plush　breeches；　and　the　long…caned　ones　walked　up　and
  down　the　garden　with　that　charming　solemnity；　that
  delightfull　quivering　swagger　of　the　calves；　which　has
  always　had　a　frantic　fascination　for　us。　　The　walk　was
  not　wide　enough　for　them　as　the　shoulder…knots　strutted
  up　and　down　it　in　canary；　and　crimson；　and　light　blue。
  Suddenly；　in　the　midst　of　their　pride；　a　little　bell　was
  rung；　a　side　door　opened；　and　（after　setting　down　their
  Royal　Mistress）　her　Majesty's　own　crimson　footmen；　with
  epaulets　and　black　plushes；　came　in。
  It　was　pitiable　to　see　the　other　poor　Johns　slink　off　at
  this　arrival！　　Not　one　of　the　honest　private　Plushes
  could　stand　up　before　the　Royal　Flunkeys。　　They　left　the
  walk：　they　sneaked　into　dark　holes　and　drank　tbeir　beer
  in　silence。　　The　Royal　Plush　kept　possession　of　the
  garden　until　the　Royal　Plush　dinner　was　announced；　when
  it　retired；　and　we　heard　from　the　pavilion　where　they
  dined；　conservative　cheers；　and　speeches；　and　Kentish
  fires。　　The　other　Flunkeys　we　never　saw　more。
  My　dear　Flunkeys；　so　absurdly　conceited　at　one　moment　and
  so　abject　at　the　next；　are　but　the　types　of　their　masters
  in　this　world。　　HE　WHO　MEANLY　ADMIRES　MEAN　THINGS　IS　A
  SNOBperhaps　that　is　a　safe　definition　of　the　character。
  And　this　is　why　I　have；　with　the　utmost　respect；　ventured
  to　place　The　Snob　Royal　at　the　head　of　my　list；　causing
  all　others　to　give　way　before　him；　as　the　Flunkeys　before
  the　royal　representative　in　Kensington　Gardens。　　To　say
  of　such　and　such　a　Gracious　Sovereign　that　he　is　a　Snob；
  is　but　to　say　that　his　Majesty　is　a　man。　　Kings；　too；　are
  men　and　Snobs。　　In　a　country　where　Snobs　are　in　the
  majority；　a　prime　one；　surely；　cannot　be　unfit　to　govern。
  With　us　they　have　succeeded　to　admiration。
  For　instance；　James　I。　was　a　Snob；　and　a　Scotch　Snob；
  than　which　the　world　contains　no　more　offensive　creature。
  He　appears　to　have　had　not　one　of　the　good　qualities　of　a
  manneither　courage；　nor　generosity；　nor　honesty；　nor
  brains；　but　read　what　the　great　Divines　and　Doctors　of
  England　said　about　him！　　Charles　II。；　his　grandson；　was　a
  rogue；　but　not　a　Snob；　whilst　Louis　XIV。；　his　old
  squaretoes　of　a　contemporary；the　great　worshipper　of
  Bigwiggeryhas　always　struck　me　as　a　most　undoubted　and
  Royal　Snob。
  I　will　not；　however；　take　instances　from　our　own　country
  of　Royal　Snobs；　but　refer　to　a　neighbouring　kingdom；　that
  of　Brentfordand　its　monarch；　the　late　great　and
  lamented　Gorgius　IV。　　With　the　same　humility　with　which
  the　footmen　at　the　'King's　Arms'　gave　way　before　the
  Plush　Royal；　the　aristocracy　of　the　Brentford　nation　bent
  down　and　truckled　before　Gorgius；　and　proclaimed　him　the
  first　gentleman　in　Europe。　　And　it's　a　wonder　to　think
  what　is　the　gentlefolks'　opinion　of　a　gentleman；　when
  they　gave　Gorgius　such　a　title。
  What　is　it　to　be　a　gentleman？　　Is　it　to　be　honest；　to　be
  gentle；　to　be　generous；　to　be　brave；　to　be　wise；　and；
  possessing　all　these　qualities；　to　exercise　them　in　the
  most　graceful　outward　manner？　　Ought　a　gentleman　to　be　a
  loyal　son；　a　true　husband；　and　honest　father？　　Ought　his
  life　to　be　decenthis　bills　to　be　paidhis　tastes　to　be
  high　and　eleganthis　aims　in　life　lofty　and　noble？　　　In
  a　word；　ought　not　the　Biography　of　a　First　Gentleman　in
  Europe　to　be　of　such　a　nature　that　it　might　be　read　in
  Young　Ladies'　Schools　with　advantage；　and　studied　with
  profit　in　the　Seminaries　of　Young　Gentlemen？　　I　put　this
  question　to　all　instructors　of　youthto　Mrs。　Ellis　and
  the　Women　of　England；　to　all　schoolmasters；　from　Doctor
  Hawtrey　down　to　Mr。　Squeers。　　I　conjure　up　before　me　an
  awful　tribunal　of　youth　and　innocence；　attended　by　its
  venerable　instructors　（like　the　ten　thousand　red…cheeked
  charity…children　in　Saint　Paul's）；　sitting　in　judgment；
  and　Gorgius　pleading　his　cause　in　the　midst。　　Out　of
  Court；　out　of　Court；　fat　old　Florizel！　　Beadles；　turn　out
  that　bloated；　pimple…faced　man！If　Gorgius　MUST　have　a
  statue　in　the　new　Palace　which　the　Brentford　nation　is
  building；　it　ought　to　be　set　up　in　the　Flunkeys'　Hall。
  He　should　be　represented　cutting　out　a　coat；　in　which　art
  he　is　said　to　have　excelled。　　He　also　invented　Maraschino
  punch；　a　shoe…buckle　（this　was　in　the　vigour　of　his
  youth；　and　the　prime　force　of　his　invention）；　and　a
  Chinese　pavilion；　the　most　hideous　building　in　the　world。
  He　could　drive　a　four…in…hand　very　nearly　as　well　as　the
  Brighton　coachman；　could　fence　elegantly；　and　it　is　said；
  played　the　fiddle　well。　　And　he　smiled　with　such
  irresistible　fascination；　that　persons　who　were
  introduced　into　his　august　presence　became　his　victims；
  body　and　soul；　as　a　rabbit　becomes　the　prey　of　a　great
  big　boa…constrictor。
  I　would　wager　that　if　Mr。　Widdicomb　were；　by　a
  revolution；　placed　on　the　throne　of　Brentford；　people
  would　be　equally　fascinated　by　his　irresistibly　majestic
  smile　and　tremble　as　they　knelt　down　to　kiss　his　hand。
  If　he　went　to　Dublin　they　would　erect　an　obelisk　on　the
  spot　where　he　first　landed；　as　the　Paddylanders　did　when
  Gorgius　visited　them。　　We　have　all　of　us　read　with
  delight　that　story　of　the　King's　voyage　to　Haggisland；
  where　his　presence　inspired　such　a　fury　of　loyalty　and
  where　the　most　famous　man　of　the　countrythe　Baron　of
  Bradwardinecoming　on　board　the　royal　yacht；　and　finding
  a　glass　out　of　which　Gorgius　had　drunk；　put　it　into　his
  coatpocket　as　an　inestimable　relic；　and　went　ashore　in
  his　boat　again。　　But　the　Baron　sat　down　upon　the　glass
  and　broke　it；　and　cut　his　coat…tails　very　much；　and　the
  inestimable　relic　was　lost　to　the　world　for　ever。　　O
  noble　Bradwardine！　what　old…world　superstition　could　set
  you　on　your　knees　before　such　an　idol　as　that？
  If　you　want　to　moralise　upon　the　mutability　of　human
  affairs；　go　and　see　the　figure　of　Gorgius　in　his　real；
  identical　robes；　at　the　waxwork。Admittance　one
  shilling。　　Children　and　flunkeys　sixpence。　　Go；　and　pay
  sixpence。
  CHAPTER　III
  THE　INFLUENCE　OF　THE　ARISTOCRACY　ON　SNOBS
  Last　Sunday　week；　being　at　church　in　this　city；　and　the
  service　just　ended；　I　heard　two　Snobs　conversing　about
  the　Parson。　　One　was　asking　the　other　who　the　clergyman
  was？　　'He　is　Mr。　So…and…so；'　the　second　Snob　answered；
  'domestic　chaplain　to　the　Earl　of　What…d'ye…call'im。'
  'Oh；　is　he'　said　the　first　Snob；　with　a　tone　of
  indescribable　satisfaction。The　Parson's　orthodoxy　and
  identity　were　at　once　settled　in　this　Snob's　mind。　　He
  knew　no　more　about　the　Earl　than　about　the　Chaplain；　but
  he　took　the　latter's　character　upon　the　authority　of　the
  former；　and　went　home　quite　contented　with　his　Reverence；
  like　a　little　truckling　Snob。
  This　incident　gave　me　more　matter　for　reflection　even
  than　the　sermon：　and　wonderment　at　the　extent　and
  prevalence　of　Lordolatory　in　this　country。　　What　could　it
  matter　to　Snob　whether　his　Reverence　were　chaplain　to　his
  Lordship　or　not？　　　What　Peerageworship　there　is　all
  through　this　free　country！　　How　we　are　all　implicated　in
  it；　and　more　or　less　down　on　our　knees。And　with　regard
  to　the　great　subject　on　hand；　I　think　that　the　influence
  of　the　Peerage　upon　Snobbishness　has　been　more　remarkabie
  than　that　of　any　other　institution。　　The　increase；
  encouragement；　and　maintenance　of　Snobs　are　among　the
  'priceless　services；'　as　Lord　John　Russell　says；　which　we
  owe　to　the　nobility。
  It　can't　be　otherwise。　　A　man　becomes　enormously　rich；　or
  he　jobs　successfully　in　the　aid　of　a　Minister；　or　he　wins
  a　great　battle；　or　executes　a　treaty；　or　is　a　clever
  lawyer　who　makes　a　multitude　of　fees　and　ascends　the
  bench；　and　the　country　rewards　him　for　ever　with　a　gold
  coronot　（with　more　or　less　balls　or　leaves）　and　a　title；
  and　a　rank　as　legislator。　　'Your　merits　are　so　great；'
  says　the　nation；　'that　your　children　shall　be　allowed　to
  reign　over　us；　in　a　manner。　　It　does　not　in　the　least
  matter　that　your　eldest　son　be　a　fool：　we　think　your
  services　so　remarkable；　that　he　shall　have　the　reversion
  of　your　honours　when　death　vacates　your　noble　shoes。　　If
  you　are　poor；　we　will　give　you　such　a　sum　of　money　as
  shall　enable　you　and　the　eldest…born　of　your　race　for
  ever　to　live　in　fat　and　splendour。　　It　is　our　wish　that
  there　should　be　a　race　set　apart　in　this　happy　country；
  who　shall　hold　the　first　rank；　have　the　first　prizes　and
  chances　in　all　government　jobs　and　patronages。　　We　cannot
  make　all　your　dear　children　Peersthat　would　make
  Peerage　common　and　crowd　the　House　of　Lords
  uncomfortablybut　the　young　ones　shall　have　everything　a
  Government　can　give：　they　shall　get　the　pick　of　all　the
  places：　they　shall　be　Captains　and　Lieutenant…Colonels　at
  nineteen；　when　hoary…headed　old　lieutenants　are　spending
  thirty　years　at　drill：　they　shall　command　ships　at　one…
  and…twenty；　and　veterans　who　fought　before　they　were
  born。　　And　as　we　are　eminently　a　free　people；　and　in
  order　to　encourage　all　men　to　do　their　duty；　we　say　to
  any　man　of　any　rankget　enormousl