第 4 节
作者:
猜火车 更新:2021-02-19 20:29 字数:9312
supersaturated fluid suddenly begin to crystallize out。
Tolstoy writes: 〃S。; a frank and intelligent man; told me as
follows how he ceased to believe:
〃He was twenty…six years old when one day on a hunting
expedition; the time for sleep having come; he set himself to
pray according to the custom he had held from childhood。
〃His brother; who was hunting with him; lay upon the hay and
looked at him。 When S。 had finished his prayer and was turning
to sleep; the brother said; 'Do you still keep up that thing?'
Nothing more was said。 But since that day; now more than thirty
years ago; S。 has never prayed again; he never takes communion;
and does not go to church。 All this; not because he became
acquainted with convictions of his brother which he then and
there adopted; not because he made any new resolution in his
soul; but merely because the words spoken by his brother were
like the light push of a finger against a leaning wall already
about to tumble by its own weight。 These words but showed him
that the place wherein he supposed religion dwelt in him had long
been empty; and that the sentences he uttered; the crosses and
bows which he made during his prayer; were actions with no inner
sense。 Having once seized their absurdity; he could no longer
keep them up。〃 Ma Confession; p。 8。
I subjoin an additional document which has come into my
possession; and which represents in a vivid way what is probably
a very frequent sort of conversion; if the opposite of 'falling
in love;' falling out of love; may be so termed。 Falling in love
also conforms frequently to this type; a latent process of
unconscious preparation often preceding a sudden awakening to the
fact that the mischief is irretrievably done。 The free and easy
tone in this narrative gives it a sincerity that speaks for
itself。
〃For two years of this time I went through a very bad experience;
which almost drove me mad。 I had fallen violently in love with a
girl who; young as she was; had a spirit of coquetry like a cat。
As I look back on her now; I hate her; and wonder how I could
ever have fallen so low as to be worked upon to such an extent by
her attractions。 Nevertheless; I fell into a regular fever;
could think of nothing else; whenever I was alone; I pictured her
attractions; and spent most of the time when I should have been
working; in recalling our previous interviews; and imagining
future conversations。 She was very pretty; good humored; and
jolly to the last degree; and intensely pleased with my
admiration。 Would give me no decided answer yes or no and the
queer thing about it was that whilst pursuing her for her hand; I
secretly knew all along that she was unfit to be a wife for me;
and that she never would say yes。 Although for a year we took
our meals at the same boarding…house; so that I saw her
continually and familiarly; our closer relations had to be
largely on the sly; and this fact; together with my jealousy of
another one of her male admirers and my own conscience despising
me for my uncontrollable weakness; made me so nervous and
sleepless that I really thought I should become insane。 I
understand well those young men murdering their sweethearts;
which appear so often in the papers。 Nevertheless I did love her
passionately; and in some ways she did deserve it。
〃The queer thing was the sudden and unexpected way in which it
all stopped。 I was going to my work after breakfast one morning;
thinking as usual of her and of my misery; when; just as if some
outside power laid hold of me; I found myself turning round and
almost running to my room; where I immediately got out all the
relics of her which I possessed; including some hair; all her
notes and letters and ambrotypes on glass。 The former I made a
fire of; the latter I actually crushed beneath my heel; in a sort
of fierce joy of revenge and punishment。 I now loathed and
despised her altogether; and as for myself I felt as if a load of
disease had suddenly been removed from me。 That was the end。 I
never spoke to her or wrote to her again in all the subsequent
years; and I have never had a single moment of loving thought
towards one for so many months entirely filled my heart。 In
fact; I have always rather hated her memory; though now I can see
that I had gone unnecessarily far in that direction。 At any
rate; from that happy morning onward I regained possession of my
own proper soul; and have never since fallen into any similar
trap。〃
This seems to me an unusually clear example of two different
levels of personality; inconsistent in their dictates; yet so
well balanced against each other as for a long time to fill the
life with discord and dissatisfaction。 At last; not gradually;
but in a sudden crisis; the unstable equilibrium is resolved; and
this happens so unexpectedly that it is as if; to use the
writer's words; 〃some outside power laid hold。〃
Professor Starbuck gives an analogous case; and a converse case
of hatred suddenly turning into love; in his Psychology of
Religion; p。 141。 Compare the other highly curious instances
which he gives on pp。 137…144; of sudden non…religious
alterations of habit or character。 He seems right in conceiving
all such sudden changes as results of special cerebral functions
unconsciously developing until they are ready to play a
controlling part when they make irruption into the conscious
life。 When we treat of sudden 'conversion;' I shall make as much
use as I can of this hypothesis of subconscious incubation。
In John Foster's Essay on Decision of Character; there is
an account of a case of sudden conversion to avarice; which is
illustrative enough to quote:
A young man; it appears; 〃wasted; in two or three years; a large
patrimony in profligate revels with a number of worthless
associates who called themselves his friends; and who; when his
last means were exhausted; treated him of course with neglect or
contempt。 Reduced to absolute want; he one day went out of the
house with an intention to put an end to his life; but wandering
awhile almost unconsciously; he came to the brow of an eminence
which overlooked what were lately his estates。 Here he sat down;
and remained fixed in thought a number of hours; at the end of
which he sprang from the ground with a vehement; exulting
emotion。 He had formed his resolution; which was; that all these
estates should be his again; he had formed his plan; too; which
he instantly began to execute。 He walked hastily forward;
determined to seize the first opportunity; of however humble a
kind; to gain any money; though it were ever so despicable a
trifle; and resolved absolutely not to spend; if he could help
it; a farthing of whatever he might obtain。 The first thing that
drew his attention was a heap of coals shot out of carts on the
pavement before a house。 He offered himself to shovel or wheel
them into the place where they were to be laid; and was employed。
He received a few pence for the labor; and then; in pursuance of
the saving part of his plan requested some small gratuity of meat
and drink; which was given him。 He then looked out for
the next thing that might chance; and went; with indefatigable
industry; through a succession of servile employments in
different places; of longer and shorter duration; still
scrupulous in avoiding; as far as possible; the expense of a
penny。 He promptly seized every opportunity which could advance
his design; without regarding the meanness of occupation or
appearance。 By this method he had gained; after a considerable
time; money enough to purchase in order to sell again a few
cattle; of which he had taken pains to understand the value。 He
speedily but cautiously turned his first gains into second
advantages; retained without a single deviation his extreme
parsimony; and thus advanced by degrees into larger transactions
and incipient wealth。 I did not hear; or have forgotten; the
continued course of his life; but the final result was; that he
more than recovered his lost possessions; and died an inveterate
miser; worth L60;000。〃'94'
'94' Op。 cit。; Letter III。; abridged。
Let me turn now to the kind of case; the religious case; namely;
that immediately concerns us。 Here is one of the s