Lady　Rose　talked　literature；　and　about　the　book…club　at
  Guttlebury；　and　is　very　strong　in　voyages　and　travels。
  She　has　a　prodigious　interest　in　Borneo；　and　displayed　a
  knowledge　of　the　history　of　the　Punjaub　and　Kaffirland
  that　does　credit　to　her　memory。　　Old　General　Sago；　who
  sat　perfectly　silent　and　plethoric；　roused　up　as　from　a
  lethargy　when　the　former　country　was　mentioned；　and　gave
  the　company　his　story　about　a　hog…hunt　at　Ramjugger。　　I
  observed　her　ladyship　treated　with　something　like
  contempt　her　neighbour　the　Reverend　Lionel　Pettipois；　a
  young　divine　whom　you　may　track　through　the　country　by
  little　'awakening'　books　at　half…a…crown　a　hundred；　which
  dribble　out　of　his　pockets　wherever　he　goes。　　I　saw　him
  give　Miss　Wirt　a　sheaf　of　'The　Little　Washer…woman　on
  Putney　Common；'　and　to　Miss　Hawbuck　a　couple　of　dozen　of
  'Meat　in　the　Tray；　or　the　Young　Butcher…boy　Rescued；'　and
  on　paying　a　visit　to　Guttlebury　gaol；　I　saw　two　notorious
  fellows　waiting　their　trial　there　（and　temporarily
  occupied　with　a　game　of　cribbage）；　to　whom　his　Reverence
  offered　a　tract　as　he　was　walking　over　Crackshins　Common；
  and　who　robbed　him　of　his　purse；　umbrella；　and　cambric
  handkerchief；　leaving　him　the　tracts　to　distribute
  elsewhere。
  CHAPTER　XXXI
  A　VISIT　TO　SOME　COUNTRY　SNOBS
  'Why；　dear　Mr。　Snob；'　said　a　young　lady　of　rank　and
  fashion　（to　whom　I　present　my　best　compliments）；　'if　you
  found　everything　so　SNOBBISH　at　the　Evergreens；　if　the
  pig　bored　you　and　the　mutton　was　not　to　your　liking；　and
  Mrs。　Ponto　was　a　humbug；　and　Miss　Wirt　a　nuisance；　with
  her　abominable　piano　practice；why　did　you　stay　so
  long？'
  Ah；　Miss；　what　a　question！　　Have　you　never　heard　of
  gallant　British　soldiers　storming　batteries；　of　doctors
  passing　nights　in　plague　wards　of　lazarettos；　and　other
  instances　of　martyrdom？　　What　do　you　suppose　induced
  gentlemen　to　walk　two　miles　up　to　the　batteries　of
  Sabroan；　with　a　hundred　and　fifty　thundering　guns　bowling
  them　down　by　hundreds？not　pleasure；　surely。　　What
  causes　your　respected　father　to　quit　his　comfortable　home
  for　his　chambers；　after　dinner；　and　pore　over　the　most
  dreary　law　papers　until　long　past　midnight？；
  Mademoiselle；　duty；　which　must　be　done　alike　by　military；
  or　legal；　or　literary　gents。　　There's　a　power　of
  martyrdom　in　our　profession。
  You　won't　believe　it？　　Your　rosy　lips　assume　a　smile　of
  incredulitya　most　naughty　and　odious　expression　in　a
  young　lady's　face。　　Well；　then；　the　fact　is；　that　my
  chambers；　No。　24；　Pump　Court；　Temple；　were　being　painted
  by　the　Honourable　Society；　and　Mrs。　Slamkin；　my
  laundress；　having　occasion　to　go　into　Durham　to　see　her
  daughter；　who　is　married；　and　has　presented　her　with　the
  sweetest　little　grandsona　few　weeks　could　not　be　better
  spent　than　in　rusticating。　　But　ah；　how　delightful　Pump
  Court　looked　when　I　revisited　its　well…known　chimney…
  pots！　　CARI　LUOGHI。　　Welcome；　welcome；　O　fog　and　smut！
  But　if　you　think　there　is　no　moral　in　the　foregoing
  account　of　the　Pontine　family；　you　are；　Madam；　most
  painfully　mistaken。　　In　this　very　chapter　we　are　going　to
  have　the　moralwhy；　the　whole　of　the　papers　are　nothing
  BUT　the　moral；　setting　forth　as　they　do　the　folly　of
  being　a　Snob。
  You　will　remark　that　in　the　Country　Snobography　my　poor
  friend　Ponto　has　been　held　up　almost　exclusively　for　the
  public　gazeand　why？　　Because　we　went　to　no　other　house？
  Because　other　families　did　not　welcome　us　to　their
  mahogany？　　No；　no。　　Sir　John　Hawbuck　of　the　Haws；　Sir
  John　Hipsley　of　Briary　Hall；　don't　shut　the　gates　of
  hospitality：　of　General　Sago's　mulligatawny　I　could　speak
  from　experience。　　And　the　two　old　ladies　at　Guttlebury；
  were　they　nothing？　　Do　you　suppose　that　an　agreeable
  young　dog；　who　shall　be　nameless；　would　not　be　made
  welcome？　　Don't　you　know　that　people　are　too　glad　to　see
  ANYBODY　in　the　country？
  But　those　dignified　personages　do　not　enter　into　the
  scheme　of　the　present　work；　and　are　but　minor　characters
  of　our　Snob　drama；　just　as；　in　the　play；　kings　and
  emperors　are　not　half　so　important　as　many　humble
  persons。　　The　DOGE　OF　VENICE；　for　instance；　gives　way　to
  OTHELLO；　who　is　but　a　nigger；　and　the　KING　OF　FRANCE　to
  FALCONBRIDGE；　who　is　a　gentleman　of　positively　no　birth
  at　all。　　So　with　the　exalted　characters　above　mentioned。
  I　perfectly　well　recollect　that　the　claret　at　Hawbuck's
  was　not　by　any　means　so　good　as　that　of　Hipsley's；　while；
  on　the　contrary；　some　white　hermitage　at　the　Haws　（by　the
  way；　the　butler　only　gave　me　half　a　glass　each　time）　was
  supernacular。　　And　I　remember　the　conversations。　　O
  Madam；　Madam；　how　stupid　they　were！　　The　subsoil
  ploughing；　the　pheasants　and　poaching；　the　row　about　the
  representation　of　the　county；　the　Earl　of
  Mangelwurzelshire　being　at　variance　with　his　relative　and
  nominee；　the　Honourable　Marmaduke　Tomnoddy；　all　these　I
  could　put　down；　had　I　a　mind　to　violate　the　confidence　of
  private　life；　and　a　great　deal　of　conversation　about　the
  weather；　the　Mangelwurzelshire　Hunt；　new　manures；　and
  eating　and　drinking；　of　course。
  But　CUI　BONO？　　In　these　perfectly　stupid　and　honourable
  families　there　is　not　that　Snobbishness　which　it　is　our
  purpose　to　expose。　　An　ox　is　an　oxa　great　hulking；　fat…
  sided；　bellowing；　munching　Beef。　　He　ruminates　according
  to　his　nature；　and　consumes　his　destined　portion　of
  turnips　or　oilcake；　until　the　time　comes　for　his
  disappearance　from　the　pastures；　to　be　succeeded　by　other
  deep…lunged　and　fat…ribbed　animals。　　Perhaps　we　do　not
  respect　an　ox。　　We　rather　acquiesce　in　him。　　The　Snob；　my
  dear　Madam；　is　the　Frog　that　tries　to　swell　himself　to　ox
  size。　　Let　us　pelt　the　silly　brute　out　of　his　folly。
  Look；　I　pray　you；　at　the　case　of　my　unfortunate　friend
  Ponto；　a　good…natured；　kindly　English　gentlemannot
  over…wise；　but　quite　passablefond　of　port…wine；　of　his
  family；　of　country　sports　and　agriculture；　hospitably
  minded；　with　as　pretty　a　little　patrimonial　country…house
  as　heart　can　desire；　and　a　thousand　pounds　a　year。　　It　is
  not　much；　but；　ENTRE　NOUS；　people　can　live　for　less；　and
  not　uncomfortably。
  For　instance；　there　is　the　doctor；　whom　Mrs。　P。　does　not
  condescend　to　visit：　that　man　educates　a　mirific　family；
  and　is　loved　by　the　poor　for　miles　round：　and　gives　them
  port…wine　for　physic　and　medicine；　gratis。　　And　how　those
  people　can　get　on　with　their　pittance；　as　Mrs。　Ponto
  says；　is　a　wonder　to　HER。
  Again；　there　is　the　clergyman；　Doctor　Chrysostom；　Mrs。
  P。　says　they　quarrelled　about　Puseyism；　but　I　am　given　to
  understand　it　was　because　Mrs。　C。　had　the　PAS　of　her　at
  the　Hawsyou　may　see　what　the　value　of　his　living　is　any
  day　in　the　'Clerical　Guide；'　but　you　don't　know　what　he
  gives　away。
  Even　Pettipois　allows　that；　in　whose　eyes　the　Doctor's
  surplice　is　a　scarlet　abomination；　and　so　does　Pettipois
  do　his　duty　in　his　way；　and　administer　not　only　his
  tracts　and　his　talk；　but　his　money　and　his　means　to　his
  people。　　As　a　lord's　son；　by　the　way；　Mrs。　Ponto　is
  uncommonly　anxious　that　he　should　marry　EITHER　of　the
  girls　whom　Lord　Gules　does　not　intend　to　choose。
  Well；　although　Pon's　income　would　make　up　almost　as　much
  as　that　of　these　three　worthies　put　together　oh；　my
  dear　Madam；　see　in　what　hopeless　penury　the　poor　fellow
  lives！　　What　tenant　can　look　to　HIS　forbearance？　　What
  poor　man　can　hope　for　HIS　charity？　　'Master's　the　best　of
  men；'　honest　Stripes　says；　'and　when　we　was　in　the
  ridgment　a　more　free…handed　chap　didn't　live。　　But　the
  way　in　which　Missus　DU　scryou；　I　wonder　the　young　ladies
  is　alive；　that　I　du！'
  They　live　upon　a　fine　governess　and　fine　masters；　and
  have　clothes　made　by　Lady　Carabas's　own　milliner；　and
  their　brother　rides　with　earls　to　cover；　and　only　the
  best　people　in　the　county　visit　at　the　Evergreens；　and
  Mrs。　Ponto　thinks　herself　a　paragon　of　wives　and　mothers；
  and　a　wonder　of　the　world；　for　doing　all　this　misery　and
  humbug；　and　snobbishness；　on　a　thousand　a　year。
  What　an　inexpressible　comfort　it　was；　my　dear　Madam；　when
  Stripes　put　my　portmanteau　in　the　four…wheeled　chaise；
  and　（poor　P　on　being　touched　with　sciatica）　drove　me　over
  to　'Carabas　Arms'　at　Guttlebury；　where　we　took　leave。
  There　were　some　bagmen　there　in　the　Commercial　Room；　and
  one　talked　about　the　house　he　represented；　and　another
  about　his　dinner；　and　a　third　about　the　Inns　on　the　road；
  and　so　fortha　talk；　not　very　wise；　but　honest　and　to
  the　purposeabout　as　good　as　that　of　the　country
  gentlemen：　and　oh；　how　much　pleasanter　than　listening　to
  Miss　Wirt's　show…pieces　on　the　piano；　and　Mrs。　Ponto's
  genteel　cackle　about　the　fashion　and　the　county　families！
  CHAPTER　XXXII
  SNOBBIUM　GATHERUM
  WHEN　I　see　the　great　effect　which　these　papers　are
  producing　on　an　intelligent　public；　I　have　a　strong　hope
  that　before　long　we　shall　have　a　regular　Snob　department
  in　the　newspapers；　just　as　we　have　the　Police　Co