第 19 节
作者:
点绛唇 更新:2021-02-19 21:09 字数:9322
been known to himcome to my tent to borrow ink of me。 I readily complied with his request; feeling proud of what I thought was the beginning of a new era in my cadet life。 I felt he would surely prove himself manly enough; after thus recognizing me; to keep it up; and thus bring others under his influence to the same cause。 And I was still further assured in this when I observed he made his visits frequent and open。 At length; sure of my willingness to oblige him; he came to me; and; after expressing a desire to 〃bone up〃 a part of the fourth… class course; and the need he felt for such 〃boning;〃 begged me to lend him my algebra。 I of course readily consented; gave him my key; and sent him to my trunk in the trunk rooms to get it。 He went。 He got it; and returned the key。 He went into ecstasies; and made no end of thanks to me for my kindness; etc。 All this naturally confirmed my opinion and hope of better recognition ultimately。 Indeed; I was glad of an opportunity to prove that I was not unkind or ungenerous。 I supposed he would keep the book till about September; at which time he would get one of his own; as every cadet at that time was required to procure a full course of text…books; these being necessary for reference; etc。; in future life。 And so he did。 Some time after borrowing the book; he came to me and asked for India ink。 I handed him a stick; or rather part of one; and received as usual his many thanks。 Several days after this; and at night; during my absenceI was; if I remember aright; at Fort Clinton making a series of observations with a zenith telescope in the observatory therehe came to the rear of my tent; raised the wall near one corner; and placed the ink on the floor; just inside the wall; which he left down as he found it。
I found the ink there when I returned。 I was utterly disgusted with the man。 The low; unmanly way in which he acted was wholly without my approval。 If he was disposed to be friendly; why be cowardly about it? If he must recognize me secretly; why; I would rather not have such recognition。 Acting a lie to his fellow… cadets by appearing to be inimical to me and my interests; while he pretended the reverse to me; proved him to have a baseness of character with which I didn't care to identify myself。
September came at last; and my algebra was returned。 The book was the one I had used my first year at the Academy。 I had preserved it; as I have all of my books; for future use and as a sort of souvenir of my cadet life。 It was for that sole reason of great value to me。 I enjoined upon him to take care of the book; and in nowise to injure it。 My name was on the back; on the cover; and my initial; 〃F;〃 in two other places on the cover。 When the book was returned he had cut the calfskin from the cover; so as to remove my name。 The result was a horrible disfiguration of the book; and a serious impairment of its durability。 The mere sight of the book angered me; and I found it difficult to retrain from manifesting as much。 He undoubtedly did it to conceal the fact that the book was borrowed from me。 Such unmanliness; such cowardice; such baseness even; was most disgusting; and I felt very much as if I would like towell; I don't know that I would。 There was no reason at all for mutilating the book。 If he was not man enough to use it with my name on it; why did he borrow it and agree not to injure it? On that sole condition I lent it。 Why did he not borrow some one else's and return mine?
I have been asked; 〃What is the general feeling of the corps towards you? Is it a kindly one; or is it an unfriendly one。 Do they purposely ill…treat you or do they avoid you merely?〃 I have found it rather difficult to answer unqualifiedly such questions; and yet I believe; and have always believed; that the general feeling of the corps towards me was a kindly one。 This has been manifested in multitudes of ways; on innumerably occasions; and under the most various circumstances。 And while there are some who treat me at times in an unbecoming manner; the majority of the corps have ever treated me as I would desire to be treated。 I mean; of course; by this assertion that they have treated me as I expected and really desired them to treat me; so long as they were prejudiced。 They have held certain opinions more or less prejudicial to me and my interests; but so long as they have not exercised their theories to my displeasure or discomfort; or so long as they have 〃let me severely alone;〃 I had no just reason for complaint。 Again; others; who have no theory of their own; and almost no manliness; have been accustomed 〃to pick quarrels;〃 or to endeavor to do so; to satisfy I don't know what; and while they have had no real opinions of their own; they have not respected those of others。 Their feeling toward me has been any thing but one of justice; and yet at times even they have shown a remarkable tendency to recognize me as having certain rights entitled to their respect; if not their appreciation。
As I have been practically isolated from the cadets; I have had little or no intercourse with them。 I have therefore had but little chance to know what was really the feeling of the corps as a unit toward myself。 Judging; however; from such evidences as I have; I am forced to conclude that it is as given above; viz。; a feeling of kindness; restrained kindness if you please。
Here are some of the evidences which have come under my notice。
I once heard a cadet make the following unchristian remark about myself when a classmate had been accidentally hurt at light…battery drill: 〃I wish it had been the nigger; and it had killed him。〃 I couldn't help looking at him; and I did; but that; and nothing more。 Some time after this; at cavalry drill; we were side by side; and I had a rather vicious horse; one in fact which I could not manage。 He gave a sudden jump unexpectedly to me。 I almost lost my seat in the saddle。 This cadet seized me by the arm; and in a tone of voice that was evidently kind and generous; said to me; 〃For heaven's sake be careful。 You'll be thrown and get hurt if you don't。〃 How different from that other wish given above!
Another evidence; and an important one; may be given in these words。 It is customary for the senior; or; as we say; the first class; to choose; each member; a horse; and ride him exclusively during the term。 The choice is usually made by lot; and each man chooses according to the number he draws。 By remarkable good fortune I drew No。 1; and had therefore the first choice of all the horses in the stables。
As soon as the numbers drawn were published; several classmates hastened to me for the purpose of effecting an exchange of choice。 It will at once be seen that any such change would in no manner benefit me; for if I lost the first choice I might also lose the chance of selecting a good horse。 With the avowed intention of proving that I had at least a generous disposition; and also that I was not disposed to consider; in my reciprocal relations with the cadets; how I had been; and was even then treated by them; I consented to exchange my first choice for the fourteenth。
This agreement was made with the first that asked for an exchange。 Several others came; and; when informed of the previous agreement; of course went their way。 A day or two after this a number of cadets were discussing the choice of horses; etc。; and reverted to the exchange which I had made。 One of them suggested that if an exchange of a choice higher than fourteen were suggested to me; I might accept it。
What an idea; he must have had of my character to suppose me base enough to disregard an agreement I had already made!
However; all in the crowd were not as base as he was; and one of them was man enough to say:
〃Oh no! that would be imposing upon Mr。 Flipper's good nature。〃 He went on to show how ungentlemanly and unbecoming in a 〃cadet and gentleman〃 such an act would be。 The idea was abandoned; or at least was never broached to me; and if it had been I would never have entertained it。 Such an act on the part of the cadet could have arisen only from a high sense of manly honor or from a feeling of kindness。
There are multitudes of little acts of kindness similar to these; and even different ones。 I need notindeed as I do not remember them all I cannot mention them all。 They all show; however; that the cadets are not avowedly inclined to ill…treat me; but rather to assist me to make my life under the circumstances as pleasant as can be。 And there may be outside influences; such as relatives or friends; which bias their own better judgments and keep them from fully and openly recognizing me。 For however hard either way may be; it is far easier to do as friends wish than as conscience may dictate; when conscience and friends differ。 Under such conditions it would manifestly be unjust for me to expect recognition of them; even though they themselves were disposed to make it。 I am sure this is at least a Christian view of the case; and with such view I have ever kept aloof from the cadets。 I have not obtruded myself upon them; nor in any way attempted to force recognition from them。 This has proved itself to be by far the better way; and I don't think it could well be otherwise。
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