The　Complete　Works　of　Artemus　Ward；　Part　2
  by　Charles　Farrar　Browne
  With　a　biographical　sketch　by　Melville　D。　Landon；　〃Eli　Perkins〃
  CONTENTS。
  PART　II。
  War。
  2。1。　　The　Show　is　Confiscated。
  2。2。　　Thrilling　Scenes　in　Dixie。
  2。3。　　Fourth　of　July　Oration。
  2。4。　　The　War　Fever　in　Baldinsville。
  2。5。　　A　War　Meeting。
  2。6。　　The　Draft　in　Baldinsville。
  2。7。　　Surrender　of　Cornwallis。
  2。8。　　Things　in　New　York。
  2。9。　　Touching　Letter　from　a　Gory　Member　Of　The　Home　Guard
  2。10。　　In　Canada。
  2。11。　　The　Noble　Red　Man。
  2。12。　　Artemus　Ward　in　Richmond。
  2。13。　　Artemus　Ward　to　the　Prince　of　Wales。
  PART　II。　　WAR。
  2。1。　　THE　SHOW　IS　CONFISCATED。
  You　hav　perhaps　wondered　wharebouts　I　was　for　these　many　dase
  gone　and　past。　　Perchans　you　sposed　I'd　gone　to　the　Tomb　of
  the　Cappylets；　tho　I　don't　know　what　those　is。　　It's　a　popler
  noospaper　frase。
  Listen　to　my　tail；　and　be　silent　that　ye　may　here　I've　been
  among　the　Seseshers；　a　earnin　my　daily　peck　by　my　legitimit
  perfeshun；　and　havn't　had　no　time　to　weeld　my　facile　quill　for
  〃the　Grate　Komick　paper；〃　if　you'll　allow　me　to　kote　from　your
  troothful　advertisement。
  My　success　was　skaly；　and　I　likewise　had　a　narrer　scape　of　my
  life。　　If　what　I've　bin　threw　is　〃Suthren　hosspitality；〃　'bout
  which　we've　hearn　so　much；　then　I　feel　bound　to　obsarve　that
  they　made　two　much　of　me。　　They　was　altogether　two　lavish　with
  their　attenshuns。
  I　went　amung　the　Seseshers　with　no　feelins　of　annermosity。　　I
  went　in　my　perfeshernal　capacity。　　I　was　actooated　by　one　of
  the　most　Loftiest　desires　which　can　swell　the　human　Buzzum；
  viz。：to　giv　the　peeple　their　money's　worth；　by　showin　them
  Sagashus　Beests；　and　Wax　Statoots；　which　I　venter　to　say　air
  onsurpast　by　any　other　statoots　anywheres。　　I　will　not　call
  that　man　who　sez　my　statoots　is　humbugs　a　lier　and　a　hoss
  thief；　but　bring　him　be4　me　and　I'll　wither　him　with　one　of　my
  scornful　frowns。
  But　to　proseed　with　my　tail。　　In　my　travels　threw　the　Sonny
  South　I　heared　a　heap　of　talk　about　Seceshon　and　bustin　up　the
  Union；　but　I　didn't　think　it　mounted　to　nothin。　　The
  politicians　in　all　the　villages　was　swearin　that　Old　Abe
  （sometimes　called　the　Prahayrie　flower）　shouldn't　never　be
  noggerated。　　They　also　made　fools　of　theirselves　in　varis
  ways；　but　as　they　was　used　to　that　I　didn't　let　it　worry　me
  much；　and　the　Stars　and　Stripes　continued　for　to　wave　over　my
  little　tent。　　Moor　over；　I　was　a　Son　of　Malty　and　a　member　of
  several　other　Temperance　Societies；　and　my　wife　she　was　a
  Dawter　of　Malty；　an　I　sposed　these　fax　would　secoor　me　the
  infloonz　and　pertectiun　of　all　the　fust　families。　　Alas！　　I
  was　dispinted。　　State　arter　State　seseshed　and　it　growed
  hotter　and　hotter　for　the　undersined。　　Things　came　to　a
  climbmacks　in　a　small　town　in　Alabamy；　where　I　was　premtorally
  ordered　to　haul　down　the　Stars　&　Stripes。　　A　deppytashun　of
  red…faced　men　cum　up　to　the　door　of　my　tent　ware　I　was　standin
  takin　money　（the　arternoon　exhibishun　had　commenst；　an'　my
  Italyun　organist　was　jerkin　his　sole…stirrin　chimes。）　　〃We　air
  cum；　Sir；〃　said　a　millingtary　man　in　a　cockt　hat；　〃upon　a　hi
  and　holy　mishun。　　The　Southern　Eagle　is　screamin　threwout　this
  sunny　landproudly　and　defiantly　screamin；　Sir！〃
  〃What's　the　matter　with　him？〃　sez　I；　〃don't　his　vittles　sit
  well　on　his　stummick？〃
  〃That　Eagle；　Sir；　will　continner　to　scream　all　over　this　Brite
  and　tremenjus　land！〃
  〃Wall；　let　him　SCREAM。　　If　your　Eagle　can　amuse　hisself　by
  screamin；　let　him　went！〃　　The　men　anoyed　me；　for　I　was　Bizzy
  makin　change。
  〃We　are　cum；　Sir；　upon　a　matter　of　dooty〃
  〃You're　right；　Capting。　　It's　every　man's　dooty　to　visit　my
  show；〃　said　I。
  〃We　air　cum〃
  〃And　that's　the　reason　you　are　here！〃　sez　I；　larfin　one　of　my
  silvery　larfs。　　I　thawt　if　he　wanted　to　goak　I'd　giv　him　sum
  of　my　sparklin　eppygrams。
  〃Sir；　you're　inserlent。　　The　plain　question　is；　will　you　haul
  down　the　Star…Spangled　Banner；　and　hist　the　Southern　flag！〃
  〃Nary　hist！〃　　Those　was　my　reply。
  〃Your　wax　works　and　beests　is　then　confisticated；　&　you　air
  arrested　as　a　Spy！〃
  Sez　I；　〃My　fragrant　roses　of　the　Southern　clime　and　Bloomin
  daffodils；　what's　the　price　of　whisky　in　this　town；　and　how
  many　cubic　feet　of　that　seductive　flooid　can　you　individooally
  hold？〃
  They　made　no　reply　to　that；　but　said　my　wax　figgers　was
  confisticated。　　I　axed　them　if　that　was　ginerally　the　stile
  among　thieves　in　that　country；　to　which　they　also　made　no
  reply；　but　said　I　was　arrested　as　a　Spy；　and　must　go　to
  Montgomry　in　iuns。　　They　was　by　this　time　jined　by　a　large
  crowd　of　other　Southern　patrits；　who　commenst　hollerin　〃Hang
  the　baldheaded　aberlitionist；　and　bust　up　his　immoral
  exhibition！〃　　I　was　ceased　and　tied　to　a　stump；　and　the　crowd
  went　for　my　tentthat　water…proof　pavilion；　wherein
  instruction　and　amoosment　had　been　so　muchly　combined；　at　15
  cents　per　headand　tore　it　all　to　pieces。　　Meanwhile　dirty…
  faced　boys　was　throwin　stuns　and　empty　beer　bottles　at　my
  massiv　brow；　and　takin　other　improper　liberties　with　my
  person。　　Resistance　was　useless；　for　a　varity　of　reasons；　as　I
  readily　obsarved。
  The　Seseshers　confisticated　my　statoots　by　smashin　them　to
  attums。　　They　then　went　to　my　money　box　and　confisticated　all
  the　loose　change　therein　contaned。　　They　then　went　and　bust　in
  my　cages；　lettin　all　the　animils　loose；　a　small　but　helthy
  tiger　among　the　rest。　　This　tiger　has　a　excentric　way　of
  tearin　dogs　to　peaces；　and　I　allers　sposed　from　his　gineral
  conduck　that　he'd　hav　no　hesitashun　in　servin　human　beins　in
  the　same　way　if　he　could　get　at　them。　　Excuse　me　if　I　was
  crooil；　but　I　larfed　boysterrusly　when　I　see　that　tiger　spring
  in　among　the　people。　　〃Go　it；　my　sweet　cuss！〃　I　inardly
  exclaimed。　　〃I　forgive　you　for　bitin　off　my　left　thum　with　all
  my　heart！　　Rip　'em　up　like　a　bully　tiger　whose　Lare　has　bin
  inwaded　by　Seseshers！〃
  I　can't　say　for　certain　that　the　tiger　serisly　injured　any　of
  them；　but　as　he　was　seen　a　few　days　after；　sum　miles　distant；
  with　a　large　and　well　selected　assortment　of　seats　of　trowsis
  in　his　mouth；　and　as　he　lookt　as　tho　he'd　been　havin　sum
  vilent　exercise；　I　rayther　guess　he　did。　　You　will　therefore
  perceive　that　they　didn't　confisticate　him　much。
  I　was　carried　to　Montgomry　in　iuns　and　placed　in　durans　vial。
  The　jail　was　a　ornery　edifiss；　but　the　table　was　librally
  surplied　with　Bakin　an　Cabbidge。　　This　was　a　good　variety；　for
  when　I　didn't　hanker　after　Bakin　I　could　help　myself　to　the
  cabbige。
  I　had　nobody　to　talk　to　nor　nothin　to　talk　about；　howsever；
  and　I　was　very　lonely；　specially　on　the　first　day；　so　when　the
  jailer　parst　my　lonely　sell　I　put　the　few　stray　hairs　on　the
  back　part　of　my　hed　（I'm　bald　now；　but　thare　was　a　time　when　I
  wore　sweet　auburn　ringlets）　into　as　dish…hevild　a　state　as
  possible；　&　rollin　my　eyes　like　a　manyyuck；　I　cride：　　〃Stay；
  jaler；　stay！　　I　am　not　mad；　but　soon　shall　be　if　you　don't
  bring　me　suthin　to　Talk！〃　　He　brung　me　sum　noospapers；　for
  which　I　thanked　him　kindly。
  At　larst　I　got　a　interview　with　Jefferson　Davis；　the　President
  of　the　Southern　Conthieveracy。　　He　was　quite　perlite；　and　axed
  me　to　sit　down　and　state　my　case。　　I　did　it；　when　he　larfed
  and　said　his　gallunt　men　had　been　a　little　2　enthoosiastic　in
  confisticatin　my　show。
  〃Yes；〃　sez　I；　〃they　confisticated　me　too　muchly。　　I　had　sum
  hosses　confisticated　in　the　same　way　onct；　but　the
  confisticaters　air　now　poundin　stun　in　the　States　Prison　in
  Injinnapylus。〃
  〃Wall；　wall　Mister　Ward；　you　air　at　liberty　to　depart；　you　air
  friendly　to　the　South；　I　know。　　Even　now　we　hav　many　frens　in
  the　North；　who　sympathize　with　us；　and　won't　mingle　with　this
  fight。〃
  〃J。　Davis；　there's　your　grate　mistaik。　　Many　of　us　was　your
  sincere　frends；　and　thought　certin　parties　amung　us　was　fussin
  about　you　and　meddlin　with　your　consarns　intirely　too　much。
  But　J。　Davis；　the　minit　you　fire　a　gun　at　the　piece　of　dry…
  goods　called　the　Star…Spangled　Banner；　the　North　gits　up　and
  rises　en　massy；　in　defence　of　that　banner。　　Not　agin　you　as
  individooals；not　agin　the　South　evenbut　to　save　the　flag。
  We　should　indeed　be　weak　in　the　knees；　unsound　in　the　heart；
  milk…white　in　the　liver；　and　soft　in　the　hed；　if　we　stood
  quietly　by；　and　saw　this　glorus　Govyment　smashed　to　pieces；
  either　by　a　furrin　or　a　intestine　foe。　　The　gentle…harted
  mother　hates　to　take　her　naughty　child　across　her　knee；　but
  she　knows　it　is　her　dooty　to　do　it。　　So　we　shall　hate　to　whip
  the　naughty　South；　but　we　must　do　it　if　you　don't　make　back
  tracks　at　onct；　and　we　shall　wallup　you　out　of　your　boots！　　J。
  Davis；　it　is　my　decided　opinion　that　the　Sonny　South　is　makin
  a　egrejus　mutton…hed　of　herself！〃
  〃Go　on；　sir；　you're　safe　enuff。　　You're　two　small　powder　for
  me！〃　sed　the　President　of　the　Southern　Conthieveracy。
  〃Wait　till　I　go　home　and　start　out　the　Baldinsville　Mounted
  Hoss　Cavalry！　　I'm　Capting　of　that　Corpse；　I　am；　and　J。　Davis；
  beware！　　Jefferson　D。；　I　now　leave　you！　　Farewell　my　gay　Saler
  Boy！　　Good…bye；　my　bold　buccaneer！　　Pirut　of　the　deep　blue
  sea；　adoo！　adoo！〃
  My　tower　threw　the　Southern　Conthieveracy　on　my　way　home　was
  thrillin　enuff　for　yeller　covers。　　It　will　form　the