第 92 节
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the daughter’s wishes and the mother’s confidence; and Marianne;
leaning on Elinor’s arm; was authorised to walk as long as she
could without fatigue; in the lane before the house。
The sisters set out at a pace; slow as the feebleness of Marianne
in an exercise hitherto untried since her illness required;—and
they had advanced only so far beyond the house as to admit a full
view of the hill; the important hill behind; when pausing with her
eyes turned towards it; Marianne calmly said;
“There; exactly there;”—pointing with one hand; “on that
projecting mound;—there I fell; and there I first saw Willoughby。”
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Her voice sunk with the word; but presently reviving she added;
“I am thankful to find that I can look with so little pain on the
spot!—shall we ever talk on that subject; Elinor?”—hesitatingly it
was said。—“Or will it be wrong?—I can talk of it now; I hope; as I
ought to do。”—
Elinor tenderly invited her to be open。
“As for regret;” said Marianne; “I have done with that; as far as
he is concerned。 I do not mean to talk to you of what my feelings
have been for him; but what they are now。—At present; if I could
be satisfied on one point; if I could be allowed to think that he was
not always acting a part; not always deceiving me;—but above all;
if I could be assured that he never was so very wicked as my fears
have sometimes fancied him; since the story of that unfortunate
girl”—
She stopt。 Elinor joyfully treasured her words as she answered;
“If you could be assured of that; you think you should be easy。”
“Yes。 My peace of mind is doubly involved in it;—for not only is
it horrible to suspect a person; who has been what he has been to
me; of such designs;—but what must it make me appear to
myself?—What in a situation like mine; but a most shamefully
unguarded affection could expose me to”—
“How then;” asked her sister; “would you account for his
behaviour?”
“I would suppose him;—Oh! how gladly would I suppose him;
only fickle; very; very fickle。”
Elinor said no more。 She was debating within herself on the
eligibility of beginning her story directly; or postponing it till
Marianne were in stronger health;—and they crept on for a few
minutes in silence。
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“I am not wishing him too much good;” said Marianne at last
with a sigh; “when I wish his secret reflections may be no more
unpleasant than my own。 He will suffer enough in them。”
“Do you compare your conduct with his?”
“No。 I compare it with what it ought to have been; I compare it
with yours。”
“Our situations have borne little resemblance。”
“They have borne more than our conduct。—Do not; my dearest
Elinor; let your kindness defend what I know your judgment must
censure。 My illness has made me think—It has given me leisure
and calmness for serious recollection。 Long before I was enough
recovered to talk; I was perfectly able to reflect。 I considered the
past; I saw in my own behaviour; since the beginning of our
acquaintance with him last autumn; nothing but a series of
imprudence towards myself; and want of kindness to others。 I saw
that my own feelings had prepared my sufferings; and that my
want of fortitude under them had almost led me to the grave。 My
illness; I well knew; had been entirely brought on by myself by
such negligence of my own health; as I had felt even at the time to
be wrong。 Had I died;—it would have been self…destruction。 I did
not know my danger till the danger was removed; but with such
feelings as these reflections gave me; I wonder at my recovery;—
wonder that the very eagerness of my desire to live; to have time
for atonement to my God; and to you all; did not kill me at once。
Had I died;—in what peculiar misery should I have left you; my
nurse; my friend; my sister!—You; who had seen all the fretful
selfishness of my latter days; who had known all the murmurings
of my heart!—How should I have lived in your remembrance!—My
mother too! How could you have consoled her!—I cannot express
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my own abhorrence of myself。 Whenever I looked towards the
past; I saw some duty neglected; or some failing indulged。 Every
body seemed injured by me。 The kindness; the unceasing kindness
of Mrs。 Jennings; I had repaid with ungrateful contempt。 To the
Middletons; to the Palmers; the Steeles; to every common
acquaintance even; I had been insolent and unjust; with a heart
hardened against their merits; and a temper irritated by their very
attention。—To John; to Fanny;—yes; even to them; little as they
deserve; I had given less than their due。 But you;—you above all;
above my mother; had been wronged by me。 I; and only I; knew
your heart and its sorrows; yet to what did it influence me?—not
to any compassion that could benefit you or myself。—Your
example was before me; but to what avail?—Was I more
considerate of you and your comfort? Did I imitate your
forbearance; or lessen your restraints; by taking any part in those
offices of general complaisance or particular gratitude which you
had hitherto been left to discharge alone?—No;—not less when I
knew you to be unhappy; than when I had believed you at ease;
did I turn away from every exertion of duty or friendship; scarcely
allowing sorrow to exist but with me; regretting only that heart
which had deserted and wronged me; and leaving you; for whom I
professed an unbounded affection; to be miserable for my sake。”
Here ceased the rapid flow of her self…reproving spirit; and
Elinor; impatient to soothe; though too honest to flatter; gave her
instantly that praise and support which her frankness and her
contrition so well deserved。 Marianne pressed her hand and
replied;
“You are very good。—The future must be my proof。 I have laid
down my plan; and if I am capable of adhering to it—my feelings
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shall be governed and my temper improved。 They shall no longer
worry others; nor torture myself。 I shall now live solely for my
family。 You; my mother; and Margaret; must henceforth be all the
world to me; you will share my affections entirely between you。
From you; from my home; I shall never again have the smallest
incitement to move; and if I do mix in other society; it will be only
to shew that my spirit is humbled; my heart amended; and that I
can practise the civilities; the lesser duties of life; with gentleness
and forbearance。 As for Willoughby—to say that I shall soon or
that I shall ever forget him; would be idle。 His remembrance can
be overcome by no change of circumstances or opinions。 But it
shall be regulated; it shall be checked by religion; by reason; by
constant employment。”
She paused—and added in a low voice; “If I could but know his
heart; everything would become easy。”
Elinor; who had now been for some time reflecting on the
propriety or impropriety of speedily hazarding her narration;
without feeling at all nearer decision than at first; heard this; and
perceiving that as reflection did nothing; resolution must do all;
soon found herself leading to the fac