第 92 节
作者:南方网      更新:2021-02-19 19:56      字数:9243
  the daughter’s wishes and the mother’s confidence; and Marianne;
  leaning   on   Elinor’s   arm;   was   authorised   to   walk   as   long   as   she
  could without fatigue; in the lane before the house。
  The sisters set out at a pace; slow as the feebleness of Marianne
  in   an   exercise   hitherto   untried   since   her   illness   required;—and
  they had advanced only so far beyond the house as to admit a full
  view of the hill; the important hill behind; when pausing with her
  eyes turned towards it; Marianne calmly said;
  “There;     exactly    there;”—pointing        with   one    hand;    “on   that
  projecting mound;—there I fell; and there I first saw Willoughby。”
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  Her voice sunk with the word; but presently reviving she added;
  “I am thankful to find that I can look with so little pain on the
  spot!—shall we ever talk on that subject; Elinor?”—hesitatingly it
  was said。—“Or will it be wrong?—I can talk of it now; I hope; as I
  ought to do。”—
  Elinor tenderly invited her to be open。
  “As for regret;” said Marianne; “I have done with that; as far as
  he is concerned。 I do not mean to talk to you of what my feelings
  have been for him; but what they are now。—At present; if I could
  be satisfied on one point; if I could be allowed to think that he was
  not always acting a part; not always deceiving me;—but above all;
  if I could be assured that he never was so very wicked as my fears
  have   sometimes   fancied   him;   since   the   story   of   that   unfortunate
  girl”—
  She stopt。 Elinor joyfully treasured her words as she answered;
  “If you could be assured of that; you think you should be easy。”
  “Yes。 My peace of mind is doubly involved in it;—for not only is
  it horrible to suspect a person; who has been what he has been to
  me;    of  such    designs;—but       what    must    it  make    me    appear     to
  myself?—What   in   a   situation   like       mine;   but   a   most   shamefully
  unguarded affection could expose me to”—
  “How      then;”   asked    her   sister;  “would     you   account     for  his
  behaviour?”
  “I would suppose   him;—Oh!  how  gladly  would   I suppose   him;
  only fickle; very; very fickle。”
  Elinor   said   no   more。   She   was   debating   within   herself   on   the
  eligibility   of  beginning      her  story   directly;   or  postponing      it  till
  Marianne   were   in   stronger   health;—and   they   crept   on   for   a   few
  minutes in silence。
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  “I   am  not  wishing  him   too  much  good;”   said   Marianne   at  last
  with  a   sigh;   “when   I   wish   his   secret   reflections   may   be  no  more
  unpleasant than my own。 He will suffer enough in them。”
  “Do you compare your conduct with his?”
  “No。 I compare it with what it ought to have been; I compare it
  with yours。”
  “Our situations have borne little resemblance。”
  “They have borne more than our conduct。—Do not; my dearest
  Elinor; let your kindness defend what I know your judgment must
  censure。   My   illness   has   made   me   think—It   has   given   me   leisure
  and  calmness   for  serious   recollection。   Long before   I   was   enough
  recovered to talk; I was perfectly able to reflect。 I considered   the
  past;    I  saw   in  my   own    behaviour;     since   the   beginning      of  our
  acquaintance        with   him    last   autumn;     nothing     but   a  series    of
  imprudence towards myself; and want of kindness to others。 I saw
  that   my   own   feelings   had   prepared   my   sufferings;   and   that   my
  want of fortitude under them had almost led me to the grave。 My
  illness;   I   well   knew;   had   been   entirely   brought   on   by   myself   by
  such negligence of my own health; as I had felt even at the time to
  be wrong。 Had I died;—it would have been self…destruction。 I did
  not know my danger  till  the   danger  was   removed; but  with  such
  feelings as these reflections gave me; I wonder at my recovery;—
  wonder that the very eagerness of my desire to live; to have time
  for atonement to my God; and to you all; did not kill me at once。
  Had   I   died;—in   what   peculiar  misery   should   I   have   left   you;   my
  nurse;   my   friend;   my   sister!—You;   who   had   seen   all   the   fretful
  selfishness of my latter days; who had known all the murmurings
  of my heart!—How should I have lived in your remembrance!—My
  mother too! How could you have consoled her!—I cannot express
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  my   own   abhorrence   of   myself。        Whenever   I     looked    towards     the
  past; I saw  some   duty  neglected;   or  some   failing  indulged。   Every
  body seemed injured by me。 The kindness; the unceasing kindness
  of  Mrs。   Jennings;   I   had   repaid   with   ungrateful   contempt。   To   the
  Middletons;        to  the    Palmers;     the   Steeles;     to  every     common
  acquaintance   even;   I   had   been   insolent  and   unjust;   with   a   heart
  hardened against their merits; and a temper irritated by their very
  attention。—To   John;   to   Fanny;—yes;   even   to   them;   little   as   they
  deserve; I had given less than their due。 But you;—you above all;
  above   my  mother;   had   been   wronged by  me。 I;   and   only  I; knew
  your heart and its sorrows; yet to what did it influence me?—not
  to    any   compassion        that   could    benefit    you    or  myself。—Your
  example       was    before     me;    but   to   what     avail?—Was        I  more
  considerate       of   you    and    your    comfort?      Did    I   imitate    your
  forbearance; or lessen your restraints; by taking any part in those
  offices of general complaisance or particular gratitude which you
  had hitherto been left to discharge alone?—No;—not  less   when I
  knew  you   to  be   unhappy;   than   when   I   had   believed   you   at   ease;
  did I turn away from every exertion of duty or friendship; scarcely
  allowing   sorrow   to   exist   but   with   me;   regretting   only  that   heart
  which had deserted and wronged me; and leaving you; for whom I
  professed an unbounded affection; to be miserable for my sake。”
  Here    ceased     the  rapid    flow   of  her  self…reproving      spirit;  and
  Elinor; impatient to soothe; though too honest to flatter; gave her
  instantly   that   praise   and   support   which   her   frankness   and          her
  contrition      so  well   deserved。     Marianne       pressed    her    hand    and
  replied;
  “You are very good。—The future must be my proof。 I have laid
  down my plan; and if I am capable of adhering to it—my feelings
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  shall be governed and my temper improved。 They shall no longer
  worry   others;   nor   torture   myself。   I   shall   now   live   solely   for   my
  family。 You; my mother; and Margaret; must henceforth be all the
  world   to   me;   you   will   share   my   affections   entirely   between   you。
  From   you;   from   my   home;   I   shall   never   again   have   the   smallest
  incitement to move; and if I do mix in other society; it will be only
  to shew that my spirit is humbled; my heart amended; and that I
  can practise the civilities; the lesser duties of life; with gentleness
  and   forbearance。   As   for   Willoughby—to   say   that   I   shall   soon   or
  that I shall ever forget him; would be idle。 His remembrance can
  be   overcome   by   no   change   of   circumstances   or   opinions。   But   it
  shall   be   regulated;   it   shall   be   checked   by   religion;   by   reason;   by
  constant employment。”
  She paused—and added in a low voice; “If I could but know his
  heart; everything would become easy。”
  Elinor;    who    had    now    been    for  some    time    reflecting    on   the
  propriety      or   impropriety      of  speedily     hazarding      her   narration;
  without feeling at all nearer decision than at first; heard this; and
  perceiving   that   as   reflection   did   nothing;   resolution   must   do   all;
  soon found herself leading to the fac