APPENDIX　D
  The　Awful　German　Language
  A　little　learning　makes　the　whole　world　kin。
  Proverbs　xxxii；　7。
  I　went　often　to　look　at　the　collection　of　curiosities
  in　Heidelberg　Castle；　and　one　day　I　surprised　the　keeper
  of　it　with　my　German。　　I　spoke　entirely　in　that　language。
  He　was　greatly　interested；　and　after　I　had　talked　a　while
  he　said　my　German　was　very　rare；　possibly　a　〃unique〃；
  and　wanted　to　add　it　to　his　museum。
  If　he　had　known　what　it　had　cost　me　to　acquire　my　art；
  he　would　also　have　known　that　it　would　break　any
  collector　to　buy　it。　　Harris　and　I　had　been　hard　at
  work　on　our　German　during　several　weeks　at　that　time；
  and　although　we　had　made　good　progress；　it　had　been
  accomplished　under　great　difficulty　and　annoyance；
  for　three　of　our　teachers　had　died　in　the　mean　time。
  A　person　who　has　not　studied　German　can　form　no　idea
  of　what　a　perplexing　language　it　is。
  Surely　there　is　not　another　language　that　is　so　slipshod
  and　systemless；　and　so　slippery　and　elusive　to　the　grasp。
  One　is　washed　about　in　it；　hither　and　thither；　in　the　most
  helpless　way；　and　when　at　last　he　thinks　he　has　captured
  a　rule　which　offers　firm　ground　to　take　a　rest　on　amid
  the　general　rage　and　turmoil　of　the　ten　parts　of　speech；
  he　turns　over　the　page　and　reads；　〃Let　the　pupil　make
  careful　note　of　the　following　EXCEPTIONS。〃　He　runs　his
  eye　down　and　finds　that　there　are　more　exceptions　to　the
  rule　than　instances　of　it。　　So　overboard　he　goes　again；
  to　hunt　for　another　Ararat　and　find　another　quicksand。
  Such　has　been；　and　continues　to　be；　my　experience。
  Every　time　I　think　I　have　got　one　of　these　four　confusing
  〃cases〃　where　I　am　master　of　it；　a　seemingly　insignificant
  preposition　intrudes　itself　into　my　sentence；　clothed　with
  an　awful　and　unsuspected　power；　and　crumbles　the　ground
  from　under　me。　　For　instance；　my　book　inquires　after
  a　certain　bird（it　is　always　inquiring　after　things
  which　are　of　no　sort　of　no　consequence　to　anybody）：　〃Where
  is　the　bird？〃　Now　the　answer　to　this　questionaccording
  to　the　bookis　that　the　bird　is　waiting　in　the　blacksmith
  shop　on　account　of　the　rain。　　Of　course　no　bird　would
  do　that；　but　then　you　must　stick　to　the　book。　　Very　well；
  I　begin　to　cipher　out　the　German　for　that　answer。　　I　begin
  at　the　wrong　end；　necessarily；　for　that　is　the　German　idea。
  I　say　to　myself；　〃REGEN　（rain）　is　masculineor　maybe　it
  is　feminineor　possibly　neuterit　is　too　much　trouble
  to　look　now。　　Therefore；　it　is　either　DER　（the）　Regen；
  or　DIE　（the）　Regen；　or　DAS　（the）　Regen；　according　to　which
  gender　it　may　turn　out　to　be　when　I　look。　　In　the　interest
  of　science；　I　will　cipher　it　out　on　the　hypothesis　that　it
  is　masculine。　　Very　wellthen　THE　rain　is　DER　Regen；
  if　it　is　simply　in　the　quiescent　state　of　being　MENTIONED；
  without　enlargement　or　discussionNominative　case；
  but　if　this　rain　is　lying　around；　in　a　kind　of　a　general
  way　on　the　ground；　it　is　then　definitely　located；
  it　is　DOING　SOMETHINGthat　is；　RESTING　（which　is　one
  of　the　German　grammar's　ideas　of　doing　something）；　and
  this　throws　the　rain　into　the　Dative　case；　and　makes　it
  DEM　Regen。　　However；　this　rain　is　not　resting；　but　is
  doing　something　ACTIVELY；it　is　fallingto　interfere
  with　the　bird；　likelyand　this　indicates　MOVEMENT；
  which　has　the　effect　of　sliding　it　into　the　Accusative　case
  and　changing　DEM　Regen　into　DEN　Regen。〃　Having　completed
  the　grammatical　horoscope　of　this　matter；　I　answer　up
  confidently　and　state　in　German　that　the　bird　is　staying
  in　the　blacksmith　shop　〃wegen　（on　account　of）　DEN　Regen。〃
  Then　the　teacher　lets　me　softly　down　with　the　remark
  that　whenever　the　word　〃wegen〃　drops　into　a　sentence；
  it　ALWAYS　throws　that　subject　into　the　GENITIVE　case；
  regardless　of　consequencesand　therefore　this　bird　stayed　in
  the　blacksmith　shop　〃wegen　DES　Regens。〃
  N。B。I　was　informed；　later；　by　a　higher　authority；
  that　there　was　an　〃exception〃　which　permits　one　to　say　〃wegen
  DEN　Regen〃　in　certain　peculiar　and　complex　circumstances；
  but　that　this　exception　is　not　extended　to　anything
  BUT　rain。
  There　are　ten　parts　of　speech；　and　they　are　all　troublesome。
  An　average　sentence；　in　a　German　newspaper；　is　a　sublime
  and　impressive　curiosity；　it　occupies　a　quarter　of　a　column；
  it　contains　all　the　ten　parts　of　speechnot　in　regular　order；
  but　mixed；　it　is　built　mainly　of　compound　words　constructed
  by　the　writer　on　the　spot；　and　not　to　be　found　in　any
  dictionarysix　or　seven　words　compacted　into　one；
  without　joint　or　seamthat　is；　without　hyphens；
  it　treats　of　fourteen　or　fifteen　different　subjects；
  each　enclosed　in　a　parenthesis　of　its　own；　with　here　and
  there　extra　parentheses；　making　pens　with　pens：　finally；
  all　the　parentheses　and　reparentheses　are　massed　together
  between　a　couple　of　king…parentheses；　one　of　which　is　placed
  in　the　first　line　of　the　majestic　sentence　and　the　other
  in　the　middle　of　the　last　line　of　itAFTER　WHICH　COMES
  THE　VERB；　and　you　find　out　for　the　first　time　what　the　man
  has　been　talking　about；　and　after　the　verbmerely　by　way
  of　ornament；　as　far　as　I　can　make　outthe　writer　shovels
  in　〃HABEN　SIND　GEWESEN　GEHABT　HAVEN　GEWORDEN　SEIN；〃
  or　words　to　that　effect；　and　the　monument　is　finished。
  I　suppose　that　this　closing　hurrah　is　in　the　nature　of　the
  flourish　to　a　man's　signaturenot　necessary；　but　pretty。
  German　books　are　easy　enough　to　read　when　you　hold　them
  before　the　looking…glass　or　stand　on　your　headso　as
  to　reverse　the　constructionbut　I　think　that　to　learn
  to　read　and　understand　a　German　newspaper　is　a　thing
  which　must　always　remain　an　impossibility　to　a　foreigner。
  Yet　even　the　German　books　are　not　entirely　free　from　attacks
  of　the　Parenthesis　distemperthough　they　are　usually　so　mild
  as　to　cover　only　a　few　lines；　and　therefore　when　you　at
  last　get　down　to　the　verb　it　carries　some　meaning　to　your
  mind　because　you　are　able　to　remember　a　good　deal　of　what
  has　gone　before。　　Now　here　is　a　sentence　from　a　popular
  and　excellent　German　novelwhich　a　slight　parenthesis
  in　it。　　I　will　make　a　perfectly　literal　translation；
  and　throw　in　the　parenthesis…marks　and　some　hyphens
  for　the　assistance　of　the　readerthough　in　the　original
  there　are　no　parenthesis…marks　or　hyphens；　and　the　reader
  is　left　to　flounder　through　to　the　remote　verb　the　best　way　he
  can：
  〃But　when　he；　upon　the　street；　the　（in…satin…and…silk…covered…
  now…very…unconstrained…after…the…newest…fashioned…dressed）
  government　counselor's　wife　MET；〃　etc。；　etc。　＇1＇
  1。　　Wenn　er　aber　auf　der　Strasse　der　in　Sammt　und　Seide
  gehu〃llten　jetz　sehr　ungenirt　nach　der　neusten　mode
  gekleideten　Regierungsrathin　begegnet。
  That　is　from　THE　OLD　MAMSELLE'S　SECRET；　by　Mrs。　Marlitt。
  And　that　sentence　is　constructed　upon　the　most　approved
  German　model。　　You　observe　how　far　that　verb　is　from
  the　reader's　base　of　operations；　well；　in　a　German
  newspaper　they　put　their　verb　away　over　on　the　next　page；
  and　I　have　heard　that　sometimes　after　stringing　along　the
  exciting　preliminaries　and　parentheses　for　a　column　or　two；
  they　get　in　a　hurry　and　have　to　go　to　press　without　getting
  to　the　verb　at　all。　　Of　course；　then；　the　reader　is　left
  in　a　very　exhausted　and　ignorant　state。
  We　have　the　Parenthesis　disease　in　our　literature；　too；　and　one
  may　see　cases　of　it　every　day　in　our　books　and　newspapers：
  but　with　us　it　is　the　mark　and　sign　of　an　unpracticed
  writer　or　a　cloudy　intellect；　whereas　with　the　Germans
  it　is　doubtless　the　mark　and　sign　of　a　practiced　pen
  and　of　the　presence　of　that　sort　of　luminous　intellectual
  fog　which　stands　for　clearness　among　these　people。
  For　surely　it　is　NOT　clearnessit　necessarily　can't
  be　clearness。　　Even　a　jury　would　have　penetration　enough
  to　discover　that。　　A　writer's　ideas　must　be　a　good
  deal　confused；　a　good　deal　out　of　line　and　sequence；
  when　he　starts　out　to　say　that　a　man　met　a　counselor's
  wife　in　the　street；　and　then　right　in　the　midst　of　this
  so　simple　undertaking　halts　these　approaching　people
  and　makes　them　stand　still　until　he　jots　down　an　inventory
  of　the　woman's　dress。　　That　is　manifestly　absurd。
  It　reminds　a　person　of　those　dentists　who　secure　your　instant
  and　breathless　interest　in　a　tooth　by　taking　a　grip　on　it
  with　the　forceps；　and　then　stand　there　and　drawl　through
  a　tedious　anecdote　before　they　give　the　dreaded　jerk。
  Parentheses　in　literature　and　dentistry　are　in　bad　taste。
  The　Germans　have　another　kind　of　parenthesis；　which　they
  make　by　splitting　a　verb　in　two　and　putting　half　of　it
  at　the　beginning　of　an　exciting　chapter　and　the　OTHER
  HALF　at　the　end　of　it。　　Can　any　one　conceive　of　anything
  more　confusing　than　that？　These　things　are　called
  〃separable　verbs。〃　The　German　grammar　is　blistered
  all　over　with　separable　verbs；　and　the　wider　the　two
  portions　of　one　of　them　are　spread　apart；　the　better
  the　author　of　the　crime　is　pleased　with　his　performance。
  A　favorite　one　is　REISTE　A