attempts　at　gaiety：　those　woful　sallies：　that　jingling
  old　piano；　oh；　it　makes　the　heart　sick　to　see　and　hear
  them。　　As　Mrs。　Raff；　with　her　company　of　pale　daughters；
  gives　a　penny　tea　to　Mrs。　Diddler；　they　talk　about　bygone
  times　and　the　fine　society　they　kept；　and　they　sing
  feeble　songs　out　of　tattered　old　music…books；　and　while
  engaged　in　this　sort　of　entertainment；　in　comes　Captain
  Raff　with　his　greasy　hat　on　one　side；　and　straightway　the
  whole　of　the　dismal　room　reeks　with　a　mingled　odour　of
  smoke　and　spirits。
  Has　not　everybody　who　has　lived　abroad　met　Captain　Raff？
  His　name　is　proclaimed；　every　now　and　then；　by　Mr。
  Sheriff's　Officer　Hemp；　and　about　Boulogne；　and　Paris；
  and　Brussels；　there　are　so　many　of　his　sort　that　I　will
  lay　a　wager　that　I　shall　be　accused　of　gross　personality
  for　showing　him　up。　　Many　a　less　irreclaimable　villain　is
  transported；　many　a　more　honourable　man　is　at　present　at
  the　treadmill；　and　although　we　are　the　noblest；　greatest；
  most　religious；　and　most　moral　people　in　the　world；　I
  would　still　like　to　know　where；　except　in　the　United
  Kingdom；　debts　are　a　matter　of　joke；　and　making　tradesmen
  'suffer'　a　sport　that　gentlemen　own　to？　　It　is
  dishonourable　to　owe　money　in　France。　　You　never　hear
  people　in　other　parts　of　Europe　brag　of　their　swindling；
  or　see　a　prison　in　a　large　Continental　town　which　is　not
  more　or　less　peopled　with　English　rogues。
  A　still　more　loathsome　and　dangerous　Snob　than　the　above
  transparent　and　passive　scamp；　is　frequent　on　the
  continent　of　Europe；　and　my　young　Snob　friends　who　are
  travelling　thither　should　be　especially　warned　against
  him。　　Captain　Legg　is　a　gentleman；　like　Raff；　though
  perhaps　of　a　better　degree。　　He　has　robbed　his　family
  too；　but　of　a　great　deal　more；　and　has　boldly　dishonoured
  bills　for　thousands；　where　Raff　has　been　boggling　over
  the　clumsy　conveyance　of　a　ten…pound　note。　　Legg　is
  always　at　the　best　inn；　with　the　finest　waistcoats　and
  moustaches；　or　tearing　about　in　the　flashest　of　britzkas；
  while　poor　Raff　is　tipsifying　himself　with　spirits；　and
  smoking　cheap　tobacco。　　It　is　amazing　to　think　that　Legg；
  so　often　shown　up；　and　known　everywhere；　is　flourishing
  yet。　　He　would　sink　into　utter　ruin；　but　for　the　constant
  and　ardent　love　of　gentility　that　distinguishes　the
  English　Snob。　　There　is　many　a　young　fellow　of　the　middle
  classes　who　must　know　Legg　to　be　a　rogue　and　a　cheat；　and
  yet　from　his　desire　to　be　in　the　fashion；　and　his
  admiration　of　tip…top　swells；　and　from　his　ambition　to
  air　himself　by　the　side　of　a　Lord's　son；　will　let　Legg
  make　an　income　out　of　him；　content　to　pay；　so　long　as　he
  can　enjoy　that　society。　　Many　a　worthy　father　of　a
  family；　when　he　hears　that　his　son　is　riding　about　with
  Captain　Legg；　Lord　Levant's　son；　is　rather　pleased　that
  young　Hopeful　should　be　in　such　good　company。
  Legg　and　his　friend；　Major　Macer；　make　professional　tours
  through　Europe；　and　are　to　be　found　at　the　right　places
  at　the　right　time。　　Last　year　I　heard　how　my　young
  acquaintance；　Mr。　Muff；　from　Oxford；　going　to　see　a
  little　life　at　a　Carnival　ball　at　Paris；　was　accosted　by
  an　Englishman　who　did　not　know　a　word　of　the　d
  language；　and　hearing　Muff　speak　it　so　admirably；　begged
  him　to　interpret　to　a　waiter　with　whom　there　was　a
  dispute　about　refreshments。　　It　was　quite　a　comfort；　the
  stranger　said；　to　see　an　honest　English　face；　and　did
  Muff　know　where　there　was　a　good　place　for　supper？　　So
  those　two　went　to　supper；　and　who　should　come　in；　of　all
  men　in　the　world；　but　Major　Macer？　　And　so　Legg
  introduced　Macer；　and　so　there　came　on　a　little　intimacy；
  and　three…card　loo；　&c。　&c。。　　Year　after　year　scores　of
  Muffs；　in　various　places　in　the　world；　are　victimised　by
  Legg　and　Macer。　　The　story　is　so　stale；　the　trick　of
  seduction　so　entirely　old　and　clumsy；　that　it　is　only　a
  wonder　people　can　be　taken　in　any　more：　but　the
  temptations　of　vice　and　gentility　together　are　too　much
  for　young　English　Snobs；　and　those　simple　young　victims
  are　caught　fresh　every　day。　　Though　it　is　only　to　be
  kicked　and　cheated　by　men　of　fashion；　your　true　British
  Snob　will　present　himself　for　the　honour。
  I　need　not　allude　here　to　that　very　common　British　Snob；
  who　makes　desperate　efforts　at　becoming　intimate　with　the
  great　Continental　aristocracy；　such　as　old　Rolls；　the
  baker；　who　has　set　up　his　quarters　in　the　Faubourg　Saint
  Germain；　and　will　receive　none　but　Carlists；　and　no
  French　gentleman　under　the　rank　of　a　Marquis。　　We　can　all
  of　us　laugh　at　THAT　fellow's　pretensions　well　enoughwe
  who　tremble　before　a　great　man　of　our　own　nation。　　But；
  as　you　say；　my　brave　and　honest　John　Bull　of　a　Snob；　a
  French　Marquis　of　twenty　descents　is　very　different　from
  an　English　Peer；　and　a　pack　of　beggarly　German　and
  Italian　Fuersten　and　Principi　awaken　the　scorn　of　an
  honest…minded　Briton。　　But　our　aristocracy！that's　a
  very　different　matter。　　They　are　the　real　leaders　of　the
  worldthe　real　old　original　and…no…mistake　nobility。
  Off　with　your　cap；　Snob；　down　on　your　knees；　Snob；　and
  truckle。
  CHAPTER　XXIV
  ON　SOME　COUNTRY　SNOBS
  Tired　of　the　town；　where　the　sight　of　the　closed　shutters
  of　the　nobility；　my　friends；　makes　my　heart　sick　in　my
  walks；　afraid　almost　to　sit　in　those　vast　Pall　Mall
  solitudes；　the　Clubs；　and　of　annoying　the　Club　waiters；
  who　might；　I　thought；　be　going　to　shoot　in　the　country；
  but　for　me；　I　determined　on　a　brief　tour　in　the
  provinces；　and　paying　some　visits　in　the　country　which
  were　long　due。
  My　first　visit　was　to　my　friend　Major　Ponto　（H。P。　of　the
  Horse　Marines）；　in　Mangelwurzelshire。　　The　Major；　in　his
  little　phaeton；　was　in　waiting　to　take　me　up　at　the
  station。　　The　vehicle　was　not　certainly　splendid；　but
  such　a　carriage　as　would　accommodate　a　plain　man　（as
  Ponto　said　he　was）　and　a　numerous　family。　　We　drove　by
  beautiful　fresh　fields　and　green　hedges；　through　a
  cheerful　English　landscape；　the　high…road；　as　smooth　and
  trim　as　the　way　in　a　nobleman's　park；　was　charmingly
  chequered　with　cool　shade　and　golden　sunshine。　　Rustics
  in　snowy　smock…frocks　jerked　their　hats　off　smiling　as　we
  passed。　　Children；　with　cheeks　as　red　as　the　apples　in
  the　orchards；　bobbed　curtsies　to　us　at　the　cottage…doors。
  Blue　church　spires　rose　here　and　there　in　the　distance：
  and　as　the　buxom　gardener's　wife　opened　the　white　gate　at
  the　Major's　little　ivy…covered　lodge；　and　we　drove
  through　the　neat　plantations　of　firs　and　evergreens；　up
  to　the　house；　my　bosom　felt　a　joy　and　elation　which　I
  thought　it　was　impossible　to　experience　in　the　smoky
  atmosphere　of　a　town。　　'Here；'　I　mentally　exclaimed；　'is
  all　peace；　plenty；　happiness。　　Here；　I　shall　be　rid　of
  Snobs。　　There　can　be　none　in　this　charming　Arcadian
  spot。'
  Stripes；　the　Major's　man　（formerly　corporal　in　his
  gallant　corps）；　received　my　portmanteau；　and　an　elegant
  little　present；　which　I　had　brought　from　town　as　a　peace…
  offering　to　Mrs。　Ponto；　viz。；　a　cod　and　oysters　from
  Grove's；　in　a　hamper　about　the　size　of　a　coffin。
  Ponto's　house　（'The　Evergreens'　Mrs。　P。　has　christened
  it）　is　a　perfect　Paradise　of　a　place。　　It　is　all　over
  creepers；　and　bow…windows；　and　verandahs。　　A　wavy　lawn
  tumbles　up　and　down　all　round　it；　with　flower…beds　of
  wonderful　shapes；　and　zigzag　gravel　walks；　and　beautiful
  but　damp　shrubberies　of　myrtles　and　glistening
  laurustines；　which　have　procured　it　its　change　of　name。
  It　was　called　Little　Bullock's　Pound　in　old　Doctor
  Ponto's　time。　　I　had　a　view　of　the　pretty　grounds；　and
  the　stable；　and　the　adjoining　village　and　church；　and　a
  great　park　beyond；　from　the　windows　of　the　bedroom
  whither　Ponto　conducted　me。　　It　was　the　yellow　bedroom；
  the　freshest　and　pleasantest　of　bed…chambers；　the　air　was
  fragrant　with　a　large　bouquet　that　was　placed　on　the
  writing…table；　the　linen　was　fragrant　with　the　lavender
  in　which　it　had　been　laid；　the　chintz　hangings　of　the　bed
  and　the　big　sofa　were；　if　not　fragrant　with　flowers；　at
  least　painted　all　over　with　them；　the　pen…wiper　on　the
  table　was　the　imitation　of　a　double　dahlia；　and　there　was
  accommodation　for　my　watch　in　a　sun…flower　on　the
  mantelpiece。　　A　scarlet…leaved　creeper　came　curling　over
  the　windows；　through　which　the　setting　sun　was　pouring　a
  flood　of　golden　light。　　It　was　all　flowers　and　freshness。
  Oh；　how　unlike　those　black　chimney…pots　in　St。　Alban's
  Place；　London；　on　which　these　weary　eyes　are　accustomed
  to　look。
  'It　must　be　all　happiness　here；　Ponto；'　said　I；　flinging
  myself　down　into　the　snug　BERGERE；　and　inhaling　such　a
  delicious　draught　of　country　air　as　all　the　MILLEFLEURS
  of　Mr。　Atkinson's　shop　cannot　impart　to　any　the　most
  expensive　pocket…handkerchief。
  'Nice　place；　isn't　it？'　said　Ponto。　　'Quiet　and
  unpretending。　　I　like　everything　quiet。　　You've　not
  brought　your　valet　with　you？　　Stripes　will　arrange　your
  dressing　things；'　and　that　functionary；　entering　at　the
  sa