bedrooms
  THE　MANAGER。　There　are　basins　with　hot　and　cold　taps。
  ERMYNTRUDE　＇scornfully＇。　Yes：　there　WOULD　be。　Suppose　we　must　put
  up　with　that：　sinks　in　our　rooms；　and　pipes　that　rattle　and　bang
  and　guggle　all　over　the　house　whenever　anyone　washes　his　hands。　I
  know。
  THE　MANAGER　＇gallant＇。　You　are　hard　to　please；　mademoiselle。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　No　harder　than　other　people。　But　when　I'm　not　pleased
  I'm　not　too　ladylike　to　say　so。　That's　all　the　difference。　There
  is　nothing　more；　thank　you。
  The　Manager　shrugs　his　shoulders　resignedly；　makes　a　deep　bow　to
  the　Princess；　goes　to　the　door；　wafts　a　kiss　surreptitiously　to
  Ermyntrude；　and　goes　out。
  THE　PRINCESS。　It's　wonderful！　How　have　you　the　courage？
  ERMYNTRUDE。　In　Your　Highness's　service　I　know　no　fear。　Your
  Highness　can　leave　all　unpleasant　people　to　me。
  THE　PRINCESS。　How　I　wish　I　could！　The　most　dreadful　thing　of　all
  I　have　to　go　through　myself。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　Dare　I　ask　what　it　is；　Your　Highness？
  THE　PRINCESS。　I'm　going　to　be　married。　I'm　to　be　met　here　and
  married　to　a　man　I　never　saw。　A　boy！　A　boy　who　never　saw　me！　One
  of　the　sons　of　the　Inca　of　Perusalem。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　Indeed？　Which　son？
  THE　PRINCESS。　I　don't　know。　They　haven't　settled　which。　It's　a
  dreadful　thing　to　be　a　princess：　they　just　marry　you　to　anyone
  they　like。　The　Inca　is　to　come　and　look　at　me；　and　pick　out
  whichever　of　his　sons　he　thinks　will　suit。　And　then　I　shall　be　an
  alien　enemy　everywhere　except　in　Perusalem；　because　the　Inca　has
  made　war　on　everybody。　And　I　shall　have　to　pretend　that　everybody
  has　made　war　on　him。　It's　too　bad。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　Still；　a　husband　is　a　husband。　I　wish　I　had　one。
  THE　PRINCESS。　Oh；　how　can　you　say　that！　I'm　afraid　you're　not　a
  nice　woman。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　Your　Highness　is　provided　for。　I'm　not。
  THE　PRINCESS。　Even　if　you　could　bear　to　let　a　man　touch　you；　you
  shouldn't　say　so。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　I　shall　not　say　so　again；　Your　Highness；　except
  perhaps　to　the　man。
  THE　PRINCESS。　It's　too　dreadful　to　think　of。　I　wonder　you　can　be
  so　coarse。　I　really　don't　think　you'll　suit。　I　feel　sure　now　that
  you　know　more　about　men　than　you　should。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　I　am　a　widow；　Your　Highness。
  THE　PRINCESS　＇overwhelmed＇。　Oh；　I　BEG　your　pardon。　Of　course　I
  ought　to　have　known　you　would　not　have　spoken　like　that　if　you
  were　not　married。　That　makes　it　all　right；　doesn't　it？　I'm　so
  sorry。
  The　Manager　returns；　white；　scared；　hardly　able　to　speak。
  THE　MANAGER。　Your　Highness；　an　officer　asks　to　see　you　on　behalf
  of　the　Inca　of　Perusalem。
  THE　PRINCESS　＇rising　distractedly＇。　Oh；　I　can't；　really。　Oh；　what
  shall　I　do？
  THE　MANAGER。　On　important　business；　he　says；　Your　Highness。
  Captain　Duval。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　Duval！　Nonsense！　The　usual　thing。　It　is　the　Inca
  himself；　incognito。
  THE　PRINCESS。　Oh；　send　him　away。　Oh；　I'm　so　afraid　of　the　Inca。
  I'm　not　properly　dressed　to　receive　him；　and　he　is　so　particular：
  he　would　order　me　to　stay　in　my　room　for　a　week。　Tell　him　to　call
  tomorrow：　say　I'm　ill　in　bed。　I　can't：　I　won't：　I　daren't：　you
  must　get　rid　of　him　somehow。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　Leave　him　to　me；　Your　Highness。
  THE　PRINCESS。　You'd　never　dare！
  ERMYNTRUDE。　I　am　an　Englishwoman；　Your　Highess；　and　perfectly
  capable　of　tackling　ten　Incas　if　necessary。　I　will　arrange　the
  matter。　＇To　the　Manager。＇　Show　Her　Highness　to　her　bedroom；　and
  then　show　Captain　Duval　in　here。
  THE　PRINCESS。　Oh；　thank　you　so　much。　＇She　goes　to　the　door。
  Ermyntrude；　noticing　that　she　has　left　her　hat　and　gloves　on　the
  table；　runs　after　her　with　them。＇　Oh；　THANK　you。　And　oh；　please；
  if　I　must　have　one　of　his　sons；　I　should　like　a　fair　one　that
  doesn't　shave；　with　soft　hair　and　a　beard。　I　couldn't　bear　being
  kissed　by　a　bristly　person。　＇She　runs　out；　the　Manager　bowing　as
  she　passes。　He　follows　her。＇
  Ermyntrude　whips　off　her　waterproof；　hides　it；　and　gets　herself
  swiftly　into　perfect　trim　at　the　mirror；　before　the　Manager；　with
  a　large　jewel　case　in　his　hand；　returns；　ushering　in　the　Inca。
  THE　MANAGER。　Captain　Duval。
  The　Inca；　in　military　uniform；　advances　with　a　marked　and
  imposing　stage　walk；　stops；　orders　the　trembling　Manager　by　a
  gesture　to　place　the　jewel　case　on　the　table；　dismisses　him　with
  a　frown；　touches　his　helmet　graciously　to　Ermyntrude；　and　takes
  off　his　cloak。
  THE　INCA。　I　beg　you；　madam；　to　be　quite　at　your　ease；　and　to
  speak　to　me　without　ceremony。
  ERMYNTRUDE　＇moving　haughtily　and　carelessly　to　the　table＇。　I
  hadn't　the　slightest　intention　of　treating　you　with　ceremony。
  ＇She　sits　down：　a　liberty　which　gives　him　a　perceptible　shock。＇　I
  am　quite　at　a　loss　to　imagine　why　I　should　treat　a　perfect
  stranger　named　Duval：　a　captain！　almost　a　subaltern！　with　the
  smallest　ceremony。
  THE　INCA。　That　is　true。　I　had　for　the　moment　forgotten　my
  position。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　It　doesn't　matter。　You　may　sit　down。
  THE　INCA　＇frowning。＇　What！
  ERMYNTRUDE。　I　said；　you。。。may。。。sit。。。down。
  THE　INCA。　Oh。　＇His　moustache　droops。　He　sits　down。＇
  ERMYNTRUDE。　What　is　your　business？
  THE　INCA。　I　come　on　behalf　of　the　Inca　of　Perusalem。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　The　Allerhochst？
  THE　INCA。　Precisely。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　I　wonder　does　he　feel　ridiculous　when　people　call　him
  the　Allerhochst。
  THE　INCA　＇surprised＇。　Why　should　he？　He　IS　the　Allerhochst。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　Is　he　nice　looking？
  THE　INCA。　Ier。　ErI。　Ier。　I　am　not　a　good　judge。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　They　say　he　takes　himself　very　seriously。
  THE　INCA。　Why　should　he　not；　madam？　Providence　has　entrusted　to
  his　family　the　care　of　a　mighty　empire。　He　is　in　a　position　of
  half　divine；　half　paternal；　responsibility　towards　sixty　millions
  of　people；　whose　duty　it　is　to　die　for　him　at　the　word　of
  command。　To　take　himself　otherwise　than　seriously　would　be
  blasphemous。　It　is　a　punishable　offenceseverely　punishablein
  Perusalem。　It　is　called　Incadisparagement。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　How　cheerful！　Can　he　laugh？
  THE　INCA。　Certainly；　madam。　＇He　laughs；　harshly　and　mirthlessly。＇
  Ha　ha！　Ha　ha　ha！
  ERMYNTRUDE　＇frigidly＇。　I　asked　could　the　Inca　laugh。　I　did　not
  ask　could　you　laugh。
  THE　INCA。　That　is　true；　madam。　＇Chuckling。＇　Devilish　amusing；
  that！　＇He　laughs；　genially　and　sincerely；　and　becomes　a　much　more
  agreeable　person。＇　　Pardon　me：　I　am　now　laughing　because　I　cannot
  help　it。　I　am　amused。　The　other　was　merely　an　imitation：　a
  failure；　I　admit。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　You　intimated　that　you　had　some　business？
  THE　INCA　＇producing　a　very　large　jewel　case；　and　relapsing　into
  solemnity。　I　am　instructed　by　the　Allerhochst　to　take　a　careful
  note　of　your　features　and　figure；　and；　if　I　consider　them
  satisfactory；　to　present　you　with　this　trifling　token　of　His
  Imperial　Majesty's　regard。　I　do　consider　them　satisfactory。　Allow
  me　＇he　opens　the　jewel　case　and　presents　it。＇
  ERMYNTRUDE　＇staring　at　the　contents＇。　What　awful　taste　he　must
  have！　I　can't　wear　that。
  THE　INCA　＇reddening＇。　Take　care；　madam！　This　brooch　was　designed
  by　the　Inca　himself。　Allow　me　to　explain　the　design。　In　the
  centre；　the　shield　of　Arminius。　The　ten　surrounding　medallions
  represent　the　ten　castles　of　His　Majesty。　The　rim　is　a　piece　of
  the　telephone　cable　laid　by　His　Majesty　across　the　Shipskeel
  canal。　The　pin　is　a　model　in　miniature　of　the　sword　of　Henry　the
  Birdcatcher。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　Miniature！　It　must　be　bigger　than　the　original。　My
  good　man；　you　don't　expect　me　to　wear　this　round　my　neck：　it's　as
  big　as　a　turtle。　＇He　shuts　the　case　with　an　angry　snap。＇　How　much
  did　it　cost？
  THE　INCA。　For　materials　and　manufacture　alone；　half　a　million
  Perusalem　dollars；　madam。　The　Inca's　design　constitutes　it　a　work
  of　art。　As　such；　it　is　now　worth　probably　ten　million　dollars。
  ERMYNTRUDE。　Give　it　to　me　＇she　snatches　it＇。　I'll　pawn　it　and　buy
  something　nice　with　the　money。
  THE　INCA。　Impossible；　madam。　A　design　by　the　Inca　must　not　be
  exhibited　for　sale　in　the　shop　window　of　a　pawnbroker。　＇He　flings
  himself　into　his　chair；　fuming。＇
  ERMYNTRUDE。　So　much　the　better。　The　Inca　will　have　to　redeem　it
  to　save　himself　from　that　disgrace；　and　the　poor　pawnbroker　will
  get　his　money　back。　Nobody　would　buy　it；　you　know。
  THE　INCA。　May　I　ask　why？
  ERMYNTRUDL。　Well；　look　at　it！　Just　look　at　it！　I　ask　you！
  THE　INCA　＇his　moustache　drooping　ominously＇。　I　am　sorry　to　have
  to　report　to　the　Inca　that　you　have　no　soul　for　fine　art。　＇He
  rises　sulkily。＇　The　position　of　daughter…in…law　to　the　Inca　is
  not　compatible　with　the　tastes　of　a　pig。　＇He　attempts　to　take
  back　the　brooch。＇
  ERMYNTRUDE　＇rising　and　retreating　behind　her　chair　with　the
  brooch＇。　Here！　you　let　that　brooch　alone。　You　presented　it　to　me
  on　behalf　of　the　Inca。　It　is　mine。　You　said　my　appearance　was
  satisfactory。
  THE　INCA。　Your　appearance　is　not　satisfactory。　The　Inca　would　not
  allow　his　son　to　marry　you　if　the　boy　were　on　a　desert　island　and
  you　were　the　only　other　human　being　on　it　＇he　strides　up　the
  room。＇
  ERMYNTRUDE　＇calmly　sitting　down　and　replacing　the　case　on　the
  table＇。　How　could　he？　There　would　be　no　clergyman　to　marry　us。　It
  would　have　to　be　quite　morganatic。
  THE　INCA　＇returning＇。　Such　an　expression　is　out　of　place　in　the
  mouth　of　a　princess　aspiring　to　the　highest　destiny　on　earth。　You
  have　the　morals　of　a　dragoon。　＇She　receives　this　with　a　shriek　of
  laugh