know　a　plantain…patch　from　a　kangaroo！　　I　did　not　know　what　to　do。　　I　was
  crazed　and　helpless。　　I　let　the　day　slip　away　without　doing　anything　at
  all。　　The　next　morning　the　same　paper　had　thisnothing　more：
  SIGNIFICANT。Mr。　　Twain；　it　will　be　observed；　is　suggestively
  silent　about　the　Cochin　China　perjury。
  ＇Mem。During　the　rest　of　the　campaign　this　paper　never　referred　to　me　in
  any　other　way　than　as　〃the　infamous　perjurer　Twain。〃＇
  Next　came　the　Gazette；　with　this：
  WANTED　TO　KNOW。Will　the　new　candidate　for　Governor　deign　to
  explain　to　certain　of　his　fellow…citizens　（who　are　suffering　to　vote
  for　him！）　the　little　circumstance　of　his　cabin…mates　in　Montana
  losing　small　valuables　from　time　to　time；　until　at　last；　these
  things　having　been　invariably　found　on　Mr。　Twain's　person　or　in　his
  〃trunk〃　（newspaper　he　rolled　his　traps　in）；　they　felt　compelled　to
  give　him　a　friendly　admonition　for　his　own　good；　and　so　tarred　and
  feathered　him；　and　rode　him　on　a　rail；　and　then　advised　him　to　leave
  a　permanent　vacuum　in　the　place　he　usually　occupied　in　the　camp。
  Will　he　do　this？
  Could　anything　be　more　deliberately　malicious　than　that？　　For　I　never　was
  in　Montana　in　my　life。
  ＇After　this；　this　journal　customarily　spoke　of　me　as；　〃Twain；　the　Montana
  Thief。〃＇
  I　got　to　picking　up　papers　apprehensivelymuch　as　one　would　lift　a
  desired　blanket　which　he　had　some　idea　might　have　a　rattlesnake　under　it。
  One　day　this　met　my　eye：
  THE　LIE　NAILED。By　the　sworn　affidavits　of　Michael　O'Flanagan；
  Esq。；　of　the　Five　Points；　and　Mr。　Snub　Rafferty　and　Mr。　Catty
  Mulligan；　of　Water　Street；　it　is　established　that　Mr。　Mark　Twain's
  vile　statement　that　the　lamented　grandfather　of　our　noble　standard…
  bearer；　Blank　J。　Blank；　was　hanged　for　highway　robbery；　is　a　brutal
  and　gratuitous　LIE；　without　a　shadow　of　foundation　in　fact。　　It　is
  disheartening　to　virtuous　men　to　see　such　shameful　means　resorted　to
  to　achieve　political　success　as　the　attacking　of　the　dead　in　their
  graves；　and　defiling　their　honored　names　with　slander。　　When　we
  think　of　the　anguish　this　miserable　falsehood　must　cause　the
  innocent　relatives　and　friends　of　the　deceased；　we　are　almost　driven
  to　incite　an　outraged　and　insulted　public　to　summary　and　unlawful
  vengeance　upon　the　traducer。　　But　no！　let　us　leave　him　to　the　agony
  of　a　lacerated　conscience　（though　if　passion　should　get　the　better
  of　the　public；　and　in　its　blind　fury　they　should　do　the　traducer
  bodily　injury；　it　is　but　too　obvious　that　no　jury　could　convict　and
  no　court　punish　the　perpetrators　of　the　deed）。
  The　ingenious　closing　sentence　had　the　effect　of　moving　me　out　of　bed
  with　despatch　that　night；　and　out　at　the　back　door　also；　while　the
  〃outraged　and　insulted　public〃　surged　in　the　front　way；　breaking
  furniture　and　windows　in　their　righteous　indignation　as　they　came；
  and　taking　off　such　property　as　they　could　carry　when　they　went。
  And　yet　I　can　lay　my　hand　upon　the　Book　and　say　that　I　never　slandered
  Mr。　Blank's　grandfather。　　More：　I　had　never　even　heard　of　him　or
  mentioned　him　up　to　that　day　and　date。
  ＇I　will　state；　in　passing；　that　the　journal　above　quoted　from　always
  referred　to　me　afterward　as　〃Twain；　the　Body…Snatcher。〃＇
  The　next　newspaper　article　that　attracted　my　attention　was　the　following：
  A　SWEET　CANDIDATE。Mr。　　Mark　Twain；　who　was　to　make　such　a
  blighting　speech　at　the　mass…meeting　of　the　Independents　last　night；
  didn't　come　to　time！　　A　telegram　from　his　physician　stated　that　he
  had　been　knocked　down　by　a　runaway　team；　and　his　leg　broken　in　two
  placessufferer　lying　in　great　agony；　and　so　forth；　and　so　forth；
  and　a　lot　more　bosh　of　the　same　sort。　　And　the　Independents　tried
  hard　to　swallow　the　wretched　subterfuge；　and　pretend　that　they　did
  not　know　what　was　the　real　reason　of　the　absence　of　the　abandoned
  creature　whom　they　denominate　their　standard…bearer。　　A　certain　man
  was　seen　to　reel　into　Mr。　　Twain's　hotel　last　night　in　a　state　of
  beastly　intoxication。　　It　is　the　imperative　duty　of　the　Independents
  to　prove　that　this　besotted　brute　was　not　Mark　Twain　himself。　　We
  have　them　at　last！　　This　is　a　case　that　admits　of　no　shirking。　　The
  voice　of　the　people　demands　in　thunder　tones；　〃WHO　WAS　THAT　MAN？〃
  It　was　incredible；　absolutely　incredible；　for　a　moment；　that　it　was
  really　my　name　that　was　coupled　with　this　disgraceful　suspicion。　　Three
  long　years　had　passed　over　my　head　since　I　had　tasted　ale；　beer；　wine　or
  liquor　or　any　kind。
  ＇It　shows　what　effect　the　times　were　having　on　me　when　I　say　that　I　saw
  myself；　confidently　dubbed　〃Mr。　Delirium　Tremens　Twain〃　in　the　next　issue
  of　that　journal　without　a　pangnotwithstanding　I　knew　that　with
  monotonous　fidelity　the　paper　would　go　on　calling　me　so　to　the　very　end。＇
  By　this　time　anonymous　letters　were　getting　to　be　an　important　part　of　my
  mail　matter。　　This　form　was　common
  How　about　that　old　woman　you　kiked　of　your　premises　which
  was　beging。　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　POL。　PRY。
  And　this：
  There　is　things　which　you　Have　done　which　is　unbeknowens　to　anybody
  but　me。　　You　better　trot　out　a　few　dots；　to　yours　truly；　or　you'll
  hear　through　the　papers　from
  HANDY　ANDY。
  This　is　about　the　idea。　　I　could　continue　them　till　the　reader　was
  surfeited；　if　desirable。
  Shortly　the　principal　Republican　journal　〃convicted〃　me　of　wholesale
  bribery；　and　the　leading　Democratic　paper　〃nailed〃　an　aggravated　case　of
  blackmailing　to　me。
  ＇In　this　way　I　acquired　two　additional　names：　〃Twain　the　Filthy
  Corruptionist〃　and　〃Twain　the　Loathsome　Embracer。〃＇
  By　this　time　there　had　grown　to　be　such　a　clamor　for　an　〃answer〃　to　all
  the　dreadful　charges　that　were　laid　to　me　that　the　editors　and　leaders　of
  my　party　said　it　would　be　political　ruin　for　me　to　remain　silent　any
  longer。　　　As　if　to　make　their　appeal　the　more　imperative；　the　following
  appeared　in　one　of　the　papers　the　very　next　day：
  BEHOLD　THE　MAN！The　independent　candidate　still　maintains　silence。
  Because　he　dare　not　speak。　　Every　accusation　against　him　has　been
  amply　proved；　and　they　have　been　indorsed　and　reindorsed　by　his　own
  eloquent　silence；　till　at　this　day　he　stands　forever　convicted。
  Look　upon　your　candidate；　Independents！　　Look　upon　the　Infamous
  Perjurer！　　the　Montana　Thief！　　the　Body…Snatcher！　　Contemplate　your
  incarnate　Delirium　Tremens！　　your　Filthy　Corruptionist！　　your
  Loathsome　Embracer！　　Gaze　upon　himponder　him　welland　then　say　if
  you　can　give　your　honest　votes　to　a　creature　who　has　earned　this
  dismal　array　of　titles　by　his　hideous　crimes；　and　dares　not　open　his
  mouth　in　denial　of　any　one　of　them！
  There　was　no　possible　way　of　getting　out　of　it；　and　so；　in　deep
  humiliation；　I　set　about　preparing　to　〃answer〃　a　mass　of　baseless　charges
  and　mean　and　wicked　falsehoods。　　But　I　never　finished　the　task；　for　the
  very　next　morning　a　paper　came　out　with　a　new　horror；　a　fresh　malignity；
  and　seriously　charged　me　with　burning　a　lunatic　asylum　with　all　its
  inmates；　because　it　obstructed　the　view　from　my　house。　　This　threw　me
  into　a　sort　of　panic。　　Then　came　the　charge　of　poisoning　my　uncle　to　get
  his　property；　with　an　imperative　demand　that　the　grave　should　be　opened。
  This　drove　me　to　the　verge　of　distraction。　　On　top　of　this　I　was　accused
  of　employing　toothless　and　incompetent　old　relatives　to　prepare　the　food
  for　the　foundling'　hospital　when　I　warden。　　I　was　waveringwavering。
  And　at　last；　as　a　due　and　fitting　climax　to　the　shameless　persecution
  that　party　rancor　had　inflicted　upon　me；　nine　little　toddling　children；
  of　all　shades　of　color　and　degrees　of　raggedness；　were　taught　to　rush
  onto　the　platform　at　a　public　meeting；　and　clasp　me　around　the　legs　and
  call　me　PA！
  I　gave　it　up。　　I　hauled　down　my　colors　and　surrendered。　　I　was　not　equal
  to　the　requirements　of　a　Gubernatorial　campaign　in　the　state　of　New　York；
  and　so　I　sent　in　my　withdrawal　from　the　candidacy；　and　in　bitterness　of
  spirit　signed　it；　〃Truly　yours；　once　a　decent　man；　but　now
  MARK　TWAIN；　LP。；　M。T。；　B。S。；　D。T。；　F。C。；　and　L。E。〃
  A　MYSTERIOUS　VISIT
  The　first　notice　that　was　taken　of　me　when　I　〃settled　down〃　recently　was
  by　a　gentleman　who　said　he　was　an　assessor；　and　connected　with　the　U。　S。
  Internal　Revenue　Department。　　I　said　I　had　never　heard　of　his　branch　of
  business　before；　but　I　was　very　glad　to　see　him　all　the　same。　　Would　he
  sit　down？　　He　sat　down。　　I　did　not　know　anything　particular　to　say；　and
  yet　I　felt　that　people　who　have　arrived　at　the　dignity　of　keeping　house
  must　be　conversational；　must　be　easy　and　sociable　in　company。　　So；　in
  default　of　anything　else　to　say；　I　asked　him　if　he　was　opening　his　shop
  in　our　neighborhood。
  He　said　he　was。　　＇I　did　not　wish　to　appear　ignorant；　but　I　had　hoped　he
  would　mention　what　he　had　for　sale。＇
  I　ventured　to　ask　him　〃How　was　trade？〃　　And　he　said　〃So…so。〃
  I　then　said　we　would　drop　in；　and　if　we　liked　his　house　as　well　as　an