think？　　Vivienne　is　coming　to　cook　for　us！　　She　is　the
  one　that　stayed　with　the　Montgomerys　a　whole　year。
  And　now；　Billy；　dear；〃　she　concluded；　〃you　must　go
  right　down　into　the　kitchen　and　discharge　H閘oise。　　She
  has　been　drunk　again　the　whole　day　long。〃
  SOCIOLOGY　IN　SERGE　AND　STRAW
  The　season　of　irresponsibility　is　at　hand。　　Come；
  let　us　twine　round　our　brows　wreaths　of　poison　ivy　（that
  is　for　idiocy）；　and　wander　hand　in　hand　with　sociology
  in　the　summer　fields。
  Likely　as　not　the　world　is　flat。　　The　wise　men　have
  tried　to　prove　that　it　is　round；　with　indifferent　success。
  They　pointed　out　to　us　a　ship　going　to　sea；　and　bade　us
  observe　that；　at　length；　the　convexity　of　the　earth　hid
  from　our　view　all　but　the　vessel's　topmast。　　But　we
  picked　up　a　telescope　and　looked；　and　saw　the　decks
  and　hull　again。　　Then　the　wise　men　said：　〃Oh；　pshaw！
  anyhow；　the　variation　of　the　intersection　of　the　equator
  and　the　ecliptic　proves　it。〃　　We　could　not　see　this　through
  our　telescope；　so　we　remained　silent。　　But　it　stands　to
  reason　that；　if　the　world　were　round；　the　queues　of　China…
  Men　would　stand　straight　up　from　their　heads　instead
  of　hanging　down　their　backs；　as　travellers　assure　us　they　do。
  Another　hot…weather　corroboration　of　the　flat　theory
  is　the　fact　that　all　of　life；　as　we　know　it；　moves　in　little；
  unavailing　circles。　　More　justly　than　to　anything　else；
  it　can　be　likened　to　the　game　of　baseball。　　Crack！　　we
  hit　the　ball；　and　away　we　go。　　If　we　earn　a　run　（in　life
  we　call　it　success）　we　get　back　to　the　home　plate　and　sit
  upon　a　bench。　　If　we　are　thrown　out；　we　walk　back　to　the
  home　plate　　and　sit　upon　a　bench。
  The　circumnavigators　of　the　alleged　globe　may
  have　sailed　the　rim　of　a　watery　circle　back　to　the　same
  port　again。　　The　truly　great　return　at　the　high　tide　of
  their　attainments　to　the　simplicity　of　a　child。　　The
  billionaire　sits　down　at　his　mahogany　to　his　bowl　of　bread
  and　milk。　　When　you　reach　the　end　of　your　career；　just
  take　down　the　sign　〃Goal〃　and　look　at　the　other　side　of
  it。　　You　will　find　〃Beginning　Point〃　there。　　It　has　been
  reversed　while　you　were　going　around　the　track。
  But　this　is　humour；　and　must　be　stopped。　　Let　us
  get　back　to　the　serious　questions　that　arise　whenever
  Sociology　turns　summer　boarder。　　You　are　invited　to
  consider　the　scene　of　the　story…wild；　Atlantic　waves；
  thundering　against　a　wooded　and　rock…bound　shore
  in　the　Greater　City　of　New　York。
  The　town　of　Fishampton；　on　the　south　shore　of　Long
  Island；　is　noted　for　its　clam　fritters　and　the　summer
  residence　of　the　Van　Plushvelts。
  The　Van　Plushvelts　have　a　hundred　million　dollars；
  and　their　name　is　a　household　word　with　tradesmen　and
  photographers。
  On　the　fifteenth　of　June　the　Van　Plushvelts　boarded
  up　the　front　door　of　their　city　house；　carefully　deposited
  their　cat　on　the　sidewalk；　instructed　the　caretaker　not
  to　allow　it　to　eat　any　of　the　ivy　on　the　walls；　and　whizzed
  away　in　a　40…horse…power　to　Fishampton　to　stray　alone
  the　shade　　Amaryllis　not　being　in　their　class。　　If
  a　subscriber　to　the　Toadies'　Magazine；　you　have
  often　　You　say　you　are　not？　　Well；　you　buy　it　at　a
  news…stand；　thinking　that　the　newsdealer　is　not　wise　to
  you。　　But　he　knows　about　it　all。　　HE　knows　　HE
  knows！　　I　say　that　you　have　often　seen　in　the　Toadies'
  Magazine　pictures　of　the　Van　Plushvelts'　summer　home；
  so　it　will　not　be　described　here。　　Our　business　is　with
  young　Haywood　Van　Plushvelt；　sixteen　years　old；　heir
  to　the　century　of　millions；　darling　of　the　financial　gods
  and　great　grandson　of　Peter　Van　Plushvelt；　former　owner
  of　a　particularly　fine　cabbage　patch　that　has　been　ruined
  by　an　intrusive　lot　of　downtown　skyscrapers。
  One　afternoon　young　Haywood　Van　Plushvelt　strolled
  out　between　the　granite　gate　posts　of　〃Dolce　far　Niente〃
  that's　what　they　called　the　place；　and　it　was　an　improve…
  ment　on　dolce　Far　Rockaway；　I　can　tell　you。
  Haywood　walked　down　into　the　village。　　He　was
  human；　after　all；　and　his　prospective　millions　weighed
  upon　him。　　Wealth　had　wreaked　upon　him　its　direfullest。
  He　was　the　product　of　private　tutors。　　Even　under　his
  first　hobby…horse　had　tan　bark　been　strewn。　　He　had
  been　born　with　a　gold　spoon；　lobster　fork　and　fish…set　in
  his　mouth。　　For　which　I　hope；　later；　to　submit　justification；
  I　must　ask　your　consideration　of　his　haberdashery　and
  tailoring。
  Young　Fortunatus　was　dressed　in　a　neat　suit　of　dark
  blue　serge；　a　neat；　white　straw　hat；　neat　low…cut　tan　shoes；
  of　the　well…known　〃immaculate〃　trade　mark；　a
  neat；　narrow　four…in…hand　tie；　and　carried　a　slender；
  neat；　bamboo　cane。
  Down　Persimmon　Street　（there's　never　tree　north　of
  Hagerstown；　Md。）　came　from　the　village　〃Smoky〃
  Dodson；　fifteen　and　a　half；　worst　boy　in　Fishampton。
  〃Smoky〃　was　dressed　in　a　ragged　red　sweater；　wrecked
  and　weather…worn　golf　cap；　run…over　shoes；　and　trousers
  of　the　〃serviceable〃　brand。　　Dust；　clinging　to　the　mois…
  ture　induced　by　free　exercise；　darkened　wide　areas　of
  his　face。　　〃Smoky〃　carried　a　baseball　bat；　and　a　league
  ball　that　advertised　itself　in　the　rotundity　of　his　trousers
  pocket。　　Haywood　stopped　and　passed　the　time　of　day。
  〃Going　to　play　ball？〃　　he　asked。
  〃Smoky's〃　eyes　and　countenance　confronted　him
  with　a　frank　blue…and…freckled　scrutiny。
  〃Me？〃　　he　said；　with　deadly　mildness；　〃sure　not。
  Can't　you　see　I've　got　a　divin'　suit　on？　　I'm　goin'　up　in
  a　submarine　balloon　to　catch　butterflies　with　a　two…inch
  auger。
  〃Excuse　me；〃　said　Haywood；　with　the　insulting　polite…
  …ness　of　his　caste；　〃for　mistaking　you　for　a　gentleman。　　I
  might　have　known　better。〃
  〃How　might　you　have　known　better　if　you　thought　I
  was　one？〃　　said　〃Smoky；〃　unconsciously　a　logician。
  〃By　your　appearances；〃　said　Haywood。　　〃No　gentle…
  man　is　dirty；　ragged　and　a　liar。〃
  〃Smoky〃　hooted　once　like　a　ferry…boat；　spat　on　his
  hand；　got　a　firm　grip　on　his　baseball　bat　and　then　dropped
  it　against　the　fence。
  〃Say；〃　said　he；　〃I　knows　you。　　You're　the　pup　that
  belongs　in　that　swell　private　summer　sanitarium　for　city…
  guys　over　there。　　I　seen　you　come　out　of　the　gate。　　You
  can't　bluff　nobody　because　you're　rich。　　And　because
  you　got　on　swell　clothes。　　Arabella！　　Yah！〃
  〃Ragamuffin！〃　　said　Hay…wood。
  〃Smoky〃　picked　up　a　fence…rail　splinter　and　laid　it　on
  his　shoulder。
  〃Dare　you　to　knock　it　off；〃　he　challenged。
  〃I　wouldn't　soil　my　hands　with　you；〃　said　the　aristocrat。
  〃'Fraid；〃　said　〃Smoky〃　concisely。　　〃Youse　city…
  ducks　ain't　got　the　I　sand。　　I　kin　lick　you　with　one…
  hand。〃
  〃I　don't　wish　to　have　any　trouble　with　you；〃　said
  Haywood。　　〃I　asked　you　a　civil　question；　and　you　replied；
  like　a　　like　a　　a　cad。〃
  〃Wot's　a　cad？〃　　asked　〃Smoky。〃
  〃A　cad　is　a　disagreeable　person；〃　answered　Haywood；
  〃who　lacks　manners　and　doesn't　know　his　place。　　They；
  sometimes　play　baseball。〃
  〃I　can　tell　you　what　a　mollycoddle　is；〃　said　〃Smoky。〃
  〃It's　a　monkey　dressed　up　by　its　mother　and　sent　out　too
  pick　daisies　on　the　lawn。〃
  〃When　you　have　the　honour　to　refer　to　the　members
  of　my　family；〃　said　Haywood；　with　some　dim　ideas
  of　a　code　in　his　mind；　〃you'd　better　leave　the　ladies　out
  of　your　remarks。〃
  〃Ho！　　ladies！〃　　mocked　the　rude　one。　　〃I　say　ladies！
  I　know　what　them　rich　women　in　the　city　does。　　They；
  drink　cocktails　and　swear　and　give　parties　to　gorillas。
  The　papers　says　so。〃
  Then　Haywood　knew　that　it　must　be。　　He　took　off
  his　coat；　folded　it　neatly　and　laid　it　on　the　roadside　grass；
  placed　his　hat　upon　it　and　began　to　unknot　his　blue　silk
  tie。
  〃Hadn't　yer　better　ring　fer　yer　maid；　Arabella？〃
  taunted　〃Smoky。〃　　〃Wot　yer　going　to　do　　go　to　bed？〃
  〃I'm　going　to　give　you　a　good　trouncing；〃　said　the
  hero。　　He　did　not　hesitate；　although　the　enemy　was　far
  beneath　him　socially。　　He　remembered　that　his　father
  once　thrashed　a　cabman；　and　the　papers　gave　it　two　col…
  umns；　first　page。　　And　the　Toadies'　Magazine　had　a
  special　article　on　Upper　Cuts　by　the　Upper　Classes；　and
  ran　new　pictures　of　the　Van　Plushvelt　country　seat；　at
  Fishampton。
  〃Wot's　trouncing？〃　　asked　〃Smoky；〃　suspiciously。
  〃I　don't　want　your　old　clothes。　　I'm　no　　oh；　you　mean
  to　scrap！　　My；　my！　　I　won't　do　a　thing　to　mamma's　pet。
  Criminy！　　I'd　hate　to　be　a　hand…laundered　thing　like
  you。
  〃Smoky〃　waited　with　some　awkwardness　for　his
  adversary　to　prepare　for　battle。　　His　own　decks　were
  always　clear　for　action。　　When　he　should　spit　upon　the
  palm　of　his　terrible　right　it　was　equivalent　to　〃You　may
  fire　now；　Gridley。〃
  The　hated　patrician　advanced；　with　his　shirt　sleeves
  neatly　rolled　up。　　〃Smoky〃　waited；　in　an　attitude　of
  ease；　expecting　the　affair　to　be　conducted　according　to
  Fishampton's　rules　of　war。　　These　allowed　combat
  to　be　prefaced　by　stigma；　recrimination；　epithet；　abuse
  and　insult　gradually　increasing　in　emphasis　and　degree。
  After　a　round　o