The　plural　number　and　the　accents　mild；
  The　language　of　a　parent　to　a　child。
  With　plaintive　voice　the　worthy　man　doth　state；
  We've　not　been　very　regular　of　late。
  It　should　more　carefully　its　chapels　keep；
  And　not　make　noises　to　disturb　our　sleep
  By　having　suppers　and　at　early　hours
  Raising　its　lungs　unto　their　utmost　powers。
  We'll　put　it；　if　it　makes　a　noise　again；
  On　gatesey　patsems　at　the　hour　of　ten；
  And　leafy　peafy　it　will　turn　I'm　sure；
  And　never　vex　its　own　dear　Sharpey　more。
  II
  SCENE。The　Court　of　St。　John's　College；　Cambridge。　　Enter　the　two
  Deans　on　their　way　to　morning　chapel。
  JUNIOR　DEAN。　　Brother；　I　am　much　pleased　with　Samuel　Butler；
  I　have　observed　him　mightily　of　late；
  Methinks　that　in　his　melancholy　walk
  And　air　subdued　whene'er　he　meeteth　me
  Lurks　something　more　than　in　most　other　men。
  SENIOR　DEAN。　　It　is　a　good　young　man。　　I　do　bethink　me
  That　once　I　walked　behind　him　in　the　cloister；
  He　saw　me　not；　but　whispered　to　his　fellow：
  〃Of　all　men　who　do　dwell　beneath　the　moon
  I　love　and　reverence　most　the　senior　Dean。〃
  JUNIOR　DEAN。　　One　thing　is　passing　strange；　and　yet　I　know　not
  How　to　condemn　it；　but　in　one　plain　brief　word
  He　never　comes　to　Sunday　morning　chapel。
  Methinks　he　teacheth　in　some　Sunday…school；
  Feeding　the　poor　and　starveling　intellect
  With　wholesome　knowledge；　or　on　the　Sabbath　morn
  He　loves　the　country　and　the　neighbouring　spire
  Of　Madingley　or　Coton；　or　perchance
  Amid　some　humble　poor　he　spends　the　day；
  Conversing　with　them；　learning　all　their　cares；
  Comforting　them　and　easing　them　in　sickness。
  SENIOR　DEAN。　　I　will　advance　him　to　some　public　post；
  He　shall　be　chapel　clerk；　some　day　a　Fellow；
  Some　day　perhaps　a　Dean；　but　as　thou　say'st
  He　is　indeed　an　excellent　young　man　…
  Enter　BUTLER　suddenly；　without　a　coat　or　anything　on　his　head；
  rushing　through　the　cloisters；　bearing　a　cup；　a　bottle　of　cider；
  four　lemons；　two　nutmegs；　half　a　pound　of　sugar　and　a　nutmeg　grater。
  Curtain　falls　on　the　confusion　of　BUTLER　and　the　horror…stricken
  dismay　of　the　two　Deans。
  THE　BATTLE　OF　ALMA　MATER
  I
  The　Temperance　commissioners
  In　awful　conclave　sat；
  Their　noses　into　this　to　poke
  To　poke　them　into　that　…
  In　awful　conclave　sat　they；
  And　swore　a　solemn　oath；
  That　snuff　should　make　no　Briton　sneeze；
  That　smokers　all　to　smoke　should　cease；
  They　swore　to　conquer　both。
  II
  Forth　went　a　great　Teetotaller；
  With　pamphlet　armed　and　pen；
  He　travelled　east；　he　travelled　west；
  Tobacco　to　condemn。
  At　length　to　Cantabrigia；
  To　move　her　sons　to　shame；
  Foredoomed　to　chaff　and　insult；
  That　gallant　hero　came。
  III
  'Tis　Friday：　　to　the　Guildhall
  Come　pouring　in　apace
  The　gownsmen　and　the　townsmen
  Right　thro'　the　market　place　…
  They　meet；　these　bitter　foemen
  Not　enemies　but　friends　…
  Then　fearless　to　the　rostrum；
  The　Lecturer　ascends。
  IV
  He　cursed　the　martyr'd　Raleigh；
  He　cursed　the　mild　cigar；
  He　traced　to　pipe　and　cabbage　leaf
  Consumption　and　catarrh；
  He　railed　at　simple　bird's…eye；
  By　freshmen　only　tried；
  And　with　rude　and　bitter　jest　assailed
  The　yard　of　clay　beside。
  V
  When　suddenly　full　twenty　pipes；
  And　weeds　full　twenty　more
  Were　seen　to　rise　at　signal；
  Where　none　were　seen　before。
  No　mouth　but　puffed　out　gaily
  A　cloud　of　yellow　fume；
  And　merrily　the　curls　of　smoke
  Went　circling　'thro　the　room。
  VI
  In　vain　th'　indignant　mayor　harangued；
  A　mighty　chandler　he！
  While　peas　his　hoary　head　around
  They　whistled　pleasantly。
  In　vain　he　tenderly　inquired；
  'Mid　many　a　wild　〃hurrah！〃
  〃Of　this　what　father　dear　would　think；
  Of　that　what　dear　mamma？〃
  VII
  In　rushed　a　host　of　peelers；
  With　a　sergeant　at　the　head；
  Jaggard　to　every　kitchen　known；
  Of　missuses　the　dread。
  In　rushed　that　warlike　multitude；
  Like　bees　from　out　their　hive；
  With　Fluffy　of　the　squinting　eye；
  And　fighting　No。　5。
  VIII
  Up　sprang　Inspector　Fluffy；
  Up　Sergeant　Jaggard　rose；
  And　playfully　with　staff　he　tapped
  A　gownsman　on　the　nose。
  As　falls　a　thundersmitten　oak；
  The　valiant　Jaggard　fell；
  With　a　line　above　each　ogle；
  And　a　〃mouse〃　or　two　as　well。
  IX
  But　hark！　the　cry　is　〃Smuffkins！
  And　loud　the　gownsmen　cheer；
  And　lo！　a　stalwart　Johnian
  Comes　jostling　from　the　rear：
  He　eyed　the　flinching　peelers；
  He　aimed　a　deadly　blow；
  Then　quick　before　his　fist　went　down
  Inspector；　Marshal；　Peelers；　Town；
  While　fiercer　fought　the　joyful　Gown；
  To　see　the　claret　flow。
  X
  They　run；　they　run！　to　win　the　door
  The　vanquished　peelers　flew；
  They　left　the　sergeant's　hat　behind；
  And　the　lecturer's　surtout：
  Now　by　our　Lady　Margaret；
  It　was　a　goodly　sight；
  To　see　that　routed　multitude
  Swept　down　the　tide　of　flight。
  XI
  Then　hurrah！　for　gallant　Smuffkins；
  For　Cantabs　one　hurrah！
  Like　wolves　in　quest　of　prey　they　scent
  A　peeler　from　afar。
  Hurrah！　for　all　who　strove　and　bled
  For　liberty　and　right；
  What　time　within　the　Guildhall
  Was　fought　the　glorious　fight。
  ON　THE　ITALIAN　PRIESTHOOD
  This　an　adaptation　of　the　following　epigram；　which　appeared　in
  Giuseppe　Giusti's　RACCOLTA　DI　PROVERBI　TOSCANI　（Firenze；　1853）
  Con　arte　e　con　inganno　si　vive　mezzo　l'anno
  Con　inganno　e　con　arte　si　vive　l'altra　parte。
  In　knavish　art　and　gathering　gear
  They　spend　the　one　half　of　the　year；
  In　gathering　gear　and　knavish　art
  They　somehow　spend　the　other　part。
  SAMUEL　BUTLER　AND　THE　SIMEONITES
  The　following　article；　which　originally　appeared　in　the　CAMBRIDGE
  MAGAZINE；　1　March；　1913；　is　by　Mr。　A。　T。　Bartholomew；　of　the
  University　Library；　Cambridge；　who　has　most　kindly　allowed　me　to
  include　it　in　the　present　volume。　　Mr。　Bartholomew's　discovery　of
  Samuel　Butler's　parody　of　the　Simeonite　tract　throws　a　most
  interesting　light　upon　a　curious　passage　in　THE　WAY　OF　ALL　FLESH；
  and　it　is　a　great　pleasure　to　me　to　be　able　to　give　Butlerians　the
  story　of　Mr。　Bartholomew's　〃find〃　in　his　own　words。
  Readers　of　Samuel　Butler's　remarkable　story　The　Way　of　All　Flesh
  will　probably　recall　his　description　of　the　Simeonites　（chap。
  xlvii）；　who　still　flourished　at　Cambridge　when　Ernest　Pontifex　was
  up　at　Emmanuel。　　Ernest　went　down　in　1858；　so　did　Butler。
  Throughout　the　book　the　spiritual　and　intellectual　life　and
  development　of　Ernest　are　drawn　from　Butler's　own　experience。
  〃The　one　phase　of　spiritual　activity　which　had　any　life　in　it　during
  the　time　Ernest　was　at　Cambridge　was　connected　with　the　name　of
  Simeon。　　There　were　still　a　good　many　Simeonites；　or　as　they　were
  more　briefly　called　'Sims；'　in　Ernest's　time。　　Every　college
  contained　some　of　them；　but　their　head…quarters　were　at　Caius；
  whither　they　were　attracted　by　Mr。　Clayton；　who　was　at　that　time
  senior　tutor；　and　among　the　sizars　of　St。　John's。　　Behind　the　then
  chapel　of　this　last…named　college　was　a　'labyrinth'　（this　was　the
  name　it　bore）　of　dingy；　tumble…down　rooms；〃　and　here　dwelt　many
  Simeonites；　〃unprepossessing　in　feature；　gait；　and　manners；　unkempt
  and　ill…dressed　beyond　what　can　be　easily　described。　　Destined　most
  of　them　for　the　Church；　the　Simeonites　held　themselves　to　have
  received　a　very　loud　call　to　the　ministry　。　。　。　They　would　be
  instant　in　season　and　out　of　season　in　imparting　spiritual
  instruction　to　all　whom　they　could　persuade　to　listen　to　them。　　But
  the　soil　of　the　more　prosperous　undergraduates　was　not　suitable　for
  the　seed　they　tried　to　sow。　　When　they　distributed　tracts；　dropping
  them　at　night　into　good　men's　letter　boxes　while　they　were　asleep；
  their　tracts　got　burnt；　or　met　with　even　worse　contumely。〃　　For
  Ernest　Pontifex　〃they　had　a　repellent　attraction；　he　disliked　them；
  but　he　could　not　bring　himself　to　leave　them　alone。　　On　one　occasion
  he　had　gone　so　far　as　to　parody　one　of　the　tracts　they　had　sent
  round　in　the　night；　and　to　get　a　copy　dropped　into　each　of　the
  leading　Simeonites'　boxes。　　The　subject　he　had　taken　was　'Personal
  Cleanliness。'〃
  Some　years　ago　I　found　among　the　Cambridge　papers　in　the　late　Mr。　J。
  W。　Clark's　collection　three　printed　pieces　bearing　on　the　subject。
  The　first　is　a　genuine　Simeonite　tract；　the　other　two　are　parodies。
  All　three　are　anonymous。　　At　the　top　of　the　second　parody　is　written
  〃By　S。　Butler。　　March　31。〃　　It　will　be　necessary　to　give　a　few
  quotations　from　the　Simeonite　utterance　in　order　to　bring　out　the
  full　flavour　of　Butler's　parody；　which　is　given　entire。　　Butler　went
  up　to　St。　John's　in　October；　1854；　so　at　the　time　of　writing　this
  squib　he　was　in　his　second　term；　and　18　years　of　age。
  A。T。B。
  I。Extracts　from　the　sheet　dated　〃St。　John's　College；　March　13th；
  1855。〃　　In　a　manuscript　note　this　is　stated　to　be　by　Ynyr　Lamb；　of
  St。　John's　（B。A。；　1862）。
  1。　　When　a　celebrated　French　king　once　showed　the　infidel
  philosopher　Hume　into　his　carriage；　the　latter　at　once　leaped　in；　on
  which　his　majesty　remarked：　　〃That's　the　most　accomplished　man
  living。〃
  It　is　impossible　to　presume　enough　on　Divine　grace；　this　kind　of
  presumption　is　the　characteristic　of　Heaven。　。　。
  2。　　Religion　is　not　an　obedience　to　external　forms　or　observances；
  but　〃a　bold　leap　in　the　dark　into　the　arms　of　an　affectionate
  Father。〃