第 45 节
作者:
击水三千 更新:2021-02-20 15:21 字数:9322
She seated herself deliberately。
After he had waited in vain for her to speak; he went on: 〃If you married me; I know you'd play square。 I could trust you absolutely。 I don't knowcan't find out much about youbut at least I know that。〃
〃But I don't love you;〃 said she。
〃You needn't remind me of it;〃 rejoined he curtly。
〃I don't think soso poorly of you as I used to;〃 she went on。 〃I understand a lot of things better than I did。 But I don't love you; and I feel that I never could。〃
〃I'll risk that;〃 said Norman。 Through his clinched teeth; 〃I've got to risk it。〃
〃I'd be marrying you because I don't feel able to to make my own way。〃
〃That's the reason most girls have for marrying;〃 said he。 〃Love comes afterwardif it comes。 And it's the more likely to come for the girl not having faked the man and herself beforehand。〃
She glanced at the clock。 He frowned。 She started up。 〃You MUST go;〃 she said。
〃What is your answer?〃
〃Oh; I couldn't decide so quickly。 I must think。〃
〃You mean you must see your young man again see whether there isn't some way of working it out with him。〃
〃That; too;〃 replied she simply。 〃Butit's nearly four o'clock〃
〃I'll come back at seven for my answer。〃
〃No; I'll write you to…night。〃
〃I must know at once。 This suspense has got to end。 It unfits me for everything。〃
〃I'llI'll decideto…night;〃 she said; with a queer catch in her voice。 〃You'll get the letter in the morning mail。〃
〃Very well。〃 And he gave her his club address。
She opened the door in her impatience to be rid of him。 He went with a hasty 〃Good…by〃 which she echoed as she closed the door。
When he left the house he saw standing on the curb before it a tall; good…looking young manwith a frank amiable face。 He hesitated; glowering at the young man's profile。 Then he went his way; suffocating with jealous anger; depressed; despondent; fit for nothing but to drink and to brood in fatuous futility。
XVI
UNTIL very recently indeed psychology was not an ology at all but an indefinite something or other 〃up in the air;〃 the sport of the winds and fogs of transcendental tommy rot。 Now; however; science has drawn it down; has fitted it in its proper place as a branch of physiology。 And we are beginning to have a clearer understanding of the thoughts and the thought…producing actions of ourselves and our fellow beings。 Soon it will be no longer possible for the historian and the novelist; the dramatist; the poet; the painter or sculptor to present in all seriousness as instances of sane human conduct; the aberrations resulting from various forms of disease ranging from indigestion in its mild; temper… breeding forms to acute homicidal or suicidal mania。 In that day of greater enlightenment a large body of now much esteemed art will become ridiculous。 Practically all the literature of strenuous passion will go by the board or will be relegated to the medical library where it belongs; and it; and the annals of violence found in the daily newspapers of our remote time will be cited as documentary proof of the low economic and hygienic conditions prevailing in that almost barbarous period。 For certain it is that the human animal when healthy and well fed is invariably peaceable and kindly and tolerantup to the limits of selfishness; and even encroaching upon those limits。
Of writing rubbish about love and passion there is no endand will be no end until the venerable traditional nonsense about those interesting emotions shares the fate that should overtake all the cobwebs of ignorance thickly clogging the windows and walls of the human mind。 Of all the fiddle…faddle concerning passion probably none is more shudderingly admired than the notion that one possessed of an overwhelming desire for another longs to destroy that other。 It is true there is a form of murderous mania that involves practically all the emotions; including of course the passionswhich are as readily subject to derangement as any other part of the human organism。 But passion in itselfeven when it is so powerful that it dominates the whole life; as in the case of Frederick Normanpassion in itself is not a form of mental derangement in the medical sense。 And it does not produce acute selfishness; paranoiac egotism; but a generous and beautiful kind of unselfishness。 Not from the first moment of Fred Norman's possession did he wish to injure or in any way to make unhappy the girl he loved。 He longed to be happy with her; to have her happy with and through him。 He represented his plotting to himself as a plan to make her happier than she ever had been; as for ultimate consequences; he refused to consider them。 The most hardened rake; when passion possesses him; wishes all happiness to the woman of his pursuit。 Indifference; coldnessthe natural hard…heartedness of the normal manreturns only when the inspiration and elevation of passion disappear in satiety。 The man or the woman who continues to inspire passion continues to inspire tenderness and considerateness。
So when Norman left Dorothy that Sunday afternoon; he; being a normal if sore beset human being; was soon in the throes of an agonized remorse。 There may have been some hypocrisy in it; some struggling to cover up the baser elements in his infatuation for her。 What human emotion of upward tendency has not at least a little of the varnish of hypocrisy on certain less presentable spots in it? But in the main it was a creditable; a manly remorse; and not altogether the writhings of jealousy and jealous fear of losing her。
He saw clearly that she was telling the truth; and telling it too gently; when she said he was responsible for her having standards of living which she could not unaided hope to attain。 It is a dreadful thing to interfere in the destiny of a fellow being。 We do it all the time; we do it lightly。 Nevertheless; it is a dreadful thingnot one that ought not to be done; but one that ought to be done only under imperative compulsion; and then with every precaution。 He had interfered in Dorothy Hallowell's destiny。 He had lifted her out of the dim obscure niche where she was ensconced in comparative contentment。 He had lifted her up where she had seen and felt the pleasures of a life of luxury。
〃But for me;〃 he said to himself; 〃she would now be marrying this poor young lawyer; or some chap of the same sort; and would be looking forward to a life of happiness in a little flat or suburban cottage。〃
If she should refuse his offerwhat then? Clearly he ought to do his best to help her to happiness with the other man。 He smiled cynically at the moral height to which his logic thus pointed the way。 Nevertheless; he did not turn away but surveyed itand there formed in his mind an impulse to make an effort to attempt that height; if Fate should rule against him with her。 〃If I were a really decent man;〃 thought he; 〃I'd sit down now and write her that I would not marry her but would give her young man a friendly hand in the law if she wished to marry him。〃 But he knew that such utter generosity was far beyond him。 〃Only a hero could do it;〃 said he; he added with what a sentimentalist might have called a return of his normal cynicism; 〃only a hero who really in the bottom of his heart didn't especially want the girl。〃 And a candid person of experience might possibly admit that there was more truth than cynicism in his look askance at the grand army of martyrs of renunciation; most of whom have simply given up something they didn't really want。
〃If she accepts me; I'll make it impossible for her not to be happy;〃 he said to himself; in all the fine unselfishness of passionnot divine unselfishness but humannot the kind we read about and pretend to have and get a savage attack of bruised vanity if we are accused of not having itno; but just the kind we have and show in our daily livesthe unselfishness of longing to make happy those whom it would make us happier to see happy。 〃She may think she cares for this young clerk〃 so ran his thoughts〃but she doesn't know her own mind。 When she is mine; I'll take her in hand as a gardener does a delicate rare flower and; by Heaven; how I shall make her blossom and bloom!〃
It would hardly be possible for a human being to pass a stormier night than was that night of his。 Alternations between hope and despairfantastic pictures of future with and without her; wild pleadings with herthose delirious transports to which our imaginations give way if we happen to be blessed and cursed with imaginationsin the security of the darkness and aloneness of night and bed。 And through it all he was tormented body and soul by her lovelinessher hair; her skin; her eyes; the shy; slender graces of her form He tossed about until his bed was so wildly disheveled that he had to rise and remake it。
When day came and the first mail; there was her letter on the salver of the boy entering the room。 He reached for it with eager; trembling arm; drew back。 〃Put it on the table;〃 he said。
The boy left。 He was alone。 Leaning upon his elbow in the bed he stared at the letter with hollow; terrified eyes。 It contained his destiny。 If she accepted; he would go up; for his soul sickness would be cured。 If she re