black　Oscar　de　la　Renta　number；　provided　kindly　by　Jeffy；　Closet
  maven　and　lover　of　all　things　feminine　（“Girl；　you　go　black…tie；　you
  go　Oscar；　and　that’s　that。　Now　don’t　be　shy；　take　those　pants　off
  and　try　this　on　for　Jeffy。”　I　began　to　unbutton　and　he　shuddered。　I
  asked　him　if　he　really　found　my　half…naked　body　that　repulsive；　and
  he　said　of　course　not；　it　was　merely　my　panty　lines　that　he　found　so
  disgusting）。　The　fashion　assistants　had　already　called　in　a　pair　of
  silver　Manolos　in　my　size；　and　someone　in　accessories　had　selected　a
  flashy　silver　Judith　Leiber　evening　bag　with　a　long；　clanking　chain。
  I’d　expressed　interest　in　an　understated　Calvin　Klein　clutch；　but
  she　snorted　at　the　suggestion　and　handed　me　the　Judith。　Stef　was
  debating　whether　I　should　wear　a　choker　or　a　pendant；　and　Allison；
  the　newly　promoted　beauty　editor；　was　on　the　phone　with　her
  manicurist；　who　made　office　calls。
  “She’ll　meet　you　in　the　conference　room　at　four　forty…five；”　Allison
  said　when　I　picked　up　my　extension。　“You’re　wearing　black；　right？
  Insist　on　Chanel　Ruby　Red。　Just　tell　her　to　bill　us。”
  The　entire　office　had　worked　itself　up　to　a　nearly　hysterical　frenzy
  trying　to　make　me　look　appropriate　for　the　night’s　gala　affair。　It
  certainly　wasn’t　because　they　all　adored　me　so　much　and　killed
  themselves　trying　to　help　me　out；　rather；　they　knew　Miranda　had
  mandated　the　makeover　and　were　eager　to　prove　to　her　the　high　level
  of　their　taste　and　class。
  Lily　finished　her　charity　makeup　lesson　and　I　briefly　wondered　if　I
  looked　ridiculous　wearing　a　floor…length　Oscar　de　la　Renta　gown　and
  Bonne　Belle　Lipsmackers　in　Fudgsicle。　Probably；　but　I　had　turned
  down　all　offers　of　having　a　makeup　artist　e　to　the　apartment。
  Everyone　on　staff　tried　to　insist—and　none　too　subtly—but　I
  adamantly　refused。　Even　I　had　limits。
  I　hobbled　into　the　bedroom　on　my　four…inch　Manolo　stilettos　and
  kissed　Alex　on　the　forehead。　He　barely　looked　up　from　the　magazine
  he　was　reading。
  “I’ll　definitely　be　home　by　eleven；　so　we　can　go　get　some　dinner　or
  drinks　then；　OK？　I’m　sorry　I　have　to　do　this；　I　really　am。　If　you　do
  decide　to　go　out　with　the　guys；　call　so　I　can　e　meet　you；　OK？”　He
  had；　as　promised；　e　directly　from　school　to　spend　the　night
  together；　and　hadn’t　been　all　that　thrilled　when　I’d　arrived　home
  with　the　news　that　he　could　definitely　have　a　relaxing　night　at　Home
  but　that　I　wouldn’t　be　a　part　of　the　plans。　He　was　sitting　on　the
  balcony　off　my　bedroom；　reading　an　old　copy　ofVanity　Fair　we　had
  lying　around　and　drinking　one　of　the　beers　Lily　kept　in　the　fridge
  for　guests。　It　wasn’t　until　after　I’d　explained　that　I　had　to　work
  tonight　that　I　even　noticed　he　and　Lily　weren’t　hanging　out。
  “Where　is　she？”　I　asked。　“She　has　no　classes；　and　I　know　she’s　not
  working　Fridays　all　summer。”
  Alex　took　a　swig　of　his　Pale　Ale　and　shrugged。　“I’m　guessing　she’s
  here。　Her　door’s　closed；　but　I　saw　some　guy　walking　around　before。”
  “Some　guy？　Could　you　be　a　little　more　descriptive？　What　guy？”　I
  wondered　if　someone　had　broken　in；　or　perhaps　Freudian　Boy　had
  finally　been　invited　over。
  “I　don’t　know；　but　he’s　scary…looking。　Tattoos；　piercings；
  wife…beater—the　whole　nine。　Can’t　imagine　where　she　met　this　one。”
  He　took　another　nonchalant　swig。
  Icouldn’t　imagine　where　she’d　found　him；　either；　considering　I’d
  left　her　at　eleven　the　night　before　in　the　pany　of　a　very　polite
  guy　named　William　who；　as　far　as　I　could　see；　was　not　a
  wife…beater…wearing；　tattoo…donning　kind　of　guy。
  “Alex；　seriously！　You’re　telling　me　there’s　some　thug　cruising
  around　my　apartment—a　thug　who　may　or　may　not　have　been　invited
  over—and　you　don’t　care？　This　is　ridiculous！　We　need　to　do
  something；”　I　said；　getting　up　from　the　chair　and　wondering；　as
  always；　if　the　weight　shift　was　going　to　cause　the　balcony　to　fall
  off　the　side　of　the　building。
  “Andy；　relax。　He’s　definitelynot　a　thug。”　He　flipped　a　page。　“He
  might　be　a　punk…grunge…freak；　but　he’s　not　a　thug。”
  “Great；　that’s　just　fucking　great。　Now　are　you　going　to　e　see
  what’s　going　on；　or　are　you　just　going　to　sit　there　all　night？”
  He　still　refused　to　look　at　me；　and　I　finally　understood　how　annoyed
  he　was　about　tonight。　Understandable；　entirely；　but　I　was　just　as
  irritated　to　have　to　work；　and　there　wasn’t　a　damn　thing　I　could　do
  about　it。　“Why　don’t　you　call　if　you　need　me？”
  “Fine；”　I　huffed　and　made　a　big　production　of　storming　inside。
  “Don’t　feel　guilty　when　you　find　my　dismembered　body　on　the　bathroom
  floor。　Really；　no　big　deal　。　。　。”
  I　stomped　inside　and　around　the　apartment　for　a　little　while；
  looking　for　evidence　of　this　guy’s　presence。　The　only　thing　that
  seemed　at　all　out　of　place　was　an　empty　bottle　of　Ketel　One　in　the
  sink。　Had　she　really　managed　to　buy；　open；　and　drink　an　entire
  bottle　of　vodka　sometime　after　midnight　last　night？　I　knocked　on　her
  door。　No　response。　I　knocked　a　little　more　insistently；　and　I　heard
  a　guy’s　voice　state　the　very　obvious　fact　that　someone　was　knocking
  on　the　door。　When　still　no　one　responded；　I　turned　the　doorknob。
  “Hello？　Anyone　Home　here？”　I　called　out；　trying　not　to　look　inside
  the　room　but　only　being　able　to　hold　out　for　about　five　seconds。　My
  eyes　skipped　over　the　two　pairs　of　jeans　that　were　tangled　up　on　the
  floor　and　the　bra　that　was　hanging　from　the　desk　chair　and　the
  overflowing　ashtray　that　made　the　room　stink　like　a　frat　house　and
  went　directly　to　the　bed；　where　my　best　friend　was　stretched　out　on
  her　side；　back　to　me；　pletely　naked。　A　sickly　looking　guy　with　a
  line　of　sweat　above　his　lip　and　a　head　full　of　greasy　hair　blended
  into　her　sheets：　his　dozens　of　snaking；　winding；　scary　tattoos　acted
  as　the　perfect　camouflage　against　her　green　and　blue　plaid
  forter。　There　was　a　gold　hoop　through　his　eyebrow；　much
  glittering　metal　from　each　ear；　and　two　small；　rounded　spikes　ing
  out　of　his　chin。　Thankfully　he　was　wearing　a　pair　of　boxers；　but
  they　looked　so　dirty　and　dingy　and　old　that　I　almost—almost—wished
  he　weren’t。　He　pulled　on　his　cigarette；　exhaled　slowly　and
  meaningfully；　and　nodded　in　my　general　direction。
  “Yo；”　he　said；　waving　his　cigarette　toward　me。　“You　mind　shuttin’
  the　door　there；　m’friend？”
  What？　“M’friend”？　Was　this　sleazy…looking　Aussie　actually　givingme
  attitude？
  “Are　you　smokingcrack　？”　I　asked；　no　longer　interested　in　manners　of
  any　sort；　and　not　at　all　scared。　He　was　shorter　than　me　and　couldn’t
  have　weighed　more　than　a　hundred　thirty—as　far　as　I　could　tell；　the
  worst　thing　he　could　do　to　me　at　that　point　would　be　to　touch　me。　I
  shuddered　when　I　thought　about　the　myriad　ways　he’d　probably　touched
  Lily；　who　was　still　sleeping　soundly　underneath　his　protective
  hover。　“Who　the　hell　do　you　think　you　are？　This　ismy　apartment；　and
  I’d　like　you　to　leave。　Now！”　I　added；　my　courage　fueled　by　the　time
  demands：　I　had　exactly　one　hour　to　get　gorgeous　for　the　single　most
  stressful　night　of　my　career；　and　dealing　with　this　strung…out　freak
  had　not　been　part　of　the　game　plan。
  “Duuuuuuuude。　Chill　out；”　he　breathed　and　inhaled　again。　“It　doesn’t
  look　like　your　friend　here　wants　me　to　leave　。　。　。”
  “She　would　want　you　to　leave　if　she　HAPPENED　TO　BE　CONSCIOUS；　YOU
  ASSHOLE！”　I　screamed；　horrified　that　Lily　had—in　all　likelihood—had
  sex　with　this　guy。　“I　assure　you；　I　speak　for　both　of　us　when　I　say
  GET　THE　FUCK　OUT　OF　OUR　APARTMENT！”
  I　felt　a　hand　on　my　shoulder　and　whipped　around　to　see　Alex；　looking
  concerned；　checking　out　the　situation。　“Andy；　why　don’t　you　get　in
  the　shower　and　let　me　take　care　of　this；　OK？”　Although　no　one　could
  call　him　a　big　guy；　he　looked　like　a　pro　wrestler　pared　to　the
  emaciated　mess　that　was　currently　nuzzling　his　facial　metal　against
  my　best　friend’s　bare　back。
  “I。　WANT。　HIM。”—I　pointed　here；　just　to　be　clear。—“OUT。　OF。　MY。
  APARTMENT。”
  “I　know　you　do；　and　I　think　he’s　about　ready　to　leave；　too；　aren’t
  you；　buddy？”　Alex　asked　in　the　kind　of　soothing　voice　you’d　use　with
  a　rabid…looking　dog　you　were　frightened　of　upsetting。
  “Duuuuuuude；no　issues　here。　Just　havin’　a　little　fun　with　Lily　is
  all。　She　was　all　over　me　last　night　at　Au　Bar—ask　anyone；　they’ll
  tell　you。　Fuckin’　begged　me　to　e　back　with　her。”
  “I　don’t　doubt　that；”　Alex　said　soothingly。　“She’s　a　really　friendly
  girl　when　she　wants　to　be；　but　sometimes　she　gets　too　drunk　to　know
  what　she’s　doing。　So　as　her　friend；　I’m　going　to　have　to　ask　you　to
  leave　now。”
  The　freak　mashed　his　cigarette　out　a