第 43 节
作者:打倒一切      更新:2021-02-21 13:16      字数:9322
  him if I wished to。''
  ‘‘He IS a temptation;'' said Cyrilla。  ‘‘That is; his money isand he personally is very nice。''
  ‘‘I married a man I didn't care for;'' pursued Mildred。  ‘‘I don't want ever to do that again。  It is even in the best circumstancesnot agreeable; not as simple as it looks to the inexperienced girls who are always doing it。''
  ‘‘Still; a woman can endure that sort of thing;'' said Mrs。 Brindley; ‘‘unless she happens to be in love with another man。''  She was observing the unconscious Mildred narrowly; a state of inward tension and excitement hinted in her face; but not in her voice。
  ‘‘That's just it?'' said Mildred; her face carefully averted。  ‘‘II happen to be in love with another man。''
  A spasm of pain crossed Cyrilla's face。
  ‘‘A man who cares nothing about meand never will。  He's just a friendso much the friend that he couldn't possibly think of me asas a woman; needing him and wanting him''her eyes were on fire now; and a soft glow had come into her cheeks‘‘and never daring to show it because if I did he would fly and never let me see him again。''
  Cyrilla Brindley's face was tragic as she looked at the beautiful girl; so gracefully adjusted to the big chair。  She sighed covertly。  ‘‘You are lovely;'' she said; ‘‘and youngabove all; young。''
  ‘‘This man is peculiar;'' replied Mildred forlornly。 ‘‘Anyhow; he doesn't want ME。  He knows me for the futile; weak; worthless creature I am。  He saw through my bluff; even before I saw through it myself。  If it weren't for him; I could go aheaddo the sensible thingdo as women usually do。  But''  She came to a full stop。
  ‘‘Love is a woman's sense of honor;'' said Cyrilla softly。  ‘‘We're merciless and unscrupulousanything everythingwhere we don't love。  But where we do love; we'll go farther for honor than the most honorable man。  That's why we're both worse and better than menand seem to be so contradictory and puzzling。''
  ‘‘I'd do anything for him;'' said Mildred。  She smiled drearily。  ‘‘And he wants nothing。''
  She had nothing more to say。  She had talked herself out about Stanley; and her mind was now filled with thoughts that could not be spoken。  As she rose to go to bed; she looked appealingly at Cyrilla。  Then; with a sudden and shy rush she flung her arms round her and kissed her。  ‘‘Thank youso much;'' she said。 ‘‘You've done me a world of good。  Saying it all out loud before YOU has made me see。  I know my own mind; now。''
  She did not note the pathetic tenderness of Cyrilla's face as she said; ‘‘Good night; Mildred。''  But she did note the use of her first nameand her own right first namefor the first time since they had known each other。  She embraced and kissed her again。  ‘‘Good night; Cyrilla;'' she said gratefully。
  As she entered Jennings's studio the next day he looked at her; and when Jennings looked; he sawas must anyone who lives well by playing upon human nature。 He did not like her expression。  She did not habitually smile; her light…heartedness; her optimism; did not show themselves in that inane way。  But this seriousness of hers was of a new kind; of the kind that bespeaks sobriety and saneness of soul。  And that kind of seriousness the deep; inward gravity of a person whose days of trifling with themselves and with the facts of life; and of being trifled with; are overwould have impressed Jennings equally had she come in laughing; had her every word been a jest。
  ‘‘No; I didn't come for a lessonat least not the usual kind;'' said she。
  He was not one to yield without a struggle。  Also he wished to feel his way to the meaning of this new mood。  He put her music on the rack。  ‘‘We'll begin where we''
  ‘‘This half…hour of your time is mine; is it not?'' said she quietly。  ‘‘Let's not waste any of it。  Yesterday you told me that I could not hope to make a career because my voice is unreliable。  Why is it unreliable?''
  ‘‘Because you have a delicate throat;'' replied he; yielding at once where he instinctively knew he could not win。
  ‘‘Then why can I sing so well sometimes?''
  ‘‘Because your throat is in good condition some days in perfect condition。''
  ‘‘It's the colds thenand the slight attacks of colds?''
  ‘‘Certainly。''
  ‘‘If I did not catch coldsif I kept perfectly well could I rely on my voice?''
  ‘‘But that's impossible;'' said he。
  ‘‘Why?''
  ‘‘You're not strong enough。''
  ‘‘Then I haven't the physical strength for a career?''
  ‘‘Thatand also you are lacking in muscular development。  But after several years of lessons''
  ‘‘If I developed my musclesif I became strong''
  ‘‘Most of the great singers come from the lower classesfrom people who do manual labor。  They did manual labor in their youth。  You girls of the better class have to overcome that handicap。''
  ‘‘But so many of the great singers are fat。''
  ‘‘Yes; and under that fat you'll find great ropes of musclelike a blacksmith。''
  ‘‘What Keith meant;'' she said。  ‘‘I wonder Why do I catch cold so easily?  Why do I almost always have a slight catch in the throat?  Have you noticed that I nearly always have to clear my throat just a little?''
  Her expression held him。  He hesitated; tried to evade; gave it up。  ‘‘Until that passes; you can never hope to be a thoroughly reliable singer;'' said he。
  ‘‘That is; I can't hope to make a career?''
  His silence was assent。
  ‘‘But I have the voice?''
  ‘‘You have the voice。''
  ‘‘An unusual voice?''
  ‘‘Yes; but not so unusual as might be thought。  As a matter of fact; there are thousands of fine voices。 The trouble is in reliability。  Only a few are reliable。''
  She nodded slowly and thoughtfully。  ‘‘I begin to understand what Mr。 Keith meant;'' she said。  ‘‘I begin to see what I have to do; and howhow impossible it is。''
  ‘‘By no means;'' declared Jennings。  ‘‘If I did not think otherwise; I'd not be giving my time to you。''
  She looked at him gravely。  His eyes shifted; then returned defiantly; aggressively。  She said:
  ‘‘You can't help me to what I want。  So this is my last lessonfor the present。  I may come back some daywhen I am ready for what you have to give。''
  ‘‘You are going to give up?''
  ‘‘Oh; nooh; dear me; no;'' replied she。  ‘‘I realize that you're laughing in your sleeve as I say so; because you think I'll never get anywhere。  But youand Mr。 Keithmay be mistaken。''  She drew from her muff a piece of musicthe ‘‘Batti Batti;'' from ‘‘Don Giovanni。''  ‘‘If you please;'' said she; ‘‘we'll spend the rest of my time in going over this。  I want to be able to sing it as well as possible。''
  He looked searchingly at her。  ‘‘If you wish;'' said he。  ‘‘But I doubt if you'll be able to sing at all。''
  ‘‘On the contrary; my cold's entirely gone;'' replied she。  ‘‘I had an exciting evening; I doctored myself before I went to bed; and three or four times in the night。 I found; this morning; that I could sing。''
  And it was so。  Never had she sung better。  ‘‘Like a true artist!'' he declared with an enthusiasm that had a foundation of sincerity。  ‘‘You know; Miss Stevens; you came very near to having that rarest of all gifts a naturally placed voice。  If you hadn't had singing teachers as a girl to make you self…conscious and to teach you wrong; you'd have been a wonder。''
  ‘‘I may get it back;'' said Mildred。
  ‘‘That never happens;'' replied he。  ‘‘But I can almost do it。''
  He coached her for half an hour straight ahead; sending the next pupil into the adjoining rooman unprecedented transgression of routine。  He showed her for the first time what a teacher he could be; when he wished。  There was an astonishing difference between her first singing of the song and her sixth and lastfor they went through it carefully five times。  She thanked him and then put out her hand; saying:
  ‘‘This is a long good…by。''
  ‘‘To…morrow;'' replied he; ignoring her hand。
  ‘‘No。  My money is all gone。  Besides; I have no time for amateur trifling。''
  ‘‘Your lessons are paid for until the end of the month。  This is only the nineteenth。''
  ‘‘Then you are so much in。''  Again she put out her hand。
  He took it。  ‘‘You owe me an explanation。''
  She smiled mockingly。  ‘‘As a friend of mine says; don't ask questions to which you already know the answer。''
  And she departed; the smile still on her charming face; but the new seriousness beneath it。  As she had anticipated; she found Stanley Baird waiting for her in the drawing…room of the apartment。  Being by habit much interested in his own emotions and not at all in the emotions of others; he saw only the healthful radiance the sharp October air had put into her cheeks and eyes。  Certainly; to look at Mildred Gower was to get no impression of lack of health and strength。  Her glance wavered a little at sight of him; then the expression of firmness came back。
  ‘‘You look like that picture you gave me a long time ago;'' said he。  ‘‘Do you remember it?''
  She did not。
  ‘‘It has adifferent expression;'' he went on。  ‘‘I don't think I'd have noticed it but for Keith。  I happened to show it to him one day; and he stared at it in that way he hasyou know?''
  ‘‘Yes; I know;'' said Mildred。  She was seeing those uncanny; brilliant; penetrating eyes; in such startling contrast to the calm; lifeless coloring an