第 86 节
作者:南方网      更新:2021-02-19 19:56      字数:9236
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  you to suppose that I have nothing to urge—that because she was
  injured she was irreproachable; and because I was a libertine; she
  must  be a   saint。   If   the   violence   of   her   passions;   the   weakness   of
  her   understanding—I   do   not   mean;   however;   to   defend             myself。
  Her affection for me deserved better treatment; and I often; with
  great  self…reproach;   recall  the   tenderness   which;   for  a   very   short
  time; had the power of creating any return。 I wish—I heartily wish
  it   had   never   been。   But   I   have   injured   more   than   herself;   and   I
  have   injured     one;   whose     affection   for   me—(may   I      say   it?)   was
  scarcely less warm than hers; and whose mind—Oh! how infinitely
  superior!”—
  “Your   indifference;   however;   towards   that   unfortunate   girl—I
  must say it; unpleasant to me as the discussion   of  such  a subject
  may     well   be—your       indifference     is  no   apology     for   your   cruel
  neglect of her。 Do not think yourself excused by any weakness; any
  natural defect of understanding on her side; in the wanton cruelty
  so  evident  on   yours。   You  must  have   known;   that  while   you   were
  enjoying   yourself   in   Devonshire   pursuing   fresh   schemes;   always
  gay; always happy; she was reduced to the extremest indigence。”
  “But;   upon   my  soul;   I did not   know   it;”   he   warmly   replied;   “I
  did not recollect that I had omitted to give her my direction; and
  common sense might have told her how to find it out。”
  “Well; sir; and what said Mrs。 Smith?”
  “She taxed me with the offence at once; and my confusion may
  be guessed。 The purity of her life; the formality of her notions; her
  ignorance   of  the   world—every  thing  was   against  me。   The   matter
  itself I could not deny; and vain was every endeavour to soften it。
  She was previously disposed; I believe; to doubt the morality of my
  conduct in general; and was moreover discontented with the very
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  little   attention;    the  very    little  portion   of  my    time   that   I  had
  bestowed on her; in my present visit。 In short; it ended in a total
  breach。 By one measure I might have saved myself。 In the height
  of her morality; good   woman!  she   offered   to  forgive   the   past;   if  I
  would      marry     Eliza。   That    could    not   be—and      I  was    formally
  dismissed from her favour and her house。 The night following this
  affair—I      was   to   go   the   next   morning—was          spent   by   me    in
  deliberating   on   what   my   future   conduct   should   be。   The   struggle
  was great—but it ended too soon。 My  affection   for  Marianne;   my
  thorough       conviction      of   her   attachment       to   me—it      was     all
  insufficient to outweigh that dread of poverty; or get the better of
  those false ideas of the necessity of  riches;  which  I   was  naturally
  inclined to feel; and expensive society had increased。 I had reason
  to believe myself secure of my present wife; if I   chose   to  address
  her; and I persuaded myself to think that nothing else in common
  prudence remained for me to do。 A heavy scene however awaited
  me; before I could leave Devonshire;—I was engaged to dine with
  you   on   that   very   day;   some   apology   was   therefore   necessary   for
  my   breaking   this   engagement。   But   whether   I   should   write   this
  apology; or deliver it in person; was a point of long debate。 To see
  Marianne; I felt; would be dreadful; and I even doubted whether I
  could   see    her   again;   and   keep    to   my   resolution。   In  that   point;
  however;       I  undervalued       my   own     magnanimity;       as   the   event
  declared; for I went; I saw her; and saw her miserable; and left her
  miserable—and left her hoping never to see her again。”
  “Why did you call; Mr。 Willoughby?” said Elinor; reproachfully;
  “a    note    would     have    answered      every    purpose。—Why          was    it
  necessary to call?”
  “It was necessary to my own pride。 I could not bear to leave the
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  country      in  a  manner     that   might    lead   you;   or   the  rest   of  the
  neighbourhood;         to   suspect   any   part   of  what   had    really  passed
  between      Mrs。    Smith    and    myself—and       I  resolved    therefore     on
  calling at the cottage; in my way to Honiton。 The sight of your dear
  sister; however; was really dreadful; and; to heighten the matter; I
  found her alone。 You were all gone I do not know where。 I had left
  her only the evening before; so fully; so firmly resolved within my
  self on doing right! A few hours were to have engaged her to me
  for ever; and I remember how happy; how gay were my spirits; as I
  walked      from    the   cottage    to   Allenham;      satisfied   with    myself;
  delighted      with   every    body!    But   in  this;   our   last  interview     of
  friendship; I approached her with a sense of guilt that almost took
  from      me     the     power      of   dissembling。        Her     sorrow;      her
  disappointment;         her   deep   regret;    when    I  told   her  that   I  was
  obliged  to  leave   Devonshire   so  immediately—I   never   shall   forget
  it—united   too   with   such   reliance;   such   confidence         in   me!—Oh;
  God!—what a hard…hearted rascal I was!”
  They were both silent for a few moments。 Elinor first spoke。
  “Did you tell her that you should soon return?”
  “I do not know  what  I   told   her;”  he  replied;   impatiently;   “less
  than   was   due   to   the   past;   beyond   a   doubt;   and   in   all   likelihood
  much more than was justified by the future。 I cannot think of it。—
  It won’t do。—Then came your dear mother to torture me farther;
  with all her kindness and confidence。 Thank Heaven! it did torture
  me。 I was miserable。 Miss Dashwood; you cannot have an idea of
  the comfort it gives me to look back on my own misery。 I owe such
  a grudge to  myself  for  the   stupid;  rascally  folly  of  my  own   heart;
  that    all  my    past    sufferings    under     it  are   only    triumph     and
  exultation to me now。 Well; I went; left all that I loved; and went to
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  those    to  whom;     at  best;  I  was  only   indifferent。   My    journey    to
  town—travelling with my own horses; and therefore so tediously—
  no creature to speak to—my own reflections so cheerful—when I
  looked   forward   every   thing   so   inviting!—when   I   looked   back   at
  Barton; the picture so soothing!—oh; it was a blessed journey!”
  He stopped。
  “Well;    sir;”   said   Elinor;   who;    though     pitying    him;    grew
  impatient for his departure; “and this is all?”
  “Ah!—no;—have          you    forgot   what     passed    in   town?—That
  infamous letter—Did she shew it you?”
  “Yes; I saw every note that passed。”
  “When the first of hers reached me (as it immediately did; for I
  was in town the whole time;) what I felt is—in the common phrase;
  not to be expressed; in a more simple one—perhaps too simple to
  raise   any   emotion—my   feelings   were   very;   very   painful。—Every
  line;   every   word   was—in      the  hackneyed      metaphor     which    their
  dear  writer;   were   she   here;   would   forbid—a   dagger   to   my   heart。
  To know that Marianne was in town was—in the same language—
  a    thunderbolt。—Thunderbolts            and    daggers!—what        a   reproof
  would she have given me!—her taste; her opinions—I believe they
  are   better   known   to   me   than   my   own;—and   I   am   sure   they   are
  dearer。”
  Elinor’s     heart;   which    had   undergone      many    changes     in  the
  course     of  this   extraordinary     conversation;      was   now    softened
  again;—yet       she   felt  it  her  duty    to  check    such   ideas    in  her
  companion as the last。
  “This   is   not   right;   Mr。   Willoughby。—Remember   that   you   are
  married。 Relate only what in your conscience you think necessary
  for me to hear。”
  Class