Buckram　a　single　dinner；　but　he　knew　there　was　always
  pardon　for　him　for　extravagance　in　such　a　cause；　and　a
  ten…pound　note　always　came　to　him　from　home　when　he
  mentioned　Buckram's　name　in　a　letter。　　What　wild　visions
  entered　the　brains　of　Mrs。　Podge　and　Miss　Podge；　the　wife
  and　daughter　of　the　Principal　of　Lord　Buckram's　College；
  I　don't　know；　but　that　reverend　old　gentleman　was　too
  profound　a　flunkey　by　nature　ever　for　one　minute　to　think
  that　a　child　of　his　could　marry　a　nobleman。　　He　therefore
  hastened　on　his　daughter's　union　with　Professer　Crab。
  When　Lord　Buckram；　after　taking　his　honorary　degree；　（for
  Alma　Mater　is　a　Snob；　too；　and　truckles　to　a　Lord　like
  the　rest；）when　Lord　Buckram　went　abread　to　finish　his
  education；　you　all　know　what　dangers　he　ran；　and　what
  numbers　of　caps　were　set　at　him。　　Lady　Leach　and　her
  daughters　followed　him　from　Paris　to　Rome；　and　from　Rome
  to　Baden…Baden；　Miss　Leggitt　burst　into　tears　before　his
  face　when　he　announced　his　determination　to　quit　Naples；
  and　fainted　on　the　neck　of　her　mamma：　Captain　Macdragon；
  of　Macdragonstown；　County　Tipperary；　called　upon　him　to
  'explene　his　intintions　with　respect　to　his　sisther；　Miss
  Amalia　Macdragon；　of　Macdragonstown；'　and　proposed　to
  shoot　him　unless　he　married　that　spotless　and　beautiful
  young　creature；　who　was　afterwards　led　to　the　altar　by
  Mr。　Muff；　at　Cheltenham。　　If　perseverance　and　forty
  thousand　pounds　down　could　have　tempted　him；　Miss　Lydia
  Croesus　would　certainly　have　been　Lady　Buckram。　　Count
  Towrowski　was　glad　to　take　her　with　half　the　meney；　as
  all　the　genteel　world　knows。
  And　now；　perhaps；　the　reader　is　anxious　to　know　what　sort
  of　a　man　this　is　who　wounded　so　many　ladies'　hearts；　and
  who　has　been　such　a　prodigious　favourite　with　men。　　If　we
  were　to　describe　him　it　would　be　personal。　　Besides；　it
  really　does　not　matter　in　the　least　what　sort　of　a　man　he
  is；　or　what　his　personal　qualities　are。
  Suppose　he　is　a　young　nobleman　of　a　literary　turn；　and
  that　he　published　poems　ever　so　foolish　and　feeble；　the
  Snobs　would　purchase　thousands　of　his　volumes：　the
  publishers　（who　refused　my　Passion…Flowers；　and　my　grand
  Epic　at　any　price）　would　give　him　his　own。　　Suppose　he　is
  a　nobleman　of　a　jovial　turn；　and　has　a　fancy　for
  wrenching　off　knockers；　frequenting　ginshops；　and　half
  murdering　policemen：　the　public　will　sympathize　good…
  naturedly　with　his　amusements；　and　say　he　is　a　hearty；
  honest　fellow。　　Suppose　he　is　fond　of　play　and　the　turf；
  and　has　a　fancy　to　be　a　blackleg；　and　occasionally
  condescends　to　pluck　a　pigeon　at　cards；　the　public　will
  pardon　him；　and　many　honest　people　will　court　him；　as
  they　would　court　a　housebreaker　if　he　happened　to　be　a
  Lord。　　Suppose　he　is　an　idiot；　yet；　by　the　glorious
  constitution；　he　is　good　enough　to　govern　US。　　Suppose　he
  is　an　honest；　highminded　gentleman；　so　much　the　better
  for　himself。　　But　he　may　be　an　ass；　and　yet　respected；　or
  a　ruffian；　and　yet　be　exceedingly　popular；　or　a　rogue；
  and　yet　excuses　will　be　found　for　him。　　Snobs　will　still
  worship　him。　　Male　Snobs　will　do　him　honour；　and　females
  look　kindly　upon　him；　however　hideous　he　may　be。
  CHAPTER　VI
  ON　SOME　RESPECTABLE　SNOBS
  Having　received　a　great　deal　of　obloquy　for　dragging
  monarchs；　princes；　and　the　respected　nobility　into　the
  Snob　category；　I　trust　to　please　everybody　in　the　present
  chapter；　by　stating　my　firm　opinion　that　it　is　among　the
  RESPECTABLE　classes　of　this　vast　and　happy　empire　that
  the　greatest　profusion　of　Snobs　is　to　be　found。　　I　pace
  down　my　beloved　Baker　Street；　（I　am　engaged　on　a　life　of
  Baker；　founder　of　this　celebrated　street；）　I　walk　in
  Harley　Street　（where　every　other　house　has　a　hatchment）；
  Wimpole　Street；　that　is　as　cheerful　as　the　Catacombsa
  dingy　Mausoleum　of　the　genteel：I　rove　round　Regent's
  Park；　where　the　plaster　is　patching　off　the　house　walls；
  where　Methodist　preachers　are　holding　forth　to　three
  little　children　in　the　green　inclosures；　and　puffy
  valetudinarians　are　cantering　in　the　solitary　mud：I
  thread　the　doubtful　ZIG…ZAGS　of　May　Fair；　where　Mrs。
  Kitty　Lorimer's　Brougham　may　be　seen　drawn　up　next　door
  to　old　Lady　Lollipop's　belozenged　family　coach；I　roam
  through　Belgravia；　that　pale　and　polite　district；　where
  all　the　inhabitants　look　prim　and　correct；　and　the
  mansions　are　painted　a　faint　whity…brown：　I　lose　myself
  in　the　new　squares　and　terraces　of　the　brilliant　bran…new
  Bayswater…and…Tyburn…Junction　line；　and　in　one　and　all　of
  these　districts　the　same　truth　comes　across　me。　　I　stop
  before　any　house　at　hazard；　and　say；　'O　house；　you　are
  inhabitedO　knocker；　you　are　knocked　atO　undressed
  flunkey；　sunning　your　lazy　calves　as　you　lean　against　the
  iron　railings；　you　are　paidby　Snobs。'　　It　is　a
  tremendous　thought　that；　and　it　is　almost　sufficient　to
  drive　a　benevolent　mind　to　madness　to　think　that　perhaps
  there　is　not　one　in　ten　of　those　houses　where　the
  'Peerage'　does　not　lie　on　the　drawing…room　table。
  Considering　the　harm　that　foolish　lying　book　does；　I
  would　have　all　the　copies　of　it　burned；　as　the　barber
  burned　all　Quixote's　books　of　humbugging　chivalry。
  Look　at　this　grand　house　in　the　middle　of　the　square。
  The　Earl　of　Loughcorrib　lives　there：　he　has　fifty
  thousand　a　year。　　A　DEJEUNER　DANSANT　given　at　his　house
  last　week　cost；　who　knows　how　much？　　The　mere　flowers　for
  the　room　and　bouquets　for　the　ladies　cost　four　hundred
  pounds。　　That　man　in　drab　trousers；　coming　crying　down
  the　stops；　is　a　dun：　Lord　Loughcorrib　has　ruined　him；　and
  won't　see　him：　that　is　his　lordship　peeping　through　the
  blind　of　his　study　at　him　now。　　Go　thy　ways；　Loughcorrib；
  thou　art　a　Snob；　a　heartless　pretender；　a　hypocrite　of
  hospitality；　a　rogue　who　passes　forged　notes　upon
  society；but　I　am　growing　too　eloquent。
  You　see　that　nice　house；　No。　23；　where　a　butcher's　boy　is
  ringing　the　area…bell。　　He　has　three　muttonchops　in　his
  tray。　　They　are　for　the　dinner　of　a　very　different　and
  very　respectable　family；　for　Lady　Susan　Scraper；　and　her
  daughters；　Miss　Scraper　and　Miss　Emily　Scraper。　　The
  domestics；　luckily　for　them；　are　on　board　wagestwo　huge
  footmen　in　light　blue　and　canary；　a　fat　steady　coachman
  who　is　a　Methodist；　and　a　butler　who　would　never　have
  stayed　in　the　family　but　that　he　was　orderly　to　General
  Scraper　when　the　General　distinguished　himself　at
  Walcheren。　　His　widow　sent　his　portrait　to　the　United
  Service　Club；　and　it　is　hung　up　in　one　of　the　back
  dressing…closets　there。　　He　is　represented　at　a　parlour
  window　with　red　curtains；　in　the　distance　is　a　whirlwind；
  in　which　cannon　are　firing　off；　and　he　is　pointing　to　a
  chart；　on　which　are　written　the　words　'Walcheren；
  Tobago。'
  Lady　Susan　is；　as　everybody　knows　by　referring　to　the
  'British　Bible；'　a　daughter　of　the　great　and　good　Earl
  Bagwig　before　mentioned。　　She　thinks　everything　belonging
  to　her　the　greatest　and　best　in　the　world。　　The　first　of
  men　naturally　are　the　Buckrams；　her　own　race：　then　follow
  in　rank　the　Scrapers。　　The　General　was　the　greatest
  general：　his　eldest　son；　Scraper　Buckram　Scraper；　is　at
  present　the　greatest　and　best；　his　second　son　the　next
  greatest　and　best；　and　herself　the　paragon　of　women。
  Indeed；　she　is　a　most　respectable　and　honourable　lady。
  She　goes　to　church　of　course：　she　would　fancy　the　Church
  in　danger　if　she　did　not。　　She　subscribes　to　Church　and
  parish　charities；　and　is　a　directress　of　meritorious
  charitable　institutionsof　Queen　Charlotte's　Lying…in
  Hospital；　the　Washerwomen's　Asylum；　the　British　Drummers'
  Daughters'　Home；　&c。。　　She　is　a　model　of　a　matron。
  The　tradesman　never　lived　who　could　say　that　he　was　not
  paid　on　the　quarter…day。　　The　beggars　of　her
  neighbourhood　avoid　her　like　a　pestilence；　for　while　she
  walks　out；　protected　by　John；　that　domestic　has　always
  two　or　three　mendicity　tickets　ready　for　deserving
  objects。　　Ten　guineas　a　year　will　pay　all　her　charities。
  There　is　no　respectable　lady　in　all　London　who　gets　her
  name　more　often　printed　for　such　a　sum　of　money。
  Those　three　mutton…chops　which　you　see　entering　at　the
  kitchen…door　will　be　served　on　the　family…plate　at　seven
  o'clock　this　evening；　the　huge　footman　being　present；　and
  the　butler　in　black；　and　the　crest　and　coat…of…arms　of
  the　Scrapers　blazing　everywhere。　　I　pity　Miss　Emily
  Scrapershe　is　still　youngyoung　and　hungry。　　Is　it　a
  fact　that　she　spends　her　pocket…money　in　buns？　　Malicious
  tongues　say　so；　but　she　has　very　little　to　spare　for
  buns；　the　poor　little　hungry　soul！　　For　the　fact　is；　that
  when　the　footmen；　and　the　ladies'　maids；　and　the　fat
  coach…horses；　which　are　jobbed；　and　the　six　dinner…
  parties　in　the　season；　and　the　two　great　solemn　evening…
  parties；　and　the　rent　of　the　big　house；　and　the　journey
  to　an　English　or　foreign　watering…place　for　the　autumn；
  are　paid；　my　lady's　income　has　dwindled　away　to　a　very
  small　sum；　and　she　is　as　poor　as　you　or　I。
  You