thousand　pounds；　to　pay　off　my　mortgages。　　Let　your　son
  marry　her；　and　she　shall　become　Lady　Blanche　Pump　and
  Aldgate。'
  Old　Pump　and　Aldgate　clutches　at　the　bargain。　　And　a
  comfortable　thing　it　is　to　think　that　birth　can　be　bought
  for　money。　　So　you　learn　to　value　it。　　Why　should　we；　who
  don't　possess　it；　set　a　higher　store　on　it　than　those　who
  do？　　Perhaps　the　best　use　of　that　book；　the　'Peerage；'　is
  to　look　down　the　list；　and　see　how　many　have　bought　and
  sold　birth；how　poor　sprigs　of　nobility　somehow　sell
  themselves　to　rich　City　Snobs'　daughters；　how　rich　City
  Snobs　purchase　noble　ladiesand　so　to　admire　the　double
  baseness　of　the　bargain。
  Old　Pump　and　Aldgate　buys　the　article　and　pays　the　money。
  The　sale　of　the　girl's　person　is　blessed　by　a　Bishop　at
  St。　George's；　Hanover　Square；　and　next　year　you　read；　'At
  Roehampton；　on　Saturday；　the　Lady　Blanche　Pump；　of　a　son
  and　heir。
  After　this　interesting　event；　some　old　acquaintance；　who
  saw　young　Pump　in　the　parlour　at　the　bank　in　the　City；
  said　to　him；　familiarly；　'How's　your　wife；　Pump；　my　boy？'
  Mr。　Pump　looked　exceedingly　puzzled　and　disgusted；　and；
  after　a　pause；　said；　'LADY　BLANCHE　PUMP'　is　pretty　well；
  I　thank　you。'
  'OH；　I　THOUGHT　SHE　WAS　YOUR　WIFE！'　said　the　familiar
  brute；　Snooks；　wishing　him　good…bye；　and　ten　minutes
  after；　the　story　was　all　over　the　Stock　Exchange；　where
  it　is　told；　when　young　Pump　appears；　to　this　very　day。
  We　can　imagine　the　weary　life　this　poor　Pump；　this　martyr
  to　Mammon；　is　compelled　to　undergo。　　Fancy　the　domestic
  enjoyments　of　a　man　who　has　a　wife　who　scorns　him；　who
  cannot　see　his　own　friends　in　his　own　house；　who　having
  deserted　the　middle　rank　of　life；　is　not　yet　admitted　to
  the　higher；　but　who　is　resigned　to　rebuffs　and　delay　and
  humiliation；　contented　to　think　that　his　son　will　be　more
  fortunate。
  It　used　to　be　the　custom　of　some　very　old…fashioned　clubs
  in　this　city；　when　a　gentleman　asked　for　change　a　guinea；
  always　to　bring　it　to　him　in　WASHED　SILVER：　that　which
  had　passed　immediately　out　of　the　hands　of　vulgar　being
  considered　'as　too　coarse　to　soil　a　gentleman's　fingers。'
  So；　when　the　City　Snob's　money　has　been　washed　during　a
  generation　or　so；　has　been　washed　into　estates；　and
  woods；　and　castles；　and　town…mansions；　it　is　allowed　to
  pass　current　as　real　aristocratic　coin。　　Old　Pump　sweeps
  a　shop；　runs　of　messages；　becomes　a　confidential　clerk
  and　partner。　　Pump　the　Second　becomes　chief　of　the　house；
  spins　more　and　more　money；　marries　his　son　to　an　Earl's
  daughter。　　Pump　Tertius　goes　on　with　the　bank；　but　his
  chief　business　in　life　is　to　become　the　father　of　Pump
  Quartus；　who　comes　out　a　full…blown　aristocrat；　and　takes
  his　seat　as　Baron　Pumpington；　and　his　race　rules
  hereditarily　over　this　nation　of　Snobs。
  CHAPTER　IX
  ON　SOME　MILITARY　SNOBS
  As　no　society　in　the　world　is　more　agreeable　than　that　of
  well…bred　and　well…informed　military　gentlemen；　so；
  likewise；　none　is　more　insufferable　than　that　of　Military
  Snobs。　　They　are　to　be　found　of　all　grades；　from　the
  General　Officer；　whose　padded　old　breast　twinkles　over
  with　a　score　of　stars；　clasps；　and　decorations；　to　the
  budding　cornet；　who　is　shaving　for　a　beard；　and　has　just
  been　appointed　to　the　Saxe…Coburg　Lancers。
  I　have　always　admired　that　dispensation　of　rank　in　our
  country；　which　sets　up　this　last…named　little　creature
  （who　was　flogged　only　last　week　because　he　could　not
  spell）　to　command　great　whiskered　warriors；　who　have
  faced　all　dangers　of　climate　and　battle；　which；　because
  he　has　money；　to　lodge　at　the　agent's；　will　place　him
  over　the　heads　of　men　who　have　a　thousand　times　more
  experience　and　desert：　and　which；　in　the　course　of　time；
  will　bring　him　all　the　honours　of　his　profession；　when
  the　veteran　soldier　he　commanded　has　got　no　other　reward
  for　his　bravery　than　a　berth　in　Chelsea　Hospital；　and　the
  veteran　officer　he　superseded　has　slunk　into　shabby
  retirement；　and　ends　his　disappointed　life　on　a
  threadbare　half…pay。
  When　I　read　in　the　GAZETTE　such　announcements　as
  'Lieutenant　and　Captain　Grig；　from　the　Bombardier　Guards；
  to　be　Captain；　vice　Grizzle；　who　retires；'　I　know　what
  becomes　of　the　Peninsular　Grizzle；　I　follow　him　in　spirit
  to　the　humble　country　town；　where　he　takes　up　his
  quarters；　and　occupies　himself　with　the　most　desperate
  attempts　to　live　like　a　gentleman；　on　the　stipend　of　half
  a　tailor's　foreman；　and　I　picture　to　myself　little　Grig
  rising　from　rank　to　rank；　skipping　from　one　regiment　to
  another；　with　an　increased　grade　in　each；　avoiding
  disagreeable　foreign　service；　and　ranking　as　a　colonel　at
  thirty；all　because　he　has　money；　and　Lord　Grigsby　is
  his　father；　who　had　the　same　luck　before　him。　　Grig　must
  blush　at　first　to　give　his　orders　to　old　men　in　every　way
  his　betters。　　And　as　it　is　very　difficult　for　a　spoiled
  child　to　escape　being　selfish　and　arrogant；　so　it　is　a
  very　hard　task　indeed　for　this　spoiled　child　of　fortune
  not　to　be　a　Snob。
  It　must　have　often　been　a　matter　of　wonder　to　the　candid
  reader；　that　the　army；　the　most　enormous　job　of　all　our
  political　institutions；　should　yet　work　so　well　in　the
  field；　and　we　must　cheerfully　give　Grig；　and　his　like；
  the　credit　for　courage　which　they　display　whenever
  occasion　calls　for　it。　　The　Duke's　dandy　regiments　fought
  as　well　as　any　（they　said　better　than　any；　but　that　is
  absurd）。　　The　great　Duke　himself　was　a　dandy　once；　and
  jobbed　on；　as　Marlborough　did　before　him。　　But　this　only
  proves　that　dandies　are　brave　as　well　as　other　Britons
  as　all　Britons。　　Let　us　concede　that　the　high…born　Grig
  rode　into　the　entrenchments　at　Sobraon　as　gallantly　as
  Corporal　Wallop；　the　ex…ploughboy。
  The　times　of　war　are　more　favourable　to　him　than　the
  periods　of　peace。　　Think　of　Grig's　life　in　the　Bombardier
  Guards；　or　the　Jack…boot　Guards；　his　marches　from　Windsor
  to　London；　from　London　to　Windsor；　from　Knightsbridge　to
  Regent's　Park；　the　idiotic　services　he　has　to　perform；
  which　consist　in　inspecting　the　pipeclay　of　his　company；
  or　the　horses　in　the　stable；　or　bellowing　out　'Shoulder
  humps！　　Carry　humps！'　all　which　duties　the　very　smallest
  intellect　that　ever　belonged　to　mortal　man　would　suffice
  to　comprehend。　　The　professional　duties　of　a　footman　are
  quite　as　difficult　and　various。　　The　red…jackets　who　hold
  gentlemen's　horses　in　St。　James's　Street　could　do　the
  work　just　as　well　as　those　vacuous；　good…natured；
  gentlemanlike；　rickety　little　lieutenants；　who　may　be
  seen　sauntering　about　Pall　Mall；　in　high…heeled　little
  boots；　or　rallying　round　the　standard　of　their　regiment
  in　the　Palace　Court；　at　eleven　o'clock；　when　the　band
  plays。　　Did　the　beloved　reader　ever　see　one　of　the　young
  fellows　staggering　under　the　flag；　or；　above　all；　going
  through　the　operation　of　saluting　it？　　It　is　worth　a　walk
  to　the　Palace　to　witness　that　magnificent　piece　of
  tomfoolery。
  I　have　had　the　honour　of　meeting　once　or　twice　an　old
  gentleman；　whom　I　look　upon　to　be　a　specimen　of　army…
  training；　and　who　has　served　in　crack　regiments；　or
  commanded　them；　all　his　life。　　I　allude　to　Lieutenant…
  General　the　Honourable　Sir　George　Granby　Tufto；　K。C。B。；
  K。T。S。；　K。H。；　K。S。W。；　&c。　&c。。　　His　manners　are
  irreproachable　generally；　in　society　he　is　a　perfect
  gentleman；　and　a　most　thorough　Snob。
  A　man　can't　help　being　a　fool；　be　he　ever　so　old；　and　Sir
  George　is　a　greater　ass　at　sixty…eight　than　he　was　when
  he　first　entered　the　army　at　fifteen。　　He　distinguished
  himself　everywhere：　his　name　is　mentioned　with　praise　in
  a　score　of　Gazettes：　he　is　the　man；　in　fact；　whose　padded
  breast；　twinkling　over　with　innumerable　decorations；　has
  already　been　introduced　to　the　reader。　　It　is　difficult
  to　say　what　virtues　this　prosperous　gentleman　possesses。
  He　never　read　a　book　in　his　life；　and；　with　his　purple；
  old　gouty　fingers；　still　writes　a　schoolboy　hand。　　He　has
  reached　old　age　and　grey　hairs　without　being　the　least
  venerable。　　He　dresses　like　an　outrageously　young　man　to
  the　present　moment；　and　laces　and　pads　his　old　carcass　as
  if　he　were　still　handsome　George　Tufto　of　1800。　　He　is
  selfish；　brutal；　passionate；　and　a　glutton。　　It　is
  curious　to　mark　him　at　table；　and　see　him　heaving　in　his
  waistband；　his　little　bloodshot　eyes　goating　over　his
  meal。　　He　swears　considerably　in　his　talk；　and　tells
  filthy　garrison　stories　after　dinner。　　On　account　of　his
  rank　and　his　services；　people　pay　the　bestarred　and
  betitled　old　brute　a　sort　of　reverence；　and　he　looks　down
  upon　you　and　me；　and　exhibits　his　contempt　for　us；　with　a
  stupid　and　artless　candour　which　is　quite　amusing　to
  watch。　　Perhaps；　had　he　been　bred　to　another　profession；
  he　would　not　have　been　the　disreputable　old　creature　he
  now　is。　　But　what　other？　　He　was　fit　for　none；　too
  incorrigibly　idle　and　dull　for　any　trade　but　this；　in
  which　he　has　distinguished　himself　publicly　as　a　good　and
  g