overstrained during the work the progress of
  which I have attempted to describe; and every one is aware that the
  results of overstrained energies are feebleness and lassitude …
  want of nourishment might likewise have something to do with it。
  During my sojourn in the dingle; my food had been of the simplest
  and most unsatisfying description; by no means calculated to
  support the exertion which the labour I had been engaged upon
  required; it had consisted of coarse oaten cakes and hard cheese;
  and for beverage I had been indebted to a neighbouring pit; in
  which; in the heat of the day; I frequently saw; not golden or
  silver fish; but frogs and eftes swimming about。  I am; however;
  inclined to believe that Mrs。 Herne's cake had quite as much to do
  with the matter as insufficient nourishment。  I had never entirely
  recovered from the effects of its poison; but had occasionally;
  especially at night; been visited by a grinding pain in the
  stomach; and my whole body had been suffused with cold sweat; and
  indeed these memorials of the drow have never entirely disappeared
  … even at the present time they display themselves in my system;
  especially after much fatigue of body and excitement of mind。  So
  there I sat in the dingle upon my stone; nerveless and hopeless; by
  whatever cause or causes that state had been produced … there I sat
  with my head leaning upon my hand; and so I continued a long; long
  time。  At last I lifted my head from my hand; and began to cast
  anxious; unquiet looks about the dingle … the entire hollow was now
  enveloped in deep shade … I cast my eyes up; there was a golden
  gleam on the tops of the trees which grew towards the upper parts
  of the dingle; but lower down all was gloom and twilight … yet;
  when I first sat down on my stone; the sun was right above the
  dingle; illuminating all its depths by the rays which it cast
  perpendicularly down … so I must have sat a long; long time upon my
  stone。  And now; once more; I rested my head upon my hand; but
  almost instantly lifted it again in a kind of fear; and began
  looking at the objects before me … the forge; the tools; the
  branches of the trees; endeavouring to follow their rows; till they
  were lost in the darkness of the dingle; and now I found my right
  hand grasping convulsively the three fore…fingers of the left;
  first collectively; and then successively; wringing them till the
  joints cracked; then I became quiet; but not for long。
  Suddenly I started up; and could scarcely repress the shriek which
  was rising to my lips。  Was it possible?  Yes; all too certain; the
  evil one was upon me; the inscrutable horror which I had felt in my
  boyhood had once more taken possession of me。  I had thought that
  it had forsaken me … that it would never visit me again; that I had
  outgrown it; that I might almost bid defiance to it; and I had even
  begun to think of it without horror; as we are in the habit of
  doing of horrors of which we conceive we run no danger; and lo!
  when least thought of; it had seized me again。  Every moment I felt
  it gathering force; and making me more wholly its own。  What should
  I do? … resist; of course; and I did resist。  I grasped; I tore;
  and strove to fling it from me; but of what avail were my efforts?
  I could only have got rid of it by getting rid of myself:  it was a
  part of myself; or rather it was all myself。  I rushed amongst the
  trees; and struck at them with my bare fists; and dashed my head
  against them; but I felt no pain。  How could I feel pain with that
  horror upon me?  And then I flung myself on the ground; gnawed the
  earth; and swallowed it; and then I looked round; it was almost
  total darkness in the dingle; and the darkness added to my horror。
  I could no longer stay there; up I rose from the ground; and
  attempted to escape。  At the bottom of the winding path which led
  up the acclivity I fell over something which was lying on the
  ground; the something moved; and gave a kind of whine。  It was my
  little horse; which had made that place its lair; my little horse;
  my only companion and friend in that now awful solitude。  I reached
  the mouth of the dingle; the sun was just sinking in the far west
  behind me; the fields were flooded with his last gleams。  How
  beautiful everything looked in the last gleams of the sun!  I felt
  relieved for a moment; I was no longer in the horrid dingle。  In
  another minute the sun was gone; and a big cloud occupied the place
  where he had been:  in a little time it was almost as dark as it
  had previously been in the open part of the dingle。  My horror
  increased; what was I to do? … it was of no use fighting against
  the horror … that I saw; the more I fought against it; the stronger
  it became。  What should I do:  say my prayers?  Ah! why not?  So I
  knelt down under the hedge; and said; 'Our Father'; but that was of
  no use; and now I could no longer repress cries … the horror was
  too great to be borne。  What should I do? run to the nearest town
  or village; and request the assistance of my fellow…men?  No! that
  I was ashamed to do; notwithstanding the horror was upon me; I was
  ashamed to do that。  I knew they would consider me a maniac; if I
  went screaming amongst them; and I did not wish to be considered a
  maniac。  Moreover; I knew that I was not a maniac; for I possessed
  all my reasoning powers; only the horror was upon me … the
  screaming horror!  But how were indifferent people to distinguish
  between madness and the screaming horror?  So I thought and
  reasoned; and at last I determined not to go amongst my fellow…men;
  whatever the result might be。  I went to the mouth of the dingle;
  and there; placing myself on my knees; I again said the Lord's
  Prayer; but it was of no use … praying seemed to have no effect
  over the horror; the unutterable fear appeared rather to increase
  than diminish; and I again uttered wild cries; so loud that I was
  apprehensive they would be heard by some chance passenger on the
  neighbouring road; I therefore went deeper into the dingle。  I sat
  down with my back against a thorn bush; the thorns entered my
  flesh; and when I felt them; I pressed harder against the bush; I
  thought the pain of the flesh might in some degree counteract the
  mental agony; presently I felt them no longer … the power of the
  mental horror was so great that it was impossible; with that upon
  me; to feel any pain from the thorns。  I continued in this posture
  a long time; undergoing what I cannot describe; and would not
  attempt if I were able。  Several times I was on the point of
  starting up and rushing anywhere; but I restrained myself; for I
  knew I could not escape from myself; so why should I not remain in
  the dingle?  So I thought and said to myself; for my reasoning
  powers were still uninjured。  At last it appeared to me that the
  horror was not so strong; not quite so strong; upon me。  Was it
  possible that it was relaxing its grasp; releasing its prey?  Oh
  what a mercy! but it could not be; and yet … I looked up to heaven;
  and clasped my hands; and said; 'Our Father。'  I said no more … I
  was too agitated; and now I was almost sure that the horror had
  done its worst。
  After a little time I arose; and staggered down yet farther into
  the dingle。  I again found my little horse on the same spot as
  before。  I put my hand to his mouth … he licked my hand。  I flung
  myself down by him; and put my arms round his neck; the creature
  whinnied; and appeared to sympathise with me。  What a comfort to
  have any one; even a dumb brute; to sympathise with me at such a
  moment!  I clung to my little horse; as if for safety and
  protection。  I laid my head on his neck; and felt almost calm。
  Presently the fear returned; but not so wild as before; it
  subsided; came again; again subsided; then drowsiness came over me;
  and at last I fell asleep; my head supported on the neck of the
  little horse。  I awoke; it was dark; dark night … not a star was to
  be seen … but I felt no fear; the horror had left me。  I arose from
  the side of the little horse; and went into my tent; lay down; and
  again went to sleep。
  I awoke in the morning weak and sore; and shuddering at the
  remembrance of what I had gone through on the preceding day; the
  sun was shining brightly; but it had not yet risen high enough to
  show its head above the trees which fenced the eastern side of the
  dingle; on which account the dingle was wet and dank from the dews
  of the night。  I kindled my fire; and; after sitting by it for some
  time to warm my frame; I took some of the coarse food which I have
  already mentioned; notwithstanding my late struggle; and the
  coarseness of the fare; I ate with appetite。  My provisions had by
  this time been very much diminished; and I saw that it wo