five　minutes　it　was　not　possible　to　tell　which　was　the　drunkest。　　Both
  were　as　drunk　as　loonsand　on　hot　whisky　punches；　by　the　smell　of　their
  breath。　　Yet　all　the　while　Chang's　moral　principles　were　unsullied；　his
  conscience　clear；　and　so　all　just　men　were　forced　to　confess　that　he　was
  not　morally；　but　only　physically；　drunk。　　By　every　right　and　by　every
  moral　evidence　the　man　was　strictly　sober；　and；　therefore；　it　caused　his
  friends　all　the　more　anguish　to　see　him　shake　hands　with　the　pump　and　try
  to　wind　his　watch　with　his　night…key。
  There　is　a　moral　in　these　solemn　warningsor；　at　least；　a　warning　in
  these　solemn　morals；　one　or　the　other。　　No　matter；　it　is　somehow。　　Let　us
  heed　it；　let　us　profit　by　it。
  I　could　say　more　of　an　instructive　nature　about　these　interesting　beings；
  but　let　what　I　have　written　suffice。
  Having　forgotten　to　mention　it　sooner；　I　will　remark　in　conclusion　that
  the　ages　of　the　Siamese　Twins　are　respectively　fifty…one　and　fifty…three
  years。
  SPEECH　AT　THE　SCOTTISH　BANQUET　IN　LONDON　＇Written　about　1872。＇
  On　the　anniversary　festival　of　the　Scottish　Corporation　of　London　on
  Monday　evening；　in　response　to　the　toast　of　〃The　Ladies；〃　MARK　TWAIN
  replied。　　The　following　is　his　speech　as　reported　in　the　London　Observer：
  I　am　proud；　indeed；　of　the　distinction　of　being　chosen　to　respond　to　this
  especial　toast；　to　'The　Ladies；'　or　to　women　if　you　please；　for　that　is
  the　preferable　term；　perhaps；　it　is　certainly　the　older；　and　therefore
  the　more　entitled　to　reverence　＇Laughter。＇　　I　have　noticed　that　the
  Bible；　with　that　plain；　blunt　honesty　which　is　such　a　conspicuous
  characteristic　of　the　Scriptures；　is　always　particular　to　never　refer　to
  even　the　illustrious　mother　of　all　mankind　herself　as　a　'lady；'　but
  speaks　of　her　as　a　woman；　＇Laughter。＇　　It　is　odd；　but　you　will　find　it　is
  so。　　I　am　peculiarly　proud　of　this　honor；　because　I　think　that　the　toast
  to　women　is　one　which；　by　right　and　by　every　rule　of　gallantry；　should
  take　precedence　of　all　othersof　the　army；　of　the　navy；　of　even　royalty
  itself　perhaps；　though　the　latter　is　not　necessary　in　this　day　and　in
  this　land；　for　the　reason　that；　tacitly；　you　do　drink　a　broad　general
  health　to　all　good　women　when　you　drink　the　health　of　the　Queen　of
  England　and　the　Princess　of　Wales。　　＇Loud　cheers。＇　　I　have　in　mind　a　poem
  just　now　which　is　familiar　to　you　all；　familiar　to　everybody。　　And　what
  an　inspiration　that　was　（and　how　instantly　the　present　toast　recalls　the
  verses　to　all　our　minds）　when　the　most　noble；　the　most　gracious；　the
  purest；　and　sweetest　of　all　poets　says：
  〃Woman！　　O　woman！er
  Wom〃
  ＇Laughter。＇　　However；　you　remember　the　lines；　and　you　remember　how
  feelingly；　how　daintily；　how　almost　imperceptibly　the　verses　raise　up
  before　you；　feature　by　feature；　the　ideal　of　a　true　and　perfect　woman；
  and　how；　as　you　contemplate　the　finished　marvel；　your　homage　grows　into
  worship　of　the　intellect　that　could　create　so　fair　a　thing　out　of　mere
  breath；　mere　words。　　And　you　call　to　mind　now；　as　I　speak；　how　the　poet；
  with　stern　fidelity　to　the　history　of　all　humanity；　delivers　this
  beautiful　child　of　his　heart　and　his　brain　over　to　the　trials　and　sorrows
  that　must　come　to　all；　sooner　or　later；　that　abide　in　the　earth；　and　how
  the　pathetic　story　culminates　in　that　apostropheso　wild；　so　regretful；
  so　full　of　mournful　retrospection。　　The　lines　run　thus：
  〃Alas！alas！aalas！
  Alas！alas！〃
  and　so　on。　　＇Laughter。＇　I　do　not　remember　the　rest；　but；　taken
  together；　it　seems　to　me　that　poem　is　the　noblest　tribute　to　woman　that
  human　genius　has　ever　brought　forth＇laughter）and　I　feel　that　if　I
  were　to　talk　hours　I　could　not　do　my　great　theme　completer　or　more
  graceful　justice　than　I　have　now　done　in　simply　quoting　that　poet's
  matchless　words。　　＇Renewed　laughter。＇　The　phases　of　the　womanly　nature
  are　infinite　in　their　variety。　　Take　any　type　of　woman；　and　you　shall
  find　in　it　something　to　respect；　something　to　admire；　something　to　love。
  And　you　shall　find　the　whole　joining　you　heart　and　hand。　　Who　was　more
  patriotic　than　Joan　of　Arc？　　Who　was　braver？　　Who　has　given　us　a　grander
  instance　of　self…sacrificing　devotion？　　Ah！　you　remember；　you　remember
  well；　what　a　throb　of　pain；　what　a　great　tidal　wave　of　grief　swept　over
  us　all　when　Joan　of　Arc　fell　at　Waterloo。　　＇Much　laughter。＇　　Who　does　not
  sorrow　for　the　loss　of　Sappho；　the　sweet　singer　of　Israel？　　＇Laughter。＇
  Who　among　us　does　not　miss　the　gentle　ministrations；　the　softening
  influences；　the　humble　piety　of　Lucretia　Borgia？　　＇Laughter。＇　　Who　can
  join　in　the　heartless　libel　that　says　woman　is　extravagant　in　dress　when
  he　can　look　back　and　call　to　mind　our　simple　and　lowly　mother　Eve　arrayed
  in　her　modification　of　the　Highland　costume。　　＇Roars　of　laughter。＇
  Sir；　women　have　been　soldiers；　women　have　been　painters；　women　have　been
  poets。　　As　long　as　language　lives　the　name　of　Cleopatra　will　live。
  And；　not　because　she　conquered　George　III。　＇laughter＇but　because　she
  wrote　those　divine　lines：
  〃Let　dogs　delight　to　bark　and　bite；
  For　God　hath　made　them　so。〃
  ＇More　laughter。＇　　The　story　of　the　world　is　adorned　with　the　names　of
  illustrious　ones　of　our　own　sexsome　of　them　sons　of　St。　　Andrew；　too
  Scott；　Bruce；　Burns；　the　warrior　Wallace；　Ben　Nevis＇laughter＇the
  gifted　Ben　Lomond；　and　the　great　new　Scotchman；　Ben　Disraeli。　　＇Great
  laughter。＇　　Out　of　the　great　plains　of　history　tower　whole　mountain
  ranges　of　sublime　womenthe　Queen　of　Sheba；　Josephine；　Semiramis；　Sairey
  Gamp；　the　list　is　endless＇laughter＇but　I　will　not　call　the　mighty
  roll；　the　names　rise　up　in　your　own　memories　at　the　mere　suggestion；
  luminous　with　the　glory　of　deeds　that　cannot　die；　hallowed　by　the　loving
  worship　of　the　good　and　the　true　of　all　epochs　and　all　climes。　　＇Cheers。＇
  Suffice　it　for　our　pride　and　our　honor　that　we　in　our　day　have　added　to
  it　such　names　as　those　of　Grace　Darling　and　Florence　Nightingale。
  ＇Cheers。＇　　Woman　is　all　that　she　should　be…gentle；　patient；　long
  suffering；　trustful；　unselfish；　full　of　generous　impulses。　　It　is　her
  blessed　mission　to　comfort　the　sorrowing；　plead　for　the　erring；　encourage
  the　faint　of　purpose；　succor　the　distressed；　uplift　the　fallen；　befriend
  the　friendless　in　a　word；　afford　the　healing　of　her　sympathies　and　a　home
  in　her　heart　for　all　the　bruised　and　persecuted　children　of　misfortune
  that　knock　at　its　hospitable　door。　＇Cheers。＇　　And　when　I　say；　God　bless
  her；　there　is　none　among　us　who　has　known　the　ennobling　affection　of　a
  wife；　or　the　steadfast　devotion　of　a　mother；　but　in　his　heart　will　say；
  Amen！　　＇Loud　and　prolonged　cheering。＇
  ＇Mr。　　Benjamin　Disraeli；　at　that　time　Prime　Minister　of　England；　had
  just　been　elected　Lord　Rector　of　Glasgow　University；　and　had　made　a
  speech　which　gave　rise　to　a　world　of　discussion。＇
  A　GHOST　STORY
  I　took　a　large　room；　far　up　Broadway；　in　a　huge　old　building　whose　upper
  stories　had　been　wholly　unoccupied　for　years　until　I　came。　　The　place　had
  long　been　given　up　to　dust　and　cobwebs；　to　solitude　and　silence。
  I　seemed　groping　among　the　tombs　and　invading　the　privacy　of　the　dead；
  that　first　night　I　climbed　up　to　my　quarters。　　For　the　first　time　in　my
  life　a　superstitious　dread　came　over　me；　and　as　I　turned　a　dark　angle　of
  the　stairway　and　an　invisible　cobweb　swung　its　slazy　woof　in　my　face　and
  clung　there；　I　shuddered　as　one　who　had　encountered　a　phantom。
  I　was　glad　enough　when　I　reached　my　room　and　locked　out　the　mold　and　the
  darkness。　　A　cheery　fire　was　burning　in　the　grate；　and　I　sat　down　before
  it　with　a　comforting　sense　of　relief。　　For　two　hours　I　sat　there；
  thinking　of　bygone　times；　recalling　old　scenes；　and　summoning　half…
  forgotten　faces　out　of　the　mists　of　the　past；　listening；　in　fancy；　to
  voices　that　long　ago　grew　silent　for　all　time；　and　to　once　familiar　songs
  that　nobody　sings　now。　　And　as　my　reverie　softened　down　to　a　sadder　and
  sadder　pathos；　the　shrieking　of　the　winds　outside　softened　to　a　wail；　the
  angry　beating　of　the　rain　against　the　panes　diminished　to　a　tranquil
  patter；　and　one　by　one　the　noises　in　the　street　subsided；　until　the
  hurrying　footsteps　of　the　last　belated　straggler　died　away　in　the
  distance　and　left　no　sound　behind。
  The　fire　had　burned　low。　　A　sense　of　loneliness　crept　over　me。　　I　arose
  and　undressed；　moving　on　tiptoe　about　the　room；　doing　stealthily　what　I
  had　to　do；　as　if　I　were　environed　by　sleeping　enemies　whose　slumbers　it
  would　be　fatal　to　break。　　I　covered　up　in　bed；　and　lay　listening　to　the
  rain　and　wind　and　the　faint　creaking　of　distant　shutters；　till　they
  lulled　me　to　sleep。
  I　slept　profoundly；　but　how　long　I　do　not　know。　　All　at　once　I　found
  myself　awake；　and　filled　with　a　shuddering　expectancy。　　All　was　still。
  All　but　my　own　heartI　could　hear　it　beat。　　Presently　the　bedclothes
  began　to　slip　away　slowly　toward　the　foot　of　the　bed；　as　if　some　one　were
  pulling　them！　　I　could　not　stir；　I　could　not　speak。　　Still　the　blankets
  slipped　deliberately　away；　till　my　breast　was　uncovered。　　Then　with　a
  great　effort　I　seized　them　and　drew　them　over　my　head。　　I　waited；
  listened；　waited