not　to　worldly　Jesuitism；　and　the　heart　throbs　as　violently　from
  trepidation　as　from　the　generous　impulses　of　young　emotion。
  I　need　say　nothing　of　the　journey　I　made　with　my　mother　from　Paris　to
  Tours。　The　coldness　of　her　behavior　repressed　me。　At　each　relay　I
  tried　to　speak；　but　a　look；　a　word　from　her　frightened　away　the
  speeches　I　had　been　meditating。　At　Orleans；　where　we　had　passed　the
  night；　my　mother　complained　of　my　silence。　I　threw　myself　at　her　feet
  and　clasped　her　knees；　with　tears　I　opened　my　heart。　I　tried　to　touch
  hers　by　the　eloquence　of　my　hungry　love　in　accents　that　might　have
  moved　a　stepmother。　She　replied　that　I　was　playing　comedy。　I
  complained　that　she　had　abandoned　me。　She　called　me　an　unnatural
  child。　My　whole　nature　was　so　wrung　that　at　Blois　I　went　upon　the
  bridge　to　drown　myself　in　the　Loire。　The　height　of　the　parapet
  prevented　my　suicide。
  When　I　reached　home；　my　two　sisters；　who　did　not　know　me；　showed　more
  surprise　than　tenderness。　Afterwards；　however；　they　seemed；　by
  comparison；　to　be　full　of　kindness　towards　me。　I　was　given　a　room　on
  the　third　story。　You　will　understand　the　extent　of　my　hardships　when　I
  tell　you　that　my　mother　left　me；　a　young　man　of　twenty；　without　other
  linen　than　my　miserable　school　outfit；　or　any　other　outside　clothes
  than　those　I　had　long　worn　in　Paris。　If　I　ran　from　one　end　of　the　room
  to　the　other　to　pick　up　her　handkerchief；　she　took　it　with　the　cold
  thanks　a　lady　gives　to　her　footman。　Driven　to　watch　her　to　find　if
  there　were　any　soft　spot　where　I　could　fasten　the　rootlets　of
  affection；　I　came　to　see　her　as　she　was；a　tall；　spare　woman；　given
  to　cards；　egotistical　and　insolent；　like　all　the　Listomeres；　who　count
  insolence　as　part　of　their　dowry。　She　saw　nothing　in　life　except
  duties　to　be　fulfilled。　All　cold　women　whom　I　have　known　made；　as　she
  did；　a　religion　of　duty；　she　received　our　homage　as　a　priest　receives
  the　incense　of　the　mass。　My　elder　brother　appeared　to　absorb　the
  trifling　sentiment　of　maternity　which　was　in　her　nature。　She　stabbed
  us　constantly　with　her　sharp　irony；the　weapon　of　those　who　have　no
  heart；and　which　she　used　against　us；　who　could　make　her　no　reply。
  Notwithstanding　these　thorny　hindrances；　the　instinctive　sentiments
  have　so　many　roots；　the　religious　fear　inspired　by　a　mother　whom　it　is
  dangerous　to　displease　holds　by　so　many　threads；　that　the　sublime
  mistakeif　I　may　so　call　itof　our　love　for　our　mother　lasted　until
  the　day；　much　later　in　our　lives；　when　we　judged　her　finally。　This
  terrible　despotism　drove　from　my　mind　all　thoughts　of　the　voluptuous
  enjoyments　I　had　dreamed　of　finding　at　Tours。　In　despair　I　took　refuge
  in　my　father's　library；　where　I　set　myself　to　read　every　book　I　did
  not　know。　These　long　periods　of　hard　study　saved　me　from　contact　with
  my　mother；　but　they　aggravated　the　dangers　of　my　moral　condition。
  Sometimes　my　eldest　sistershe　who　afterwards　married　our　cousin；　the
  Marquis　de　Listomeretried　to　comfort　me；　without；　however；　being
  able　to　calm　the　irritation　to　which　I　was　a　victim。　I　desired　to　die。
  Great　events；　of　which　I　knew　nothing；　were　then　in　preparation。　The
  Duc　d'Angouleme；　who　had　left　Bordeaux　to　join　Louis　XVIII。　in　Paris；
  was　received　in　every　town　through　which　he　passed　with　ovations
  inspired　by　the　enthusiasm　felt　throughout　old　France　at　the　return　of
  the　Bourbons。　Touraine　was　aroused　for　its　legitimate　princes；　the
  town　itself　was　in　a　flutter；　every　window　decorated；　the　inhabitants
  in　their　Sunday　clothes；　a　festival　in　preparation；　and　that　nameless
  excitement　in　the　air　which　intoxicates；　and　which　gave　me　a　strong
  desire　to　be　present　at　the　ball　given　by　the　duke。　When　I　summoned
  courage　to　make　this　request　of　my　mother；　who　was　too　ill　to　go
  herself；　she　became　extremely　angry。　〃Had　I　come　from　Congo？〃　she
  inquired。　〃How　could　I　suppose　that　our　family　would　not　be
  represented　at　the　ball？　In　the　absence　of　my　father　and　brother；　of
  course　it　was　my　duty　to　be　present。　Had　I　no　mother？　Was　she　not
  always　thinking　of　the　welfare　of　her　children？〃
  In　a　moment　the　semi…disinherited　son　had　become　a　personage！　I　was
  more　dumfounded　by　my　importance　than　by　the　deluge　of　ironical
  reasoning　with　which　my　mother　received　my　request。　I　questioned　my
  sisters；　and　then　discovered　that　my　mother；　who　liked　such　theatrical
  plots；　was　already　attending　to　my　clothes。　The　tailors　in　Tours　were
  fully　occupied　by　the　sudden　demands　of　their　regular　customers；　and
  my　mother　was　forced　to　employ　her　usual　seamstress；　whoaccording　to
  provincial　customcould　do　all　kinds　of　sewing。　A　bottle…blue　coat
  had　been　secretly　made　for　me；　after　a　fashion；　and　silk　stockings　and
  pumps　provided；　waistcoats　were　then　worn　short；　so　that　I　could　wear
  one　of　my　father's；　and　for　the　first　time　in　my　life　I　had　a　shirt
  with　a　frill；　the　pleatings　of　which　puffed　out　my　chest　and　were
  gathered　in　to　the　knot　of　my　cravat。　When　dressed　in　this　apparel　I
  looked　so　little　like　myself　that　my　sister's　compliments　nerved　me　to
  face　all　Touraine　at　the　ball。　But　it　was　a　bold　enterprise。　Thanks　to
  my　slimness　I　slipped　into　a　tent　set　up　in　the　gardens　of　the　Papion
  house；　and　found　a　place　close　to　the　armchair　in　which　the　duke　was
  seated。　Instantly　I　was　suffocated　by　the　heat；　and　dazzled　by　the
  lights；　the　scarlet　draperies；　the　gilded　ornaments；　the　dresses；　and
  the　diamonds　of　the　first　public　ball　I　had　ever　witnessed。　I　was
  pushed　hither　and　thither　by　a　mass　of　men　and　women；　who　hustled　each
  other　in　a　cloud　of　dust。　The　brazen　clash　of　military　music　was
  drowned　in　the　hurrahs　and　acclamations　of　〃Long　live　the　Duc
  d'Angouleme！　Long　live　the　King！　Long　live　the　Bourbons！〃　The　ball　was
  an　outburst　of　pent…up　enthusiasm；　where　each　man　endeavored　to　outdo
  the　rest　in　his　fierce　haste　to　worship　the　rising　sun；an　exhibition
  of　partisan　greed　which　left　me　unmoved；　or　rather；　it　disgusted　me
  and　drove　me　back　within　myself。
  Swept　onward　like　a　straw　in　the　whirlwind；　I　was　seized　with　a
  childish　desire　to　be　the　Duc　d'Angouleme　himself；　to　be　one　of　these
  princes　parading　before　an　awed　assemblage。　This　silly　fancy　of　a
  Tourangean　lad　roused　an　ambition　to　which　my　nature　and　the
  surrounding　circumstances　lent　dignity。　Who　would　not　envy　such
  worship？a　magnificent　repetition　of　which　I　saw　a　few　months　later；
  when　all　Paris　rushed　to　the　feet　of　the　Emperor　on　his　return　from
  Elba。　The　sense　of　this　dominion　exercised　over　the　masses；　whose
  feelings　and　whose　very　life　are　thus　merged　into　one　soul；　dedicated
  me　then　and　thenceforth　to　glory；　that　priestess　who　slaughters　the
  Frenchmen　of　to…day　as　the　Druidess　once　sacrificed　the　Gauls。
  Suddenly　I　met　the　woman　who　was　destined　to　spur　these　ambitious
  desires　and　to　crown　them　by　sending　me　into　the　heart　of　royalty。　Too
  timid　to　ask　any　one　to　dance；fearing；　moreover；　to　confuse　the
  figures；I　naturally　became　very　awkward；　and　did　not　know　what　to　do
  with　my　arms　and　legs。　Just　as　I　was　suffering　severely　from　the
  pressure　of　the　crowd　an　officer　stepped　on　my　feet；　swollen　by　the
  new　leather　of　my　shoes　as　well　as　by　the　heat。　This　disgusted　me　with
  the　whole　affair。　It　was　impossible　to　get　away；　but　I　took　refuge　in
  a　corner　of　a　room　at　the　end　of　an　empty　bench；　where　I　sat　with
  fixed　eyes；　motionless　and　sullen。　Misled　by　my　puny　appearance；　a
  womantaking　me　for　a　sleepy　childslid　softly　into　the　place　beside
  me；　with　the　motion　of　a　bird　as　she　drops　upon　her　nest。　Instantly　I
  breathed　the　woman…atmosphere；　which　irradiated　my　soul　as；　in　after
  days；　oriental　poesy　has　shone　there。　I　looked　at　my　neighbor；　and　was
  more　dazzled　by　that　vision　than　I　had　been　by　the　scene　of　the　fete。
  If　you　have　understood　this　history　of　my　early　life　you　will　guess
  the　feelings　which　now　welled　up　within　me。　My　eyes　rested　suddenly　on
  white；　rounded　shoulders　where　I　would　fain　have　laid　my　head；
  shoulders　faintly　rosy；　which　seemed　to　blush　as　if　uncovered　for　the
  first　time；　modest　shoulders；　that　possessed　a　soul；　and　reflected
  light　from　their　satin　surface　as　from　a　silken　texture。　These
  shoulders　were　parted　by　a　line　along　which　my　eyes　wandered。　I　raised
  myself　to　see　the　bust　and　was　spell…bound　by　the　beauty　of　the　bosom；
  chastely　covered　with　gauze；　where　blue…veined　globes　of　perfect
  outline　were　softly　hidden　in　waves　of　lace。　The　slightest　details　of
  the　head　were　each　and　all　enchantments　which　awakened　infinite
  delights　within　me；　the　brilliancy　of　the　hair　laid　smoothly　above　a
  neck　as　soft　and　velvety　as　a　child's；　the　white　lines　drawn　by　the
  comb　where　my　imagination　ran　as　along　a　dewy　path；all　these　things
  put　me；　as　it　were；　beside　myself。　Glancing　round　to　be　sure　that　no
  one　saw　me；　I　threw　myself　upon　those　shoulders　as　a　child　upon　the
  breast　of　its　mother；　kissing　them　as　I　laid　my　head　there。　The　woman
  uttered　a　piercing　cry；　which　the　noise　of　the　musi