第 85 节
作者:南方网      更新:2021-02-19 19:56      字数:9224
  “At   Marlborough!”—cried   Elinor;   more   and   more   at   a   loss   to
  understand what he would be at。
  “Yes—I left London this morning at eight o’clock; and the only
  ten minutes I have spent out of my chaise since that time procured
  me a luncheon at Marlborough。”
  The steadiness of his manner; and the intelligence of his eye as
  he   spoke;   convincing   Elinor;   that   whatever   other   unpardonable
  folly  might  bring  him  to  Cleveland;   he   was   not   brought   there   by
  intoxication; she said; after a moment’s recollection;
  “Mr。 Willoughby; you ought to feel; and I certainly do—that after
  what  has   passed—your   coming   here   in   this   manner;   and   forcing
  yourself upon my notice; requires a very particular excuse。—What
  is it; that you mean by it?”—
  “I mean”—said he; with serious energy—“if I can; to make you
  hate   me   one   degree   less   than   you   do now。   I   mean   to   offer   some
  kind of explanation; some kind of apology; for the past; to open my
  whole   heart   to   you;   and   by   convincing   you;   that   though   I   have
  been     always    a  blockhead;     I  have   not   been   always     a  rascal;  to
  obtain something like forgiveness from Ma—from your sister。”
  “Is this the real reason of your coming?”
  “Upon   my   soul   it   is;”—was   his   answer;   with   a   warmth   which
  brought   all   the   former   Willoughby   to   her   remembrance;   and   in
  spite of herself made her think him sincere。
  “If   that  is  all;  you   may    be  satisfied   already;—for       Marianne
  does—she has long forgiven you。”
  “Has she!”—he cried; in the same eager tone。—“Then she   has
  forgiven me before she ought to have done it。 But she shall forgive
  me again; and on more reasonable grounds。—Now will you listen
  to me?”
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  Elinor bowed her assent。
  “I   do   not  know;”   said   he;   after   a   pause   of   expectation   on   her
  side;    and    thoughtfulness        on   his   own;—“how        you     may     have
  accounted       for  my    behaviour      to  your   sister;   or  what    diabolical
  motive   you   may   have   imputed   to   me。—Perhaps   you   will   hardly
  think the better of me;—it is worth the trial however; and you shall
  hear   every   thing。   When   I   first  became   intimate   in   your   family;   I
  had no other intention; no other view in the acquaintance than to
  pass     my    time    pleasantly     while    I   was    obliged    to   remain     in
  Devonshire;   more   pleasantly   than   I   had   ever   done   before。   Your
  sister’s lovely person and interesting manners could not but please
  me; and her behaviour to me almost from the first; was of a kind—
  It is astonishing; when I reflect on what it was; and what she was;
  that my heart should have been so insensible! But at first I must
  confess;     my    vanity    only    was    elevated    by    it。  Careless    of  her
  happiness;   thinking   only   of   my   own   amusement;   giving   way   to
  feelings     which     I  had   always     been    too   much     in   the   habit   of
  indulging; I endeavoured; by  every  means  in   my  power;   to  make
  myself      pleasing    to   her;   without     any   design     of  returning     her
  affection。”
  Miss Dashwood; at this point; turning her eyes on him with the
  most angry contempt; stopped him; by saying;
  “It is hardly worth while; Mr。 Willoughby; for you to  relate;   or
  for   me   to   listen   any   longer。   Such   a   beginning   as   this   cannot   be
  followed by  any  thing。—Do  not  let me   be  pained   by   hearing  any
  thing more on the subject。”
  “I insist on you hearing the whole of it;” he replied。 “My fortune
  was never large; and   I   had always   been   expensive;   always   in   the
  habit    of  associating     with   people     of   better  income     than    myself。
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  Every year since my coming of age; or even before; I believe; had
  added to my  debts; and   though  the   death  of  my  old   cousin;   Mrs。
  Smith;   was   to   set   me   free;   yet   that   event   being   uncertain;   and
  possibly far distant; it had been for some time my intention to re…
  establish my  circumstances by  marrying  a   woman   of  fortune。   To
  attach    myself    to  your   sister;   therefore;   was    not   a  thing   to  be
  thought of;—and with a meanness; selfishness; cruelty—which no
  indignant; no contemptuous look; even of yours; Miss Dashwood;
  can ever reprobate too much—I was acting in this manner; trying
  to engage her regard; without a thought of returning it。—But one
  thing may be said for me; even in that horrid state of selfish vanity;
  I did not know the extent of the injury I meditated; because I did
  not then know what it was to love。 But have I ever known it?—Well
  may it be doubted; for; had I really loved; could I have sacrificed
  my feelings to vanity; to avarice?—or; what is more; could I have
  sacrificed     hers?—But       I  have   done    it。  To  avoid   a  comparative
  poverty; which her affection and her society would have deprived
  of all its horrors; I have; by raising myself to affluence; lost every
  thing that could make it a blessing。”
  “You did then;”   said Elinor;   a little softened; “believe   yourself
  at one time attached to her?”
  “To    have    resisted   such    attractions;   to  have    withstood     such
  tenderness!—Is there a man on earth  who  could   have   done it?—
  Yes;   I   found  myself;   by  insensible   degrees;  sincerely  fond   of   her;
  and the happiest hours of my life were what I spent with her when
  I   felt  my   intentions    were    strictly  honourable;     and    my   feelings
  blameless。 Even then; however; when fully determined   on  paying
  my addresses to her; I allowed myself most improperly to put off;
  from day to day; the moment of doing it; from an unwillingness to
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  enter into an engagement while my circumstances were so greatly
  embarrassed。   I   will   not   reason   here—nor   will   I   stop   for  you   to
  expatiate      on   the  absurdity;     and    the   worse    than    absurdity;    of
  scrupling to engage my faith where my honour was already bound。
  The   event   has   proved;   that   I   was   a   cunning   fool;   providing   with
  great circumspection for a possible opportunity of making myself
  contemptible        and    wretched       for   ever。   At   last;   however;      my
  resolution   was   taken;   and   I   had   determined;   as   soon   as   I   could
  engage her alone; to justify the attentions I had so invariably paid
  her;   and   openly   assure   her   of   an   affection   which   I   had   already
  taken such pains to display。 But in the interim—in the interim of
  the    very   few   hours    that  were    to  pass;   before    I  could   have   an
  opportunity       of  speaking      with    her   in  private—a       circumstance
  occurred—an unlucky circumstance; to ruin all my resolution; and
  with it all my comfort。 A discovery took place;”—here he hesitated
  and     looked    down。—“Mrs。        Smith     had    somehow      or   other   been
  informed; I imagine by some distant relation; whose interest it was
  to deprive me of her favour; of an affair; a connection—but I need
  not    explain    myself    farther;”   he   added;    looking    at  her   with    an
  heightened        colour     and    an    inquiring      eye—“your        particular
  intimacy—you have probably heard the whole story long ago。”
  “I   have;”   returned   Elinor;   colouring   likewise;   and   hardening
  her heart anew against any compassion for him; “I have  heard   it
  all。 And how you will explain away  any  part  of  your  guilt  in   that
  dreadful business; I confess is beyond my comprehension。”
  “Remember;” cried Willoughby; “from whom you received   the
  account。   Could   it   be   an   impartial   one?   I   acknowledge   that   her
  situation and her character ought to have been respected by me。 I
  do not mean to  justify  myself; but  at  the   same   time cannot leave
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