第 32 节
作者:月寒      更新:2024-04-14 09:15      字数:9322
  over    the   fact  that   she   did  not   love   him    did  not;   to  use   his  favorite
  expression; 〃tend toward efficiency。〃 He removed from his sight the three
  pictures of her he had cut from illustrated papers; and ceased to write to
  her。
  In his last letter he said: 〃I have told you how it is; and that is how it is
  always going to be。 There never has been; there never can be any one but
  you。 But my love is too precious; too sacred to be brought out every week
  in a letter and dangled before your eyes like an advertisement of a motor…
  car。 It is too wonderful a thing to be cheapened; to be subjected to slights
  and silence。 If ever you should want it; it is yours。 It is here waiting。 But
  you must tell me so。 I have done everything a man can do to make you
  understand。 But you do not want me or my love。 And my love says to me:
  'Don't send me there again to have the door shut in my face。 Keep me with
  you to be your inspiration; to help you to live worthily。' And so it shall be。〃
  When Helen read that letter she did not know what to do。 She did not
  know   how   to   answer   it。   Her   first   impression   was   that   suddenly  she   had
  grown   very   old;   and   that   some   one   had   turned   off   the   sun;   and   that   in
  consequence the world had naturally grown cold and dark。 She could not
  see   why   the   two   hundred   and   forty…nine   expected   her   to   keep   on   doing
  exactly the same things she had been doing with delight for six months;
  and indeed for the last six years。 Why could they not see that no longer
  was there any pleasure in them? She would have written and told Latimer
  that   she   found   she   loved   him   very   dearly   if   in   her   mind   there   had   not
  arisen   a   fearful   doubt。   Suppose   his   letter   was   not   quite   honest?   He   said
  that he would always love her; but how could she now know that? Why
  might not this letter be only his way of withdrawing from a position which
  111
  … Page 112…
  THE RED CROSS GIRL
  he wished to abandon; from which; perhaps; he was even glad to escape?
  Were   this   true;   and   she   wrote   and   said   all   those   things   that   were   in   her
  heart; that now she knew were true; might she not hold him to her against
  his will? The love that once he had for her might no longer exist; and if; in
  her turn; she told him she loved him and had always loved him; might he
  not in some mistaken spirit of chivalry feel it was his duty to pretend to
  care? Her cheeks burned at the thought。 It was intolerable。 She could not
  write that letter。 And as day succeeded day; to do so became more difficult。
  And   so   she   never   wrote   and   was   very   unhappy。 And   Latimer   was   very
  unhappy。   But   he   had   his   work;   and   Helen   had   none;   and   for   her   life
  became a game of putting little things together; like a picture puzzle; an
  hour here and an hour there; to make up each day。 It was a dreary game。
  From time to time she heard of him through the newspapers。 For; in
  his own State; he was an 〃Insurgent〃 making a fight; the outcome of which
  was   expected   to   show   what   might   follow   throughout   the   entire       West。
  When he won his fight much more was written about him; and he became
  a   national   figure。   In   his   own   State   the   people   hailed   him   as   the   next
  governor; promised him a seat in the Senate。 To Helen this seemed to take
  him further out of her life。 She wondered if now she held a place even in
  his thoughts。
  At Fair Harbor the two hundred and forty…nine used to joke with her
  about   her   politician。   Then   they   considered   Latimer   of   importance   only
  because Helen liked him。 Now they discussed him impersonally and over
  her head; as though she were not present; as a power; an influence; as the
  leader and exponent of a new idea。 They seemed to think she no longer
  could pretend to any peculiar claim upon him; that now he belonged to all
  of them。
  Older men would say to her: 〃I hear you know Latimer? What sort of a
  man is he?〃
  Helen would not know what to tell them。 She could not say he was a
  man who sat with his back to a pine…tree; reading from a book of verse; or
  halting to devour her with humble; entreating eyes。
  She went South for the winter; the doctors deciding she was run down
  and needed the change。 And with an unhappy laugh at her own expense
  112
  … Page 113…
  THE RED CROSS GIRL
  she agreed in their diagnosis。 She was indifferent as to where they sent her;
  for   she   knew   wherever   she   went   she   must   still   force   herself   to   go   on
  putting one hour on top of another; until she had built up the inexorable
  and necessary twenty…four。
  When she returned winter was departing; but reluctantly; and returning
  unexpectedly   to   cover   the   world   with   snow;   to   eclipse   the   thin   spring
  sunshine with cheerless clouds。 Helen took herself seriously to task。 She
  assured herself it was weak…minded to rebel。 The summer was coming and
  Fair Harbor with all its old delights was before her。 She compelled herself
  to take heart; to accept the fact that; after all; the world is a pretty good
  place;   and   that   to   think   only   of   the   past;   to   live   only   on   memories   and
  regrets;   was   not   only   cowardly   and   selfish;   but;   as   Latimer   had   already
  decided; did not tend toward efficiency。
  Among the other rules of conduct that she imposed upon herself was
  not to think of Latimer。 At least; not during the waking hours。 Should she;
  as   it   sometimes   happened;  dream  of   himshould   she   imagine   they  were
  again seated among the pines; riding across the downs; or racing at fifty
  miles   an   hour   through   country   roads;   with   the   stone   fences   flying   past;
  with the wind and the sun in their eyes; and in their hearts happiness and
  contentthat would not be breaking her rule。 If she dreamed of him; she
  could not be held responsible。 She could only be grateful。
  And   then;   just   as   she   had   banished   him   entirely   from   her   mind;   he
  came East。 Not as once he had planned to come; only to see her; but with a
  blare of trumpets; at the command of many citizens; as the guest of three
  cities。 He was to speak at public meetings; to confer with party leaders; to
  carry the war into the enemy's country。 He was due to speak in Boston at
  Faneuil Hall on the first of May; and that same night to leave for the West;
  and three days before his coming Helen fled from the city。 He had spoken
  his message to Philadelphia; he had spoken to New York; and for a week
  the papers had spoken only of him。 And for that week; from the sight of
  his   printed   name;   from   sketches   of   him   exhorting   cheering   mobs;   from
  snap…shots of him on rear platforms leaning forward to grasp eager hands;
  Helen   had   shut   her   eyes。   And   that   during   the   time   he   was   actually   in
  Boston she might spare herself further   and more direct   attacks upon her
  113
  … Page 114…
  THE RED CROSS GIRL
  feelings she escaped to Fair Harbor; there to remain until; on the first of
  May at midnight; he again would pass out of her life; maybe forever。 No
  one     saw    in   her   going    any    significance。     Spring     had    come;     and   in
  preparation   for      the   summer     season   the    house   at   Fair   Harbor    must    be
  opened and set in order; and the presence there of some one of the Page
  family was easily explained。
  She   made   the   three   hours'   run   to   Fair   Harbor   in   her   car;   driving   it
  herself; and as the familiar landfalls fell into place; she doubted if it would
  not have been wiser had she stayed away。 For she found that the memories
  of more than twenty summers at Fair Harbor had been wiped out by those
  of one summer; by those of one man。 The natives greeted her joyously: the
  boatmen;       the  fishermen;      her   own    grooms      and   gardeners;     the   village
  postmaster; the oldest inhabitant。 They welcomed her as though they were
  her   vassals   and   she   their   queen。   But   it   was   the   one   man   she   had   exiled
  from Fair Harbor who at every turn wrung her heart and caused her throat
  to tighten。 She passed the cottage where he had lodged; and hundreds of
  years   seemed   to   have   gone   since   she   used   to   wait   for   him  in   the   street;
  blowing   noisily   on   her   automobile   horn;   calling   derisively   to   his   open
  windows。 Wherever sh