their　calamity；　it　is　because　they　loved　rank；　and
  horses；　and　plate；　and　carriages；　and　COURT　GUIDES；　and
  millinery；　and　would　sacrifice　all　to　attain　those
  objects。
  And　who　misguides　them？　　If　the　world　were　more　simple；
  would　not　those　foolish　people　follow　the　fashion？　　Does
  not　the　world　love　COURT　GUIDES；　and　millinery；　and
  plate；　and　carriages？　　Mercy　on　us！　　Read　the　fashionable
  intelligence；　read　the　COURT　CIRCULAR；　read　the　genteel
  novels；　survey　mankind；　from　Pimlico　to　Red　Lion　Square；
  and　see　how　the　Poor　Snob　is　aping　the　Rich　Snob；　how　the
  Mean　Snob　is　grovelling　at　the　feet　of　the　Proud　Snob；
  and　the　Great　Snob　is　lording　it　over　his　humble　brother。
  Does　the　idea　of　equality　ever　enter　Dives'　head？　　Will
  it　ever？　　Will　the　Duchess　of　Fitzbattleaxe　（I　like　a
  good　name）　ever　believe　that　Lady　Croesus；　her　next…door
  neighbour　in　Belgrave　Square；　is　as　good　a　lady　as　her
  Grace？　　Will　Lady　Croesus　ever　leave　off　pining　the
  Duchess's　parties；　and　cease　patronizing　Mrs。　Broadcloth
  whose　husband　has　not　got　his　Baronetcy　yet？　　Will　Mrs。
  Broadcloth　ever　heartily　shake　hands　with　Mrs。　Seedy；　and
  give　up　those　odious　calculations　about　poor　dear　Mrs。
  Seedy's　income？　　Will　Mrs。　Seedy　who　is　starving　in　her
  great　house；　go　and　live　comfortably　in　a　little　one；　or
  in　lodgings？　　Will　her　landlady；　Miss　Letsam；　ever　stop
  wondering　at　the　familiarity　of　tradespeople；　or　rebuking
  the　insolence　of　Suky；　the　maid；　who　wears　flowers　under
  her　bonnet　like　a　lady？
  But　why　hope；　why　wish　for　such　times？　　Do　I　wish　all
  Snobs　to　perish？　　Do　I　wish　these　Snob　papers　to
  determine？　　Suicidal　fool；　art　not　thou；　too；　a　Snob　and
  a　brother？
  CHAPTER　XXXVII
  CLUB　SNOBS
  As　I　wish　to　be　particularly　agreeable　to　the　ladies　（to
  whom　I　make　my　most　humble　obeisance）；　we　will　now；　if
  you　please；　commence　maligning　a　class　of　Snobs　against
  whom；　I　believe；　most　female　minds　are　embitteredI　mean
  Club　Snobs。　　I　have　very　seldom　heard　even　the　most
  gentle　and　placable　woman　speak　without　a　little　feeling
  of　bitterness　against　those　social　institutions；　those
  palaces　swaggering　in　St。　James's；　which　are　open　to　the
  men；　while　the　ladies　have　but　their　dingy　three…windowed
  brick　boxes　in　Belgravia　or　in　Paddingtonia；　or　in　the
  region　between　the　road　of　Edgware　and　that　of　Gray's
  Inn。
  In　my　grandfather's　time　it　used　to　be　Freemasonry　that
  roused　their　anger。　　It　was　my　grand…aunt　（whose　portrait
  we　still　have　in　the　family）　who　got　into　the　clock…case
  at　the　Royal　Rosicrucian　Lodge　at　Bungay；　Suffolk；　to　spy
  the　proceedings　of　the　Society；　of　which　her　husband　was
  a　member；　and　being　frightened　by　the　sudden　whirring　and
  striking　eleven　of　the　clock　（just　as　the　Deputy…Grand…
  Master　was　bringing　in　the　mystic　gridiron　for　the
  reception　of　a　neophyte）；　rushed　out　into　the　midst　of
  the　lodge　assembled；　and　was　elected；　by　a　desperate
  unanimity；　Deputy…Grand…Mistress　for　life。　　Though　that
  admirable　and　courageous　female　never　subsequently
  breathed　a　word　with　regard　to　the　secrets　of　the
  initiation；　yet　she　inspired　all　our　family　with　such　a
  terror　regarding　the　mysteries　of　Jachin　and　Boaz；　that
  none　of　our　family　have　ever　since　joined　the　Society；　or
  worn　the　dreadful　Masonic　insignia。
  It　is　known　that　Orpheus　was　torn　to　pieces　by　some
  justly　indignant　Thracian　ladies　for　belonging　to　an
  Harmonic　Lodge。　　'Let　him　go　back　to　Eurydice；'　they
  said；　'whom　he　is　pretending　to　regret　so。'　　But　the
  history　is　given　in　Dr。　Lempriere's　elegant　dictionary　in
  a　manner　much　more　forcible　than　any
  this　feeble　pen　can　attempt。　　At　once；　then；　and　without
  verbiage；　let　us　take　up　this　subject…matter　of　Clubs。
  Clubs　ought　not；　in　my　mind；　to　be　permitted　to
  bachelors。　　If　my　friend　of　the　Cuttykilts　had　not　our
  club；　the　'Union　Jack；'　to　go　to　（I　belong　to　the　'U。J。
  and　nine　other　similar　institutions）；　who　knows　but　he
  never　would　be　a　bachelor　at　this　present　moment？
  Instead　of　being　made　comfortable；　and　cockered　up　with
  every　luxury；　as　they　are　at　Clubs；　bachelors　ought　to　be
  rendered　profoundly　miserable；　in　my　opinion。　　Every
  encouragement　should　be　given　to　the　rendering　their
  spare　time　disagreeable。　　There　can　be　no　more　odious
  object；　according　to　my　sentiments；　than　young　Smith　in
  the　pride　of　health；　commanding　his　dinner　of　three
  courses；　than　middle…aged　Jones　wallowing　（as　I　may　say）
  in　an　easy　padded　arm…chair；　over　the　delicious　novel　or
  brilliant　magazine；　or　than　old　Brown；　that　selfish　old
  reprobate　for　whom　mere　literature　has　no　charms；
  stretched　on　the　best　sofa；　sitting　on　the　second　edition
  of　THE　TIMES；　having　the　MORNING　CHRONICLE　between　his
  knees；　the　HERALD　pushed　in　between　his　coat　and
  waistcoat；　the　STANDARD　under　his　arm；　the　GLOBE　under
  the　other　pinion；　and　the　DAILY　NEWS　in　perusal。　　'I'll
  trouble　you　for　PUNCH；　Mr。　Wiggins'　says　the
  unconscionable　old　gormandiser；　interrupting　our　friend；
  who　is　laughing　over　the　periodical　in　question。
  This　kind　of　selfishness　ought　not　to　be。　　No；　no。　　Young
  Smith；　instead　of　his　dinner　and　his　wine；　ought　to　be；
  where？at　the　festive　tea…table；　to　be　sure；　by　the　side
  of　Miss　Higgs；　sipping　the　bohea；　or　tasting　the　harmless
  muffin；　while　old　Mrs。　Higgs　looks　on；　pleased　at　their
  innocent　dalliance；　and　my　friend　Miss　Wirt；　the
  governess；　is　performing　Thalberg's　last　sonata　in　treble
  X。；　totally　unheeded；　at　the　piano。
  Where　should　the　middle…aged　Jones　be？　　At　his　time　of
  life；　he　ought　to　be　the　father　of　a　family。　　At　such　an
  hoursay；　at　nine　o'clock　at　nightthe　nursery…bell
  should　have　just　rung　the　children　to　bed。　　He　and　Mrs。
  J。　ought　to　be；　by　rights；　seated　on　each　side　of　the
  fire　by　the　dining…room　table；　a　bottle　of　port…wine
  between　them；　not　so　full　as　it　was　an　hour　since。　　Mrs。
  J。　has　had　two　glasses；　Mrs。　Grumble　（Jones's　mother…in…
  law）　has　had　three；　Jones　himself　has　finished　the　rest；
  and　dozes　comfortably　until　bed…time。
  And　Brown；　that　old　newspaper…devouring　miscreant；　what
  right　has　HE　at　a　club　at　a　decent　hour　of　night？　　He
  ought　to　be　playing　his　rubber　with　Miss　MacWhirter；　his
  wife；　and　the　family　apothecary。　　His　candle　ought　to　be
  brought　to　him　at　ten　o'clock；　and　he　should　retire　to
  rest　just　as　the　young　people　were　thinking　of　a　dance。
  How　much　finer；　simpler；　nobler　are　the　several
  employments　I　have　sketched　out　for　these　gentlemen　than
  their　present　nightly　orgies　at　the　horrid　Club。
  And；　ladies；　think　of　men　who　do　not　merely　frequent　the
  dining…room　and　library；　but　who　use　other　apartments　of
  those　horrible　dens　which　it　is　my　purpose　to　batter
  down；　think　of　Cannon；　the　wretch；　with　his　coat　off；　at
  his　age　and　size；　clattering　the　balls　over　the　billiard…
  table　all　night；　and　making　bets　with　that　odious　Captain
  Spot！think　of　Pam　in　a　dark　room　with　Bob　Trumper；　Jack
  Deuceace；　and　Charley　Vole；　playing；　the　poor　dear
  misguided　wretch；　guinea　points　and　five　pounds　on　the
  rubber！above　all；　thinkoh；　think　of　that　den　of
  abomination；　which；　I　am　told；　has　been　established　in
  SOME　clubs；　called　THE　SMOKING…ROOM；think　of　the
  debauchees　who　congregate　there；　the　quantities　of
  reeking　whisky…punch　or　more　dangerous　sherry…cobbler
  which　they　consume；think　of　them　coming　home　at　cock…
  crow　and　letting　themselves　into　the　quiet　house　with　the
  Chubb　key；　think　of　them；　the　hypocrites；　taking　off
  their　insidious　boots　before　they　slink　upstairs；　the
  children　sleeping　overhead；　the　wife　of　their　bosom　alone
  with　the　waning　rushlight　in　the　two…pair　frontthat
  chamber　so　soon　to　be　rendered　hateful　by　the　smell　of
  their　stale　cigars：　I　am　not　an　advocate　of　violence；　I
  am　not；　by　nature；　of　an　incendiary　turn　of　mind：　but　if；
  my　dear　ladies；　you　are　for　assassinating　Mr。　Chubb　and
  burning　down　Club…houses　in　St。　James's；　there　is　ONE
  Snob　at　who　will　not　think　the　worse　of　you。
  The　only　men　who；　as　I　opine；　ought　to　be　allowed　the　use
  of　Clubs；　are　married　men　without　a　profession。　　The
  continual　presence　of　these　in　a　house　cannot　be
  thought；　even　by　the　most　loving　of　wives；　desirable。
  Say　the　girls　are　beginning　to　practise　their　music；
  which　in　an　honourable　English　family；　ought　to　occupy
  every　young　gentlewoman　three　hours；　it　would　be　rather
  hard　to　call　upon　poor　papa　to　sit　in　the　drawing…room
  all　that　time；　and　listen　to　the　interminable　discords
  and　shrieks　which　are　elicited　from　the　miserable　piano
  during　the　above　necessary　operation。　　A　man　with　a　good
  ear；　especially；　would　go　mad；　if　compelled　daily　to
  submit　to　this　horror。
  Or　suppose　you　have　a　fancy　to　go　to　the　milliner's；　or
  to　Howell　and　James's；　it　is　manifest；　my　dear　Madam；
  that　your　husband　is　much　better　at　the　Club　during　these
  operations　than　by　your　side　in　the　carriage；　or　perched
  in　wonder　upon　one　of　the　stools　at　Shawl　and　Gimcrack's；
  whil