It　took　an　hour　to　pack　both　of　the　cars　up；　with　me　not　doing　much
  more　than　propping　open　the　door　to　the　street　and　guarding　the
  vehicles　while　they　went　back　upstairs。　The　bed　movers—who　were
  charging　more　than　the　actual　cost　of　the　damn　thing—were　running
  late；　so　my　dad　and　Alex　each　started　downtown。　Lily　had　found　our
  new　apartment　through　an　ad　in　theVillage　Voice；　and　I　hadn’t　even
  seen　it　yet。　She’d　called　me　at　work　from　her　Cell　Phone　in　the
  middle　of　the　day；　screaming；　“I　found　it！　I　found　it！　It’s　perfect！
  There’s　a　bathroom　with　running　water；　a　wooden　floor　that　only　has
  minimal　warping；　and　I’ve　been　here　four　full　minutes　and　haven’t
  seen　a　single　mouse　or　even　a　roach。　Can　you　e　see　it
  immediately？”
  “Are　you　high　right　now？”　I　whispered。　“She’shere；　which　means　I’m
  not　going　anywhere。”
  “You　have　to　enow　。　You　know　what　it’s　like。　I　have　my　folder　and
  everything。”
  “Lily；　be　reasonable。　I　couldn’t　leave　the　office　right　now　for　an
  emergency　heart　transplant　if　I　needed　one；　without　getting　fired。
  How　can　I　e　look　at　an　apartment？”
  “Well；　it’s　not　going　to　be　here　in　thirty　more　seconds。　There　are
  at　least　twenty…five　other　people　at　this　open　house；　and　they’re
  all　filling　out　applications。　I　need　to　do　thisnow　。”
  In　the　obscene　world　of　Manhattan　real　estate；　semilivable
  apartments　were　rarer—and　more　desirable—than　seminormal　straight
  guys。　When　you　added　semiaffordable　into　the　mix；　they　became　harder
  to　rent　than　your　private　island　somewhere　off　the　southern　coast　of
  Africa。　Or　probably　harder。　No　matter　that　most　boasted　fewer　than
  three　hundred　square　feet　of　dirt　and　rotted　wood；　pockmarked　walls；
  and　prehistoric　appliances。　No　roaches？　No　mice？　This　one　was　a
  keeper！
  “Lily；　I　trust　you；　just　do　it。　Can　you　e…mail　me　a　description？”　I
  was　trying　to　get　off　the　phone　as　quickly　as　possible　since　Miranda
  was　due　back　from　the　art　department　any　second。　If　she　saw　me　on　a
  personal　call；　I　was　finished。
  “Well；　I　have　copies　of　your　paychecks—which；　by　the　way；　really
  suck　。　。　。　and　I’ve　got　both　our　bank　statements　and　printouts　of
  our　credit　histories　and　your　employment　letter。　The　only　problem　is
  our　guarantor。　It　has　to　be　a　tristate　resident　who　makes　more　than
  forty　times　our　monthly　rent；　and　my　grandmother　sure　as　hell
  doesn’t　make　a　hundred　grand。　Can　your　parents　sign　for　us？”
  “Jesus；　Lil；　I　don’t　know。　I　haven’t　asked　them；　and　I　can’t　very
  well　call　them　right　now。　You　call。”
  “Fine。　They　do　make　enough；　don’t　they？”
  I　wasn’t　really　sure；　but　who　else　could　we　ask？　“Just　call　them；”　I
  told　her。　“Explain　about　Miranda。　Tell　them　I’m　sorry　for　not
  calling　myself。”
  “Will　do；”　she　said。　“But　let　me　make　sure　we　can　get　the　place。
  I’ll　call　you　back；”　she　said　and　clicked　off　the　phone。　The　phone
  rang　again　twenty　seconds　later；　and　I　saw　her　Cell　Phone　number　on
  the　office　phone　caller　ID。　Emily　raised　her　eyes　in　that　special
  way　she　did　when　she　heard　me　once　again　talking　to　a　friend。　I
  grabbed　the　phone　but　spoke　to　Emily。
  “It’s　important；”　I　hissed　in　her　direction。　“My　best　friend　is
  trying　to　rent　me　an　apartment　over　the　phone　because　I　can’t　leave
  here　for　a　goddamn—”
  Three　voices　attacked　me　at　once。　Emily’s　was　measured　and　calm　and
  carried　with　it　a　warning　tone。　“Andrea；　please；”　she’d　started；　at
  the　exact　same　time　that　Lily　was　shrieking；　“They’ll　do　it；　Andy；
  they’ll　do　it！　Are　you　listening　to　me？”　But　even　though　both　of
  them　were　clearly　addressing　me；　I　couldn’t　really　hear　either　one
  of　them。　The　only　voice　that　came　through　loud　and　clear　was
  Miranda’s。
  “Do　we　have　a　problem　here；　Ahn…dre…ah？”　Shocker—she　got　my　name
  right　this　time。　She　was　hovering　over　me；　appearing　ready　to
  strike。
  I　immediately　hung　up　on　Lily；　hoping　she’d　understand；　and　braced
  myself　for　the　onslaught。　“No；　Miranda；　no　problem　at　all。”
  “Good。　Now；　I’d　like　a　sundae　and　I’d　like　to　actually　eat　it　before
  the　entire　thing　melts。　Vanilla　ice　cream—not　yogurt；　mind　you；　not
  ice　milk；　and　nothing　sugar…free　or　low…fat—with　chocolate　syrup　and
  real　whipped　cream。　Not　canned；　you　understand？　Genuine　whipped
  cream。　That’s　all。”　She　walked　purposefully　back　toward　the　art
  department；　and　I　was　left　with　the　distinct　impression　that　she’d
  e　in　just　to　check　on　me。　Emily　smirked。　The　phone　rang。　Lily
  again。　Dammit—couldn’t　she　just　e…mail　me？　I　picked　it　up　and
  pressed　it　to　my　ear　but　said　nothing。
  “OK；　I　know　you　can’t　talk；　so　I　will。　Your　parents　will　be　our
  guarantors；　which　is　great。　The　apartment　is　a　big　one…bedroom；　and
  once　we　put　the　wall　up　in　the　living　room；　there　will　still　be　room
  for　a　two…person　couchand　a　chair。　The　bathroom　doesn’t　have　a　bath；
  but　the　shower　looks　OK。　No　dishwasher；　natch；　and　no　AC；　but　we　can
  get　window　units。　Laundry　in　the　basement；　part…time　doorman；　one
  block　from　the　six　train。　And　get　this。　A　balcony！”
  I　must’ve　breathed　audibly；　because　she　got　even　more　excited　at　my
  excitement。　“I　know！　Crazy；　right？　It　looks　like　it　might　fall　right
  off　the　side　of　the　building；　but　it’s　there！　And　we　could　both　fit
  on　it　and　have　a　place　to　smoke；　and　oh；　it’s　just　perfect！”
  “How　much？”　I　croaked；　determined　that　these　would　be　the　absolute
  last　words　I’d　utter。
  “All　ours　for　the　grand　total　of　twenty…two　eighty　a　month。　Do　you
  believe　that　we’ll　get　a　balcony　for　eleven　hundred　forty　dollars
  apiece？　This　place　is　the　find　of　the　century。　So；　can　I　do　it？”
  I　was　silent。　I　wanted　to　talk；　but　Miranda　was　inching　her　way　back
  to　her　office　as　she　upbraided　the　public　events　coordinator　in
  front　of　everyone。　She　was　in　a　wicked　mood；　and　I’d　already　had
  enough　for　one　day。　The　girl　she　was　currently　abusing　had　her　head
  hung　in　shame；　cheeks　bright　red；　and　I　prayed　for　her　own　sake　that
  she　wouldn’t　cry。
  “Andy！　This　is　fucking　ridiculous。　Just　say　yes　or　no！　It’s　bad
  enough　that　I　have　to　cut　class　today　and　you　can’t　so　much　as　leave
  work　to　e　look　at　this　place；　but　you　can’t　even　bother　to　say
  yes　or　no？　What　am　I—”　Lily　had　reached　her　breaking　point　and　I
  totally　understood；　but　there　was　nothing　I　could　do　except　hang　up
  on　her。　She　was　screaming　so　loud　into　the　phone　that　it　was
  reverberating　in　the　quiet　office；　and　Miranda　was　standing　less
  than　five　feet　away。　I　was　so　frustrated；　I　wanted　to　grab　the　PR
  coordinator　and　hit　the　ladies’　room　and　cry　with　her。　Or　maybe　if
  we　worked　together　we　could　throw　Miranda　into　a　toilet　stall　and
  tighten　that　Hermès　scarf　that　hung　loosely　around　her　skinny　neck。
  Would　I　hold　her　down　or　pull？　Or　perhaps　it’d　be　more　effective　to
  just　shove　the　damn　thing　down　her　throat　and　watch　her　gasp　for　air
  and—
  “Ahn…dre…ah！”　Her　voice　was　clipped；　steely。　“What　did　I　ask　you　for
  a　mere　five　minutes　ago？”　Shit！　The　sundae。　I’d　forgotten　the
  sundae。　“Is　there　a　particular　reason　why　you’re　still　sitting　there
  instead　of　doing　your　job？　Is　this　your　idea　of　a　joke？　Did　I　do　or
  say　something　to　indicate　that　I　wasn’t　entirely　serious？　Did　I？　Did
  I？”　Her　blue　eyes　were　bulging　out　of　her　face；　and　although　she
  hadn’t　fully　raised　her　voice　yet；　of　course；　she　was　ing　awfully
  close。　I　opened　my　mouth　to　speak　but　heard　Emily　talking　instead。
  “Miranda；　I’m　so　sorry。　It’s　my　fault。　I　asked　Andrea　to　answer　the
  phone　because　I　thought　it　might　be　Caroline　or　Cassidy　and　I　was　on
  the　other　line　ordering　that　shirt　from　Prada　you　wanted。　Andrea　was
  just　on　her　way　out。　I’m　sorry；　and　it　won’t　happen　again。”
  Miracle　of　miracles！　The　Perfect　One　had　spoken；　and　in　my　defense；
  no　less。
  Miranda　looked　momentarily　mollified。　“Well；　all　right　then。　Get　my
  sundae　now；　Andrea。”　And　with　that；　she　walked　in　her　office　and
  picked　up　the　phone；　where　she　promptly　started　cooing　to　B…DAD。
  I　looked　at　Emily；　but　she　was　pretending　to　work。　I　shot　her　a
  one…word　e…mail。Why？　I　wrote。
  Because　I　wasn’t　entirely　sure　she　wasn’t　going　to　fire　you；　and　I
  don’t　really　feel　like　training　someone　new；she　wrote　back
  instantly。　I　left　to　go　in　search　of　this　perfect　sundae　and　called
  Lily　from　my　Cell　Phone　as　soon　as　the　elevator　hit　the　lobby。
  “I’m　sorry；　I　really　am。　It’s　just　that—”
  “Look；　I　don’t　really　have　time　for　this；”　Lily　said　flatly。　“I
  think　you’re　overreacting　just　a　little　bit；　don’t　you？　I　mean；　you
  can’t　so　much　as　say　yes　or　no　on　the　phone？”
  “It’s　hard　to　explain；