I　suppose　Mack　and　I　always　will　be　hopeless　amateurs。　　But；　as　the　　thing　has　turned　out　in　my　case；　I'm　mighty　glad　of　it。
  BEST…SELLER
  I
  One　day　last　summer　I　went　to　Pittsburghwell；　I　had　to　go　there　on　　business。
  My　chair…car　was　profitably　well　filled　with　people　of　the　kind　one　　usually　sees　on　chair…cars。　　Most　of　them　were　ladies　in　brown…silk　　dresses　cut　with　square　yokes；　with　lace　insertion；　and　dotted　veils；　　who　refused　to　have　the　windows　raised。　　Then　there　was　the　usual　　number　of　men　who　looked　as　if　they　might　be　in　almost　any　business　　and　going　almost　anywhere。　　Some　students　of　human　nature　can　look　at　　a　man　in　a　Pullman　and　tell　you　where　he　is　from；　his　occupation　and　　his　stations　in　life；　both　flag　and　social；　but　I　never　could。　　The　　only　way　I　can　correctly　judge　a　fellow…traveller　is　when　the　train　is　　held　up　by　robbers；　or　when　he　reaches　at　the　same　time　I　do　for　the　　last　towel　in　the　dressing…room　of　the　sleeper。
  The　porter　came　and　brushed　the　collection　of　soot　on　the　window…sill　　off　to　the　left　knee　of　my　trousers。　　I　removed　it　with　an　air　of　　apology。　　The　temperature　was　eighty…eight。　　One　of　the　dotted…veiled　　ladies　demanded　the　closing　of　two　more　ventilators；　and　spoke　loudly　　of　Interlaken。　　I　leaned　back　idly　in　chair　No。　　7；　and　looked　with　　the　tepidest　curiosity　at　the　small；　black；　bald…spotted　head　just　　visible　above　the　back　of　No。　　9。
  Suddenly　No。　　9　hurled　a　book　to　the　floor　between　his　chair　and　the　　window；　and；　looking；　I　saw　that　it　was　The　Rose…Lady　and　Trevelyan；　　one　of　the　best…selling　novels　of　the　present　day。　　And　then　the　　critic　or　Philistine；　whichever　he　was；　veered　his　chair　toward　the　　window；　and　I　knew　him　at　once　for　John　A。　　Pescud；　of　Pittsburgh；　　travelling　salesman　for　a　plate…glass　companyan　old　acquaintance　　whom　I　had　not　seen　in　two　years。
  In　two　minutes　we　were　faced；　had　shaken　hands；　and　had　finished　with　　such　topics　as　rain；　prosperity；　health；　residence；　and　destination。　　　Politics　might　have　followed　next；　but　I　was　not　so　ill…fated。
  I　wish　you　might　know　John　A。　　Pescud。　　He　is　of　the　stuff　that　heroes　　are　not　often　lucky　enough　to　be　made　of。　　He　is　a　small　man　with　a　　wide　smile；　and　an　eye　that　seems　to　be　fixed　upon　that　little　red　　spot　on　the　end　of　your　nose。　　I　never　saw　him　wear　but　one　kind　of　　necktie；　and　he　believes　in　cuff…holders　and　button…shoes。　　He　is　as　　hard　and　true　as　anything　ever　turned　out　by　the　Cambria　Steel　Works；　　and　he　believes　that　as　soon　as　Pittsburgh　makes　smoke…consumers　　compulsory；　St。　　Peter　will　come　down　and　sit　at　the　foot　of　　Smithfield　Street；　and　let　somebody　else　attend　to　the　gate　up　in　the　　branch　heaven。　　He　believes　that　〃our〃　plate…glass　is　the　most　　important　commodity　in　the　world；　and　that　when　a　man　is　in　his　home　　town　he　ought　to　be　decent　and　law…abiding。
  During　my　acquaintance　with　him　in　the　City　of　Diurnal　Night　I　had　　never　known　his　views　on　life；　romance；　literature；　and　ethics。　　We　　had　browsed；　during　our　meetings；　on　local　topics；　and　then　parted；　　after　Chateau　Margaux；　Irish　stew；　flannel…cakes；　cottage…pudding；　and　　coffee　（hey；　there！with　milk　separate）。　　Now　I　was　to　get　more　of　　his　ideas。　　By　way　of　facts；　he　told　me　that　business　had　picked　up　　since　the　party　conventions；　and　that　he　was　going　to　get　off　at　　Coketown。
  II
  〃Say；〃　said　Pescud；　stirring　his　discarded　book　with　the　toe　of　his　　right　shoe；　〃did　you　ever　read　one　of　these　best…sellers？　　I　mean　the　　kind　where　the　hero　is　an　American　swellsometimes　even　from　Chicago…　…who　falls　in　love　with　a　royal　princess　from　Europe　who　is　travelling　　under　an　alias；　and　follows　her　to　her　father's　kingdom　or　　principality？　　I　guess　you　have。　　They're　all　alike。　　Sometimes　this　　going…away　masher　is　a　Washington　newspaper　correspondent；　and　　sometimes　he　is　a　Van　Something　from　New　York；　or　a　Chicago　wheat…　broker　worthy　fifty　millions。　　But　he's　always　ready　to　break　into　the　　king　row　of　any　foreign　country　that　sends　over　their　queens　and　　princesses　to　try　the　new　plush　seats　on　the　Big　Four　or　the　B。　　and　　0。　　There　doesn't　seem　to　be　any　other　reason　in　the　book　for　their　　being　here。
  〃Well；　this　fellow　chases　the　royal　chair…warmer　home；　as　I　said；　and　　finds　out　who　she　is。　　He　meets　here　on　the　corso　or　the　strasse　one　　evening　and　gives　us　ten　pages　of　conversation。　　She　reminds　him　of　　the　difference　in　their　stations；　and　that　gives　him　a　chance　to　ring　　in　three　solid　pages　about　America's　uncrowned　sovereigns。　　If　you'd　　take　his　remarks　and　set　'em　to　music；　and　then　take　the　music　away　　from　'em；　they'd　sound　exactly　like　one　of　George　Cohan's　songs。
  〃Well；　you　know　how　it　runs　on；　if　you　ve　read　any　of　'emhe　slaps　　the　king's　Swiss　body…guards　around　like　everything　whenever　they　get　　in　his　way。　　He's　a　great　fencer；　too。　　Now；　I've　known　of　some　　Chicago　men　who　were　pretty　notorious　fences；　but　I　never　heard　of　any　　fencers　coming　from　there。　　He　stands　on　the　first　landing　of　the　　royal　staircase　in　Castle　Schutzenfestenstein　with　a　gleaming　rapier　　in　his　hand；　and　makes　a　Baltimore　broil　of　six　platoons　of　traitors　　who　come　to　massacre　the　said　king。　　And　then　he　has　to　fight　duels　　with　a　couple　of　chancellors；　and　foil　a　plot　by　four　Austrian　　archdukes　to　seize　the　kingdom　for　a　gasoline…station。
  〃But　the　great　scene　is　when　his　rival　for　the　princess'　hand；　Count　　Feodor；　attacks　him　between　the　portcullis　and　the　ruined　chapel；　　armed　with　a　mitrailleuse；　a　yataghan；　and　a　couple　of　Siberian　　bloodhounds。　　This　scene　is　what　runs　the　best…seller　into　the　twenty…　ninth　edition　before　the　publisher　has　had　time　to　draw　a　check　for　　the　advance　royalties。
  〃The　American　hero　shucks　his　coat　and　throws　it　over　the　heads　of　the　　bloodhounds；　gives　the　mitrailleuse　a　slap　with　his　mitt；　says　'Yah！'　　to　the　yataghan；　and　lands　in　Kid　McCoy's　best　style　on　the　count's　　left　eye。　　Of　course；　we　have　a　neat　little　prize…fight　right　then　and　　there。　　The　countin　order　to　make　the　go　possibleseems　to　be　an　　expert　at　the　art　of　self…defence；　himself；　and　here　we　have　the　　Corbett…Sullivan　fight　done　over　into　literature。　　The　book　ends　with　　the　broker　and　the　princess　doing　a　John　Cecil　Clay　cover　under　the　　linden…trees　on　the　Gorgonzola　Walk。　　That　winds　up　the　love…story　　plenty　good　enough。　　But　I　notice　that　the　book　dodges　the　final　　issue。　　Even　a　best…seller　has　sense　enough　to　shy　at　either　leaving　a　　Chicago　grain　broker　on　the　throne　of　Lobsterpotsdam　or　bringing　over　　a　real　princess　to　eat　fish　and　potato　salad　in　an　Italian　chalet　on　　Michigan　Avenue。　　What　do　you　think　about　'em？〃
  〃Why；〃　said　I；　〃I　hardly　know；　John。　　There's　a　saying：　'Love　levels　　all　ranks；'　you　know。〃
  〃Yes；〃　said　Pescud；　〃but　these　kind　of　love…stories　are　rankon　the　　level。　　I　know　something　about　literature；　even　if　I　am　in　plate…　glass。　　These　kind　of　books　are　wrong；　and　yet　I　never　go　into　a　train　　but　what　they　pile　'em　up　on　me。　　No　good　can　come　out　of　an　　international　clinch　between　the　Old…World　aristocracy　and　one　of　us　　fresh　Americans。　　When　people　in　real　life　marry；　they　generally　hunt　　up　somebody　in　their　own　station。　　A　fellow　usually　picks　out　a　girl　　that　went　to　the　same　high…school　and　belonged　to　the　same　singing…　society　that　he　did。　　When　young　millionaires　fall　in　love；　they　　always　select　the　chorus…girl　that　likes　the　same　kind　of　sauce　on　the　　lobster　that　he　does。　　Washington　newspaper　correspondents　always　many　　widow　ladies　ten　years　older　than　themselves　who　keep　boarding…houses。　　　No；　sir；　you　can't　make　a　novel　sound　right　to　me　when　it　makes　one　of　　C。　　D。　　Gibson's　bright　young　men　go　abroad　and　turn　kingdoms　upside　　down　just　because　he's　a　Taft　American　aud　took　a　course　at　a　　gymnasium。　　And　listen　how　they　talk；　too！〃
  Pescud　picked　up　the　best…seller　and　hunted　his　page。
  〃Listen　at　this；〃　said　he。　　〃Trevelyan　is　chinning　with　the　Princess　　Alwyna　at　the　back　end　of　the　tulip…garden。　　This　is　how　it　goes：
  〃'Say　not　so；　dearest　and　sweetest　of　earth's　fairest　flowers。　　Would　　I　aspire？　　You　are　a　star　set　high　above　me　in　a　royal　heaven；　I　am　　onlymyself。　　Yet　I　am　a　man；　and　I　have　a　heart　to　do　and　dare。　　I　　have　no　title　save　that　of　an　uncrowned　sovereign；　but　I　have　an　arm　　and　a　sword　that　yet　might　free　Schutzenfestenstein　from　the　plots　of　　traitors。'
  〃Think　of　a　Chicago　man　packing　a　sword；　and　talking　about　freeing　　anything　that　sounded　as　much　like　canned　pork　as　that！　　He'd　be　much　　more　likely　to　fight　to　have　an　import　duty　put　on　it。〃
  〃I　think　I　understand　you；　John；〃　said　I。　　〃You　want　fiction…writers　　to　be　consistent　with　their　scenes　and　characters。　　They　shouldn't　mix　　Turkish　pashas　with　Vermont　farmers；　or　English　dukes　with　Long　Island　　clam…diggers；　or　Italian　countesses　with　Montana　cowboys；　or　　Cincinnati　brewery　agents　with　the　rajahs　of　India。〃
  〃Or　plain　business　men　with　aristocracy　high　above　'em；〃　added　Pescud。　　　〃It　don't　jibe。　　People　are　divided　into　classes；　whether　we　admit　it　　or　not；　and　it's　everybody's　impulse　to　stick　to　their　own　class。　　　They　do　it；　too。　　I　don't　see　why　people　go　to　work　and　buy　hundreds　　of　thousands　of　books　like　that。　　You　don't　see