第 87 节
作者:南方网      更新:2021-02-19 19:56      字数:9245
  married。 Relate only what in your conscience you think necessary
  for me to hear。”
  Classics in Literature: Jane Austen                                       ElecBook
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  “Marianne’s note; by assuring me that I was still as dear to her
  as in former days; that in spite of the many; many weeks we had
  been separated; she   was   as   constant   in   her   own   feelings;   and   as
  full   of   faith   in   the   constancy   of   mine   as   ever;   awakened   all   my
  remorse。 I say awakened; because time and London; business and
  dissipation;      had   in  some    measure      quieted     it;  and  I  had    been
  growing a fine hardened villain; fancying myself indifferent to her;
  and chusing to fancy that she too must have become indifferent to
  me; talking to myself of our past attachment as a mere idle; trifling
  business; shrugging up my shoulders in proof of its being so; and
  silencing   every   reproach;   overcoming   every   scruple;   by   secretly
  saying now  and   then; ‘I   shall   be   heartily  glad   to  hear  she is   well
  married。’—But this note made me know  myself  better。   I   felt  that
  she    was   infinitely   dearer    to  me    than   any   other    woman      in  the
  world; and that  I   was   using  her  infamously。   But  every  thing  was
  then     just  settled   between      Miss   Grey    and    me。   To   retreat    was
  impossible。 All that I had to do;   was   to  avoid   you  both。   I sent no
  answer to Marianne; intending by that to preserve myself from her
  farther notice; and for some time I was even determined not to call
  in Berkeley…street;—but at last; judging it wiser to affect the air of
  a cool; common acquaintance than anything else; I watched you all
  safely out of the house one morning; and left my name。”
  “Watched us out of the house!”
  “Even so。 You would be surprised to hear how often I watched
  you;   how   often   I   was   on   the   point   of   falling   in   with   you。   I   have
  entered many a shop to avoid your sight; as the carriage drove by。
  Lodging as I did in Bond…street; there was hardly a day in which I
  did not catch a glimpse of one or other of you; and nothing but the
  most      constant     watchfulness       on   my     side;   a  most     invariably
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  prevailing desire to keep out of your sight; could have separated us
  so long。 I avoided the Middletons as much as possible; as well as
  everybody       else   who     was    likely   to  prove     an   acquaintance       in
  common。 Not aware of their being in town; however; I blundered
  on Sir John; I believe; the first day of his coming; and the day after
  I had called at Mrs。 Jennings’s。 He asked me to a party; a dance at
  his house in the evening。—Had he not told me as an inducement
  that you and your sister were to be there; I should have felt it too
  certain     a  thing;   to   trust   myself    near    him。   The    next    morning
  brought      another     short    note    from    Marianne—still        affectionate;
  open; artless; confiding—everything  that  could   make my   conduct
  most hateful。 I could not answer it。 I tried—but could not frame a
  sentence。 But I thought of her; I believe; every moment of the day。
  If   you  can   pity   me;   Miss   Dashwood;   pity   my   situation   as   it   was
  then。   With  my  head   and   heart   full   of   your   sister;   I   was   forced   to
  play   the   happy   lover   to    another     woman!—Those           three   or  four
  weeks were worse than all。 Well; at last; as I need not tell you; you
  were     forced    on   me;   and    what    a  sweet    figure   I  cut!—what      an
  evening of agony it was!—Marianne; beautiful as an angel on one
  side;   calling   me   Willoughby   in   such   a   tone!—Oh;   God!—holding
  out   her   hand     to   me;   asking   me   for   an  explanation;      with   those
  bewitching   eyes   fixed   in   such   speaking   solicitude   on   my   face!—
  and Sophia; jealous as the devil on the other hand; looking all that
  was—Well; it does not signify; it is over now。— Such an evening!—
  I   ran away  from   you  all   as   soon  as  I   could;   but   not   before   I   had
  seen Marianne’s sweet face as white as death。—That was the last;
  last   look    I  ever   had    of  her;—the       last  manner      in   which    she
  appeared to me。 It was a horrid sight!—yet when I thought of her
  to…day as   really  dying;   it  was  a kind   of  comfort  to  me   to  imagine
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  that I knew exactly how she would appear to those; who saw her
  last  in   this   world。   She   was before   me;   constantly before   me;   as   I
  travelled; in the same look and hue。”
  A short pause of mutual thoughtfulness succeeded。 Willoughby
  first rousing himself; broke it thus:
  “Well; let me make haste and be   gone。   Your  sister  is   certainly
  better; certainly out of danger?”
  “We are assured of it。”
  “Your poor mother; too!—doting on Marianne。”
  “But the letter; Mr。 Willoughby; your own letter; have you any
  thing to say about that?”
  “Yes; yes; that in particular。 Your sister wrote to me again; you
  know;     the   very   next   morning。      You   saw    what    she   said。  I  was
  breakfasting   at   the   Ellisons;—and   her   letter;       with   some    others;
  was brought to me there from my lodgings。 It happened to  catch
  Sophia’s   eye   before   it  caught  mine—and its   size;   the   elegance   of
  the   paper;   the   hand…writing   altogether;   immediately   gave   her   a
  suspicion。      Some     vague    report   had    reached     her   before    of  my
  attachment       to  some    young     lady   in  Devonshire;      and   what    had
  passed within her observation the preceding evening had marked
  who   the   young   lady   was;   and   made   her   more   jealous   than   ever。
  Affecting that air of playfulness; therefore; which is delightful in a
  woman       one   loves;   she  opened     the   letter  directly;   and    read   its
  contents。   She   was   well   paid   for   her   impudence。   She   read   what
  made her wretched。 Her wretchedness I could have borne; but her
  passion—her  malice—At   all   events   it  must   be   appeased。   And;   in
  short—what   do   you   think   of   my   wife’s   style   of   letter…writing?—
  delicate—tender—truly feminine—was it not?”
  “Your wife!—The letter was in your own hand…writing。”
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  “Yes;    but    I  had    only   the   credit    of  servilely    copying     such
  sentences as I was ashamed to put my name to。 The original was
  all her own—her own happy thoughts and gentle diction。 But what
  could I do!—we were engaged; every thing in preparation; the day
  almost fixed—But I am talking like a fool。 Preparation!—day!—In
  honest words; her money was necessary to me; and in a situation
  like mine; any thing was to be done to prevent a rupture。 And after
  all; what did it signify to my character in the opinion of Marianne
  and   her   friends;   in   what   language   my   answer   was   couched?—It
  must     have    been    only   to  one   end。   My    business     was   to  declare
  myself a   scoundrel;   and   whether  I   did   it  with  a   bow  or  a   bluster
  was of little importance。—‘I am ruined for ever in their opinion—’
  said   I   to  myself—‘I am   shut   out   for   ever   from   their   society;   they
  already think me an unprincipled fellow; this letter will only make
  them think me a blackguard one。’ Such were my reasonings; as; in
  a   sort   of   desperate   carelessness;   I   copied   my   wife’s   words;   and
  parted with the last relics of Marianne。 Her three notes—unluckily
  they   were   all   in   my   pocketbook;   or   I   should   have   denied   their
  existence;  and   hoarded   them   for   ever—I   was   forced   to   put   them
  up; and could not even kiss them。 And the lock of hair—that too I
  had always carried about me in the same pocket…book; which was
  now   searched   by   Madam   with   the   most   ingratiating   virulence;—
  the dear lock—all; every memento was torn from me。”
  “You   are   very   wrong;   Mr。   Willoughby;   ver