第 87 节
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married。 Relate only what in your conscience you think necessary
for me to hear。”
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“Marianne’s note; by assuring me that I was still as dear to her
as in former days; that in spite of the many; many weeks we had
been separated; she was as constant in her own feelings; and as
full of faith in the constancy of mine as ever; awakened all my
remorse。 I say awakened; because time and London; business and
dissipation; had in some measure quieted it; and I had been
growing a fine hardened villain; fancying myself indifferent to her;
and chusing to fancy that she too must have become indifferent to
me; talking to myself of our past attachment as a mere idle; trifling
business; shrugging up my shoulders in proof of its being so; and
silencing every reproach; overcoming every scruple; by secretly
saying now and then; ‘I shall be heartily glad to hear she is well
married。’—But this note made me know myself better。 I felt that
she was infinitely dearer to me than any other woman in the
world; and that I was using her infamously。 But every thing was
then just settled between Miss Grey and me。 To retreat was
impossible。 All that I had to do; was to avoid you both。 I sent no
answer to Marianne; intending by that to preserve myself from her
farther notice; and for some time I was even determined not to call
in Berkeley…street;—but at last; judging it wiser to affect the air of
a cool; common acquaintance than anything else; I watched you all
safely out of the house one morning; and left my name。”
“Watched us out of the house!”
“Even so。 You would be surprised to hear how often I watched
you; how often I was on the point of falling in with you。 I have
entered many a shop to avoid your sight; as the carriage drove by。
Lodging as I did in Bond…street; there was hardly a day in which I
did not catch a glimpse of one or other of you; and nothing but the
most constant watchfulness on my side; a most invariably
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prevailing desire to keep out of your sight; could have separated us
so long。 I avoided the Middletons as much as possible; as well as
everybody else who was likely to prove an acquaintance in
common。 Not aware of their being in town; however; I blundered
on Sir John; I believe; the first day of his coming; and the day after
I had called at Mrs。 Jennings’s。 He asked me to a party; a dance at
his house in the evening。—Had he not told me as an inducement
that you and your sister were to be there; I should have felt it too
certain a thing; to trust myself near him。 The next morning
brought another short note from Marianne—still affectionate;
open; artless; confiding—everything that could make my conduct
most hateful。 I could not answer it。 I tried—but could not frame a
sentence。 But I thought of her; I believe; every moment of the day。
If you can pity me; Miss Dashwood; pity my situation as it was
then。 With my head and heart full of your sister; I was forced to
play the happy lover to another woman!—Those three or four
weeks were worse than all。 Well; at last; as I need not tell you; you
were forced on me; and what a sweet figure I cut!—what an
evening of agony it was!—Marianne; beautiful as an angel on one
side; calling me Willoughby in such a tone!—Oh; God!—holding
out her hand to me; asking me for an explanation; with those
bewitching eyes fixed in such speaking solicitude on my face!—
and Sophia; jealous as the devil on the other hand; looking all that
was—Well; it does not signify; it is over now。— Such an evening!—
I ran away from you all as soon as I could; but not before I had
seen Marianne’s sweet face as white as death。—That was the last;
last look I ever had of her;—the last manner in which she
appeared to me。 It was a horrid sight!—yet when I thought of her
to…day as really dying; it was a kind of comfort to me to imagine
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that I knew exactly how she would appear to those; who saw her
last in this world。 She was before me; constantly before me; as I
travelled; in the same look and hue。”
A short pause of mutual thoughtfulness succeeded。 Willoughby
first rousing himself; broke it thus:
“Well; let me make haste and be gone。 Your sister is certainly
better; certainly out of danger?”
“We are assured of it。”
“Your poor mother; too!—doting on Marianne。”
“But the letter; Mr。 Willoughby; your own letter; have you any
thing to say about that?”
“Yes; yes; that in particular。 Your sister wrote to me again; you
know; the very next morning。 You saw what she said。 I was
breakfasting at the Ellisons;—and her letter; with some others;
was brought to me there from my lodgings。 It happened to catch
Sophia’s eye before it caught mine—and its size; the elegance of
the paper; the hand…writing altogether; immediately gave her a
suspicion。 Some vague report had reached her before of my
attachment to some young lady in Devonshire; and what had
passed within her observation the preceding evening had marked
who the young lady was; and made her more jealous than ever。
Affecting that air of playfulness; therefore; which is delightful in a
woman one loves; she opened the letter directly; and read its
contents。 She was well paid for her impudence。 She read what
made her wretched。 Her wretchedness I could have borne; but her
passion—her malice—At all events it must be appeased。 And; in
short—what do you think of my wife’s style of letter…writing?—
delicate—tender—truly feminine—was it not?”
“Your wife!—The letter was in your own hand…writing。”
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“Yes; but I had only the credit of servilely copying such
sentences as I was ashamed to put my name to。 The original was
all her own—her own happy thoughts and gentle diction。 But what
could I do!—we were engaged; every thing in preparation; the day
almost fixed—But I am talking like a fool。 Preparation!—day!—In
honest words; her money was necessary to me; and in a situation
like mine; any thing was to be done to prevent a rupture。 And after
all; what did it signify to my character in the opinion of Marianne
and her friends; in what language my answer was couched?—It
must have been only to one end。 My business was to declare
myself a scoundrel; and whether I did it with a bow or a bluster
was of little importance。—‘I am ruined for ever in their opinion—’
said I to myself—‘I am shut out for ever from their society; they
already think me an unprincipled fellow; this letter will only make
them think me a blackguard one。’ Such were my reasonings; as; in
a sort of desperate carelessness; I copied my wife’s words; and
parted with the last relics of Marianne。 Her three notes—unluckily
they were all in my pocketbook; or I should have denied their
existence; and hoarded them for ever—I was forced to put them
up; and could not even kiss them。 And the lock of hair—that too I
had always carried about me in the same pocket…book; which was
now searched by Madam with the most ingratiating virulence;—
the dear lock—all; every memento was torn from me。”
“You are very wrong; Mr。 Willoughby; ver