第 163 节
作者:温暖寒冬      更新:2024-04-09 19:50      字数:9230
  Adam      did  not   speak    immediately。      They    sat   looking    at  each
  other     in  delicious    silence—for      the   first  sense    of   mutual     love
  excludes other feelings; it will have the soul all to itself。
  “Then; Dinah;” Adam said at last; “how can there be anything
  contrary      to  what’s    right  in   our   belonging     to  one   another     and
  spending   our   lives      together?    Who     put   this  great   love   into  our
  George Eliot                                                         ElecBook Classics
  … Page 668…
  Adam Bede                                      668
  hearts?   Can   anything   be   holier   than   that?   For   we   can   help   one
  another in everything as is good。 I’d never think o’ putting myself
  between you and God; and saying you oughtn’t to do this and you
  oughtn’t to do that。 You’d follow your conscience as much as you
  do now。”
  “Yes; Adam;” Dinah said;   “I   know  marriage   is a   holy  state   for
  those  who   are   truly   called   to   it;   and   have   no   other   drawing;   but
  from my childhood upwards I have been led towards another path;
  all my peace and my joy have come from having no life of my own;
  no wants; no wishes for myself; and living only in God and those of
  his   creatures   whose   sorrows   and   joys   he   has   given   me   to   know。
  Those have been very blessed years to me; and I feel that if I was
  to listen to any voice that would draw me aside from that path; I
  should be turning my back on the light that  has   shone   upon me;
  and darkness and doubt would take hold of me。 We could not bless
  each     other;   Adam;     if  there   were    doubts    in   my   soul;   and   if  I
  yearned;   when   it   was   too   late;   after   that   better   part   which   had
  once been given me and I had put away from me。”
  “But   if   a   new   feeling   has   come   into   your   mind;   Dinah;   and   if
  you  love   me   so  as  to  be   willing  to  be nearer  to  me   than   to  other
  people; isn’t that a sign that it’s right for you to change your life?
  Doesn’t the love make it right when nothing else would?”
  “Adam;   my   mind   is   full   of   questionings   about   that;   for   now;
  since you tell me of your strong love towards me; what was clear to
  me   has   become   dark   again。   I   felt   before   that   my   heart   was   too
  strongly drawn towards you; and that your heart was not as mine;
  and the thought of you had taken hold of me; so that my soul had
  lost    its  freedom;     and    was    becoming       enslaved     to   an   earthly
  affection; which made me anxious and careful about what should
  George Eliot                                                         ElecBook Classics
  … Page 669…
  Adam Bede                                       669
  befall myself。 For in all other affection I had been content with any
  small return; or with none; but my heart was beginning to hunger
  after   an   equal   love   from   you。   And   I   had   no   doubt   that   I   must
  wrestle against that as a great temptation; and the command was
  clear that I must go away。”
  “But   now;   dear;   dear   Dinah;   now   you   know   I   love   you   better
  than   you   love   me   。   。   。   it’s   all   different   now。   You   won’t   think   o’
  going。 You’ll stay; and be my dear wife; and I shall thank God for
  giving me my life as I never thanked him before。”
  “Adam; it’s hard to me to turn a deaf ear 。 。 。 you know it’s hard;
  but    a  great    fear   is  upon    me。   It  seems     to  me    as  if  you   were
  stretching   out   your   arms   to   me;   and   beckoning   me   to   come   and
  take my ease and live for my own delight; and Jesus; the   Man   of
  Sorrows;   was   standing   looking   towards   me;   and   pointing   to   the
  sinful;    and   suffering;   and     afflicted。   I  have   seen   that   again    and
  again   when   I   have   been   sitting   in   stillness   and   darkness;   and   a
  great terror has come upon me lest I should become hard; and a
  lover of self; and no more bear willingly the Redeemer’s cross。”
  Dinah  had closed   her  eyes;   and   a   faint   shudder   went   through
  her。   “Adam;”   she   went   on;   “you   wouldn’t   desire   that   we   should
  seek a good   through  any  unfaithfulness  to  the   light  that  is   in   us;
  you wouldn’t believe that could be a good。 We are of one mind in
  that。”
  “Yes;   Dinah;”   said   Adam   sadly;   “I’ll   never   be   the   man   t’   urge
  you against your conscience。 But I can’t give up the hope that you
  may   come   to   see   different。   I   don’t   believe   your   loving   me   could
  shut up your  heart—it’s   only  adding  to  what  you’ve   been before;
  not taking away from it。 For it seems to me it’s the same with love
  and happiness as with sorrow—the more we know of it the better
  George Eliot                                                           ElecBook Classics
  … Page 670…
  Adam Bede                                      670
  we can feel what other  people’s   lives   are  or  might  be;   and  so  we
  shall   only   be   more   tender   to   ’em;   and   wishful   to   help   ’em。   The
  more      knowledge       a  man    has;   the   better    he’ll  do’s   work;    and
  feeling’s a sort o’ knowledge。”
  Dinah     was    silent;   her   eyes   were    fixed   in  contemplation       of
  something visible only to herself。 Adam went on presently with his
  pleading; “And you can do almost as much as you do now。 I won’t
  ask you to go to church with me of a Sunday。 You shall go where
  you like among the people; and teach ’em; for though I like church
  best; I don’t put my soul above yours; as if my words was better for
  you to follow than your own conscience。 And you can help the sick
  just   as   much;   and   you’ll   have   more   means   o’   making   ’em   a   bit
  comfortable; and you’ll be among all your own friends as love you;
  and   can   help   ’em   and   be   a   blessing   to   ’em   till   their   dying   day。
  Surely; Dinah; you’d be as near to God as if you was living lonely
  and away from me。”
  Dinah made no answer  for  some   time。   Adam   was still   holding
  her hands and looking at her with almost trembling anxiety; when
  she turned her grave loving eyes on his and said; in rather a sad
  voice; “Adam there is truth in what you say; and there’s many of
  the   brethren   and   sisters   who   have   greater   strength   than   I   have;
  and     find   their   hearts    enlarged     by  the   cares    of  husband      and
  kindred。 But I have not faith that it would be so with me; for since
  my affections have been set above measure on you; I have had less
  peace and joy in God。 I have felt as it were a division in my heart。
  And think how it is   with  me;  Adam。   That  life  I   have   led   is   like a
  land   I   have   trodden   in   blessedness   since   my   childhood;   and   if   I
  long  for  a moment  to  follow  the   voice   which   calls   me   to  another
  land     that   I  know    not;   I  cannot    but   fear   that   my   soul   might
  George Eliot                                                         ElecBook Classics
  … Page 671…
  Adam Bede                                      671
  hereafter   yearn   for   that   early   blessedness   which   I   had   forsaken;
  and where doubt enters there is not perfect love。   I must  wait  for
  clearer     guidance。     I  must    go   from    you;   and   we    must    submit
  ourselves entirely to the Divine  Will。  We are   sometimes   required
  to lay our natural lawful affections on the altar。”
  Adam dared not  plead again;   for  Dinah’s   was   not   the   voice   of
  caprice   or  insincerity。   But  it  was   very  hard   for  him;   his   eyes   got
  dim as he looked at her。
  “But   you   may   come   to   feel   satisfied   。   。   。   to   feel   that   you   may
  come to me again; and we may never part; Dinah?”
  “We must submit ourselves; Adam。 With time; our duty will be
  made   clear。   It   may   be   when   I   have   entered   on   my   former   life;   I
  shall find all these new thoughts and wishes  vanish;   and  become
  as things that were not。 Then I   shall   know  that  my  calling  is not
  towards marriage。 But we must wait。”
  “Dinah;” said Adam mournfully; “you can’t love me so well as I
  love you; else you’d have no doubts。 But it’s natural you shouldn’t;
  for I’m not so good as you。 I can’t doubt it’s right for me to love the
  best thing God’s ever given me to know。”
  “Nay; Adam。 It se